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This is the thirtyfifth set of jokes
(#795) Yet another check-up
[My thanks to Diane Minkoff for the following joke]
Hyman recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Hyman was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Hyman replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Hyman replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Hyman replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or mess with women?"
"No," said Hyman, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Hyman and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
(#796) The baby on the bus
(This was voted top UK joke in 2002)
Miriam gets on a bus with her baby. As she goes to pay her fare, the bus driver says to her, “I’ve seen a lot of babies in my time but that’s the ugliest one I’ve ever seen in my life.”
Miriam is shocked and very angry at this insensitive remark. She sits down and starts to cry. The man next to her asks her what’s the matter.
Miriam replies, “The bus driver just insulted me.”
The man replies, “I wouldn’t let him get away with it. You go give him a piece of your mind. Go on – I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
(#797) The hunters
(This was voted the world’s funniest joke in 2002)
Shlomo and Moshe are out hunting in the woods of New Jersey when Moshe suddenly collapses. Shlomo rushes over to him but he doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are all glazed. Shlomo is in a panic. He takes out his phone, calls emergency services and shouts, “Help, please help me. My friend Moshe is dead! What on earth should I do?”
The operator tells Shlomo, “Sir, please calm down. I can help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
After a short silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Shlomo gets back on the phone, “OK, now what?”
(#798) Lasting impression
Moshe was one of those men who had very few girlfriends. When, on rare occasions, he was invited to parties, not only did people forget his name but also they did not take what he said seriously. Even when he tried to be funny, nobody laughed at his jokes! So naturally he was very depressed. When his counsellor suggested he should do something positive to impress his friends and neighbours, Moshe decided to rent a camel.
He put on his khaki shorts and pith helmet and got on the camel. He then rode up and down Edgware looking very proud. Everywhere he and the camel went, there was a buzz of surprise. Passers by stared, pointed, shouted and talked about him. Moshe repeated this activity every day for a week. But then someone stole his camel and Moshe had to go to the police to report the theft.
“I have come to report the theft of a camel,” said Moshe.
“A camel?” said the sergeant, “OK, let me have some details. How tall was it?”
“Maybe 6 or 7 feet tall,” replied Moshe.
“What colour was it?”
“Was it male or female?” asked the sergeant.
“Male,” replied Moshe.
“Are you sure?” asked the sergeant.
“Definitely,” replied Moshe, “every time I rode it, I could hear passers by yelling, ‘look at that shmuck on the camel.’”
(#799) Use of words
Avrahom was reading an article out loud to his wife. “Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?”
Sadie replies, “The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.”
Avrahom turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
(#800) The hearing aid
Abe was talking to his neighbour. "I’ve just bought a new hearing aid, Issy. It was very expensive at £2,000 but it's state of the art and worth every penny."
"Really," says Issy, "What kind is it?"
(#801) The shake-up
‘The Kosher Leather Company Ltd’ felt it was time for a shake-up and advertises for a new Managing Director. Morris gets the job.
Morris is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On his first tour of the factory, he sees a young man leaning against a wall. The area is full of production workers and he thinks this is a good time to let them all know he means business.
Morris walks up to the man and asks, "How much money do you make a week then?"
The young man looks at Morris and replies, "I make £240 a week. Why do you want to know?"
Morris then hands the man £240 in twenty pound notes and shouts, "Here's a week's pay. Get out of here and don't let me see you here again."
Feeling pretty good about his first dismissal, Morris looks around and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that idiot did here?"
With a smile on his face, one of the workers replied, "He’s a pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
(#802) Wife problems
Bernard goes to see his Rabbi. "Something terrible is happening to me, Rabbi. I must talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "So what's wrong, Bernard?"
Bernard replies, "I’m sure that my wife Sarah is poisoning me."
The Rabbi is surprised by this and says to Bernard, "I'm sure you can’t be right."
But Bernard pleads, "I'm telling you, Rabbi, I'm certain Sarah’s poisoning me and I don’t know what to do."
The Rabbi shrugs his shoulders and says, "OK, if I can talk to Sarah, I might be able to find out what’s happening. I can then let you know what I’ve discovered."
Bernard says, "Thank you Rabbi. What would I have done without you?"
A week later, the Rabbi calls Bernard and says, "Well, I contacted Sarah – in fact I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. Do you want my advice now?"
Bernard replies, "Yes, please, Rabbi."
"I think you should take the poison!"
(#803) The Jewish dog
Hymie walks into his synagogue with a dog. The shammas immediately comes up to him and says, "This is a House of Worship, Hymie, you know you can't bring a dog in here."
"What do you mean I can’t?" says Hymie, "Look at him, he’s a Jewish dog."
The shammas then notices that the dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Hyme then says to the dog, "Benjamin, daven for me."
