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This is the fifty-first set of jokes

(#1115) Advice for the ladies
Rabbi Levy is addressing the ĎEnlighten Your Daughterí meeting of the synagogue womenís guild. "Ladies," he says, "Iím sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadieís dead body."
A number of ĎOy Vaysí are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned.  Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."

(#1116) Tradition
[My thanks to Leonie L for the following]
Rabbi Gold is conducting his very first service at one of Londonís oldest synagogues. All is going well until he gets to the ĎShemaí prayer - only half his congregation stand up. Those still seated start yelling Ďsit downí to those standing and those standing start yelling Ďstand upí to those sitting. Although Rabbi Bloom is knowledgeable about much of the law, he doesnít know what to do. He thinks it must be something to do with the synagogueís tradition.
After the service, Rabbi Bloom consults Abe, the synagogueís oldest member. "I need to know, Abe, what the synagogueís tradition is with regard to the Shema prayer. Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"So the tradition is to sit during Shema?" says Rabbi Bloom.
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"But," says Rabbi Bloom, "my congregation argue all the time. They yell at each other about whether they should sit or stand and ..."
Abe interrupts, exclaiming, "Aha, THAT is the tradition!"

(#1117) Advice from awordinyoureye
Remember, you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

(#1118) What did you say?
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Samís daughter says to him one day, "Dad, as youíre coming up to 80, why donít you go see doctor Seigal and get him to give you a full medical? You havenít been yourself ever since Mum died."
"OK," says Sam. And sure enough, a week later, he has a full health check.
Three days afterwards, doctor Seigal is surprised to see Sam walking towards him in Edgware High Street with a beautiful, sexy looking lady on his arm. She looks no more than 30. When they meet, doctor Seigal says, "Itís nice to see you Sam. When you have a moment, why donít you call me? I have something I need to discuss with you."
"OK doctor," says Sam, "Iíll call you this afternoon."
When Sam rings later that day, doctor Seigal says to him, "I see that youíve decided to start seeing other women, Sam."
"Yes doctor," replies Sam, "Iím doing what you suggested when you said Ďget a hot mamma and be cheerful.í"
"But thatís not what I said, Sam," says doctor Seigal, "I told you that Ďyou've got a heart murmur... be careful.í"

(#1119) A night out
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Issy decides to go out for the evening. He might be nearly 90 years of age but Issy still thinks of himself as one of Godís gifts to the ladies. He gets himself ready in the usual manner and then looks at himself in the mirror. What does he see? He sees a handsome, mature, smartly dressed gentleman in a great looking modern suit, a carnation in his lapel, well groomed hair and sparkling eyes. Issy is pleased with what he sees. He finishes by spraying on his favourite Eau Savage cologne and then makes his way to the Park Lane Hilton.
Seated at the Hilton bar is Becky, in her mid eighties. Issy walks over, sits besides her, and orders a drink. When it arrives, he takes a sip, turns to Becky and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

(#1120) The blind date
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
Yitzhak is on his way to pick up his blind date. Little does he know that he has been paired up with Estelle, who, if truth be told, is definitely not one of the worldís good looking women - in fact quite the opposite.
Yitzhak picks her up as arranged outside Kings Cross station and as soon as she gets into his car, he knows he has made a big mistake. He is so embarrassed to have Estelle in his car with him and so afraid that one of his friends might see them together and think heís gone blind, that he drives to a dark desolate spot by the Thames and turns off the engine.
Unfortunately, Estelle jumps to the wrong conclusion. She thinks Yitzhak wants to make love to her. So she begins to talk dirty and use all her sexual wiles to try and get Yitzhak in a ravenous mood for sex. But he just sits staring out of the window, wishing time would fly.
Finally, after half an hour of trying, and boy, how she talked and talked, Estelle asks him, "Don't you want it"?
And Yitzhak replies, "I feel like I already had it."

(#1121) Would a Jewish mother say such things?

(#1122) The question
Howard is visiting his prospective in-laws for the first time. As soon as he arrives, the father asks him, "Young man, can you support a family?"
Howard is surprised by this question and replies, "Well sir, to be truthful, I canít. But Iím only planning to support your daughter - the rest of you will have to do whatever you can without my help."

(#1123) Age has no barrier
4 year old David is having tea at his grandmaís. After he finishes his smoked salmon bagel and almond Danish, he goes over to her and asks, "Bubbeh how old are you?"
With a smile on her face, his bubbeh replies, "Iím 42, darling - and holding."
David thinks about this reply for a moment, then asks, "And how old would you be, bubbeh, if you let go?"

(#1124) Growing old riddle number 1
Q. Can a pea last for 1,000 years?
A. It seems that way sometimes.

(#1125) Growing old riddle number 2
Q. Which of our five senses diminishes as we get older?
A. Our sense of decency.

