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This is the forty-third set of jokes
(#955) The night out
One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself.
Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.”
Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.
(#956) Dog attack
[My thanks to my Rabbi for the following joke]
Sidney loved dogs. He thought nothing of approaching any breed of dog, no matter how vicious a reputation it had. One day, however, he tried to stroke a Rottweiler and it attacked him. So serious was the attack that Sidney died of the injuries he sustained.
If you ever come across Sidney’s grave, you will find these words inscribed on his headstone, “HE HAD NO MAZEL”
(#957) The greeting
One day, Avrahom meets Hymie at Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Nice to see you again, Hymie.” he says.
“Nu, is this how my friend greets me?” says Hymie, “Aren’t you going to ask me how I am?”
“So how are you, Hymie?” Avrahom asks.
“Don’t ask.” replies Hymie.
(#958) Good reading
Max was crossing over Hendon Road one day when he was hit by a bus. He was immediately rushed to Hendon hospital and put in intensive care. A few day’s later, Harry, his best friend, visits him.
“So how are things, Max?” Harry asks.
“Not good. My wife Leah visits me three times a day.”
“So what’s bad about that?” says Harry.
“Every time she comes,” replies Max, “she sits at my bedside and reads to me.”
“What does she read?” asks Harry.
”My life insurance policy.”
(#959) Declining morals
Rabbi Levy and Rabbi Landau met one day and within minutes were discussing how quickly morals in the western world were declining.
”Well, I certainly didn't sleep with my wife before I got married.” said Rabbi Levy, “Did you?”
”I can’t be sure,” said Rabbi Landau, “what was her maiden name?”
(#960) The neighbours
Sharon lives in a block of flats. One afternoon, she starts to worry because she hasn't heard anything for days from the elderly widow who lives next door.
So Sharon says to her son Paul, "Boobalah, be a good boy. Go find out how old Mrs Himmelfarb is?"
A few minutes later, Paul returns.
"Nu?" asks Sharon, "Is she OK?"
"She's fine mum, but she's quite angry with you," replies Paul.
"Angry with me?" says Sharon, "What has she got to be angry about?"
"Well," says Paul, “she said, ... it's none of your business how old she is."
(#961) Room service
Jacob is staying at a London hotel and decides to phone his friend. He calls the operator and in broken English with a heavy Eastern European/Yiddish accent, he asks for 266418.
Ten minutes later, Jacob hears a knock on his door. When he opens it, he sees two gorgeous, sexy women standing there.
One of them says to him, “Was it you who ordered two shikses for one night?"
(#962) To be a doctor
A doctor needs three things to be successful
1. To have grey hair, to look distinguished;
2. To be moderately overweight, to look prosperous;
3. To have painful haemorrhoids, to have a constant look of grave concern.
(#963) A call to the doctor
Sarah had recently given birth to her first child. Sarah was also a bit of a worrier to say the least and she hadn’t been home long before she rang her doctor in a state of panic.
“So what’s the problem, Sarah?” asks the doctor.
“My baby has a temperature of 102, doctor. Is he going to die?” shouts Sarah.
The doctor, needing to determine whether Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere, said, “I hope you don’t mind me asking you this question, but …how are you taking it?”
Sarah replied, “Oh, I'm holding up pretty well, doctor.”
(#964) The business competitors
Benjy and Issy were in conversation. Benjy says, “Did you know our synagogue has not one but two podiatrists as members?”
“Yes,” replies Issy, “and did you know that they have both just opened new clinics in the same street?”
“Well, that doesn’t really surprise me,” says Benjy with a gleam in his eye, “after all, they were arch enemies."
(#965) Doctor’s advice
Sam is recovering from a recent heart attack and goes to visit Dr Myers, his cardiologist. After a full check up, Dr Myers tells Sam that he will be able to resume his sex life as soon as he can climb two flights of stairs without getting out of breath.
Sam says, “OK, but what if I only look for women who live on the ground floor?"
(#966) The wedding ceremony
Maurice and Rachel are sweethearts. Maurice lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.
Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Maurice to take an alternate route to the synagogue. The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppa. As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Maurice, "Pull down your trousers."
"Rabbi, I've changed my mind," says Maurice, "I think I prefer the traditional service."
