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This is the forty-sixth set of jokes
There was a lovely story in the press this month. A retired lorry driver and his wife entered a competition where the first prize was a holiday for two in Hong Kong. They always wanted to go there. But they got the 2nd prize of “A year of passion.” When they received the prize, it turned out to be 365 condoms. He told a reporter, "I couldn’t believe it. I’m 64 and I have a bad back. My wife has just had her hip replaced. If I was a young chap, still able to do the business, I suppose I’d be happy. But these days, I’d be lucky if I get a stiff neck."
He is now trying to sell his prize.
(#1015) Well, that’s nice
Rebecca takes her boyfriend Howard to see her parents to allow them to ‘pass judgement’ on him.
"Hello Howard," says her father, "it’s nice to meet you. Where do you live?"
"Near Finchley," he replies.
"Near Finchley?" interrupts Rebecca, "He’s too modest, dad. He owns a 10 bedroom mansion with 5 acres of land in Hampstead Garden Suburb."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her father, "so what do you do for a living?"
"Oh, I own a bit of property," he answers.
"A bit of property?" interrupts Rebecca again, "why, Howard owns 10% of the Brent Cross shopping centre and much of the new City Docklands development."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her father, "so what are your future prospects?"
"Oh, I’m planning to expand a bit," replies Howard.
"Expand a bit?" interrupts Rebecca for the third time, "why, Howard’s just about to purchase the old London Stock Exchange tower so that he can convert it into the world’s most expensive hotel."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her father.
Just then Howard sneezes and reaches into his pocket for his handkerchief. Rebecca’s mother immediately asks him, "Have you got a cold, Howard?"
Before he could answer, Rebecca says, "A cold? Don’t be silly mum, Howard’s got full blown pneumonia."
(#1016) Compared to what?
Issy has six daughters, all married but one – and she is not very beautiful. So one day Issy visits Rabbi Levine. "Rabbi, I don’t know what to do about Becky. She seems to be too ugly for the men around here to want to marry. What do you suggest I do?"
"First of all, can I ask you how ugly Becky is?" says Rabbi Levine.
"Well, Rabbi, if she was lying on a plate with some herrings, I don’t think she would stand out from the herrings."
"OK, " says Rabbi Levine, "what kind of herrings are we talking about?"
Surprised by the question, Issy replies, "Err….Bismarck herrings Rabbi."
"That’s really bad luck, then," says Rabbi Levine, "if they were Maatjes herrings, she’d have a much better chance."
(#1017) Good news and bad
Leah phones her husband at work, "Issy, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won’t take long," Leah says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven’t the time," says Issy, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
(#1018) A year in the life
As Sadie and Manny are leaving Brent Cross shopping centre, they see their neighbour’s son Paul and his fiancée Sharon just going in.
"Did you see that? " Sadie says.
"See what?" asks Manny, pretending not to know what Sadie is referring to.
"Paul’s fiancée, that’s who,” Sadie says, "She’s dressing all wrong. She’s probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn’t be wearing such a skimpy see-through top. And such a tight leather skirt she’s wearing - I don’t know how she can breathe properly. And it’s so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she’s got a beautiful face but I don’t think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Manny, that marriage won’t last more than 1 year."
With a deep sigh, Manny replies, "Please God I should have such a year."
(#1019) Barmitzvah present
Avrahom is a 12year old known for his total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah day arrives, Rabbi Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are given - a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a kiddush cup from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopaedia - “The History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; and a bible (old testament).
Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah boy, "My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you."
With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella from behind the lectern and says to Avrahom, "I present you with this umbrella because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you will open."
(#1020) A story for the chronologically
It’s Fay’s 80th birthday and she decides to celebrate it on her own at the Savoy Hotel because they make good drinks there. As soon as she arrives, Fay goes into the bar and orders a whiskey with 2 drops of water.
As the barman gives her the drink, Fay tells him, "I'm 80 years old today, you know."
The barman says, "As it's your birthday, this drink is on me."
"Thank you," says Fay, and she quickly finishes her drink.
