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This is the forty-first set of jokes
(#915) Whatís ethics?
[My thanks to Jean Reed for the following joke]
Issy was the proud co-owner of the local dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, whilst he was finishing his chicken soup, his 9year old son Sam asked, "Dad, whatís ethics?"
Issy thought for a while, put down his spoon, looked at Sam and replied, "Okay, let's suppose someone comes into my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean. Then suppose I find a £20 note in his trouser pocket?"
Sam looked expectantly at his father.
"So," Issy said, "to answer your question, Sam, do I tell my partner I found the money? That's ethics".
(#916) The new solicitors
[My thanks to Jean Reed for the following joke]
Two solicitors, Levy and Cohen, opened an office in Kilburn. As this was a gentile part of London, they decided to call their firm Christian and Christian in order to attract non-Jewish clients. But on their opening day, they forgot to tell their switchboard operator what to say. When anyone phoned in and asked for Mr Christian, she answered, "Which Christian do you want, Levy or Cohen?"
(#917) The poor tailor
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following joke]
Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.
One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why.
The manager replied, "Youíre enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."
Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.
They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."
The judge then asked Abe, "And what do you have to say about that?"
Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "Whatís the meaning of that?"
Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
(#918) Shame on you
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following joke]
Itís 3am in the morning in Golders Green and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door. Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.
"Can I have a push?" says the drunk.
"No you canít," says Maurice, "itís three oíclock in the morning. Please go away, youíll wake the children."
Maurice shuts the door and goes back to bed.
"Who was that?" asks Golda.
"Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push," Maurice replies.
"So did you help him?" Golda asks.
"No I didnít. Itís 3am and itís pouring with rain," replies Maurice.
Golda says, "Shame on you, Maurice. Have you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside."
So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" Maurice shouts.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"So where are you?" asks Maurice.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
(#919) Door lock
Issy drives his friend Hyman to the shops in Golders Green. As they get out of the car, Issy locks the doors in such a hurry that he forgets to remove the ignition key first.
"Oy vay," says Issy.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open the door," says Hyman.
"No, I donít think thatíll work," replies Issy, "because passers-by will think we're breaking into the car."
"OK," suggests Hyman. We can use a penknife to cut the rubber seal around the driverís door, then I can stick in a finger and pull out the key."
"No, absolutely not." replies Issy. "Passers-by will think we're stupid for not using a coat hanger,."
"OK," says Hyman, "youíd better think of something else and quick. It's starting to rain and your sun roofís still open."
(#920) Thanks for nothing
One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3.99.
"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don't want the eggs."
"OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4.50."
"Why," asked Shlomo, "it doesnít make sense.
"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied.
"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.
"Yes, " replied the waitress.
"OK then, I'll take the special," says Sadie.
"How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress.
"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.
At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.
(#921) Whatís the time, than?
Yitzhak had just moved into a new flat in Hendon and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited Benny back to his flat where they continued to celebrate.
Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not show me around?"
So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his flat and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom where his friend couldnít help but notice a very large brass gong and hammer on the chest of drawers.
"Is that a dinner gong?" asked Benny.
"It's not really a gong, Benny, itís more like a talking clock," Yitzhak replied.
"A talking clock? Are you serious?" said Benny.
"Of course," replied Yitzhak.
"So how does it work?" said Benny.
"Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked up the hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pounding. They stood looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the flat next door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It's quarter to three in the morning."
(#922) All change
Mogadishu Yogi is visiting north London. During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack bar called ďBenjyís Hot DogsĒ and as he wants to try everything, he goes into the shop and says, "Make me one with everything."
Benjy goes to work and soon puts together a loaded hot dog. He hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with a £10 note, which Benjy quickly puts into his pocket.
"So," asks Mogadishu Yogi, "where's my change?"
Benjy replies, "Change must come from within."
