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This is the forty-eighth set of jokes
STOP PRESS: You men out there Ė
youíd better not upset your partner tonight Ė you wonít win any battle
of the sexes! In a recent magazine poll, women admitted that they use Ďsexí
as a tactic to control their partners. Even if women were in the mood for
a bit of love, 40% of them said they wouldnít have sex with their partners
if they were angry with them. A further 20% of women said they would use
the same tactic Ďjust to be in controlí.
NB But the poll also found that most women are too tired to have sex anyway, with 50% admitting they Ďcouldnít be bothered.í
(#1055) Who knows?
Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) Ė an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I donít think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but Iíve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance - and theyíre not as rich as you. If itís good enough for them, why isnít it good enough for you?"
"Iíll tell you why," replies Issy, "itís because theyíve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah, "Youíve always told me Iím luckier than my friends Ė who knows, maybe this time Iíll strike it rich."
(#1056) What a mitzvah
Itís Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me Ė how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.
(#1057) Insider information
Benny has been suffering with his hearing for many years and at last decides to see a doctor. After examining Benny, the doctor tells him, "Iím surprised youíve put up with this problem for so long. All you need is a hearing aid."
Within days, Benny is fitted with a state-of-the-art hearing aid and is asked to return in 4 weeks time for a check up.
Benny returns to the doctor a month later and after another examination, the doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect, almost 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
Benny replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. As a result, I've changed my Will three times already."
(#1058) Iím not sure
Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybodyís surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes
"Abe, where will you both live?"Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Donít be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?"
"Weíll be looking for a house near a school.Ē
"Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?"
"Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."
(#1059) Knowledge is a wonderful thing
Rose has filed for divorce. When she and Sam finally attend the court hearing, the judge asks her, "So what do you find wrong with your husband?"
"Well, among other things, your honour, he lies; heís aggressive; he steals my money; and heís poor in bed. In fact heís a bit of a shlemazel(*)."
"Those are serious allegations," says the judge, "can you prove them?"
"Prove them?" replies Rose, "I donít have to, your honour, everyone knows what Sam is like."
"If you knew all of this," asks the judge, "why on earth did you marry him?"
"But I didn't know it before I married him," replies Rose.
Sam then shouts out, "She did too, your honour."
(*) An unlucky person / clumsy oaf
Gary, a financial advisor, is talking to one of his elderly lady clients about her recent purchase of £100,000 worth of Marks and Spencer shares.
"Rivkah, do you remember your recent investment in Marks and Spencer? Well, Iíve just heard that they are going to split."
"Oy vay, vat a pity," she replies sadly, "I'm really very upset to hear about it - especially as theyíve been together for such a long time."
(#1061) A visit to the butcher
Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. Mine Suzy has just given birth to a beautiful nine pound baby boy."
Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded kind of way and says, "Nine pounds, eh? With or without bones?"
(#1062) Deja vu
Rabbi Morris has just resigned and Issy, the synagogue president, goes to visit him.
"Rabbi," Issy says, "Iíve just heard the news. Iím really sorry that youíve decided to leave us."
"Donít worry," says Rabbi Morris, "youíll have nothing to worry about. Iím going to recommend a successor whom I believe will be better than me."
"But thatís exactly whatís worrying me," says Issy, "your predecessor told me exactly the same thing."
(#1063) Absolutely certain
As soon as Rabbi Levy entered his office, there was Arnold waiting for him.
"I need your advice, Rabbi," says Arnold.
"OK Arnold, how can I help, whatís bothering you?" asks Rabbi Levy
"Rabbi," asks Arnold, "is it right for one man to make money from another man's errors?"
"No Arnold, it certainly isnít," replies Rabbi Levy.
"Are you absolutely sure about that?" asks Arnold.
"About that, Arnold, Iím absolutely positive," replies Rabbi Levy.
"Iím so pleased to hear you say this, Rabbi," says Arnold, "so could you please return the £300 I gave you to marry me to my wife Sadie?"
(#1064) Reasons for divorce
Rose goes to see Max, her solicitor, and says, "I want to divorce my Harry.Ē
"Why do you want to do that?" Max asks, "I thought you said he was a man of rare gifts.
"He is," replies Rose, heís never given me a present in twenty years of marriage.Ē
"Very funny, Rose. Is there another reason why you want a divorce?" asks Max.
