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This is the thirtieth set of jokes
(#695) Sadness at the cemetery
[My thanks to Hilary of Melbourne, Australia for the following joke]
Isaac was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rifka dies. At the cemetery, Isaac's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads: -
"Here lies Rifka, wife of Isaac Levy, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."
Isaac was standing in front of Rifka's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.
His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rifka's headstone."
Through his tears, Isaac sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."
(#696) It’s quiet upstairs
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following joke]
Sadie, as she did every Sunday afternoon, went with her young son Moshe to visit her best friend Rifka and her young daughter Hannah. When
they arrive, both mothers send their children upstairs so they can talk about their neighbours. The children are first given a stern warning they are not to fight. After about an hour, everything is too quiet upstairs so Sadie hollers out, “Children, you’re not fighting up there are you?”
Moshe’s voice comes back, “No mum, were not fighting, we’re schtooping.”
Sadie replies, “That’s good children, don't fight.”
(#697) The juice bar
[My thanks to Michael Berglin of Minnesota for the following joke]
Issy and his wife were taking a car trip and Issy notices that he is getting low on petrol. Up ahead was a combination fast food outlet and petrol station. So he pulls in. As he is thirsty, Issy walks up to the juice bar.
The young kid who is wiping down the counter looks up and says, “Juice?”
Issy replies, “So what if we are, don't we get no petrol?”
(#698) The helping hand
[My thanks to Malcolm Goodman for the following joke]
Maurice came home from the Reform synagogue one Saturday with a black eye.
“Maurice, what ever happened?” asked his wife Becky.
“Well,” said Maurice, “it was like this. During the service, we had to stand several times and on one occasion I noticed that Mrs Levy, who was sitting in front of me, had her dress stuck in the crease of her bottom, so I leaned forward and pulled it out. But Mrs Levy didn’t like this at all - she turned around and hit me full in the face with her prayer book.”
The following week, Maurice comes back from synagogue with the other eye blackened.
“And what happened this time, Maurice?” asked Becky.
“Well,” says Maurice, “it was like this. Once again Mrs Levy had her dress trapped, but this time my friend Issy saw it. He leaned over and carefully pulled out the dress. But I know that Mrs Levy doesn't like this - so I tucked it back in again!”
(#699) The Christmas present
Father Christmas was working at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he noticed a young lady, about twenty years old and wearing a large gold Magen Dovid pendent around her neck, walking towards him. He was surprised, therefore, when she sat on his lap. Now Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but as she gave him such a nice smile, he couldn’t refuse.
He said to her, "What’s your name?"
"Hannah," came the reply.
"And what does a nice Jewish woman like you want for Christmas, Hannah?"
"Actually, I want something for my mother, please," said Hannah.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"
Without blinking, Hannah replied, "A son-in-law."
(#700) Nothing left
When Sadie’s husband dies, she has only £25,000 to her name. After all the expenses are paid, she tells her closest friend Ruth that she has no money left.
Ruth says, "How can that be, Sadie? You told me you had £25,000 just a few days before Maurice died. How can you now be broke?"
Sadie replies, "Well to tell you the truth, Maurice and I were not paid up members of any synagogue. So the funeral cost me £5,000, the hospital bill came to £3,000 and of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the synagogue, another £3,000. All the rest went on the memorial stone."
Ruth does some silent calculating and then says, "£14,000 for the memorial stone? My God, Sadie, how big was it, what was it made of?"
Extending her left hand, Sadie replies, "Three and a half carats."
(#701) The funeral ceremony
Moishe meets Arnold at their social club and asks how Abe’s funeral went the other day.
"It went OK, Moishe," replied Arnold, "but at the end of the Rabbi’s eulogy, I had to try and stop myself from laughing aloud."
"Why was that?" asks Moishe.
"Well," says Arnold, "throughout his marriage to Miriam, she was always telling me what a mean man he was. He never had a steady job and the money he brought home to her wasn't enough for food and clothing, let alone holidays. Yet he drank heavily and often stayed out all night gambling. Altogether, a good husband he was not. But at the funeral, the Rabbi spoke of how wonderful the deceased was - so considerate, so beloved, so thoughtful to others. Then, when the Rabbi had finished, I heard Miriam say to one of her children, "Do me a favour, David, go see whether it’s your father in the coffin."
(#702) Home truth
Shlomo was talking to his friend Moishe, who had just moved to a house near him in Hampstead Garden Suburb.
"Why don’t you join our local synagogue, Moishe?" asked Shlomo.
"Why should I?" replied Moishe?"
"So that your children will realise they're Jewish," said Shlomo.
"But they already realise they're Jewish," said Moishe. "They have heartburn."
(#703) Good choice
Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.
"Shame on you boys," said Sadie. "If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, ‘let my brother have the first pancake’."
Nicky looked at Simon and said, "OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today."
Q: What is worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won’t do as she is told.
Bernie says to his wife Sarah, “Let’s go
out tonight, darling and have some fun.”
Sarah replies, “OK, but if you get home before I do, please leave the light in the hall on.”
