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This is the twentyninth set of jokes
(#675) The drawing session
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder for the following joke]
Moshe is having a session with his psychiatrist. Doctor Cohen draws a picture of a triangle and asks Moshe what it looks like to him.
Moshe shows some excitement and says, "It looks like a man & woman in bed."
"Hmmm," says Doctor Cohen, stroking his beard. He then draws another picture, this time of a square, and again asks Moshe what it looks like to him.
Moshe gets more excited and says again, "It looks like a man & woman in bed."
Again Doctor Cohen says "Hmmm", strokes his beard and then draws another picture, this one a circle. He asks Moshe what this looks like to him.
Moshe is agitated and replies, "It looks like a man & woman having intercourse."
Doctor Cohen says, "Young man, I think you have too much sex on your mind."
Moshe replies, "That’s unfair – it’s you who's drawing the dirty pictures."
(#676) The Aliyah
[My thanks to Hilary for the following joke]
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the synagogue and says, "I want to give you Aliyah. What’s your name?"
The man answers, "Rifka bat Jacov."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."
The man says, "I told you, it’s Rifka bat Jacov."
The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your name?"
The man replies, "I've recently been in some serious financial difficulties and so everything is now in my wife's name."
(#677) Preparing for the wedding
[My thanks to Peter Scolding for the following joke]
Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah, age 89, to marry him and she has accepted. Mazeltov! They are both very excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding arrangements. On their walk they pass a large chemist and decide to go in. Maurice asks to see the owner.
When a young man comes up to them, Maurice asks, "Are you the owner?"
"Yes I am," says the man, "how can I help?"
"We're about to get married," says Maurice. "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," replies the owner.
"How about medicine for improving circulation?" asks Maurice.
"We stock all kinds, sir."
"What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?" asks Sarah.
"Yes, no problem, madam."
Maurice then asks, sheepishly, "Do you stock that Viagra, then?"
"Of course, sir."
Sarah then asks, "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's, medicine for memory problems, arthritis and jaundice?"
"Yes, we stock a large variety of all of these. The works, madam."
Maurice then asks, "Do you sell wheelchairs and Zimmer frames?"
"Our speciality. We have many sizes and all speeds."
Maurice finally says to the owner, "OK. We'd like to set up our wedding gifts list here, please."
(#678) Length matters
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following joke]
Abe is an old Jewish guy who sells cloth. He lives next door to Smith, the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day Smith calls on Abe and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange cloth. Its length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning Smith is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row of lorries lined up one after the other dumping loads and loads of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon his garden is 5 ft deep in orange cloth. Abe then presents Smith with a bill for £15,000
Smith starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I needed a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"
With a straight face, Abe replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you. That's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 5% discount; but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision."
(#679) Bad food
Moishe, an elderly man, was listening to a dietician addressing a large audience in London.
"Did you know," said the dietician, "that the stuff we regularly put into our stomachs is harmful enough to eventually kill most of us here today? Well it’s true. Red meat is terrible for us, soft drinks erode our stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with Monosodium Glutamate and even vegetables can be disastrous to some of us. And most of us don’t realise the long-term harm being caused by additions to our drinking water. But bad as these are, one thing is worse than all of these put together and we have all eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
Moishe stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
(#680) The birthday present
Shlomo was driving home one evening when he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. So he drove to Brent Cross Shopping Centre and ran all the way to the toyshop.
"How much is the latest Barbie doll?" he asked the manager.
The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for £17.99, 'Barbie goes to the Dance' for £16.99, 'Barbie goes to the Shops' for £15.99, 'Barbie goes to the Seaside' for £18.99, and 'Barbie goes to the Barmitzvah' for £19.99. We also have 'Divorced Barbie' for £350.00".
Shlomo is confused and asked the manager, "Why does ‘Divorced Barbie’ cost £350 when all the others are less than £20?"
"It’s simple," replied the manager, "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
(#681) Some quotes you might not be aware of
(#683) Good advice
When Jewish children were asked what advice they would give to other children, here are some of the answers they gave.
