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This is the thirtyfirst set of jokes
(#715) It’s too high
[My thanks to Diane Minkoff for the following joke]
Moishe is 75 years old and goes for a medical. After the examination, his doctor says to him, "You're in remarkable shape for a man of your age."
"I know it," said Moishe, "but I've got a problem. My sex drive is too high. Have you got anything you can give me for it?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?" he gasped.
"My sex drive," repeated Moishe, "is too high and I'd like you to lower it."
"Lower it?" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what his 75 year old patient was saying. "Just what do you consider high?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, doctor," replies Moishe, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
(#716) Starting all over again
[My thanks to Stanley Cohen for the following joke]
Yitzhak and Melvyn live in a retirement home. One day, as they are sitting on a bench under a tree, Yitzhak turns to Melvyn and says, "Melvyn, I'm 85 years old and I'm full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
Melvyn replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yes," replies Melvyn, "no hair, no teeth and I think I just wet myself."
(#717) The train ride
[My thanks to Sylvia Suchall for the following joke]
Issy had never been on a train in his life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vusht under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other. He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to fress. Suddenly, a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment. It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.”
Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”
(#718) The Lubavitch rowing team
[My thanks to Malcolm Goodman for the following joke]
The Lubavitch challenged Oxford University to a rowing contest but discovered that Oxford were twice as fast as they were. So the Lubavitch cox sent a spy across to Oxford to find out why and how. A few hours later the spy returns.
“Nuh,” says the Lubavitch cox, “tell all.”
“Well.” says the spy, “they do everything the other way round to us.”
“Explain,” says the cox.
“It's simple,” says the spy, “they've got eight men rowing and one man shouting!”
(#719) Dying wishes
[My thanks to Michael Berglin for the following joke]
Rivkah is on her death bed and the Rabbi was there with her.
“Rivkah,“ says the Rabbi, “do you have any last wishes?”
“Yes,” replied Rivkah, “I want to be cremated.”
“What!” says the Rabbi, “you know that is forbidden. But, I suppose...”
“Next, says Rivkah, “I want my ashes spread out on the roof of Brent Cross Shopping Centre.”
“Rivkah,” says the Rabbi, “I must protest - why would you want to do that?”
“Well,” says Rivkah, “that way my daughters would come and visit me once a week.”
(#720) You know you grew up Jewish when......
(#722) Letter to my son
My dear darling Moshe and that-person-you-married-against-my-wishes,
Happy New Year and well over the fast to you. Please don’t worry about me – I’m well, considering I am having trouble breathing and eating. All I want is for you to have a nice holiday thousands of miles away from your mother.
Please find attached to this letter my last £20. I am just hoping that you will spend it on my grandchildren, poor babies - God knows their mother never seems to buy them anything nice. Maybe you’ll buy some food, as they look so thin in the photos you sent me.
Thank you Moshe for the flowers you sent me on my birthday. To save you money, I have put them in the freezer in the hope that they will last until my funeral. And please don’t think of sending me any more money. I realise you will need it yourself for your next who-knows-where-in-the-world expensive holiday.
I lost my walking stick last week beating off muggers, but don’t worry - when I finish writing this letter, I shall crawl back to bed. I am even beginning to get used to the cold since the landlord turned off the heating. The frost helps to numb the constant pain.
Please give my love to my darling grandchildren and give my regards to ‘her’.
Love from your devoted mother.
(#723) The shnorrer
A shnorrer knocked on the door of a house in Golders Green.
“What do you want?” said the owner.
“Can you spare some money to help a poor person?” said the beggar.
But as soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, “Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week.”
“Well, my son can afford to,” said the owner, “he has a very rich father.”
(#724) A really old joke
There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in Egypt.
So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah, this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first class momzer.”
“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say such things. We are all one family. Don’t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh.”
“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”
(#725) The secret
Sadie had worked as an accounts clerk for the Prague candlesticks company for nearly 30 years when she died. Everyone remembered how she would arrive at her desk every morning at exactly 8.30 am. She would put on her glasses, unlock her desk, and peer closely into the centre drawer. Then she would re-lock her desk and get on with her work. She did this every working day and no one, not even the senior accountant, knew what was in her centre drawer. Now she was dead, her work colleagues could find out her secret.
So they unlocked her desk and opened the centre drawer. Inside they found a small piece of paper with these words written on it, “THE SIDE TOWARDS THE DOOR IS THE DEBIT SIDE.”
(#726) The request
One day, Moishe goes up to his boss and says, rather timidly, “Mr Gold, is it OK if I take tomorrow off? It’s my golden wedding anniversary.”
“What a chutzpah you have,” replied Mr Gold, “Is this what I have to put up with from you every 50 years?”
(#727) The reporter and the old man
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
(#728) He had a hat (alternative version)
Sadie walked into a print lab to have a photo of her deceased husband Moshe copied and retouched.
She said to the technician, "I have always hated the hat that my husband Moshe is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out?"
"Of course," said the technician, "what colour hair did your husband have?"
"When you take the hat off, you'll see," she said.
(#729) Let the boss go first
A junior manager, a senior manager and Moshe their boss, are on their way to a meeting. On their journey through a park, they come across an oil lamp sticking out of the ground under a bush. They pick it up, rub it, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you very much. I normally grant three wishes but as there are three of you, I can only allow one wish each."
Without waiting for the others, the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat with loads of money and have no worries for the rest of my life."
POW and he was gone.
The junior manager couldn’t keep quiet and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls all around me, and plenty of good food and champagne."
KERPOW and he was gone too.
Moshe the boss then calmly said, "Here’s my wish. I want those two idiots back in my office immediately after lunch."
Son: “How much does it cost to get married, Dad?”
Father: “I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.”
Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in
ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.”
Father: “That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.”
Q: How can you tell that Maurice is losing
interest in his wife Hette?
A: Because Maurice’s favourite sexual position is next door.
(#731) The frog
Shlomo, 75 years old, was taking a walk when he saw a frog in the gutter. He was shocked when the frog began to speak to him.
The frog said, "Old man, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, I'll be yours forever and we can make mad passionate love every night."
Shlomo bent down and put the frog into his pocket and continued walking.
The frog said, "Hey, I don't think you heard me. I said if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and we can make passionate love every night."
Shlomo took the frog out of his pocket and said, "I heard you, but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
(#732) Conversation on a bus.
Hette and her baby get on a bus at Golders Green. The bus driver takes one look and says to her, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
Hette is extremely angry. She sits down and says to the man next to her, “I don’t believe it - the bus driver just insulted me.”
The man replies, “You mustn’t let him get away with it. You should tell him off. Go ahead and do it now - I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
(#733) What’s wrong with me?
Esther makes an emergency appointment to see her doctor.
“Doctor,” says Esther, “just look at the mess I’m in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?”
The doctor looks at her and calmly says, “Well, for a start, there’s certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight…”
(#734) Insulting stuff?
Bernie and Abe are having a drink together in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe’s recent promotion. They had been drinking for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts, “I slept with your mother, Abe.”
There was a hush as everyone listens.
Bernie again shouts at Abe, “I slept with your mother, Abe.”
Abe replies, “I know. Why don’t you go home now, Dad, you’re drunk.”
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