Then a woman next to her says, "I’d like to buy you a drink, too."
"Why thanks," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water, please."
"Coming right up," says the barman. Fay again knocks back her drink.
Then a man next to her says, "Mazeltov, madam, may I too buy you a drink?"
"Why yes," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water please."
As he hands her the drink, the barman says, "Excuse me for asking but why the whiskey with only 2 drops of water? I'm dying to know."
Fay replies, "It’s simple - when you're my age, you know how to hold your liquor, but take it from me, water is something altogether different!"
(#1021) The charges
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following]
Sarah and Max get married. On their wedding night, just when Max is highly aroused, Sarah surprises him by demanding £25 for their lovemaking. Max readily agrees.
Over the next 30 years, this scenario is repeated each time they make love - and lovemaking is very frequent because they are both passionate people. Max always regards the payment as a cunning way to let Sarah buy new clothes and go regularly to the hairdressers.
One day, Sarah arrives home just after lunch to find Max at home. He is stressed out and in tears. He tells her, "My company’s been taken over and I’ve been made redundant. What on earth will I do? I’m not young anymore and finding another job quickly will be difficult."
Without saying a word, Sarah opens her bureau and hands Max her Nationwide Building Society passbook. When he opens it, he’s surprised to see it showing deposits plus interest over 30 years totalling nearly £1 million. Sarah then hands him share certificates worth nearly £2 million and says, "Darling Max. For the last 30 years, I’ve been carefully investing my ‘£25 lovemaking charges’ and what you see is the result of my investments. So we don’t need to worry about money."
When he hears this, Max gets even more distraught and agitated than before, so Sarah asks him, "Why are you so upset at such good news, Max?"
Max replies, "Oy vay. If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business."
(#1022) The £1M essay
The teacher says to her class, "OK, children, I want you all to write an essay on what you would do if you won £1million on the lottery."
At the end of the lesson, Isaac hands in a blank piece of paper.
"Isaac," says the teacher, "why haven’t you written anything?"
"Because if I had a million pounds, Miss, that's exactly what I would do - nothing."
(#1023) Canine agent
One day whilst out walking in Golders Green, Max sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale." He’s curious so he rings the bell. The owner tells Max the dog’s name is Cindy. He then takes Max into the back garden where a cavalier King Charles spaniel is just sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" Max asks Cindy.
"Yes, of course I do," Cindy replies.
"So what can you tell me about yourself."
Cindy looks up at Max and says, "I discovered this special gift of speech when I was young and as I’ve always wanted to help my country, I told MI5 about it. In next to no time, they had me flying all over the world, sitting in rooms not only with royalty and world leaders but also with spies. No one figured a dog could be eavesdropping, so I was their most valuable spy. But all the jetting around really tired me out. I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I resigned and signed up for a job at Heathrow airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious people and listening in to their conversations. As a result, I uncovered some incredible plots and deals and received seven doggie awards. I had a husband and many puppies. Now, I'm retired."
Max is amazed and asks the owner how much he wants for Cindy.
The owner says, "£20."
Max says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling her so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Because Cindy is a liar - she didn't do any of the things she told you."
(#1024) The benefactor
Issy the millionaire goes to Synagogue one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
"Rabbi,” says Issy, "that was a God-damned fine sermon you gave today."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Why thank you Issy, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."
But Issy continues, "In fact I was so God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you £10,000 for the synagogue rebuilding fund."
Rabbi Levy replies, "No sh*t?"
(#1025) The doctor’s bill
Morris the Edgware tailor is worried because his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that Dr Myers is the best doctor in Edgware, so Morris rings him to say that he would like him to treat Hetty.
Dr Myers says, “OK, but can you afford me? What if I’m unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?”
Morris replies, “I promise to pay you anything, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her.”
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately, Hetty dies soon after. When Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to the Rabbi. “He promised to pay me, ‘no matter whether I cured his wife or killed her.’”
After a few minutes deliberation, the Rabbi says, “So did you cure her?”
Dr Myers has to reply, “No.”
The Rabbi then asks, “So did you kill her?”
