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This is the twentyseventh set of jokes
(#635) Another visit to the doctor
(My thanks to Danny S for the following joke)
Benjy goes to see his doctor because he isn't feeling too well. After examining him, the doctor takes some samples from Benjy and asks him to come back the following week for the results.
When Benjy returns, his doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news for you, Benjy. What do you want to hear first?"
Benjy replies, "Let me have the good news first."
"OK," says the doctor, "they're going to name the disease after you."
(#636) Finally Together
Sadie is a beautiful girl. She could have been an actress but instead she decides to get married young and raise a large family. In no time at all she has ten children. Then suddenly her husband passes away - and Sadie is still only 42.
But it doesn’t take our Sadie long to find a new husband. She quickly remarries and finds happiness once more. She could have decided that ten children was enough, but instead has eight more by her new husband. He dies when Sadie is still only 64 years old.
Maybe having so many children took it out on Sadie’s poor body because only a few months later, Sadie herself passes away. At her funeral, the Rabbi looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."
Sadie’s eldest son says, "Rabbi, do you mean mum and my father, or mum and my stepfather?"
The Rabbi replies, "Neither. I mean her legs."
(#637) The special guest
Moshe spent the week looking unsuccessfully around north London for a place to live. Now it was erev shabbos and he is alone in a strange town. He finds the local shul and after services explains his predicament to the shammas. Within minutes, Jacob comes over and invites him to be his shabbos guest.
At Jacob’s house, Moshe is given towels and aromatic soap and then shown to the bathroom. After a soothing hot bath, he dries himself on the soft fluffy towel, gets dressed and joins Jacob and his wife for a delicious meal. He is then shown to his bedroom where he immediately falls asleep.
The same kindness is shown to Moshe the next day. On Sunday it’s time to leave and Moshe tells Jacob, "This was a lovely shabbos. How can I ever repay you?"
"By paying me," replies Jacob and gives Moshe an invoice for: -
1 bar of aromatic soap,
2 clean towels,
1 full shabbos dinner,
3 glasses shabbos wine,
2 nights lodging (bed & breakfast),
1 shabbos lunch, and
1 afternoon tea.
"You're charging me?" asks Moshe.
"I certainly am."
"I didn’t ask you to take me in – you invited me. It’s outrageous."
"Even so, please pay the bill."
" But this is wrong!"
"OK," sighs Jacob, "let's not argue. We’ll go to my Rabbi and let him decide."
"That’s OK with me," says Moshe.
As the Rabbi listens to their arguments, he strokes his beard and says, "Based on numerous Talmudic precedents and on my opinion of the situation, it’s my decision that Moshe should pay the bill."
Moshe couldn’t believe his ears. It made no sense at all. But a decision had been made and so, as soon as they left the Rabbi, Moshe hands Jacob the money he owes.
"What’s this for?" asks Jacob.
"It’s what I owe you."
"Don't be meshugah. Keep it. It was a pleasure to have you with us. Please come again."
Moshe is confused. "But you gave me your invoice, we argued, we went to the Rabbi, he made a decision!"
"My dear Moshe," says Jacob smiling, "I was pulling your leg. I just wanted you to see what kind of schmuck we have for a Rabbi."
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper. On it was written just one word: "SCHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his shabbos sermon, Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across people who have written to me but forgot to sign the letter. This week, however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write the letter."
(#639) A mother’s lament
“Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask for from a child, after all I've done?”
(#640) The curse
Rifka goes to see a famous Wizard and asks, "Is it possible to remove a curse I’ve been living with for the last 35 years?"
The Wizard replies, "It’s possible, but you must tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you in the first place."
Rifka says, "I now pronounce you man and wife".
(#641) The Barmitzvah
Issy wanted something extra special and memorable for his son Paul’s Barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised him a great surprise on the night.
“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry. It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about it for years to come.”
“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.
The night of Paul’s Barmitzvah party arrived. As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped liver.
From all over the hall could be heard gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.
