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This is the thirtythird set of jokes
(#755) The birthday present
[My thanks to Sylvia Suchall for the following joke]
Hyman is a very rich and successful businessman. As it is coming up to his wife Rivka’s birthday, he decides to buy her a really special birthday present. So he tells his chauffeur to take him to the best art shops in New Bond Street in London. He soon finds what he’s looking for - a beautiful Rembrandt painting and he buys it without a moment’s hesitation.
As soon as Hyman gets back home, he opens his front door and shouts, “Rivka, Rivka, have I got a Rembrandt for you!”
To which Rivka replies, “Efsha it will make a skirt.”
(#756) The handyman
[My thanks to Kenneth Griffiths for the following joke]
Lionel is out of work and, would you believe, goes to a nearby building site to see what jobs are going.
He goes up to the foreman and says, “Do you have any vacancies?”
The foreman replies, “What do you do?”
“I’m a handyman,” says Lionel.
“Can you do bricklaying?”
“Can you do plumbing?”
“Can you do carpentry?”
“So why are you calling yourself a handyman, then?” says the foreman.
“Because,” replies Lionel, “I live round the corner.”
(#757) The tailor
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following joke]
Old Avrahom was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to an upmarket French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Avrahom would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen. But one day, Avrahom was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Avrahom refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."
The judge turns to Avrahom and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Avrahom didn’t say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Avrahom replied, "I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
(#758) Religious conference
[My thanks to Luke Petschauer for the following joke]
At a conference on religion a priest, a minister and a rabbi were all asked the same question, "What would you like people to say about you after you die?"
The priest said, "I hope that people will say that I was able to rise above the scandals that are plaguing the Catholic Church at this time. I hope that people would say that I was able to shepherd my flock through this crisis and help them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit have for all of them as Catholics."
The minister then said, "When I die I hope that people will say that I saved many souls by bringing them to Christ. I hope that I will be remembered as a caring, thoughtful man who always spread the Word, the love of Christ and a faith everlasting in God. I hope that my preaching and converting will be carried on in my memory and to the glory of Christ."
Finally, the rabbi was asked, "Rabbi, what do you hope people will say about you after you have died?"
Without pausing, the rabbi answered, "Look. He's breathing."
(#759) Death of a dog
[My thanks to Jeffrey Stonefor the following joke]
Benny’s dog has died and he goes to see his rabbi. "Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my dog's grave?"
The rabbi replies, "I'm afraid it isn't possible, Benny. In fact the rules don't really make any allowance for animals."
Benny says, "But I'm really upset, rabbi."
"So maybe you should go to see the Reform rabbi over the road," says the rabbi.
As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns to the rabbi and says, "What a shame. I was willing to donate £1,000 for such a service."
At which point the rabbi shouts, "Come back, come back."
Benny turns round and says, "I thought you couldn't help me."
"Ah," says the rabbi, "but you didn't tell me your dog was Orthodox."
(#760) Quickies – Jewish husbands
Q: How many Jewish husbands does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know - it's never happened.
Q: What do you instantly know when you
see a well-dressed Jewish husband?
A: His wife is good at choosing his clothes.
Husband: "I don't know why you bother to
wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it."
Wife: "So, you wear pants don't you?"
Husband: "What have you been doing with
the housekeeping money I give you?"
Wife: "So, turn sideways and look in the mirror!"
Q: Why is it so difficult to find men who
are sensitive, caring and handsome?
A: They already have boyfriends.
(#761) Staying in
Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.
“What’s the matter, darling?” he asked her.
“I just don’t know what to do,” said Miriam. “Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner – but the dog has just eaten it.”
“Don’t worry,” said Howard, “I’ll get us another dog.”
(#762) The easy way out
Lionel and Judith had just returned home from a party.
Judith said, “Do you realise what you did tonight, Lionel?”
“No I don’t,” Lionel replied, “but I'll admit I was wrong. What did I do?”
(#763) The kind man
Benjamin returned home early from an overseas business trip and quietly let himself into his house. He crept upstairs – and found his wife in bed with a strange man. The stranger was sprawled naked on top of the sheets and was looking very pleased with himself.
"Rifka, how could you do this to me?" Benjamin shouted.
"Wait, darling," said Rifka. "You know that soft blue leather jacket I’ve been wearing recently? Well this is the kind man who gave it to me. And that pearl and diamond gold necklace you always like me wearing? Well this is the generous man who gave it to me. And do you remember when you couldn't afford to buy me my own car and I came home with an Audi? Well this is the caring man who gave it to me."
