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This is the fifty-second set of jokes
(#1135) Following orders
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy are sitting in their local kosher deli and when the waitress comes over, ask for two glasses of water. When the water arrives, they take out homemade sandwiches from inside their coat pockets and start to eat.
Moshe the deli manager is not happy with what he sees. So he goes over to them and says, "Look, I'll give you both one of our snacks free of charge. My customers wonít mind, seeing you are Rabbis. But please, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy look at each other with twinkles in their eyes. Without saying a word, they shrug their shoulders, exchange their homemade sandwiches and carry on eating.
(#1136) Music wins the day
Lionel is a well-educated bachelor who feels ready to marry and settle down. But heís shy and finds it difficult to meet women. So heís developed a great love of classical music and spends much of his spare time going to concerts.
Meanwhile, Lionelís parents have been searching for a suitable shiddach (arranged marriage partner) for him. Then one day, to their great relief, two potential candidates come onto the scene at the same time (just like London buses). After talking to the two young ladies, his father has a word with Lionel.
"Lionel, I think I may have found you a wife. I have been in touch with two very acceptable, but quite different girls for you to choose from and both say they are ready to marry. Let me show you their photos."
The first photo is of a beautiful woman. "Rebecca," says his father, "informs me that she has a talent for cooking great kosher food Ė her matzo-ball soup is supposed to be superb. She also keeps fit with aerobics and Israeli dancing. But she left school at 15 and admits to having no talent whatsoever for music."
He then shows Lionel a photo of an ugly woman. She has what looks like a moustache on her top lip, her neck is as thick as a wrestlerís neck, she has cross-eyes, her nose is crooked and her lips are almost non-existent.
"Now Sadie," says his father, "might not be great looking but she comes from a fine, noble family, has a first class degree from Oxford University and has a wonderful operatic voice. Sheíll be famous one day - she showed me a Poster of a concert sheís giving soon at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden."
Lionel studies the two photos. Although Rebecca is gorgeous, his keen love of music wins him over and he chooses Sadie. Within weeks, they marry.
On the first morning of their honeymoon, Lionel awakes before Sadie. He takes one look at that face staring up at him from their pillow, shakes Sadie and cries out, "Sadie, for goodness sake, sing a little something."
(#1137) The synagogue service
Max has been a confirmed atheist ever since he left University. But now that he is approaching his 60th birthday, spiritual issues start to become part of his life and he decides to Ďbecomeí a Jew again. The next shabbes, Max goes to shul for the first time in nearly 40 years.
He enjoys the occasion and even listens attentively to the Rabbiís sermon, especially the bit at the end when the Rabbi announces that his sermon next week would be about the great flood.
At the end of the service, Max goes over to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I really enjoyed the service. Unfortunately I wonít be able to attend next week. But please donít think I will be shirking my duties Ė I can be as charitable as the next man. So please put me down for £20 for the flood victims."
(#1138) The 3 sons
Issy leaves school and decides to open a small grocery store in Hendon. Heís good to his customers and the store does well. Soon he meets a beautiful girl and within months they are married. A year later a boy arrives. Issy calls Dr Myers, a mohel, who performs the Bris and charges Issy £50.
Over the next 12 months, his business begins to take off and Issy opens a large supermarket in Hampstead. It too does well and they buy a nice house near their business. Then a second boy arrives and once again Issy calls Dr Myers who performs the Bris and who this time charges him £250.
Over the next two years, Issy opens more supermarkets and even moves into the catering business. They move home again, this time to a large 8-bedroom house in Knightsbridge. Then, once again, his wife presents him with a son and once again Issy requests the services of Dr Myers who performs the Bris. This time, Dr Myers charges Issy £1,000.
As Issy hands over the cheque, he says to Dr Myers, "Over the time weíve been using you, your charges have increased by far more than inflation. Why should this be so? Is it because Iím wealthy?"
Dr Myers replies, "No, absolutely not. My £50 charge was for a Bris, my £250 charge was for a ritual circumcision and my £1,000 charge was for an extra special shmuckelotomy."
