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This is the thirtysixth set of jokes
(#815) Tell me the truth
Benny had been wondering for some time why Sam, one of his five sons, was so different to his other children. So he plucks up courage and asks his wife, “Tell me the truth, Sarah. Who really is Sam’s father?”
Sarah replies, “You are.”
(#816) Three quickies
There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.
Moishe says to his friend, “My Sadie and
I, we are always holding hands.”
“Why do you do this?” asks his friend.
“Because if I let go, she shops.”
Issy was talking to his analyst, “I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my fathers posture, my father's opinions and my mother's contempt for my father.”
Sidney says to his friend, “We were so poor when I was young that I had to sleep in the same bed as my three brothers. We slept four-to-a-bed for many years. I didn’t know what it was like to sleep alone until I grew up and married Sadie.”
(#818) The taxi driver
Hannah is taking her young daughter Judith shopping. While Hannah is getting them a taxi, Judith notices a group of scantily dressed, overly made-up women on the street corner. As they get in the taxi, Judith asks, “Mummy, what are all those women doing over there?”
Hannah replies, “They’re waiting for their husbands to return from work, darling.”
When the taxi driver hears this, he turns to Hannah and says, “Now come on, lady, don’t lie to your daughter, why don’t you tell her the truth? Educate her, for god’s sake.”
Without asking permission, he then turns to Judith and says, “They’re hookers, that’s who they are.”
Judith then says, “Mummy, do these ladies have any children?”
Hannah replies, “Of course they do, darling, where do you think taxi drivers come from?”
(#819) Letter to a synagogue secretary
We have a proposition to make. A recent survey - ‘What makes the perfect Rabbi?’ showed that: -
(#820) The rescue attempt
Jacob is a very religious man. One day, a nearby river floods its banks and rushes into town, forcing Jacob to climb onto his garage roof. Soon, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jacob to get in.
Jacob says, "That’s very kind of you, but no thanks. God will take care of me."
So, the boat leaves.
The water rises and Jacob has to climb onto the roof of his house. Another man in a boat comes along and tells Jacob to get in.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The boat leaves.
The water rises further and soon Jacob is clinging to his chimney. Then a helicopter arrives and lowers a ladder. The helicopter pilot tells Jacob to climb up the ladder.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The pilot says, "Are you really sure?"
Jacob says, "Yes, I'm sure that God will take care of me."
Finally, the water rises too high and Jacob drowns. He goes up to Heaven and is met by God.
Jacob says to God, "You told me you would take care of me. What happened?"
God replies, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want me to do?"
(#821) The sermon
One Shabbos, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following Shabbos, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?"
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
(#822) Sir Benjy takes a holiday
Benjy had done very well in business. He was a multi-millionaire and had been knighted by the Queen for his endeavours. One day, after completing yet another very successful business deal, he decided on the spur-of-the-moment to take his wife Sadie to Israel. He asked his secretary Carol to make the arrangements.
Carol rang the Tel Aviv Dan hotel and asked to speak to the manager.
“I am happy to inform you that Sir Benjy and his wife have chosen to stay at the Dan next week. But as they are very wealthy and require total privacy, they would need to book the entire hotel for their stay. Money is not a problem. Can you set this up?”
The manager didn’t hesitate. “Yes, I can move all guests to a sister hotel.”
Carol then asked, “Is there a private beach?”
“What colour is the sand?” asked Carol.
“Silver,” came the reply.
“Well that will be a problem as Sir Benjy always insists on golden sand.”
“OK. I can get round it,” said the manager. “There’s a quarry nearby and I will arrange for golden sand to be laid on the beach.”
“And finally,” said Carol, “Sir Benjy prefers a blue sky without a cloud in it. Is the weather going to be perfect next week?”
“No problem,” said the manager, “I will get the Israeli Air Force to seed the clouds and so disperse them.”
The following week, there was Benjy and Sadie sunbathing on the wide expanse of the private beach of the Dan hotel. Benjy looked all around him and said, “Sadie, just look how beautiful everything is. We have privacy, there is not a sound coming from the hotel, the sand is beautifully clean and golden and the sky is so blue without a cloud in sight. Sadie, with all of this, who needs money?”
(#823) What an act
Lionel was a ventriloquist, and not a good one at that. In fact business was so bad that he was trying his luck as a medium. One day, a widow came into his office and said that she wanted to contact her dear departed husband and asked Lionel what he charged.
“If you only want to hear him speak,” said Lionel, “I charge £30. If you want to have a conversation with him, I charge £50. But I charge £70 if you want a conversation with him while I’m drinking a glass of water.”
(#824) The wedding present
On his wedding day, Shlomo’s father-in-law Louis came up to him and said, “I’m a wealthy man, as you know, and for your wedding present I’ve decided to make you a partner in my business. All I need to know from you now is what department you would like to start work in. What about Accounts?”
“Me, in Accounts?” said Shlomo, “why I can’t even add 2 figures together.”
“All right then, what about IT?”
“What do I know about IT?” said Shlomo, “for years I thought PC stood for police constable.”
