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This is the thirtyeighth set of jokes

****STOP PRESS*****
Here is a good singles advert which, it is said, appeared in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so gullible.
PS Do you know that the word ‘gullible’ doesn’t appear in every English dictionary? Do  you have one of the rare dictionaries that include this word?
****END OF STOP PRESS*****

(#855) The cats away
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following joke]
Moshe was recovering in hospital from prostate surgery. To make matters worse, his surgeon had told him that it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active again. Peter visited him to wish him well.  Robert visited him to wish him a speedy recovery. His partner Abe visited his wife.

(#856) Who needs friends?
[My thanks to Jean Reed for the following joke]
Rabbi Bloom was having trouble getting a minyan together. Several families with strong anti-war views had recently left his synagogue and taken up the Quaker faith.
"It can't be helped," Rabbi Bloom lamented.  "It seems some of my best Jews are Friends."

(#857) The Queen’s English
[My thanks to Jean Reed for the following joke]
Abe ran a thriving business and was very wealthy. Many of his customers were gentiles and he was therefore proud of his success. But he was worried about his teenage son, Issy, the heir to his business. Issy often used Yiddish words and phrases, some of them vulgar, in front of customers and greatly upset them. For weeks Abe struggled with his problem. He was a widower and knew of no classy woman he felt could help. At last, the answer came to him. It was the perfect solution.
Abe went to see Father Brown, the local Catholic priest and a highly educated cleric whose command of English was flawless. As the church was having financial problems, Abe offered Father Brown £25,000 if the priest would agree to take Issy under his wing for a week and teach the boy to speak English the way he did. So, protesting loudly every step of the way, Issy went to board with the eloquent priest.
A day passed, then two, but Abe heard nothing.  Finally, on the third day, he couldn’t stand the suspense and he called the church. Father Brown answered the phone himself. Hoping for a miracle, but far from convinced, Abe asked how Issy was getting on.
"Oy," replied the priest, "let me tell you, the first few days with Issy were hell. He called me 'meshuggeh,' he said my cassock was an ugly 'shmatta', and he never stopped complaining about my 'kvetching.'"
Father Brown sighed audibly. "Nu, but don't despair, Mr Goldberg. I haven't given up. And after all, won't any improvement be better than 'bupkes'?"

(#858) The fly and the raisin
[My thanks to Jean Reed for the following joke]
A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe.
"Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded.  "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday."
Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."

(#859) Shush
[My thanks to Ian Macausland-berg for the following joke]
Rabbi Landau is, as usual, standing near the shul's exit shaking hands as his congregation leave. But as Max is leaving, Rabbi Landau grabs his hand, pulls him aside and says, "Max, I think you need to join the Army of God!"
"But I'm already in God’s Army, Rabbi," says Max.
"So how come I don't see you in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" says Rabbi Landau.
Max goes up to Rabbi Landau and whispers in his ear, "Shush, I'm in the secret service."

(#860) The prisoner
[My thanks to David Levin for the following joke]
Solly is serving time in Wandsworth prison for a securities fraud. Even so, he is still loved by his father Maurice. One day, Maurice writes Solly a letter: -

“My darling Solly,
It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.
Love from your Dad”
Solly replies: -
“Dearest Dad
Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid the money and the securities. Be patient. Wait until I get out.
Love as always Solly”
At 4am in the morning, the police show up at Maurice’s house and dig up the entire garden.  Two days later, Maurice receives another letter from Solly: -
“Dearest Dad,
Now the garden has been dug over, you can start to plant your garden. It’s the best I could do from here.
Your devoted son Solly”
(#861) They found out
Avrahom has done very well in business and is now very rich. One day, to show off his new Bentley Continental car, he tells his driver to take him to the exclusive ‘Neasden Golf Club’. But when they get there, a sign over the door clearly states that Jews are not permitted access.
Undeterred, Avrahom says to his driver, "Wait here for me."
His driver replies, "But sir, the sign – they’ll kick you out immediately."
"But I don't have to tell them I’m Jewish," says Avrahom, as he walks to the gate.
So his driver waits. One hour goes by, then two and soon three. Then, after three and a half hours, Avrahom is thrown out by two tough looking security guards.
His driver asks, "So what happened, sir?"
"Everything was OK until we got to the eighth hole," replies Avrahom. "I sliced my drive and the ball dropped into the lake. I shouted out, 'Oh, my God, what shall I do now?' and then the waters separated …….and everybody knew."

(#862) Identity crisis
Isaac was sitting at a table in his favourite restaurant when he called over his waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Isaac.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
"Because I was expecting a much older man by now," replied Isaac.

(#863) Enigma
If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she'd have said, "Mona, bubeleh, after all the money your father and I spent on your brace, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

(#864) Old Jewish proverb
"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

(#865) My son the surgeon
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic, Abe asked to speak to his son.
"Yes dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, Jacob, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if God forbid something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

(#866) What’s the time?
Benjy was showing off again. He says to Shlomo, "I’ve just bought the best hearing aid money can buy. It cost me £3,000, but it’s state of the art so it’s worth every penny."
"What kind is it?" asks Shlomo.
"A quarter to twelve," replied Benjy.