(#1139) Anniversary surprise
Itís Henry and Dianeís second wedding anniversary and for a surprise, Henry decides to send some flowers to her office. He even instructs the florist to write on the card: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. Year Number 2"
Diane is thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It reads: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2"
(#1140) The beggar
Moshe is strolling down Oxford Street one afternoon when he sees a beggar sitting on the pavement outside John Lewis department store with a placard around his neck saying, in Yiddish,
"PLEASE CAN YOU HELP A POOR MAN"
Moshe notices that the beggar is always smiling and whenever passers-by put money in his hat, the beggar thanks them personally. So Moshe goes over to the beggar and puts a £5 note in his hat.
"Why thank you very much sir," says the beggar, "you are very generous."
"Tell me," asks Moshe, "donít you have a family?"
"Oh yes," replies the beggar, "I have a lovely family."
"Do you have any children?" asks Moshe.
"I have two handsome boys and two beautiful girls," replies the beggar, "and all four are very happily married."
"Well I think itís disgraceful that they wonít support you," says Moshe.
"But they would support me if I let them," says the beggar.
"So why donít you let them?" asks Moshe.
"What, and lose my hard won independence?" replies the beggar.
(#1141) The home help
Naomi was happily married with two lovely boys. When she gave birth for the third time, her mother came over to stay with the family to help out. The two boys were excited that their bubbeh was coming - they always got on well with her.
The first thing bubbeh did was to go out and buy some of her own favourite cleaning materials so that, throughout her stay, Naomiís house would be spotless. Bubbeh scrubbed the kitchen, bathrooms and toilets, vacuumed the carpets and polished the silver. Soon, the smell of bubbehís cleansers, polishes and air fresheners was everywhere.
After two months, bubbeh went back to her own house, her job done. A few days later, Naomi used one of bubbehís cleansers to remove a greasy mark from her kitchen worktop. She had just put away the cleanser when her youngest son came into the kitchen and said, "Where's bubbeh, mummy?"
"Sheís back at her own house now," said Naomi, "don't you remember we took her to the station?"
"Then why do I smell her perfume?" he asked.
(#1142) Bible marketing
Abe is in New York on business. On his 3rd night, he goes back to his hotel room feeling quite miserable. Although the tripís going well, business-wise, heís feeling very lonely - heís missing his wife Sarah.
He casually picks up the Gideon bible from his bedside table and opens it. On the first page, he reads: -
"If youíre sick, read Psalm 18."
"If youíre troubled, read Psalm 45."
"If youíre lonely, read Psalm 92."
"If youíre ÖÖÖ"
Thatís it! He stops there, immediately turns to Psalm 92 and starts to read. How surprised he is, then, when he gets to the end of the Psalm, to see someone has written: -
"If youíre still lonely, why donít you call Fifi on 202-123-1234."
(#1143) Customer service
Joshua worked for "Levineís Tailors" and was a successful salesman. He was always polite to his customers and as a result was nearly always able to sell a suit to anyone who walked into the shop. So it was a surprise when, after 10 successful years, he resigned to join the police force.
His father couldnít understand why his son should give up a good job to become a policeman. So at the end of Joshuaís first week, he rang Joshua to ask how he liked his new job.
"Well dad," Joshua replied, "Itís nice of you to ask. The salary is just about OK, the hours aren't as bad as I thought they would be and my colleagues are a great bunch. But what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
(#1144) A shaky start
Aaron was soon to be married and was feeling very rough. He was so worried about the commitment he would have to make that he went to see his Rabbi. As Aaron walked in, Rabbi Bloom couldnít help noticing that he was shaking like a leaf.
"So whatís with the shaking, Aaron?Ē asked Rabbi Bloom.
"I can't go through with my marriage," he answered, "I feel so sick that my stomach is cramping up all the time. My legs are like rubber bands and I can hardly walk in a straight line. I donít know whether Iím coming or going, Rabbi."