“No, I certainly did not,” replied Dr Myers.
“In that case,” says the Rabbi, “Morris owes you nothing – you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that your fee should be paid.”
(#1027) A trip to the bakers - 1
“How much are the bagels?”
“40p for two.”
“How much for one?”
“Then I’ll take the other one.”
(#1028) A trip to the bakers - 2
“How do you prevent your bagels being stolen?”
“I put lox on them.”
(#1029) £35 is £35
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following]
Manny and his wife Ethel go to the Farnborough Air Display every year. Every year, Manny says, "Ethel, I'd like to take a ride in a plane," and every year she replies, "I know, but a ride in a plane is expensive."
At this year’s Air Display, as Manny and Ethel are walking past the plane ride, Manny says, "Ethel, I'm getting old. If I don't go up in that plane today, I’ll never get another chance."
Ethel replies, "But Manny, that ride costs £35 and £35 is £35 you know."
The pilot hears their conversation, "Hey you two, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take you both up for a ride and if you can both stay absolutely silent for the entire trip, I won't charge you a thing. But if I hear just one sound, I’ll charge you £35."
Manny and Ethel talk it over and agree to the offer. So up they go.
The pilot tries very hard to get them to shout out in fear - he puts the plane in a series of dives; he twists and turns the plane at speed; he even rolls the plane on its back, but he doesn’t hear a sound from his elderly passengers.
When they land, the pilot turns to Manny and says, "You’re very brave, I tried everything to make you shout out aloud, but you didn't utter a word."
Manny replies, "Thanks, but to be honest, I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but £35 is £35 you know."
(#1030) The job seeker
Stan is nearly 60 and for many years now, he’s been regularly going to his local job centre every Tuesday. Every time he goes, he picks up his jobseekers allowance - he’s never been known to actually look for a job.
It’s Tuesday again. Stan walks up to the desk and says to the clerk, "Good morning. What job do you have for me? As you know, I never like claiming any benefits or allowances – I’m not a sponger. I think it’s far better to look for a good job."
The clerk is surprised to hear this, but replies, "You’re really in luck today, Stan. We’ve just received instructions from a very wealthy man who wants a bodyguard / chauffeur for his nymphomaniac daughter. It says here that the hours are very long, but in return, you'll get to wear smart suits, shirts, ties and shoes, all of which will be provided free of charge. Meals will also be provided. You will get to drive a big Lexus when you’re not working and you’ll have to escort the young lady on her many overseas trips. The salary package is £100,000 a year plus expenses."
Stan says, "You're pulling my leg, aren’t you?"
The clerk replies, "Yes, but you started it."
(#1031) The helper
Maurice, a motivational consultant, was just getting into his car when a lovely woman walks up to him and says, “Can you give me a lift please?”
Maurice replies, “Of course I can. You’re beautiful, intelligent and there’s nothing in the world you can’t do. Go for it.”
Little Isaac and his friend John were having an argument about whose father was the strongest. John says, “Do you know the North Sea? Well my dad’s the one who dug the hole for it.”
Isaac replies, “That’s nothing! Do you know the Dead Sea? Well my dad’s the one who killed it.”
(#1033) The breadwinner
One day, Becky meets her old friend Rachel in Hendon. She asks, “So how is your son the solicitor?”
“David’s fine, thanks. Please God every solicitor should be as busy as he is – he’s even having to turn away new business.”
“And how’s your daughter Hannah?”
“She’s doing really fine. She’s now playing her violin in almost every major concert hall around the world and we hardly see her these days.”
“And what about your youngest son?”
“Oh Issy? He’s doing OK, I suppose. He’s currently selling cheap clothing to all the street markets in central London. Mind you, if it wasn’t for Issy, we would all be starving.”
(#1034) Problems, problems
Two doctors are having a conversation over lunch. Simon says, “Every day, Abe, all I hear from my patients are stories of suffering and pain. They describe their back problems, their stomach problems and their headaches. I don’t think I can take much more. But what about you, Abe? You always seem so calm. So tell me, how do you cope so well listening to all these problems?”
Abe replies, “So who listens?”
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