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This is the forty-fifth set of jokes
STOP PRESS: The practical joke
(a true story)
A woman decided to give her husband a laugh for his birthday so she came up with this practical joke – she would make him believe that he had won top prize in the lottery. (1) She gave one of her friends her husband’s address, date of birth and lottery numbers and asked him to ring her husband at work on his birthday and pretend to be a lottery official. (2) With the help of a printer, she produced a letterhead containing the official lottery logo. (3) She told all of her husband’s workmates of her joke and swore them to secrecy.
So on his birthday, her husband got a phone call telling him of his win, quickly followed by a hand delivered lottery letter confirming the win. All his work mates rejoiced with him. Then his wife arrived unannounced at his office and saw the celebrations taking place.
“Why didn’t you ring me as soon as you found out you had won?” she teasingly said to him with a smile.
He replied, “You stupid cow. I’ve been having an affair with your best friend for the last two years and now that I am worth over £6M, I’m leaving you. Goodbye.”
STOP PRESS 2: Retail therapy or ‘who
(a recent UK survey)
More and more women now head to the shops to get their ‘excitement’. One in twelve women said they got more pleasure from finding a sales bargain than making love. In some parts of the UK, almost one third of women felt ‘deeply satisfied’ after a shopping trip.
A psychologist said the buzz some people got from shopping was the same as they experienced during sex. ‘A dedicated female ‘shoppaholic’ will be in a very similar physical state to one who is kissing and enjoying foreplay – a flushed face, rapid breathing and flowing perspiration’.
So a new excuse is born? ‘Not now darling, I’ve been shopping.’
(#995) Late home
Morris and Sadie are having matrimonial problems. Morris runs a small video rental shop and he regularly comes home late from work. As a result, Sadie has to throw away his dinner most nights. Realising her unhappiness, Morris constantly promises her that he will be home in time for dinner, but somehow something always crops up to keep him working late. He really loves Sadie but, after all, times are hard and he has to make a living as well. He just can’t help it.
One morning, Sadie says, "Morris, if you’re not home by 7pm tonight, then I will never cook for you again and our marriage will be in jeopardy."
This ultimatum frightens Morris and he is determined to be home on time for once. So he closes his shop an hour early and sets off for the station. But before he gets there, he is hit by a car and is taken to hospital. Fortunately, his injuries are not too severe and he’s quite quickly released. Nevertheless, a trip to hospital plus tests, X rays and waiting for a doctor takes time and he doesn’t arrive home until 9pm.
Sadie was fuming mad. "What time do you call this?" she shouted, "you said you would be home by 7pm."
"I know I did, darling, " he replied, "but I have an excuse. I was run over by a car on my way home to you. "
"Nu, so it takes 2 hours to get run over?"
(#996) Career change
Leah meets her friend Hannah in Golders Green Bagels and asks, "Hannah, so how is your grandson the Proctologist doing?"
Hannah sighs, "Well Leah, my grandson Paul is no longer a proctologist. He decided to become a dentist a few months ago."
"A dentist?" says Leah, "So why has Paul changed his career?"
"Let's face it," replies Hannah, "everyone starts off with 32 teeth but have you ever heard of anybody who has more than one toches?"
(#997) The joker
One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe.
He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone."
"Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe.
"No, dem it - I’m being serious."
(#998) The homecoming
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following]
As usual, Sidney arrives home at 6.30pm, takes off his coat, turns on the TV and sits down in his favourite chair. This time, however, he turns to Leah and says, "Make me a cup of tea straight away before it starts."
Leah is surprised by this but makes him his cup of tea anyway. Sidney finishes his tea then turns to Leah and says, " Make me another cup of tea straight away. I think it’s going to start very soon."
This time Leah is quite angry, but still makes him another cup of tea. Sidney empties his cup then again turns to Leah and says, "Quickly, another cup before it starts."
At this, Leah loses her cool. "That's the last straw, you rude, inconsiderate pig," she shouts, "you come home, don’t say one word to me, put your fat toches in your armchair and then expect me to act like your servant. Does it ever occur to you that I might be tired, with all the cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping and cooking I do to keep this house of ours spotlessly clean? I don’t think you ever give me a thought. Selfish, that’s what you are. You don’t need a wife, you need a slave, you need someone to …….."
Sidney sighs, "Oh dear, its started."
(#999) The tapper
Louis has a bad attack of laryngitis and completely loses his voice. To help him communicate with his wife Becky, he devises a system of taps.
One tap means, ‘Kiss me, my darling.’
Two taps means, ‘Yes please.’
And ninety-five taps means, ‘I’ll do the drying up.’
(#1000) Family help
After a short illness, little Jeremy died. He was only 9 years old. At his funeral, his family and friends wept at his grave. Rayne, his mother, was inconsolable and was crying heavily as the gravediggers started to cover his coffin with earth.
