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This is the thirtyfourth set of jokes
End of Marks & Spencer?
[This is a true story, honest!]
You’ve heard the joke about the Jewish mothers who want to be buried at Brent Cross Shopping Centre – so they can be sure that their daughters will regularly visit them. Well, these mothers had better start thinking again about where they want to be buried because scientists have now discovered a drug to combat the Jewish vice of shopaholicism. The drug is called Citalopram and trialists who took it found that their shopping impulses were reduced by at least 50% - whether they were shopping in malls or via the internet or via TV shopping channels. The drug is normally used to treat depression.
END OF NEWS FLASH
(#775) I understood!
[My thanks to BMS for the following joke]
Old Yitzhak is standing in a Moscow street looking through the window of a huge grocery shop. He mutters, "So they have no more beef... And no more lamb... And they don’t even have any pork... or chicken... or sausage. In fact they have no meat at all. Nor do they have any milk or cheese or eggs or flour or …..."
Suddenly, a man standing next to Yitzhak hisses in his ear, "Shut up, you stupid Yid. Stop spreading anti-Soviet propaganda or I'll hit your stupid head with the butt of my gun. Have you understood me?"
"Yes, I understood, I understood you, comrade," replies Yitzhak and he walks away as fast as he can.
When Yitzhak arrives back at his house, he says to his wife, "Leah, I really understood. They don't have any bullets either!"
(#776) Dying wish
[My thanks to BMS for the following joke]
Old Chaim is dying. His entire mishpocha is sitting around his bed, subdued and not knowing what else they can do.
They ask him, “Chaim, maybe we can fulfil your last wish?”
“Yes... I'd like ... a cup of tea ... with two teaspoons ... of sugar.”
“Why?” they ask him.
“I’ve had a long life... and all of that time... when I drank tea in my own house... I used one spoon of sugar... When I had tea... in someone else's house... I put three spoons of sugar in my cup... But really... really... all my life... I loved tea... with two spoonfuls of sugar.”
[My thanks to BMS for the following joke]
Shlomo is standing in his house near an open window. He is obviously wearing nothing but a tie around his neck.
Jacob is walking past the house, sees Shlomo and asks, “Why are you standing there all naked?”
“Why can't I be naked?” replies Shlomo, “this is mine house. There is no one else here.”
“But why are you wearing a tie?” asks Jacob.
“Well,” replies Shlomo, “what if someone drops in to visit me?”
(#778) Business is business
[My thanks to Uriah Y for the following joke]
Moshe was fed up with the life in Mokum (Amsterdam's Jewish name) so he decided to resettle in a new place. He moved to northern Brabant (an area without Jews and the heart of the Roman Catholic part of Holland). He started a small bazaar and sold everything and at an extremely low price. As he wanted to become one of the hevre, he went to the local church every Sunday just to hear the sermons but without getting geshmad/converted.
The local shop owners soon got fed up with Moshe and decided to ask the priest for his assistance. The priest listened to their story and asked them to return the next day.
When they returned, the priest told them of his solution. They were then asked to contribute 100 guilders to the roof building fund of the church.
Next Sunday, Moshe as usual was sitting in the front of the church near the pulpit to listen to the sermon. Suddenly in the middle of the sermon the priest looked straight at Moshe and said, “I want all Jews to leave this church.”
Moshe wasn’t sure he heard it correctly so he stayed seated. The priest repeated, “I want all Jews to leave this church.”
Moshe stood up, went over to the cross, took Jesus off and said, “Let's go. We’re not wanted here!”
(#779) Alternative Jewish Jokes
[My thanks to Deborah E for the following joke]
All we ever hear are "Jewish" jokes and sometimes they grow tiresome. So here are some Gentile jokes.
1. Sean goes into a men’s clothes shop
and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's £900."
Sean says, "OK, I'll take it."
2. Patrick meets Jed on the street. Patrick
says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
Jed replies, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
3. Mary meets Jane on the street and they
start talking about their children.
