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This is the fiftieth set of jokes
(#1095) Up in the air
Sadie goes to see her psychiatrist, doctor Myers, to get help on an issue concerning her sexual relationship with her husband Abe.
Doctor Myers explains, "OK, but I can only help you if you are open and honest with me. Is that agreed?"
"Yes," says Sadie.
But after just 15 minutes, doctor Myers has to tell her, "We’re getting nowhere, Sadie. You’re too secretive. I’ll try just once more – please reply quickly to the questions I’m going to ask you or I won’t be able to help."
"OK." says Sadie.
"Have you ever looked directly into Abe’s face while you were making love?" asks doctor Myers.
"Yes," replies Sadie.
"We’re making progress at last," says doctor Myers, "So tell me, Sadie, when you looked directly into Abe’s face while you were making love, did you see any emotion there?"
"Yes," replies Sadie, "I saw great anger on his face."
"Excellent," continues doctor Myers, "we’re nearly there. So when you looked directly into Abe’s face while you were making love and saw great anger, could you please explain to me exactly what Abe was doing at the time?"
Sadie replies, "He was up a ladder looking at me through the bedroom window."
(#1096) Honest talking
Shlomo, who was regarded as one of the best paid insurance salesman around, was talking to a prospect. "How much life insurance do you have?"
"£15,000." came the reply.
"So," said Shlomo, "how long do you think you can stay dead on that kind of gelt?"
(#1097) The magnificent symphony
God is so disenchanted with all the noisy earthly music he keeps on hearing that he decides to do something about it. He sits down to write a Rosh Hashanah (New Year) symphony. When he finishes, God is very pleased with his effort. It is, he says to himself, ‘a magnificent musical symphony, exactly how real music should sound.’
Now that it’s ready, God wants his symphony performed as quickly as possible, so he assembles the greatest musicians of all time and invites everyone who ever lived to hear his masterpiece. No one could refuse.
The day of the unique concert arrives and God himself decides to conduct his own composition. He stands in front of a music stand made of solid gold, taps his baton for order and then the music begins.
The first movement lasts a whole year, but passes so quickly that no one notices. The second movement is even more beautiful than the first and even though this lasts over 2 years, no one seems to mind.
Now comes the third movement. This is the longest and loveliest of all and midway through is a special solo part - one note struck on a silver triangle. It is the highpoint of the symphony. And guess who has been personally selected by God to strike that note? It’s none other than Moshe. Moshe’s family are so proud – it is such an honour to be chosen.
Moshe stands patiently waiting his cue - he doesn’t want to miss it. Then it comes. All the other instruments are hushed. Moshe swings and ….. Oy Gevalt, he misses. There is no sound at all. The orchestra goes deathly quiet and a groan goes up from the audience of billions.
God taps his baton on the gold music stand for order and says, “OK everyone, lets start again from the top.”
(#1098) The gold spoon
As the catering staff are clearing up after Benjy’s barmitzvah party, they notice that one of the gold spoons is missing – and it’s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell the hosts, Moshe and Sadie, of the disappearance.
"Can you believe it, Sadie?" says Moshe, "But how can we call our Rabbi a gonif? We’ll just have to keep quiet about it."
12 months later, whilst out buying bagels one Sunday morning, Moshe finds himself next to his Rabbi.
"Moshe, I’m glad we’ve met," says Rabbi Bloom, "what’s the problem, why have you been avoiding me?"
Moshe replies, "Now that you ask, Rabbi, I’ve been avoiding you ever since we discovered one of our gold spoons missing from Benjy’s party."
Rabbi Bloom says, "But why didn’t you ask me about this. I put the spoon in Benjy’s tefillin bag. He obviously hasn’t opened it since his barmitzvah day."
(#1099) Jewish sayings
[My thanks to Malcolm S for the following]
1. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
2. Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
3. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
4. No meal is complete without leftovers.
5. Jewish dietary law says pork may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
7. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
8. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your daughter is marrying out.
9. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
11. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
13. Always whisper the names of diseases.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Hetty was just about to make herself a cup of coffee when her front doorbell rang. She opened the door and there stood a smartly dressed man.
"Good morning, madam," he said, "I’m a Jehovah Witness and …" but before he could continue, Hetty said to him, "I’m just about to make myself some coffee. Why don’t you come in and join me?"
Very surprised, he agreed.
After coffee, Hetty said, "I’m now going to have to make some lunch for myself so I don’t really have much time at this moment to talk to you. But if you’d like to join me in a bite to eat, we can talk later."
He was shocked at this kind offer. But again he agreed.
When they had finished eating, Hetty said, "OK, I’m all ears. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me all about the Jehovah Witness movement?"
He was totally surprised by this and replied, "I can’t tell you anything - I’ve never got this far before."
(#1101) A riddle
Q. What is the plural for yenta?
(#1102) Spend, spend, spend
Freda comes back from her trip to Brent Cross shopping centre and tells her Moshe that she’s just bought another new designer dress.
"What? You must be joking," Moshe shouts at her. "That’s the third one you’ve bought this week. Where on earth do you think I’m going to find the money to pay for them?"
"I may be many things, darling," Freda replies, "but inquisitive I’m not."
(#1103) The funeral discussion
Friends and family were at Finchley cemetery for Moshe’s funeral. Just before the funeral service commenced, Rabbi Zeller goes over to Ruth, a very elderly widow, and asks, "So how old was Moshe?"
"He was 99, kin-a-hora," replies Ruth, "two years older than me."
"So you must be 97?" says Rabbi Zeller.
Ruth replies, "Yes, hardly worth going back home is it?"
(#1104) A fishy story
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt-water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. The children of Israel and their descendants always had to be present at the Seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
(#1105) Mother’s 11th commandment
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight, you may eat - but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright colour and unknown provenance you may eat - but not in the living room.
Of frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat - but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in non-spill cups, you may drink - but not in the living room (and neither may you carry such therein).
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
(#1106) Try harder
Becky is having lunch with Hannah, the world’s most perfect ‘Princess’.
Becky says, "My Moshe is just impossible. Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Hymie hard to please?"
Hannah shrugs and replies, "I wouldn't know. I've never tried."
(#1107) Danger – English spoken here
[My thanks to Diane M for the following]
Fact#1: The Japanese eat very little fat - and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#2: The Japanese drink very little red wine - and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#3: The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine – yet suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#4: The Germans drink lots of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats – yet suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#5: The French eat a lot of fat – yet suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: You can eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that apparently kills you.
Isn’t it a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies?
(#1108) The Top Jewish Country &
[My thanks to Ed K for the following]
(#1110) Letters to God written by children
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not going shopping with me."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
(#1112) Princess quickies
Q: There once was a Princess who wouldn’t allow certain four-letter words to be spoken in her house. What were those words?
A: "iron," "dust," "cook," "wash," ...
Q: What is a Princess’s favourite
A: Facing Brent Cross Shopping Centre
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were both Jewish, do you know what Cheetah would be? A: A fur coat.
Q: Who was it who asked a Princess
seven times to get married?
A: Her mother
(#1113) Walking away from dinner
Yetta and Sarah, both well known braggers, meet one Sunday at Brent Cross shopping centre. "I held a fantastic dinner party last night," says Yetta, "my guests had so much good food and wine available to them that when they left to walk over to their cars, they were all doubled-over."
Without missing a beat, Sarah replies, "From your house they could walk?"
(#1114) Yet another riddle
Q: What does Sadie do with her headache each morning?
A: She sends him to work
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