"Oh my poor darling Jeremy. Why did you leave me at such a young age? You didn’t even get a chance to become a doctor. So bubbeleh, when you get to heaven, don’t forget to tell God how terribly miserable all those you left behind are, especially your mother. And while you’re talking to him, please ask him to help your dear father find a good job so that he can properly support me and your brothers and sisters. And Jeremy, bubbeleh, you must tell God about my back problems and my flatulence and ask him to cure me. And Jeremy, my darling baby, maybe if you told him also of your uncle’s in-growing toenail, maybe he could find time to cure him also. And, bubbeleh, don’t forget to tell God that your elder sister Sarah is already 24 years old and still hasn’t found a husband – maybe he can make her less fussy and help her find a nice property developer to marry? Oh, and Jeremy, my sweet child, ask…………"
One of the gravediggers had heard enough. He turned to Rayne and said, "With all the problems you and your family have, Mrs Levy, you shouldn’t send a young boy to sort them out, you should go and sort things out in person."
(#1001) The same person
[My thanks to Uriah for the following]
Issy and Jacob have finally left Russia and are on their way to London. On the way, they stop off in Paris for some sight-seeing. As they near the Arc De Triumph, they see their old friend Moshe walking towards them. They are keen to talk to him and so they both shout out his name.
The shouting embarrasses Moshe and his face goes bright red. When they meet, Moshe quietly asks them, "Please, my friends, here I am not Moshe but Maurice, and I am not Pisher but De la Fontaine."
(#1002) Business lesson number 1
Some company executives meet at a school reunion. One of them, Moshe, arrives in a chauffer-driven Rolls Royce. Moshe has with him a beautiful young woman and she is dressed in very expensive clothes.
All evening Moshe donates and spends money as if there were no tomorrow. His friends quickly realise that he is very rich and so they ask him how he has managed to become so wealthy.
“Moshe, Don’t be offended but we never thought you would be successful. How did you do it? Please tell us.”
“I don’t mind telling you,” replies Moshe, “I’m in manufacturing and I’ve got a successful product which costs me just £1 to make. I sell all I can produce for £5 and you’d be surprised how quickly 5% adds up.”
(#1003) Business lesson number 2
Hyman emigrates to England and sets up Kosher Tailors Ltd. He starts with making alterations and then moves into bespoke suits. Over time, his 3 sons join him and the company grows and prospers. Soon, the company is exceedingly profitable and his sons want to float KTL on the Stock Exchange.
“Dad,” they say, “we need to establish a financial basis for KTL. How should we determine costs and assets? How do we establish value?”
Hyman thinks for a while, then replies, “Go down to the basement and bring me the box behind the old boiler. You should find some flat irons inside the box. Then go upstairs and bring down the old tailor’s dummy behind the door. You will also find an old treadle sewing machine upstairs together with an ironing board. Bring these also to me.”
The sons do as they were told.
Hyman looks at the old instruments and says, “These are what I started with. Everything else is profit.”
(#1004) Men from the HJVFC
[My thanks to Hilary Ash for the following]
One evening, just outside Golders Green, a fire starts inside Shmatta Ltd, the leading clothing factory in north London and within minutes becomes a fierce fire.
As soon as the first fire engine arrives on the scene, Jacob goes over to the firemen and says, "Please. I’m the chief executive of this factory. All our next season’s designs are in my office in the centre of the building. They must be saved. I’ll give you £25,000 if you can save them."
Even though the thought of the money encourages the men to take risks, the strong, hot flames keep them from going inside. When two more fire engines arrive, Jacob shouts out that the offer is now £50,000 to the team who saves the design files.
Then, from the bottom of Golders Green Road, a single siren is heard and a fourth fire engine comes rushing up the hill towards the fire. From the initials on the front, HJVFC, everyone knows it’s from the Hendon Jewish Volunteer Fire Company, whose members are all over 65. But how can they possibly help? To everyone's amazement, the old-fashioned HJVFC fire engine doesn’t stop outside the building but drives straight into the middle of the fire.
As everyone watches, the elderly Jewish firemen jump down from their engine and begin fighting the fire with unbelievable energy and commitment. Five minutes later, the men from HJVFC have extinguished the fire and save the
secret designs. Jacob keeps to his bargain and writes out a cheque to HJVFC for £50,000. He then personally thanks each one of the elderly fire fighters and in particular, Moshe, the 75year old head of the team.
Jacob asks him, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," says Moshe, "the first thing ve are going to do is fix the brakes on our run down fire engine."
(#1005) The surprise
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder for the following]
Maurice comes home one day to find his wife Hannah, an English teacher, in bed with his best friend.
"Darling," Maurice cries, "how could you? After all the years we’ve been together, I come home from work to find you like this. I am surprised."
"No, no, my dear," says Hannah, "you are amazed. I am surprised."