"Yes there is," replies Rose, "I want a divorce because of his appearance."
"Thatís an unusual reason," says Max.
"Not really," says Rose, "Harry hasnít put in an appearance at home for four years.
(#1065) House move
Little Esther is talking to her friend Rebecca. ďHave you moved into your new house, Rebecca?"
"Yes," replies Rebecca, we moved in last Sunday."
"Do you like it?"
"Oh yes, itís a much bigger house than the one we had before. We all now have our own bedrooms. All except my poor mum Ė sheís still in with dad."
(#1066) Business advice
Hymie and Sadie are on holiday in Italy and on one of the duller days decide to go on a coach tour of Rome. They were having a nice relaxed time when their guide points out the Colosseum to them.
"Well Sadie," says Hymie, "isnít that a perfect example of what Iíve been telling everyone for ages? If you donít have sufficient capital, you mustnít begin to build."
(#1067) Community warning
Q: What's the difference between what you squeeze out of a lemon and members of a religious Jewish movement?
A: One is acidic juice and the other is Hassidic Jews.
(#1069) Eagle eyes
Issy comes home from work. As usual, he just drops his jacket on the chair in their hallway. As usual, his wife Freda picks it up. Just as sheís about to hang it up in the cloakroom, she notices something on the jacket.
"Issy," she shrieks at him, "Thereís a long grey hair on your jacket. You been to your mother's to get sympathy again, havenít you?"
(#1070) The quick thinker
Ethel and Leah meet at Brent Cross shopping centre and sit down on a bench to chat. After a few minutes have gone by, Ethel suddenly says, "Oy vay, Leah, just look at the face of that poor boy coming towards us. His mouth is so misshapen that it makes his lips stand out. And his chin Ė what a double chin it is. His eyes look at each other and heís already loosing his hair."
"That boy youíve been describing, Ethel, that boy coming towards us, he is none other than mine son Henry," says Leah, with tears in her eyes.
"Oh, is that Henry?" replies Ethel, "on him it looks good."
(#1071) A synagogue visit
Abe and Sadie make a rare appearance in synagogue. Itís probably true to say that they are not the most religious of Jews. In fact they only go to shul two or three times every year Ė and this is one of those days.
At the end of the service, Abe shakes Rabbi Roseís hand and says, "Sadie and I both thoroughly enjoyed your service today, Rabbi."
Rabbi Rose replies, "Itís nice of you to say so, Abe, so why donít you and Sadie come here more often?"
"Itís difficult," replies Abe, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's really good to hear," says Rabbi Rose.
"Yes," says Abe proudly, "Sadie keeps 6 of them and I keep the other 4."
(#1072) Playtime learning
4-year-old Moshe is playing in his garden with his friend Mary. Theyíre splashing around in his paddling pool and quickly get thoroughly soaked, so they decide to take off their wet clothes. Moshe looks at little Mary, then looks down at himself, and then says, "Oy, I just didn't realise there was so much difference between Catholics and Jews."
(#1073) OK for daddy
Little Henry is on the beach with his parents in Eastbourne when he says to his mother, "Mummy, can I go swimming in the sea?"
"No, bubbeleh," she replies, "the water is too deep and too rough for you."
"But daddy has just gone in," says Henry.
"I know, darling, but your daddyís insured."
(#1074) Itís a bit fishy
Isaac has just had a beautiful swimming pool built in his garden in Hampstead Garden Suburb. But his joy is short lived when a council inspector knocks on his door and asks to see the pool.
"Mr. Levy," says the inspector, "weíve checked our records and we canít find any evidence that you obtained council approval to build this pool. Is this correct?"
"Yes," answers Isaac, "but I didnít know I needed permission to build in my own back garden. Is permission really required?"
"Oh yes," replies the inspector, "indeed itís required. A swimming pool must get official sanction before itís built. Only if it were an ornamental fish pond, say, would permission not be necessary."
"OK," says Isaac, "what you see in front of you is really an ornamental pond."
"Iím not stupid," says the inspector, "a 40metre long pool such as yours cannot be described as a pond, Mr. Levy."
"But it is a pond," argues Isaac, "indeed it is."
Then the inspector spots a filtration plant at the end of the garden. "So why is there a filter?"
"Because," replies Isaac, "itís a gefilte fish pond."
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