Rabbi Bloom smiled, "Donít worry, Aaron, yours are common symptoms. I get to see them quite regularly. Youíve got PMS."
"Iíve got PMS?" said Aaron, puzzled.
"Yes," said Rabbi Bloom, "Youíve got a dose of Pre-Marriage Syndrome."
(#1145) A cut above the rest
Emanuel the mohel comes home early in a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty, who is an insurance broker.
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice cover designed for mohels."
"This I've never heard before," says Monty, "but give me a day to investigate."
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"So give me the good news first," says Emanuel.
"No regular insurance company will offer you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to £1M at a premium of £500 per year."
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel.
"There's a two inch deductible."
(#1146) Morning joy
Renee and Daniel have been married for over 50 years. One morning, they both awake from a good nightís sleep. As usual, Daniel reaches over and takes her hand in his.
"Don't touch me," says Renee.
"Why not, my dear?" replies a shocked Daniel.
"Because," says Renee, "I'm dead."
"What on earth are you talking about?" says Daniel, "We're both lying here in bed together and weíre talking to one another. How can you be dead?"
"But I am, Daniel," says Renee, "I'm definitely dead. Iím sure of it."
"So what makes you think you're dead?" asks Daniel.
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
(#1147) I canít wait
Naomi is out shopping in Waitrose supermarket in Brent Cross. As she goes down the aisles putting things into her trolley, she hums and sings to herself. She is still singing as she reaches the check out desk.
"My, you seem to be happy today," says the cashier.
"Yes I am," replies Naomi, "and I have every reason to be. I've got a beautiful house in Mayfair, Iíve three handsome sons, all doctors, my bank account is extremely healthy and my husband Abe's life is insured for £5M."
"Iím glad to hear it," says the cashier.
"Yes, and thatís not all," says Naomi, "my Abe is not in the best of health."
(#1148) New policy
Thereís a new car insurance policy written especially for Jewish mothers. Itís called the "My Fault" policy.
(#1149) What a day
Harry came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Kitty, just for once, please, don't start telling me about all the troubles you encountered today. Instead, why don't you ask what happened to me today?"
Kitty remained silent.
"So ask already," said Harry, "what kind of day did I have? Go on, just ask will you."
Kitty relented. "OK Harry, so what happened?"
At this, Harry buried his head in his hands, moaned and said, "What happened? Oy Vay, Kitty, better you shouldn't ask."
(#1150) The pain
Moshe was known to all his friends as a hypochondriac. One day he awoke with a pain on his left side and was convinced that his pain was appendicitis. But his wife Sadie told him that appendices were on the right side of the body.
"Aha," said Moshe, "so that's why it's hurting me so much. My appendix is obviously on the wrong side."
(#1151) Mistaken identity
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
As Abe was crossing Golders Green High Street, he was hit by a car. Fortunately, it was a glancing blow and the car wasn't moving very fast.
Suddenly, a young priest ran to him and began to administer last rites, just in case.
"Thank you," Abe said, as he got his breath back, "but I'm not Catholic, you know."
"What?" said the priest. "But I saw with my own eyes that you made the sign of the cross as you fell."
"No," Abe explained, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking what?" said the priest.
"Everything important," replied Abe, "spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."
(#1152) The results
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I donít either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and sheís a great cook."
(#1153) Marital problems
[My thanks to Alex S for the following]
After being married for over 60 years, Rivkah is filing for divorce against Cyril.
At the court hearing the judge is very surprised that this seemingly nice elderly couple are experiencing marital problems. So he turns to Rivkah and asks, "Why do you want a divorce?"
"Vell," replies Rivkah, "Mine husband is now not alvays very nice to me. And lately it has become unbearable."
"So can you give me an example please? " asks the judge.
"Yes I can, " replies Rivkah, "Ve both vear dentures and many times in the last six months, vhen Iím asleep at night, he steals mine to eat garlic."
(#1154) What the Jewish Buddha says
[My thanks to Hilary A and Charles K for the following]
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