Mary says (with pride), "My son is a construction worker!"
Jane then says (with more pride), "My son is a truck driver!"
4. Thomas calls his mother and says, "Mum,
I know you're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important
has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
5. Ewan and his wife go to a nice restaurant.
Ewan says to the waiter, "I'll have the steak and a baked potato and my
wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. And we'll both have
The waiter says, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
Ewan replies, "I'd like the steak medium. The salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."
6. Nigel calls his elderly mother and asks,
" Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
7. Jemima and Dorothy, two old friends,
meet for the first time in many years. Dorothy asks, "How is your son getting
Jemima replies, "He's fine. He just turned 35."
"And where does he live?" asks Dorothy.
"He lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married."
Dorothy says, "How nice."
(#780) The new gorilla
[My thanks to Roberto H for the following joke]
Daniel is a Jewish actor who’s so down and out that he's ready to accept any acting part that comes along. One day he sees an advert in the Jewish Chronicle, ACTOR NEEDED TO PLAY A GORILLA.
I could do that," says Daniel and he arranges an interview.
The employer turns out to be the local zoo who have spent so much renovating the grounds and improving the habitat that they can’t afford the gorilla they need. Until they can get more funding, they’ve decided to use an actor in a gorilla suit. Needing the money, Daniel takes the job.
At first, he feels not only dishonest by fooling the customers but also undignified in the ape suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention and starts to put on a show for the spectators - hanging upside-down from the branches, swinging on vines, climbing up cage walls and roaring whilst beating his chest. Soon, Daniel is drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Daniel is swinging on a vine to show off to some children, his hand slips and he goes flying over the wall into the lion's den. Terrified, Daniel backs up as far as he can from the approaching lion, covers his eyes with his paws and starts to pray aloud, "Shma Yisrael Ado-nai Elokeinu Ado-nai Echad." (Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one).
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed." (Blessed is the name of His glorious kingship forever and ever).
"Shut up you two schmucks," mutters a panda from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired."
(#781) The brave Rabbi
One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.
A passer by saw this and said, “That was very brave of you. Are you a vet?”
Rabbi Bloom replied, “Of course I’m a vet? I’m a freezing cold as vell.”
(#782) The painless invention
The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.
(#783) Follow me
Arnold and Abe are walking their dogs past the synagogue one Saturday morning.
Arnold says, "Lets go in. I hear they have really nice chopped liver at the kiddish on Shabbat."
Abe says, "they will never let us in with the dogs."
"Just follow my lead," says Arnold and goes into the synagogue.
As he thought, the shammas tells him, "No dogs are allowed."
Arnold says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "Sorry, I didn’t know. Ok, you can go in."
Again the shammas says, "no dogs are allowed."
Abe says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "This is your seeing eye dog? A chihuahua!"
Abe looks startled and says, "is that what they gave me?"
(#784) The thoughtful son
Sidney passes by a pet shop in Oxford Street and notices a parrot in the window selling for £1,000. He goes inside and asks why it costs so much. The salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages.
"Five languages!" exclaims Sidney. "Does it speak Yiddish?"
"Sure it does," says the salesman.
As his mother lives by herself in Golders Green, Sidney decides to send her the parrot as a present - it'll keep her company. So he pays the £1,000 and arranges for the shop to deliver the parrot to his mother.
The next day he phones his mother. "Mum, Did you like the parrot I bought you?"
"Mmm, it was delicious!" she says.
"What do you mean delicious?"
"I made soup out of it, it came out great!"
"But mum, the parrot wasn’t for eating. It spoke five languages including Yiddish."
"So why didn't it say anything?"
(#785) The old man and the priest
Abe, an elderly gentleman, was sitting on a bench in Brent Cross Shopping Centre when a priest sat down next to him. Because he had never had a chance to talk to a priest before, Abe asked, "Excuse me, but vhy do you hev your shoyt collar on beckvurds?"