Benjamin thought about this for a few moments, looked again at the scene before him and then said, "For goodness sake, Rifka, don’t you know it's freezing in here. Cover him up at once. We don’t want him to catch a cold."
(#764) The late, late call
Maurice and his wife Sadie were asleep one night when suddenly, at 2am in the morning, the phone rang. Sadie picked it up.
She listened to the caller then said, "How the hell should I know. It’s 95 miles away." She then hung up.
Maurice asked, "Who was that?"
Sadie replied. "Some mad woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."
(#765) Lost soul
Lionel was wandering around Marks & Spencer one day looking quite worried. Then he notices a beautiful lady doing her shopping. As she was on her own, he goes up to her and says, "Excuse me, but I could do with your help. I've lost my wife Sadie here in the shop. Could you please talk nicely to me for a few minutes?"
"Why would that help you?" she asks him.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, Sadie appears out of nowhere."
(#766) From you know who
Moshe goes into his local post office to buy some stamps. As he walks up to the counter, he sees a middle-aged man methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He was also placing ‘I Love You’ heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When he had finished, the man took out a bottle of French perfume and sprayed all the envelopes with it.
Moshe had to find out why, so he goes up to the man and asks.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 100 scented Valentine cards, each one signed, 'From you know who'."
"Why so many?" Moshe asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer and business is not so good."
(#767) The sleepers
Daniel and Naomi, who had never before met, are travelling on the same overnight sleeper train from London to Edinburgh. The train was packed and they end up in the same sleeping carriage. Daniel has the top bunk and Naomi has the bottom bunk. After some initial embarrassment, they both get to sleep.
At 1am in the morning, Daniel leans over and says to Naomi, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I'm really very cold. Could you please pass me another blanket?"
Naomi looks up at him and says, sexily, "I've got a much better idea – why don’t we pretend we're married."
"Why not?" says Daniel, "that’s a marvellous idea."
"Good," Naomi replies. "Go get your own blanket, then."
(#768) The recordings
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn’t want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.
Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."
(#769) The pick up
One afternoon, Maurice, a wealthy solicitor, was driving his Rolls Royce when he passed two poor looking men by the side of the road eating grass. Maurice quickly stopped his car, backed up to the men, wound down his window and asked, "What on earth are you two doing?"
"I’m starving, I have nowhere to live and I don't have any money to buy food," said one of them.
"You can come with me to my house, then," said Maurice.
"But I’ve got a wife and three kids just up the road."
"So we’ll bring them along, too," replied Maurice.
"And what about my friend?"
Maurice turned to the other man and said, "You can come with us, too."
"But, sir," said the friend, "I’ve got a wife and six children just up the road."
"OK. So we’ll bring them as well," said Maurice. "Now get in my car, both of you."
Soon, everyone had been picked up.
They had been travelling for only a few minutes when one of the men said to Maurice, "You’re very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Maurice replied, "I’m happy to be able to do it. And you'll love my place - the grass is almost a foot tall."
(#770) The bargain
Max was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.
One day his partner Benjy said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to £10 each, we still can’t sell any.”
Max replied, “Use your head, Benjy. Price them at £20 and send all our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for £80 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the £80.”
“What a terrific idea,” said Benjy. “I’ll send them out today.”
Two week’s later, Benjy says to Max, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of our clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”
(#771) Business is business
Hetty and Hannah hadn’t seen each other for some time when they bumped into each other in Brent Cross shopping centre.
"So Hetty, how is your grandson, the proctologist, doing?"
"My grandson is no longer a proctologist, Hannah. He decided to become a dentist instead."
"A dentist! Why the change in career?"
"Business is business, Hannah," replied Hetty, "Let's face it, everyone starts off with thirty-two teeth but have you ever heard of anybody who has more than one tuchas?"
(#772) The conversation
The following was overheard at a recent ‘high society’ party.
"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.
She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"
"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."
(#773) The lesson
Rifka, a young mother, was teaching her 6-year-old daughter Ruth how to unbuckle her seat belt.
Ruth asked, "Do I click the red square, mummy?"
Rifka said, "Yes, darling."
Ruth then asked, "Single click or double click?"
(#774) The trip to Rome
Moshe and Abe were partners in a very successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and there wasn’t much they didn’t know about the shmatta business. One day, Moshe decided to take a trip to Rome.
As Abe had many catholic friends, he surprised Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Pope.
On Moshe’s first day back at work after his Rome trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Pope?"
Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44 regular."
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