(#867) The visitors
Peter and Patrick are visiting Stamford Hill for the first time when they come across two Jewish men wearing long black coats, wide brimmed hats, with long beards and payess (ear locks). Patrick turns to Peter, who is an educated gentleman, and says, "What are they?"
Peter replies, "Hassidim."
Patrick responds, "I see them, too, but what are they?"

(#868) Jewish wish of friendship
May you be granted every wish; and always have gefilte fish.
May you stay safe from winds and hails; and always shop at Bloomingdale's.
May you always understand every detail; and never have to pay retail.
May you regard every man as your brother; and always remember to call your mother.

(#869) Isn’t faith wonderful
One sunny shabbes afternoon in Golders Green, Shlomo and Issy, two old friends, meet for the first time in years. After exchanging the usual amenities, they sit down on a bench to talk. Shlomo says, "Issy, people are telling me that you don’t go to shul any more. Can it be that you no longer believe in God?"
Issy looks uncomfortable and quickly changes the subject.
The next afternoon, they meet again on the bench. "You must tell me, Issy," asks Shlomo, "don’t you believe in our God anymore?"
"OK Shlomo, here is a straight answer to your straight question," replies Issy. "No, I don’t think I do."
"Oy veh, so why didn’t you tell me that yesterday?" asks Shlomo.
Issy, looking very shocked, replies, "God forbid! I should tell you that on shabbes?"

(#870) Personal help
One day, Sadie visits a golf driving range to practice before an important game. As she is about to drive her first ball, she notices the man next to her.
"Excuse me," she says, "You’re facing the wrong direction."
"Oy Vay. Tenks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't have known. I'm blind, you know."
He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range.
A few minutes later, he says to Sadie, "How am I doing?"
"Not bad," she replies, "most of your shots were straight and long, but you sliced a few."
"Tenks again," he replies, "Vitout you telling me, I vouldn't know dees tings."
A few shots later, he asks, "Do you mind I should ask a poissonal qvestion?"
"No," Sadie replies, "fire away."
"I don't seem to do vell vit de ladies. Am I ugly or fett?"
"You're quite presentable," says Sadie, smiling, "that shouldn’t be a problem."
Smiling, he says, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask that qvestion."
As he was about to hit another ball, Sadie interrupts him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks.
"Vit gladness. I vill tek all de help you hev got," he replies.
"Lose the Jewish accent, " Sadie says, "you're Chinese."

(#871) One for the women
When Sarah sees an advert in the Jewish Chronicle,
REBECCA AND CO LTD, HIGH QUALITY DECORATORS AND GARDENERS
she contacts Rebecca for a quote to repaint the interior of her house.
Rebecca arrives and Sarah walks her through her home explaining what colours she wants for each room.
In the first room, Sarah says, "I would like this room painted in cream."
Rebecca writes it down, walks to the window, opens it and yells out, "Green side up." She closes the window and follows Sarah to the second room.
Sarah is confused, but continues, "I would like an off blue colour for this room."
Again, Rebecca writes it down, opens the window and yells out, " Green side up."
This baffles Sarah, but she is hesitant to say anything.
In the third room, Sarah says, "I would like this room painted a rose colour.
And once more, Rebecca opens the window and yells, " Green side up."
Sarah musters up courage and asks, "Why do you keep shouting 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the colour I would like the room?"
Rebecca replies, "Because I have a team of Jewish men laying new turf across the road."

(#872) The arrival
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came over the tannoy.
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah. To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."

(#873) I'm a senior citizen

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I’m having the time of my life. If I could remember who sent this to me, I would send it to others. Have I already sent this to you?

(#874) Mixed up
Hyman is 25 and leads the most over-examined life you can imagine. Each day, he spends his time thinking about those he met that day, worrying about everything said to him, wondering about every look, gesture and expression made, and hoping he came across OK. Even when he goes to bed, he has to write at least two pages in his diary about his conclusions and how he will improve his actions the following day to make people like him more.
One day, Hyman goes to Max, one of his few friends, in a very agitated state.  “What’s wrong?” asks Max.
“Well,” replied Hyman, “my father and I never had much of a relationship whilst I was growing up. He’s always ignored me and he’s never encouraged me to succeed. I’ve been trying to get him to talk to me for some time now, but without success. Then last night, out of the blue, he rings me and invites me out to dinner. I was gob smacked. I tried to work out - why now, why dinner, why ….”
“But did you go?” said Max.
“Yes, but during dinner, I said the wrong thing. It was just a slip of the tongue really and I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”
“Well, so what did you say?” asked Max.
Hyman replies, “I meant to say, ‘please pass the salt’, but it came out as, ‘you miserable old sod, you’ve ruined my life’.”

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