The dog stands on his back legs and says, "Woof woof, woof," then opens the tallis bag, takes out a kippa and puts it on his head, exactly in between its ears.
"Woof, woof," says the dog who then pulls out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof, woof, woof," says the dog who then takes out a siddur and starts to pray, rocking from side to side.
"That's brilliant," says the shammas, "totally incredible. You must get him on TV and the movies and you could make millions.”
"You speak to him then," says Hymie, "he wants to be a doctor."
(#804) Hebrew Class
Little Benjy was in his Hebrew class and was learning all about how God created everything, including humans. He was especially intent when his teacher got to the bit about how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later that day, Benjy’s mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said to him, "Benjy, darling, what’s the matter with you?"
Benjy replied, "I have a pain in my side, mummy. I think I'm going to have a wife."
NB ‘Kvell’ (verb) to gush with pride – ‘I kvelled over my son's accomplishments.’
Sadie is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when she bumps into Becky, an old friend of hers. Becky is looking after her two grandchildren whilst their mother does some shopping on her own.
Sadie says, "Oh Becky, what beautiful children, how old are they?"
"Well," Becky kvelled, "the lawyer is 6 months and the doctor is 2 years."
(#806) The synagogue course
Edgware Road synagogue wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management. Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Rabbi.
“What time does the course start, Rabbi?”
The Rabbi replied, “Oh... fivish, sixish....”
(#807) The decorator
One day, as soon as she woke up, Hannah decided that she was sick and tired of all her husband Arnold’s blonde jokes and how he thought that all blondes were stupid. To show Arnold how wrong he was and to prove to him that blondes really were smart, Hannah decided to decorate two rooms while he was at work.
When Arnold returned home that evening, he immediately smelled the distinctive aroma of wet paint. He went into the dining room and there he found Hannah lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing her fur coat on top of her ski jacket.
He went over to her and asked, “Are you OK, darling?”
She replied, “Yes, of course I am.”
“So what on earth are you doing dressed like that?” he said.
“Darling,” she said, “I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting some rooms in our house.”
“But why are you wearing your fur coat over your ski jacket?” he asked.
“I was reading the directions on the paint can, “she replied, “and it said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
(#808) Quickies -1
A Barmitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on
A. She has a headache with the postman.
Q: What business is a yenta in?
Divorced? Instead of getting married again, why not find a woman you don't like and just give her a house.
My wife must be a sex object because every time I ask for sex, she objects.
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal in women. Foremost amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 500S convertible.
(#809) Quickies - 2
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
(#810) A fair result
"Mr Issy Levy," says the divorce court judge, "I have reviewed this case very carefully indeed, and as a result of the facts, I've decided to award your wife Rifka £350 a week."
"That's very fair of you, your honour," says Issy, "and every now and then, I'll try to send her some money too."
(#811) I’m better now
Benjamin was talking to his friend Isaac. “Do you know, Isaac, that I married my Hetty for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately! Ever since we got married, she has tried to change me. She got me to exercise daily, improve my diet, and to stop smoking. She taught me how to dress well and enjoy the fine arts. She introduced me to gourmet cooking, classical music and she taught me how to invest in the stock market. But between you and me, Isaac, I am now thinking of divorcing her. I'm already such a better person that she just isn't good enough for me any more.
(#812) Conversation on a train
Sadie sits down next to an attractive man on the train and says, "You look just like my fourth husband".
The man replies, "Your fourth husband? So how many times have you been married, lady?"
"Three," replies Sadie.
(#813) The mobile phone
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
"Hello," says Sidney.
"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?"
"Yes," replies Sidney.
"Well I'm at the shopping centre," she says, "and I’ve found a beautiful leather coat. It's £450. Can I buy it?"
"OK, " says Sidney, "go ahead and buy it if you like it that much."
"Thanks," she replies. "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked."
"How much was it?" asks Sidney.
"£37,000," she replied.
"For that price," says Sidney, "I want it with all the options."
"Great," she says. "Just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking £750,000 for it now."
Sidney says, "Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don’t offer more than £720,000."
"OK," she says, "I'll see you later. I love you."
"Bye, I love you too." says Sidney and then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment.
Then Sidney shouts out aloud, "Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?"
(#814) Visit to the doctor
Sadie is in a bad way and goes to see her doctor. “Doctor Myers, what’s wrong with me? Just look at the state of my face. When I woke up this morning, I glanced in the mirror and nearly fainted at what I saw. My hair has gone grey and wiry and is starting to fall out, my lovely skin has become pasty looking and horribly wrinkled and both my eyes are bloodshot and bulging from their sockets. I look like someone who has just died. What on earth is wrong with me?”
Doctor Myers gives Sadie a quick examination, looks her in the eyes and says to her, “Well, I can say one thing I’ve discovered, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”
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