(#685) Moishe Magic
Moshe Magic (a Jewish magician, would you believe?) was playing to a packed London variety theatre. When he came to the point in his act where he needed someone to help him, he called up the biggest, strongest-looking man he could find in the audience.
When the helper came up on stage, Moshe Magic handed him a rubber mallet and said, "When I put my head on this wooden block, hit me as hard as you can. And don’t worry about hurting me - it won't effect me at all. It’s my act."
The man said, "Okay, if you say so."
So Moshe Magic put his head on the block and said, "OK, you can hit me now."
Ten years later, Moshe Magic woke up in a hospital bed from a coma and yelled, "Ta-Da!"
(#686) Helping the needy
Hette had just got back home after a trip to Brent Cross shopping center when she was shocked to find her husband Bernie lying in their bed with a beautiful young woman at his side.
Hette was speechless and ran from the room crying. Bernie went after her and caught her just as she was opening the front door to escape.
Bernie said, "Before you leave me, Hette, please let me explain. I was driving home this afternoon when I saw this woman sitting on a wall at the bottom of our road. Her clothes were in tatters and she looked so tired and sad that I just had to stop and ask whether she needed any help."
"She told me she was hungry so I brought her back home and gave her the piece of last night’s roast chicken you said you didn’t want. Her shoes were so worn out that I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear any more. She was so cold that I gave her that sweater you said was no longer in fashion that you were going to give to the charity shop. Her skirt was also worn out so I gave her a new skirt from your wardrobe – one that you said didn’t fit you anymore."
"Then just as she was about to leave the house, she asked me, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"
(#687) Should I marry?
Moshe was talking to his friend Issy. “Issy, I’m nearly 40 years old. Do you think I should marry?”
“By all means get married,” replied Issy. “If you get a good a wife, you'll be happy. If you don't, you’ll become a philosopher -- and that’s a good thing for any man.”
(#688) The Rolls Aviv
Rabbi Levy handed in his notice, left his synagogue and opened up a Jewish bookshop. He worked very hard for several years and then decided to buy a new car. He put on a dark suit and white shirt, which looked impressive with his long beard, and went to see John, the local car dealer.
As soon as John saw him, he said, "Have I got a car for you, Rabbi!"
Levy looked at John and said, "What do you mean?"
"I mean a Rolls Aviv," said John, "a British built car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands for the religious driver. Come over here and let me show you. You won’t believe your eyes. It’s unique."
John opened the door of the Rolls Aviv and Levy got in.
"Notice that it has no accelerator or brake pedal," said John.
"So how do you stop and start it?" said Levy.
"Ah, that's the wonder of the Israeli computerized technology. It has a digital VMA-box that converts words into instructions the car understands. All you have to do is to speak the right words and the car will know what to do."
"I don't believe it," said Levy.
"It’s true. To begin driving the car, just say, "baruch ha’shem (thank God)."
And as John spoke those words, the car began to move.
Levy was frightened. "How do you stop it?"
"That's easy. Just say, 'shema yisroel', and the car will stop," said John and as he spoke these words, the car braked to a halt.
"So there it is. Say 'baruch ha’shem' to start and 'shema yisroel' to stop."
Levy was so impressed, he bought the car right away. He got in, said the words, 'baruch ha’shem' and soon the Rolls Aviv was heading out towards the M1 motorway. Unfortunately, Levy failed to see a sign that said,
"Warning – unfinished bridge ahead. Take next turning left."
so the car continued to move at speed towards the bridge.
"Oy Vay! I’m going to crash. How do I stop it?"
Panicking, he couldn’t remember what John told him. His mind was a blank and the car was quickly approaching the end of the unfinished bridge.
"This is the end of me," Levy thought and preparing for death, he started reciting the shema. Suddenly, the Rolls Aviv screeched to a halt with half of the car tilting over the bridge. Levy removed his trembling hand from his forehead, saw how close he had come to disaster and exclaimed with conviction, 'baruch ha’shem'".