(#1126) Growing old riddle number 3
Q. As we grow older, do we tend to gesture more or less with our hands while talking?
A. Ask me one more growing old riddle and I'll give you a gesture you wonít forget in a hurry.

(#1127) A pain in the mouth
Maurice wakes up with a terrible pain in his mouth and books an emergency appointment to see Adrian, his dentist. When Maurice gets into the chair, Adrian checks his teeth and says, "Youíve got a badly decayed molar which really needs to be extracted right away. Are you OK with injections?"
"No, I'm afraid of needles," replies Maurice.
"How about gas?" asks Adrian.
"No, I'm allergic to gas. I come out in a terrible rash," replies Maurice.
Adrian then says, "I have an idea. Wait here while I get something."
When he returns, Adrian gives Maurice a glass of water and two blue pills.
"What kind of pills are these?" Maurice asks.
"Theyíre just ordinary Viagra pills," replies Adrian.
"What? Will these deaden the pain?"
"No," replies Adrian, "they won't help your pain at all, but they will give you something to hold onto whilst I extract your tooth."

(#1128) The singer
Leah walks into a pet shop in Golders Green and says to Hymie, the owner, "I want to buy a canary."
"We have many types," says Hymie, "is there any particular one youíre after?"
"Yes," replies Leah, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good gelt (money) for a great singing bird."
"Lady, Iíve got the very one," says Hymie, "Iíve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice Iíve ever heard. We donít call it ĎPavarottií for nothing. Iíll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Leah says, "I hope youíre not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey wonít make me feel obliged to buy this canary if itís not a real singing canary."
Hymie brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Leah, "Just you listen."
With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, "What mazel (luck) - this canary really can sing."
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts out, "Oy Vay, this canaryís only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me, or what?"
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies, "Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"

(#1129) Clever, or what?
[My thanks to Howard K for the following]
Moshe, Reilly, Sean and Rowan had been best of friends for over 10 years when unfortunately, Rowan is killed in a car crash. The next day, the three remaining friends are looking at Rowanís body in his coffin.
Reilly says, "You know, Rowan was such a great guy and friend to me that I donít want him to go empty handed. Iím going to give him £500."
With that, he takes out £500 in notes and throws them into the coffin.
Then Sean says, "I agree with you. Iíll match your gift."
And Sean throws £500 in notes into the coffin.
Moshe says, "I liked him more than you two, so Iím going to give him £1,000."
With that, Moshe writes out a cheque for £2,000, throws it into the coffin and takes out £1,000 change.

(#1130) How we interpret words
1. VULNERABLE
Female Fully opening up, emotionally, to another.
Male  Playing cricket without a cup.

2. COMMUNICATION
Female Sharing thoughts and feelings, openly, with one's partner.
Male  Leaving a note before going off to golf with the boys.

3. FLATULENCE
Female An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male  A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

4. COMMITMENT
Female A desire to get married to this one and raise a family.
Male  Trying hard not to look at other women whilst out with this one.

5. MAKING LOVE
Female The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male  Call it anything you want, as long as we do it.

(#1131) I know everything
Sharon is driving her 6year old daughter Emma to her friendís house for tea. On the way, Emma asks, "How old are you, mummy?"
"Why darling," says Sharon, "youíre not supposed to ask a woman her age. Itís not polite."
"OK," says Emma, "how much do you weigh, mummy?"
"Really, Emma," says Sharon, "thatís a very personal question."
Emma carries on, "Why did you and daddy get divorced, mummy?"
"OK, thatís enough questions for today darling. Anyway, weíre here now. Lets take you inside."
Later, Emma and her friend are playing upstairs whilst their mothers are finishing tea.
"My mummy wonít tell me anything about her," Emma says to her friend.
"All you need do," says her friend, "is look at your mumís driverís license. Itís just like a report card, it has everything you need to know about her on it."
Later, soon after they return home, Emma says, "I know how old you are, mummy, youíre 30."
Sharon is surprised. "How did you know that, darling?"
"I also know, mummy, that you weigh 10 stone 3 pounds."
Sharon is even more surprised. "How did you find that out, darling?"
"I know everything, mummy," says Emma, "I even know why you and daddy got divorced."
"OK," says Sharon, "so tell me why we got divorced."
"Because you got an F in sex."

(#1132) A chronologically challenged (i.e. elderly) woman speaks up

(#1133) Scientific fact
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
Did you know that the human body has a nerve that connects the eyeball to the toches? It is called the anal optic nerve. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your toches and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

(#1134) A butcher joke
Shlomo walks into ĎHarry Kosher Butchersí, goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear that youíre something of a betting man."
"Yes," replies Harry.
"Well," says Shlomo, "Youíre a tall man, so I bet you £50 that you can't reach those pieces of meat hanging on those hooks up on that wall."
"I'm not taking your bet," says Harry.
"Why not?" says Shlomo, "I thought you were a betting man."
"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are too high!"

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