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This is the fortieth set of jokes
[My thanks to Hilary for the following joke]
Issy and Shlomo have been running a Jewish goods shop in Kilburn, London for over 40 years but the neighbourhood was not what it was and the Jewish community was moving out.
One day, Shlomo says, "Issy, our customers are moving out. Ve haff to move to where they are going - to Golders Green or Hendon, if ve vant to survive."
"Ve can't do this," replies Issy, "dis neighbourhood iz our life. Ve've been here for foity-tree years. However, instead of moving, ve should tink about sellink Katolik articles as vell as Jewish vuns."
"Vut? Katolik tings?" says Shlomo, "Dat’s a meshuggeneh idea. Ve Jews can’t sell anytink Katolik."
But in the following week they only manage to sell one mezuzah and a Barmitzvah tallit and by Friday Shlomo comes round to Issy’s way of thinking - they will have to stock some Catholic articles. "OK Issy," he says, "You vin. Call de Katolik supplier in Cricklevood right now." So Issy rings them.
"Hello, is dis de Katolik Supply House?"
"Yes it is. How can we be of help, sir?"
"Dis is Issy of Issys and Shlomos in Kilburn. Ve vant 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, all autographed please, and 200 of dem beads, vot dey called?"
"Rosaries, sir. Will there be anything else?"
"Yes, ve also vant some crosses, a gross will do for starters, and ve vant you to deliver all of dese things to us tomorrow morning."
"OK sir," comes the reply, "Let me read the list back to you to check that I’ve got your order right. You require a delivery tomorrow morning of 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, each one to be personally signed by his holiness, 200 sets of Rosaries and 144 crucifixes. But about dese crucifixes – do you vant dem mit or mitout de Jesuses? Ve can do either. But tomorrow ve don't deliver. It's shabbos."
(#896) You know your mother is Jewish when
(#898) Sights of London
Yitzhak and Hyman are visiting London for the first time. One day, whilst out sightseeing in Golders Green, they come across two Jews with long beards and dreadlocks, wearing long black coats and wide brimmed hats.
Yitzhak, who’s a bit of a joker, points to them and says to Hyman, "What are they?"
Hyman replies, "Hassidim."
"I see them too," says Yitzhak smiling, "but what are they?"
(#899) Plastic surgery
Max and Leah visit a plastic surgeon. When asked what they would like done, Max replies, “It’s her tuchus, doctor, her backside is getting so large that I can no longer get my hands around it.”
“So,” says the doctor, “you would like me to perform a tuchus reduction?”
“No, no,” replies Max, “I need a hand enlargement.”
(#900) Life’s lesson
Little Sam was out shopping with his mother, something he didn’t like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn’t have but wanted. Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his mother firmly said, "I’m very sorry Sam, but we didn’t come out to buy you a toy."
Sam angrily said, "I’ve never met a woman as mean as you."
Holding his hand gently, she replied, "Sam, darling, one day you'll get married and then you will ... you really will, I promise you."
Moshe worked in an upmarket men’s clothes shop in London. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed Moshe’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous suit we've had in stock for such a long time."
"Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom."
"That's the one!" said Moshe.
"Mazeltov," Avrahom shouted, "I really thought we'd never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me."
(#902) Flying companion
Lionel is flying back to London. He boards his plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a heavy, mean-looking, giant of a man sits next to him and promptly falls asleep.
During the flight, Lionel begins to feel quite sick and wants to go to the toilet, but he's afraid to wake the giant and it would be impossible to climb over him. So Lionel has to sit there trying to decide the best course of action. Suddenly, the plane hits some air turbulence and lurches around for a few seconds. A wave of nausea overcomes Lionel and he is sick all over the giant.
Some time later, the giant awakes and sees the vomit over him.
"So," says Lionel, "are you feeling better now?"
(#903) The thoughtful juror
When Rivkah was called up for jury service, she asked the judge whether she could be excused.
"I don’t believe in capital punishment," she said, "and I wouldn’t want my views to prevent the trial from running its proper course".
The judge liked her thoughtfulness but had to tell her that she was perfectly suitable to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial, it's just a simple civil lawsuit. Mrs F is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the entire £15,000 he had promised her for her birthday so that she could carry out a make-over on her kitchen."
"OK," said Rivkah, "I'll join your jury - I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
(#904) Five quickies
1. Moshe was talking to his friend. "I had it all, Hymie - money, a beautiful house and the love of a beautiful woman. Then pow! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked Hymie.
"My wife found out about the beautiful woman."
2. Sharon says to Leah, "Aren't you wearing
your ring on the wrong finger?"