(#689) The lottery winner
Moshe just couldn’t believe it - he had won a top prize in the lottery. He just had to tell his best friend.
Maurice congratulated Moshe and asked how he had picked his six numbers.
“I chose my age and the ages of my wife and 3 children,” replied Moshe.
“But that’s only 5 numbers,” said Maurice. ”What about the sixth number?”
“Well, it was a miracle,” replied Moshe. “Six sevens appeared to me in a dream and danced before my very eyes. Six times seven is 49 and so I chose 49.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Maurice, “six times seven is 42 not 49.”
“Huh? . . . All right, so you be the mathematical genius.”
(#690) The separation
Shlomo and Hette had been living apart for a number of weeks and decided to visit their Rabbi to see whether he could help solve their problems and save their marriage. Following some lengthy counselling with the Rabbi they made a brief attempt to reconcile their differences, but in the end they failed. They quickly decided to end their union.
In court to finalize their separation, the judge asks Shlomo, "So tell me, what has brought you to the point where you are unable to keep your marriage going?"
Shlomo replies, "In the seven weeks we've been back together, your honour, we just haven't been able to agree on one little thing."
Hette interrupts, "He means eight weeks, your honour!"
(#691) The difficult question
One day, Benjy comes home from school, goes straight to his father and asks, "What is fornication, Dad?"
And he gets the answer all Jewish fathers give - "Why don’t you ask your mother, son?"
So Benjy goes into the kitchen and asks his mother, "What is fornication, Mum? Dad said you would know."
His mother replies, "I’m busy right now, Benjy, why don’t you go and ask your Bubbe, she will tell you."
So Benjy goes upstairs to his Bubbe’s room, knocks on her door and shouts, "Please, Bubbe, what is fornication? No one here seems to know."
Bubbe says, "Come inside tatallah,"
She then takes him to her wardrobe, opens the door, takes out a beautiful full length pink beaded evening dress and says, "This, tatellah, is foranoccasion."
(#692) What do they do?
Jewish Women: They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream, sing when they want to cry, cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They wait by the phone for a "I got home safely" call after a friend drives home in a storm. They are childcare workers, executives, lawyers, and stay-at-home mums. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. They want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a Jewish woman is what makes the world spin! They do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Jewish Men: They are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.
(#693) The two Rabbis
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy always greeted each other at shul by saying, "Good Shabbos" to each other. One shabbos, Rabbi Bloom, the younger of the two, asked Rabbi Levy, "What by you is a good shabbos?"
Rabbi Levy replied, "By me, a good shabbos is when I wake up, have a good
breakfast, go to shul, the bar mitzvah boy does a good job, my sermon
goes down well, we have a kiddush, I have a whisky, go home to lunch,
have a little sleep, a little studying, and then say Havdalah. That to me is a good
shabbos. And what is a good shabbos by you?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "By me a good shabbos is when I wake up, turn around and my wife and I make mad passionate love. Get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, snuggle a bit with my wife, walk to shul, do all the things you
mentioned in shul, and come home. My wife and I make mad passionate love, have lunch, go out for a walk hand in hand, come home, go to bed and make mad passionate love once more. Then I make Havdalah. And that by me is a good shabbos."
"That," says Rabbi Levy, "is not a good shabbos. That is a GREAT
(#694) Come up and see me sometime
Jacob had just returned to Kiev after visiting London. As soon as he got home, he wrote the following letter to a friend he had met in London just before he left.
“It was so nice to meet with you. If you are ever in Kiev, please come and visit me, I would be glad to see you again. It’s easy to find me. Go to the main street in Kiev and start walking straight from its beginning at the Station. Take the third turning on the right and continue down this road until you come to the Kiev Flats. Go through the archway and you'll find yourself in a big courtyard surrounded by apartment buildings.
Then shout out as loud as you can, "Rabbinowitz."
You'll immediately see faces looking at you from all the apartment windows in the courtyard except one! This is my window, because my name is Rosen."
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