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This is the thirtysecond set of jokes
(#735) The special banquet
[My thanks to Neil Loomer for the following joke]
A very distinguished orthodox rabbi dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he’s greeted by an angel.
The angel says, “You’ll be pleased to hear that in honour of your arrival, a special banquet has been prepared. You will be served only the finest meats, fish and pastries.”
“Who prepared the banquet?” the rabbi asks.
“Why, none other than Moshe Rabeinu,” answers the angel.
”And who is the mashgiach?” the rabbi asks.
“Why God himself,” replies the angel.
“Thank you very much,” says the Rabbi, “but I’ll just have the fruit plate, if you don’t mind.”
(#736) The surprise visit
Melvyn was a very likeable person and his quick wittedness had served him well in business – he was now a financial director in the City. One day his wife Rebecca was shopping close by his office and decided to pay him a surprise visit. But when she got there and opened his door, she was shocked to find him sitting at his desk with his secretary in his lap. Melvyn looked up at her and without hesitating dictated: -
”And in conclusion, gentlemen, whether we have budget cuts or not, there is absolutely no way I can continue to run my office effectively with just one desk and chair.”
(#737) Isn’t marriage wonderful?
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Morris was talking to his friend Sydney. “Do you know,” he said, “some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep.”
Q: Why are single Jewish women skinnier
than married Jewish women?
A: Single women go to the fridge, see nothing nice and then go to bed. Married women go to bed, see nothing nice and then go to the fridge.
Definition of a perfect wife: Someone who helps her husband with the dishes.
(#738) You must try once
Sam had just picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing a nappy.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."
The next time soon came around so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, "I didn't mean the next nappy, I meant the next baby."
(#739) Isaac & Sarah – part 1
Isaac gets home late after attending his friend’s leaving party in the City. As soon as he walks in, there is his wife, Sarah, waiting for him.
Sarah looks at Isaac and says angrily, "Can you explain to me, Isaac, how this large red lipstick mark got onto your shirt collar?"
"No, I can't," Isaac replies. "I don’t know how it happened - I distinctly remember taking off my shirt."
(#740) Isaac & Sarah – part 2
The next morning, they are still arguing. Just before leaving for work, on his way out of the door, Isaac shouts at Sarah, "You’re not even good in bed."
When Isaac returns home after work that day, he looks for Sarah. He goes upstairs and notices that the bedroom door is closed. He goes in and there is Sarah in bed with his best friend.
"What the hell are you doing?" he shouts at her.
"Getting a second opinion," replies Sarah.
(#741) I want to get married
Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married"
His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."
Paul says, "But I've found a girl."
"Who?" said his father.
"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."
"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine."
(#742) The anniversary wish
Sadie and Benny were both 65 years old and were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. When all the family and guests had left their house, a fairy appeared from nowhere and said to them, “Congratulations, you two. I’m here to grant you both one wish each.”
Sadie said, “I want to travel around the world.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and POW – Sadie had tickets in her hand for a round the world cruise on a Cunard liner.
Then the fairy asked Benny what he wanted.
Benny replied. “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and POW – Benny was 95 years old.
(#743) This is what Sadie really means
She says (But she means)
We need (I want)
It's your decision (The correct decision should be obvious by now)
Do what you want (You'll pay for this later)
We need to talk (I need to complain)
Sure... go ahead (I don't want you to)
You're certainly attentive tonight (Is sex all you ever think about?)
You're ... so manly (You need a shave and you sweat a lot)
I'm not upset (Of course I'm upset, you moron!)