Q: What’s the best way to always remember
your wife’s birthday?
A: Forget it just the once.
If God had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor. (Joan Rivers)
(#705) The steal
As soon as Issy got home from work one evening, his wife Becky came up to him and said, "Issy, our au pair has stolen two of our towels."
"Oh, really," said Issy, not looking very interested, "that wasn't a nice thing to do."
"You're damn right it wasn't," said Becky, "they were the best towels we had, the two we got from the Hilton Eilat while we were on holiday last Passover."
(#706) The cure?
Moishe goes to see his doctor and says, "You must help me, doctor. Sadie isn't interested in sex anymore. Do you have something I can give her?"
"I’m not really allowed to prescribe..." the doctor starts, but is interrupted.
"Doctor, can we talk off the record please? In all the years we've known each other, have you ever seen me like this? I’m desperate. I can't concentrate, my business is failing and I’m going to pieces. I beg of you – please help me."
The doctor takes a bottle of pills from his cabinet and says, "I really shouldn’t do this. These pills are still experimental and the results so far indicate that they're very powerful. So please don't give Sadie any more than one at a time. I suggest you put it in her coffee. Do you understand, Moishe?
"Yes. Thanks doctor."
Later that evening, after dinner, when Sadie goes into the kitchen to fetch the dessert, Moishe drops one pill into Sadie’s coffee, hesitates, and then drops in a second pill. But Moishe couldn’t forget the doctor saying they were powerful. What should he do? In a flash of inspiration, he also drops a pill into his coffee.
Sadie returns with the lochshen pudding, which they both enjoy with their coffee. Five minutes after they finish, Sadie takes a deep breath, sighs and starts to shake. A strange look comes over her and in a sexy tone of voice she says, "Oy vay, Moishe, do I need a man right now."
Moishe’s hands are now trembling as he replies, "Me too."
(#707) The interview
Yossi was the manager of an up-market menswear store in New Bond Street and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role. Yossi looks at Abe’s CV and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.
So Yossi says, "What a chutzpah, if you don’t mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."
"Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must realise that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."
(#708) A visit to the doctor
Benny is nearly 80 years old and goes to his doctor for his yearly medical checkup. His wife Becky comes along with him.
As soon as they enter the doctor’s office, the doctor says to Benny, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."
Benny’s hearing was not as good as it used to be, so he looks at Becky and shouts, "What did the doctor say he wanted?"
Becky shouts back, "He wants your underwear."
(#709) Holiday booking
Shlomo and Moshe were talking one day about holidays. Shlomo says, "I think I am just about ready to book my winter holidays again, but I’m going to do it differently this time. In the past, I have always taken your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Eilat. I went to Eilat and my wife Ruth got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to Bermuda and Ruth got pregnant again. Last year you suggested the Canary Isles and as you know, Ruth got pregnant yet again."
Moishe asks, "So what are you going to do different this year, Shlomo?"
"This year," replies Shlomo, "I'm taking Ruth with me."
(#710) Seder song number 1 – There’s
no Seder like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")
There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell.
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzah
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!
(#711) Seder song number 2 - Elijah
(sung to the tune of "Maria")
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
He came to our seder
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Next year we'll be waiting.
(#712) Seder song number 3 - Just a
Tad of Haroset
(sung to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")
Just a tad of haroset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of Charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.
Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharaoh
They sweat and toiled and laboured through the day.
So when we gather Pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
While the Maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although Maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!
(#713) Seder song number 4 – These are
a few of our Passover Things
(sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favourite things")
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.
When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.
(#714) Modern Haggadah selections
We were slaves to our employers, working seven days a week with no benefits, and then the unions were organized, and decreed a five-day working week and many days holiday during the year. Now if the unions had not gotten their act together, then we, and our sons, and even our grandsons, would still have to receive lowly wages. But our daughters and granddaughters still await their salvation.
Even on Shabbat, one can easily reach 12
different kinds of gefilte fish:
Rabbi Yosi HaGlili said, “How can we show that four different fishes can make twelve different dishes? Because we ate four different fishes in Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and whitefish-pike,) but we are now able to buy them three different ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat in jars, frozen in loaves, or ground raw at the fish store. Now, it follows that if there were four different species, then there are 12 different gefilte fishes.”
Rabbi Eliezer said, “How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually eight dishes? Because they can be made with or without salt, with or without sugar, and with or without matzo meal, and there are eight combinations of those three options. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared eight ways, then there are a total of 96 dishes!”
Rabbi Akiva said, “How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually sixteen dishes? Because each of Rabbi Eliezer's eight recipes can be made either cooked or baked. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared sixteen ways, then there are a total of 192 dishes!”
There are four types of children who ask
questions on Pesach: the wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the
one who does not know to ask.
What does the wise one ask? I don't know. I couldn't understand him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this holiday to you?" Because he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him from your table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and a half for working on Pesach.
What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You will say to him, "This is dinner."
As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him up and say, "Next year, remember to come to the table!"
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