The priest replied, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
Abe said, "I am also a fadder but I vare mine collar frontvays. So nu, vhy do you vare your collar differently?"
The priest replied, "Because I’m the Father for many."
"I am also the fadder for many," said Abe. "I have five sons, three daughters and many grandchildren, kinahora, but I still vare my collar like normal. So vhy do you vare it yore vay?"
The priest was getting a bit fed up with this questioning and replied, "Because I am the Father for over two hundred people."
Abe was taken aback and was silent for a while. Then, as he got up to leave, Abe said to the priest, "Mister, maybe you should vare your pents beckvurds instead."
(#786) The threesome
A priest, a minister, and a Rabbi are playing a round of golf but are having to play very slowly because there is a foursome ahead of them. At long last they complete their round and each of them tramps back to the clubhouse to complain to the golf pro.
The pro tells the priest, "They're blind - that’s why they were slow."
The priest replies, "That's very inspiring. I'm so impressed that I’m going to collect some money for them by organizing a blind golfer's tournament."
The pro then tells the minister, "They're blind - that’s why they were slow."
The minister replies, "That's so uplifting that I'm going to use them as my theme for next Sunday's sermon."
The pro then tells the Rabbi, "They're blind - that’s why they were slow."
The Rabbi replies, "If that’s so, then why can't they play in the dark?"
(#787) The clairvoyant
Rifka is 80 years old. She is sitting at home one evening when the phone rings.
"Hello," says Rifka.
"Hello," says a man’s voice at the other end. "I bet you'd really love it if I came round to your house, took off your blouse, ripped off your bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made mad, passionate love to you."
Rifka replies, "From one 'hello' you can tell all this?"
(#788) A new diet
Issy is on another of his weight reduction diets and goes to see his doctor with a hamishe cucumber up his nose, a bagel shoved in his right ear and a wine glass sticking out of his left ear.
Issy says, "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well."
The doctor replied, "It’s no wonder - you're not eating right."
(#789) The missing kippah
Abe asked his eldest son to say the motzi (blessing over bread). His son realized that he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother to put a hand on his head until he finished the blessing. But after a few minutes, the younger son grew impatient and took off his hand.
Abe said, "What are you doing? Put your hand back on your brother's head."
The younger son replied, "Am I my brother's kippah?"
(#790) The tailor
Isaac was out shopping in Golders Green when he sees a sign in a window saying, ‘JACOB’S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING’. He’s not sure whether to go in – it looks an expensive shop. But Jacob, the owner, sees him hesitating and quickly invites him in.
"What are you looking for?"
"Good," said Jacob, "you’ve come to the right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image. Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut," said Isaac, "I need the suit for a Barmitzvah."
"…You’ll have it."
(#791) The business
Maurice is a successful owner of a kosher meat-processing factory. His dream is that Louis, his only son, who is a bit dim-witted, will eventually take over the business.
One day Maurice shows Louis around the slaughterhouse. "Look son," says Maurice, proudly pointing to one of the many pieces of advanced machinery on show, "You see that machine? You put one whole ox into the front end and out the back come some little weenies. Great piece of British ingenuity, isn’t it?"
He then looks to Louis for some kind of positive reaction but Louis just stares and says, "Uh, duh. . . do you have a machine where you put in a weenie and out comes an ox?"
Surprised, Maurice replies, "There is a machine like that - your mother."
(#792) Locked out
As we have all done at some time, Moishe locks himself out of his car on a hot summer day. But he manages to find a wire coat hanger in a nearby dustbin and goes back to his car to try to open the lock. As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.
"Moishe, move it more to the right...now more to the left…Higher! Lower!"
Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?"
Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"
(#793) Hell no
Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”
(#794) Two by two
Jacob says to his doctor, "Doctor, my wife needs an appendix operation."
His doctor says, "But I took out your wife’s appendix only a year ago. I’ve never heard of a second appendix?"
Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have you ever heard of a second wife?"
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