(#967) A really stupid joke (for children)
Shlomo the tomato was out walking one day with his wife and young son Benjy the tomato. Unfortunately, Benjy the tomato was not walking fast enough and he kept falling behind his parents. So Shlomo the tomato turned round and shouted at Benjy, “You meshuggener, ketch-up.”
(#968) Time off for a happy event
Issy went to see his personnel manager. “Could I please have this Friday off so that I can have a long weekend?”
“Because my wife is expecting a baby,” Issy replied.
“But of course you can, Issy,” came the reply. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? When is the event due?”
“About nine months after I get home.”
(#969) It’s not my fault
Jacob is in court facing the judge. The judge says to him, “It has been brought to my attention that you are now 4 months behind with your alimony. Do you realise that this is a serious omission?”
“Yes, your honour, but let me explain,” replies Jacob, “It’s all because my second wife Judith isn’t very well at the moment and she can’t work too hard.”
(#970) Jewish Women’s Shopping Centre
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following joke]
Rivkah goes to the new shopping centre in Hendon. It’s unique because it’s only for Jewish women looking for Jewish husbands. Potential husbands are the only goods on display. This is why Rivkah is there.
When she enters the building, there is a large sign, which says: -
THE HENDON JWSCRivkah goes to the first floor. The sign on the door says
BEST OF LUCK
- This JWSC centre is laid out over 5 floors
- The men here have increasingly better attributes the higher up you go
- The rules for entry are simple – you are only allowed in once
- Once you open the door to a floor, you must choose a man from that floor
- If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to leave the centre
Moshe’s haberdashery business was doing very badly and he decided he had to reduce his staffing level by two if he wanted to survive. So two had to go. But it didn’t help for long and he soon had to let another two go, and then soon after that, another two. Moshe died not long afterwards. All who knew him said that the terrible strain of running his business contributed to his death.
Later, as they were carrying Moshe’s body to his grave, Moshe suddenly pushed off the lid, sat up in his coffin and asked, “How many men are carrying me?”
“Eight,” came the reply.
“Better lay off two,” said Moshe, lying down again.
(#972) Silence is not golden
Bernie and Estelle had a big argument, which ended with neither one speaking to the other. This ‘silence’ went on for three days. But then Bernie realised he needed Estelle’s help because he had an early morning flight to catch. However, he still couldn’t bring himself to talk to her so he wrote a note and left it on her pillow.
It said, "Please wake me at 5 am. I have to catch an early plane."
Next morning, Bernie woke and found to his horror that it was 9 am. He heard Estelle busy in the kitchen and there was a note on his pillow.
It said, "It's 5 am. Wake up."
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following joke]
Sam goes into a barber’s shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around his shop and replies, "About 30 minutes."
Sam thanks him and leaves.
Two days later, Sam again enters the shop, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 45 minutes."
Sam again thanks him and leaves.
A week later, Sam sticks his head into the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around his shop and says, "About 35 minutes."
Sam once again thanks him and leaves.
Issy is bewildered by this strange behaviour so he says to his assistant, "Could you please follow that man and let me know where he goes. He keeps asking me how long he would have to wait for a haircut but doesn't return."
Five minutes later, his assistant comes back, laughing aloud. Issy asks him, "So where did the guy go when he left here?"
The assistant looks at Issy and replies, "Your house."
(#974) The mermaid
It’s Sunday morning, and as usual, Abe, Issy and Benny are out fishing. Suddenly, Benny catches a mermaid. The mermaid begs him to set her free. In return, she will grant each of them a wish.
Abe doesn't believe her and says, "If you can really grant wishes, double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Abe starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyses what he's recited with great insight.
Issy is amazed and says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Issy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been puzzling the greatest scientists of the world - the mathematicians, atomic physicists and chemists.
Benny sees the changes in his friends, so he says to her, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him with a worried look and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but in this case, I really think you should reconsider. You just don't know what you're asking for. It will change your entire view of life as you now know it. Please, ask for something else. Ask for £1m and I’ll give it to you. Ask for anything, please."
Benny replies, "I hear what you’re saying but I’ll take the chance. I want you to increase my IQ to five times its usual power. If you don't, I won't set you free."
So the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
Shazzam. Benny turns into a woman.
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