I'm not emotional or overreacting (I'm on my period)
Be romantic, turn out the lights (I have flabby thighs)
This kitchen is so inconvenient (I want new curtains, carpets, and furniture)
Hang the picture there (No, I mean hang it there)
I heard a noise (I noticed you were almost asleep)
Do you love me? (I'm going to ask for something expensive)
How much do you love me? (I did something today you're not going to like)
I'll be ready in a minute (Kick off your shoes and turn on the TV)
Is my toches fat? (Tell me I'm beautiful)
You must learn to communicate (Just agree with me)
I'm sorry (You'll be sorry)
Do you like this recipe? (It's easy to make so you'd better get used to it)
Was that the baby? (Get out of bed and rock him to sleep)
I'm not yelling! (Yes I’m yelling because I think this is important)
(#744) Dear Moshe
My dear Moshe,
I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off our engagement. Won't you please, please forgive me? Not being able to hug you any more is breaking my heart. I admit that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really love you.
All my undying love
PS Mazeltov on winning the top lottery prize this week.
(#745) How To Be a Good Wife
This is the text from a 50year old home economics textbook. Really!
"Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will let him know that you've been thinking of him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.(#746) The tenth baby
Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don’t forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.
Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.
Don't greet him with problems and don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit."
(#747) The marriage secret
Jacob and Rifka had been married for 65 years. When they were asked whether, in all those years, they had ever thought of divorce, they replied, "Heavens no, murder yes, but divorce never."
(#748) What’s that?
Bernard went to his synagogue a few hours before Yom Kippur to check that his tallit was alright. Whilst there, he saw the caretaker spraying the inside of the synagogue with an air freshener.
As he liked the smell, Bernard asked, “That’s got a really nice smell. May I ask what it is?”
Keeping a straight face, the caretaker replied, “Air of Yom Kippur, of course!”
(#749) The new theatre
Issy was part of a group being shown around the latest theatre in Tel Aviv by the owner. The theatre was enormous – the size of at least 2 soccer pitches. But Issy couldn’t help noticing that it had only four rows of seats right at the front.
So Issy asked the owner, “Why are there only 4 rows of seats? You could of got thousand of seats in this space.”
The owner replied, “The Jews here only want to sit in the front four rows. If they can’t, they don’t book to see the shows.”
(#750) The request
Jacob was listening to ‘Kosher FM’ on his radio when he heard the announcer say, “We now have a request for a favourite record from a Mr Weinberg… (pause) .. goodness! ….who is 111 and off work this week.”
Then, almost immediately, Jacob heard the announcer make this correction, “Sorry, listeners, I got it wrong. The next request is from Mr Weinberg who is ILL and off work this week.”
Hette was talking to her friend Sadie.
“My son Moishe,” said Hette proudly, “has first class degrees in psychology, economics and politics.”
“You must be proud of him,” said Sadie.
“Yes I am,” replied Hette. “He can’t get a job but at least he knows why.”
(#752) The wedding present
Abe was well known for his meanness and his ‘eye for a bargain’. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a gift shop in Golders Green. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for £1. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece’s name and address and gave the owner a further £10 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and posted. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail.
A few days later, he rang his niece to see if the present had arrived.
“Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered.”
“What terrible luck.” said Abe, “The Royal mail is getting worse all the time.”
“It’s a shame,” she replied. “It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately.”
(#753) The artist - 1
When Abe returned home from work, his wife Ruth said, “So how was your day?”
He replied, “I met an artist and I’ve never met someone so talented. He said he painted a picture of a cobweb on his wall and it looked so real, the maid tried for over an hour to get it off.
Ruth said, “I don’t believe him.”
“Why not?” said Abe, “some artists are very good indeed.”
“Maybe,” said Ruth, “But maids aren’t.”
(#754) The artist - 2
Becky was very rich. One day she telephoned a famous young artist and said she wanted to commission him to paint her. He said his fee would be £5,000, which she immediately accepted. When she arrived at his studio for the first sitting, she gave him a cheque for £7,000. The artist was very surprised and asked what the extra money was for.
“I want you to paint me in the nude,” she said, “Do you have any objections?”
“Not for £7,000 I don’t. But I would have to keep my socks on. I must have somewhere to put my brushes.”
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