Louis was confused. OK, what about joining the sales team?”
“Look dad, I have a much better idea. How about you buying me out?”
(#825) Investment advice
Moshe was 88 years old and went to see his financial advisor.
“So what do you think is an appropriate investment for me?” asked Moshe.
“Well,” replied the advisor, “I have found a terrific investment that will double your money in 5 years.”
“Are you meshugge,” said Moshe, “a five year investment? Why, at my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
A police officer pulls Isaac over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your driver’s license please?Hearing all of this, the officer immediately calls for back up. Soon, Isaac’s car is surrounded by police and to handle the tense situation, a police inspector approaches Isaac.
Isaac: I don't now have one. I had it confiscated for speeding.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Isaac: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Isaac: Yes - but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Isaac: Yes. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?
Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?(#827) How rich is rich?
Isaac: Sure. Here it is. [It was valid].
Inspector: Who's car is this?
Isaac: It's mine, inspector. Here's the registration papers to prove it. [Also valid].
Inspector: Could you open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Isaac: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. [Sure enough, there wasn’t].
Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Isaac: No problem. [Boot is opened - no body].
Inspector: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Isaac: Really? I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding as well.
(#828) Results count
A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, "I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Moishe Levy, taxi driver, of London."
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, "I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for forty years."
Gabriel looks at his list and says to the Rabbi, "OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Hold on a minute," says Rabbi Himmelfarb, "that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Up here, we only work by results," says Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people prayed."
(#829) Ten holiday differences explained
1. Christmas is one day. It’s the same day every year, December 25. Jews love Christmas as it’s another paid day off work. We go to the cinema, eat at a Chinese restaurant and go Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure - until that is, a Christian friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar. We all have the same calendar, provided free with the Jewish Chronicle newspaper.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most of the other Jewish holidays – ‘They attempted to kill us, we survived, so let's eat already’.
3. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
4. Christmas is a time of pressure for husbands and boyfriends because their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden because, surprisingly, no one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
5. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewellery, perfume and digital cameras. Jews get practical presents such as scarves, underwear, socks and pyjamas.
6. Christmas end up in high electricity bills. But because candles are used for Chanukah, Jews are spared such high bills. We even feel good because we aren’t adding to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful (Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful). Chanukah songs are about clay dreidels and similar. Nevertheless, we are proud that many carols were written and sung by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.
8. Homes getting ready for Christmas smell great with the sweet aromas of cookies and cakes. Everyone is in a festive mood. Homes getting ready for Chanukah smell of frying oil and potatoes and onions. Everyone as usual is talking loudly and at the same time.
9. Women have great fun baking Christmas cookies, but Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions making latkes on Chanukah - a reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Come on Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here, take the number of my psychoanalyst. He might be able to help you."
(#830) Some forms of Judaism
Cardiac Judaism “In my heart I am a Jew.”
Gastronomic Judaism “We eat Jewish foods.”
Chequebook Judaism “I give to Jewish causes.”
Drop-off Judaism “I drop the kids off at Sunday Hebrew classes.”
Twice a year Judaism “I attend services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.”
(#831) Have I got someone for you
A shadchen (matchmaker) goes over to a yeshiva buchur (student) and says, "Do I have a girl for you."
"Not interested," replies the buchur.
"She's very beautiful," says the shadchen.
"Really?" says the buchur.
"Yes, and she's rich too."
"And she has great yiches (ancestry). She’s from a very fine family."
"Sounds great," says the buchur, "but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
"Well, you can't have everything," replies the shadchen.
(#832) Gambling Rabbi
A Rabbi, a minister and a priest, played cards every Wednesday for small stakes, but their problem was that they lived in a ‘no gambling allowed’ town. One day, the sheriff raided their game and took them before the judge.
After hearing the sheriff's story, the judge asked the priest, "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me," and then replied aloud, "No, your honour, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge then asked the minister.
The minister replied, "No, your honour, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked, "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
(#833) The accident
Eighty-four year old Morris is hit by a car and lies bleeding on the pavement. A policeman arrives on the scene and seeing the state Morris is in, immediately calls for a priest and an ambulance. The priest arrives first. He bends over Morris and asks, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Morris lifts his head, opens his eyes wide, turns to the crowd that had gathered around him, and says, "Here I am, laying here dying and this schmendrick is asking me riddles!"
(#834) The hearing test
Sam was convinced that his wife Betty was getting deaf. She refused to go to an audiologist, so he asked his doctor what could be done.
"Why don’t you test Betty without her knowledge. Start at the door of the room. Tell Betty something in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn't respond, keep moving nearer, still using a normal tone of voice. That should tell you just how deaf Betty is."
"Thank you doctor."
Soon after, Sam saw his chance. He noticed Betty doing the dishes.
He said, "I love you darling."
He moved a few steps into the room and repeated, "I love you darling."
Still no response.
He moved closer, until he could almost touch her and said, "I love you darling."
With this, Betty turned around and said, "For the third time, I love you too."
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