(#1006) Snow warnings
Issy is married to Becky, a beautiful blonde and they live in Golders Green. One very cold winter morning, they hear the following local radio announcement,
“We’re expecting up to 3 inches of snow today. To help the gritting lorries get through, please park your car on the even numbered side of your street."Becky goes out and moves her car. The following morning, they hear another snow warning on the radio,
"We’re expecting another 4 inches of snow today. To help the gritting lorries get through, please park your car on the odd numbered side of your street."Becky goes out and moves her car again. The next morning, they hear yet another snow warning on the radio,
"We’re expecting a blizzard today – at least another 6 inches of snow. You must park..."when suddenly there is a power cut and the radio goes dead. Becky says to Issy, "Issy darling, now I don't know what to do. What do you think I should do?"
(#1007) Elderly privileges
Hetty, an elderly lady, has been driving around the Brent Cross shopping centre’s car park for some time looking for a place to park when at last she finds one and stops to pull into it. Suddenly, a youngster drives his car around her and parks his smart silver Audi in her space.
Hetty is so upset that she gets out of her car and says to the young driver, "I was going to park there!"
As he walks away, the man just laughs and says, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick."
Well, this really infuriates Hetty. She gets back into her car, backs it up and then drives it at speed straight into his Audi. The youngster runs back to his damaged car and asks, "What did you do that for?"
Hetty smiles and replies, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich."
(#1008) Hungry salesman
Benny the salesman had been driving all day and now it was getting dark, so he stopped for the night at a small hotel. He went to reception and a lady came to the desk. There didn’t seem to be anyone at the hotel - the place was deserted.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"A room please and something to eat," Benny said, "I’m dying of hunger."
She looked at him and didn't like what she saw. He was sweaty, tired looking with bags under his red eyes and his suit was badly creased. It didn’t look like he could afford a meal.
So she said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we're right out of food."
Benny looked straight at her and said, "In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did."
Immediately she grew frightened. "What did your father do?" she asked.
"My father," Benny replied, "did what he had to do."
She became even more frightened when she heard this. Who knows what kind of father this madman had? Maybe his father was a thief or a rapist even. And she was alone with him. So maybe I should keep him happy.
"Hold on sir," she said and returned with a plate full of roast beef, potatoes, hot peppers and slices of rye bread.
She watched in amazement as Benny ate it all in quick time. When he had emptied his plate, he said, "That was great, the best meal I've had in weeks."
Seeing that he was now relaxed, she asked the question that had been worrying her for the last hour. "Could you please tell me what it was that your father did?"
"Oh yes, my father," said Benny, "whenever my father couldn't get anything to eat -- he went to bed hungry."
David went up to his nursery school teacher and said, "Teacher, I found a cat yesterday."
The teacher said, "That’s nice David. Was it dead or alive?"
"Dead," replied David.
"How do you know that?" she asked him.
"Because," said David innocently, "I pissed in its ear and it didn't move a bit."
"You did WHAT?" said the teacher, very surprised.
"You know, teacher," explained David, "I leaned over it and went 'pssst' and it didn't move."
(#1010) Stupid questions asked by cruise
Moshe: How many feet are we above sea level?
Hetty: Do all the crew sleep onboard?
Judith: Do you use salt water or fresh water in the toilets?
Jacob: Does this ship generate its own electricity?
Issy: Which of the lifts will take us right to the front of the ship?
Sadie: What time does the ship’s midnight buffet start?
Hannah: Is this lovely tropical island completely surrounded by water?
(#1011) Thinking ahead
Little Simon has been naughty and is sent to bed by his father. He has only been in bed for a few minutes when he shouts downstairs, "Daddy, oh daddy."
"What do you want?" asks his father.
"I'm thirsty daddy," replies Simon, "can you bring me up a glass of water?"
"No," says his father, "you had your chance earlier. Now get to bed and turn off the light."
A few minutes later, "Daddy, oh daddy"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" shouts his father.
"I told you, daddy, I'm very thirsty. Can I please have a drink of water?"
"I’ve already told you the answer. If you ask again, you’ll be punished."
Again, a few minutes later, "Daddy, oh daddy"
"WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?" shouts his father.
"When you come upstairs to punish me, daddy, can you bring a drink of water with you?"
(#1012) The storm
One evening, as Ruth was tucking her son Sam into bed, a flash of lightening lit up the room and a loud clap of thunder soon followed. She hoped Sam wouldn’t react to the storm and was about to turn off the light when Sam asked, in a frightened voice, "Mummy, can you sleep with me tonight?"
Ruth smiled and gave Sam a big comforting hug. "I can't bubbeleh," she said, "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
After a few seconds of silence, Sam said, in a shaky voice, "The big sissy."
(#1013) The shabbes dress
Edgware synagogue was running its usual popular children’s shabbes service when it was time for the Rabbi to give them a short sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. Little Emma was wearing a really pretty dress and as she sat down, the Rabbi leaned forward and said, "That’s a very pretty dress, Emma. Is it your shabbes dress?"
Emma replied, "Yes, and my Mummy says it's a bitch to iron."
(#1014) Straight question
When Suzy was six months pregnant with her third baby, her three year old son Sam comes into her bedroom just as she is ready to get into the shower.
Sam says, "Mummy, you’re getting fat."
"Yes, darling," says Suzy, "but remember, mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," Sam replies, "but what's growing in your toches?"
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