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This is the thirtyseventh set of jokes
*** STOP PRESS ***
It’s true. Research by Barclaycard has shown that women have just 72 minutes of shopping with their man before he starts to loose interest in the exercise. Women will happily spend 100 minutes roaming around from shop to shop until something catches their eye. Men, however, treat shopping as a project. They do not look around to compare prices - they know what they want AND they know where to get it.
So, for you Moshes and Sadies out there, it’s a good idea to get your joint shopping expedition finished within 72 minutes of arriving at the shopping centre. Then, to avoid any flaming rows, please go your own separate ways. That way you’ll stay married longer! REMEMBER --- 72 minutes and not a minute longer!
*** END OF STOP PRESS ***
(#835) The cruise liner
[My thanks to Hilary Ash for the following joke]
To avoid a catastrophe during a raging storm, the captain of the Kosher Yenta, the largest and most expensive cruise ship ever launched, decided to dock at a small port on a Caribbean island. But it was too far down to the dock below for the ship’s standard gangplank to reach, so passengers who wanted to leave the ship were asked to use a makeshift narrow piece of wood as a passageway down to the dock.
All of a sudden Sadie, aged 70, appeared at the top of the plank. The captain just stood there motionless, wondering whether she would make it down safely as there was no room for anyone to assist her. But to his great relief, Sadie edged along very slowly and eventually made it down to the dock. However, as soon as she got down, Sadie looked back up to the top of the plank and shouted, "It's OK mummy, you can come down now."
(#836) The interview
Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, "We would like you to work for us. We’ll give you £10 an hour starting today and in three months time we’ll increase it to £15 an hour. So when would you like to start?"
Harry replies, "In about 3 months from now."
(#837) Check-up questions
At Hyman’s recent medical check up, his doctor asked him a few questions. Here’s how Hyman answered these questions: -
Q. How do you feel? A. How should I feel?
Q. What hurts you? A. What doesn't hurt me?
Q. When do you feel bad? A. When don't I feel bad?
Q. When did it start? A. When will it end, better?
(#838) Reason for divorce
Hymie is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yes, it’s true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
(#839) The birthday present
Avrahom walks into John Lewis department store and goes straight to the perfumery department. He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."
(#840) Business failure
Benny was talking to his best friend Harry. “You know Harry, I can’t understand why you failed in business. You had such good ideas.”
“Too much advertising was the main reason for my failure,” replied Harry.
“But I can’t remember you spending a penny on advertising all your life,” said Benny.
“You’re correct there,“ said Harry, “but all my competitors did.”
(#841) The dry cleaners
Yitzhak needed his tallis cleaned. Rosh Hashana was over and there was time until Yom Kippur. So he called his friend Lionel to ask which dry cleaner to use.
Lionel said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe’s Dry Cleaners on Golders Green High Road. He only charges £4."
But when Yitzhak went to Moishe’s, he discovered that the shop had changed ownership and was now called Kelly’s Dry Cleaners. He asked the new owner, Sean, if he was keeping to the previous price list. Sean assured him that he was. Three days later, Yitzhak picked up his tallis and was given a bill for £12.
He was naturally angry and said to Sean, "I thought you said you met Moishe's prices?"
"I do," said Sean, "£4 for the prayer shawl and £8 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"
Two Japanese businessmen are taking their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House.
The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you."
Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.
"Your wife is dishonouring you and she’s doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Hirokosan goes home and confronts his wife. "I’m told that you’re dishonouring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
She replied, "That’s a lie. Where did you hear such mishegoss?"
(#843) True prayers?
One night, Nathan overhears his son Benny saying his prayers. "God bless mummy and daddy and grandma. Goodbye, grandpa."
Nathan thinks this a bit strange. The next day, the grandfather dies.
About a month or two later, Nathan hears Benny saying his prayers. Once again, "God bless mummy. God bless daddy. Goodbye, grandma."
The next day the grandmother dies. Nathan gets more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, Nathan once again overhears Benny’s prayers. "God bless mummy. Goodbye, daddy."
This nearly gives Nathan a heart attack. He doesn't say anything, but gets up early next morning to go to work to avoid the traffic. He stays out all through lunch and dinner and finally, after midnight, leaves his office. He's still alive!