Leah replies, "Yes - I married the wrong man."
3. Freda says to her husband, “Let's go
out tonight and have some fun.”
Max replies, “OK, but if you get home before me, leave the porch light on.”
4. Harry said to his friend, "I married Miss right, but I just didn't know her first name was Always."
5. Moshe muttered a few words in the synagogue and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
(#905) Negative views on marriage
Bernie says marriage is not a word, it's a sentence,
a life sentence.
Sadie says marriage is a three-ring circus,
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Bernie and Sadie say that married life is full of excitement and frustration,
Bernie says a happy marriage is a matter
of giving and taking,
the husband gives and the wife takes.
How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Is it true in ancient China a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
Father: That's true everywhere, son.
Sadie says love is one long sweet dream,
and marriage is the alarm clock.
Bernie says that when a man holds a woman's
hand before marriage, it’s love,
but after marriage, it’s self-defence.
Bernie told Sadie during their courtship
that he would go through hell for her,
they got married and now he IS going through hell.
Confucius, he say,
“man who sinks into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.”
Bernie says, “when a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”
Bernie and Sadie say that after marriage,
a husband and wife become two sides of a coin,
they can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Bernie and Sadie say marriage is when man
and a woman become one,
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Bernie says before marriage, a man yearns
for the woman he loves,
after the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
Bernie says it's not true that married
men live longer than single men,
it only seems longer.
Bernie says man is incomplete until he
then he is finished.
Sadie says it doesn't matter how often
a married man changes his job,
he still ends up with the same boss.
Bernie inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE
The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
Sadie says when a man opens the door of
his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing,
either the car is new or the wife is.
Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their 80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love. While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those loving pet names."
Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
(#907) The proud mother
Jewish mothers don't differ from any other mothers in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. Rivkah, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just-graduated sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."
(#908) Business is business
Fay is sitting at a hotel bar waiting for her husband to arrive when a man approaches her.
"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"
"Why?" asks Fay, "do you have one to sell?"
(#909) Unfolding the future
Cyril had just retired and was having a discussion with his wife Ethel on what the future might hold for them.
"What will you do if I die before you?” Cyril asks.
After some thought, Ethel replies, "Oh, I’ll probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed women. As I’m still quite active, the other three could be a little younger than me."
Then Ethel asks Cyril, "What will you do if I die first?"
Cyril replies, "Probably the same thing."
(#910) Facts of life
Benny was fed up with being bossed around by his wife Leah so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up his self-esteem. So he lent Benny a book on assertiveness. Benny started to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he had finished the book.
Benny strode manfully into the house, walked over to Leah, pointed his finger at her and said, "From now onwards you must get it into your head that I and not you make all the decisions in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare me my favourite meal and I expect a special mouth-watering dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of the bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"Abrahamson, the funeral director, that’s who." replied Leah.
(#911) Love versus marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for two at the Savoy Hotel.
Marriage is Chinese take-away.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding which sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting a break from children.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering TV.
(#912) Moshe’s advice
A man walks into Moshe’s shoe shop and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks Moshe.
"Well the left one feels a bit tight," replies the man.
Moshe looks down at the shoe on the man’s left foot and says, "Try it again, this time with the tongue out."
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
(#913) Queens English
Lionel is walking home one Friday afternoon feeling quite downcast because he is starting a new job on Monday and desperately needs a new suit. But he can’t afford to buy one. Just then he passes the Hendon Menswear Shop and sees a large sign in the window: -
"What d'ya think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink."
Lionel goes into the shop and chooses a new suit. He is very pleased with it – it’s just right for his new job. He is about to leave the shop, looking good and feeling lucky, when his joy is cut short. Fink stops him and demands payment for the suit.
Lionel says, "But your sign in the window says, ‘What d’ya think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink.’ So how come you want payment?"
"You are reading my sign wrong," replies Fink. "It actually says, ‘What d'ya think? - My name is Fink? - And I sell clothes for nothink?’"
(#914) What did you say?
Benny’s hearing has been getting worse of late and he finally decides to buy a hearing aid. But he doesn’t want to spend too much money on it. He goes into a hearing aid shop and asks the salesgirl, "How much do hearing aids cost?"
"That depends on the model," she replies, "they start from £5 and go up to £2,500."
"So show me the £5 model, already" says Benny.
The salesgirl puts the £5 device around Benny's neck and tells him, "All you do is put this stud in your ear and run this length of wire down to your pocket."
"Nu, so does it work?" asks Benny.
"With respect, sir, for £5, it doesn't work," she replies, "but when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
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