(#923) The new companions
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, you do not visit me anymore in the garden. I am lonely here and itís getting hard for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "OK, I will create you a companion who will be a reflection of my love for you and you will then know that I love you at all times. Regardless of how childish, selfish and unlovable you are, your companion will always accept and love you."
And God created a new animal for Adam and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, I canít think of a name for this new animal. All the good names in the animal kingdom have already been assigned."
And God said, "OK, because I created this animal, his name will be a reflection of mine and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a good companion and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
Later, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Oh Lord, Adam now struts around like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught Adam humility."
And the Lord said, "OK, I will create another companion for Adam who will see him as he is. And this companion will remind him of his limitations and he will soon know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT. And Cat would not obey Adam. When Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
(#924) Mosheís favourite London signs
Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly
used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea?
(#926) The examination
Sadie took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Sadie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"Iím not really surprised," Sadie replied, "Bernieís been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."
(#927) Religious test
Moshe, Peter and Ali were discussing who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the desert," said Ali. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose faith in the Almighty. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 100 yards all around me the storm had stopped. Since that day, I am a devout believer in God."
"One day while fishing," said Peter, "I was in my little boat in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my boat was tossed around by the rough waves. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 300 yards all around me the storm had stopped. Since that day Iím a devout Christian and now teach young children about Him."
"One Saturday, I was walking down the road to my synagogue in Hendon," explained Moshe. "I was in my most expensive designer outfit. Suddenly I saw a leather bag drop to the ground in front of me. It appeared out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of money. I truly thought my end had come as we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my God. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 500 yards all around me it was Sunday."
(#928) The good cook
Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away.
"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Donít we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."
(#929) School lunch
It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.
Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."
(#930) White hair
One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?"
Her mother replied, "Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her motherís hairs turns white."
Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
(#931) The art class
Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leahís desk. Leah was working very diligently at her work.
Rebecca said, "What are you drawing, Leah?"
Leah replied, "I'm drawing God, teacher."
Rebecca paused and then said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Leah."
Without looking up from her work, Leah replied, "They will in a minute."
(#932) No hopers
Arnold and Estelle have been engaged for over 15 years. She wonít marry him while he is shicker and he won't marry her while he is sober.
(#933) 50th Anniversary
Moshe and Sadie lived in a retirement home in Hendon and were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Although David, Henry and Alan, their 3 sons, had successful careers, they had been visiting their parents less and less over recent times. Nevertheless, the sons agreed to visit their parents at their home for a special Sunday dinner. As usual, they all arrived late and almost immediately their excuses began.
"Happy anniversary mum and dad," spurted David, "I'm sorry I'm late but I had an emergency at the hospital. You know how it is. So I didnít even have time to stop to get you both a present."
"Donít worry," said Moshe, "the main thing is, we're together, arenít we?"
Henry then came over. "Hi dad, you're looking great. And wow, mum, donít you look good also, you're looking just like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal Iíd been working on for the last 6 months. So I came here straight from Heathrow and Iím sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?"
"It's nothing," said Moshe, " the main thing is we're all together"
Then Alan came in and said, "Hi mum and dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so Iíll have to leave as soon as weíve finished dinner. Iíve been so busy packing that I didn't have time to buy you anything."
Moshe sighed and replied, "I don't care as long as I have my 3 sons together."
Halfway through the meal, Moshe, in a reflective mood, said, "Now might be a good time to tell you all something that has been on your motherís and my mind for years. Your mother and I, well, we came to England during the war. We had no money and were desperate and in our struggle to survive, I'm sorry to tell you that we never got around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few years, it didn't seem so important, soÖ"
The 3 sons gasped, "Dad, do you mean.. do you mean.. we're bastards?"
"Yes,Ē replied Moshe, ďthatís exactly what I do mean and cheap ones, too"
(#934) Home efficiency
Hyman was an efficiency expert and at the end of one of his lectures, he concluded with a note of caution. "Please don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked Benny, who was in the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," Hyman explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, oven, table and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Darling, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" Benny asked.
"Actually, yes," replied Hyman. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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