When he gets home, he apologizes to his wife, Sarah. "I’m sorry, darling. I had a very bad day at the office."
"You think you had a bad day?" Sarah says, "The postman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning."
(#844) My present
As little Rivkah climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
Rivkah stared at him, open mouthed and horrified, then gasped, "Didn't you get my email?"
(#845) Out of tune
Moshe and Sadie were getting all snuggled up in bed one night and passions were heating up nicely. Suddenly, Sadie stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
Moshe says, "What?"
Sadie says, "You’re obviously not in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
Moshe quickly realizes that nothing is going to happen that night.
The next day, Moshe takes Sadie to John Lewis department store. He escorts her into Ladies Fashions and makes her try on three expensive outfits. He then tells her, "Why don’t we take all three of them?"
He then makes her choose matching shoes for each outfit at £200 a pair. Then they go into Jewellery and he helps her choose some diamond earrings. Sadie is so excited. She thinks Moshe has flipped out, but she doesn’t care. So she also chooses a lovely alligator bag.
Moshe says, "but you don't even like alligators! OK, if you like it, then let's get it."
Sadie is jumping up and down with excitement. She can’t believe what is going on. She says, "I’m ready, Moshe, lets go and pay for all this stuff."
But Moshe says," No, darling, we're not going to buy all this stuff."
Sadie’s face drops.
"No darling, I just want you to hold all of this for a while."
Sadie’s face gets red and she is about to explode but then Moshe says, "You’re obviously not in tune with my financial needs as a man".
(#846) His ashes
Melvyn goes to his girlfriend’s house for the first time. Sharon shows him into the living room and then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a colourful little vase on the mantelpiece and picks it up. As he's looking at it, Sharon walks back in.
Melvyn says, "What's this?"
Sharon says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
Sharon then says, "Yes, he's too lazy to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
(#847) What charge?
It was Christmas and Judge Levy was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"But that's not an offence," said Judge Levy.
"It is if you do it before the shop opens," said the defendant.
(#848) Money, money
Maurice and Sadie were having a heated discussion on family finances. Finally Maurice exploded, "If it weren't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Sadie replied, "Darling, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
(#849) Business is business
One morning, the teacher asks her class, “All those who want to go to heaven, please put up your hand.”
Everyone raises their hand except Benjamin, so the teacher asks, “Why don’t you want to go to heaven, Benjamin?”
“Because,” he replies, “I heard my father tell my mother, ‘Business has gone to hell’ and I want to go where the business went.”
(#850) Bread problems
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I’m appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."
Jacob from Russia had just completed a training course titled, ‘Improve your English’ and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell "cultivate."
Jacob spelled it correctly.
Then the examiner asked Jacob to use the word ‘cultivate’ in a sentence.
Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, "Last vinter, on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus but it vas too cultivate so I took an underground train home."
(#852) Who are you helping?
Cyril was 80 years old and was visiting his psychiatrist. "Doctor, I’m suffering from a lot of anxiety. What's going to happen to me? I'm very worried about my future."
"Cyril," said the doctor, "don’t worry, I can help you. All you need do is come and see me twice a week for the next 3 months. My charges will be £100 a visit and you’ll need to pay in advance, of course."
"Okay doctor," said Cyril, "now that your future is assured, what about mine?"
(#853) The helpful waiter
Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak came to visit her in London. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them to an old-fashioned Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
"I'll have the kreplach," Rachel told the waiter.
"The kreplach is from last night," explained the waiter. "Better you should order something made fresh today. How about stuffed peppers?"
"OK, let it be stuffed peppers."
The waiter turns to Aunt Leah.
"Bring please the pot roast."
"Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly for goyim. If you want something special, try the flanken."
"All right then, so bring the flanken."
Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully then said to the waiter, "I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?"
"Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions?"
(#854) The call-up
Rabbi Bloom ran a Talmud class at Yeshiva. He was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up from his books. Often, when he called up a student for translation and explanation, without realizing it, he chose the same student day after day. But out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
Hymie had already been called up on three consecutive days when the Rabbi once again said "Hymie Himmelfarb, come up here and translate and explain."
Hymie replied, "Himmelfarb is absent today, Rabbi."
"OK," said the Rabbi, "why don’t you come up here and translate and explain instead."
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