At the end of the affair, Issy met with the caterer to settle the bill.
"This was indeed a very special night for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew? Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion."
(#642) On a tube train
Shlomo is travelling on the London underground and is sitting opposite a middle aged Jew wearing a kippah. Shlomo says, "Shalom. Do you have the time?"
The man ignores him.
"Excuse me," Shlomo asks again, "what time is it please?"
The man still doesn't answer him.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you again, but I need to know the time. Why won't you answer me?"
At last the man speaks. "Son, the next stop is Edgware, the last station on this line. I haven’t seen you before so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, it’s Jewish tradition that I must invite you to my home. As you're young and good looking and I have a beautiful daughter named Suzy, you will fall in love with her and will want to get married. So tell me, why on earth would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford his own watch?"
(#643) The perfect match?
A matchmaker corners a poor student and says, "Do I have a girl for you!"
"I’m not interested," replies the student.
"But she's a very beautiful girl," says the matchmaker.
"Really?" says the student, a bit more interested now.
"Yes. And she's also very rich."
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I am. Would I lie to you? And she has a long line of ancestry. She comes from a very noble family."
"It all sounds great to me," says the student, "but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
Replies the matchmaker, "Well, you can't have everything in life!"
It was Hetty and Benjy’s Silver Wedding anniversary.
Hetty says, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, Benjy? I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t talk for an hour."
Benjy replies, "Yes, of course I do, Hetty. How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."
(#645) Decisions, decisions
It was coming up to Morris’s 80th birthday and his family didn't know what to buy him - he was a man who really had everything. After much discussion, they decided to hire a strip-o-gram. He had a good sense of humour and they thought he would enjoy the joke.
On the morning of his birthday, the doorbell rang. Morris opened the door and there stood a beautiful redhead wearing only black gloves and thigh-length boots.
"Happy Birthday Morris," she said. "Do you know why I’m here?"
"No," said Morris.
"Well, I've come here to give you ‘super sex’," she said provocatively.
Just for a brief moment, Morris looked a bit confused, but then said, "You’ve given me a difficult decision to make - what kind of soup is it?"
(#646) A trip to the garage
Rifka was the original ‘Jewish princess’. One day, she drives her pink Renault Clio to a garage and asks one of the mechanics, "Do you charge batteries?"
He replies, "Of course we do, darling."
"Great," says Rifka. "could you change my battery please and charge it to my daddy."
(#647) The alligator shoes
Moshe had always wanted a pair of alligator shoes but had never been able to afford them. One day he sees a pair in the Selfridges Sale priced at only £39.99. He couldn’t believe it. They even had his size. So he buys them and proudly wears them to go home.
When he gets home, he stands in front of his wife and says, "Sadie, do you notice anything different about me?"
She looks him up and down and says, "Moshe, you look the same to me. You’re wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same trousers. So you tell me, what’s different?"
But Moshe won’t give up easily. He goes into the bedroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, other than his new shoes.
Once again he stands in front of Sadie and says, "Sadie, now do you notice anything different about me?"
Once again she looks him up and down, then says, "Moshe, it looks the same to me. It's hanging down just as it was hanging down yesterday. No doubt it will be still hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Moishe says, "Do you know why it’s hanging down, Sadie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking directly at my new shoes!"
Sadie replies, "Moshe, I wish you had bought a new hat!"
(#648) Two Jewish curses
1. May you sell candles for a living and then may the sun never set.
2. May you be like a chandelier, hang by day and burn by night!
(#649) The fishermen
Issy had read that fishing was a therapeutic pastime. So he buys the necessary equipment and goes to his local lake. But as it's his first time, he has no idea what bait to use. He looks around and sees 3 men casting their lines. Almost immediately, they began to catch an awful lot of fish. So Issy goes up to them.
"Excuse me," he asks the first man, "What bait are you using?"
"Well, I'm a doctor and I use tonsils," he replies. "You really can't beat them – the fish here love tonsils."
Well Issy hasn’t bought any tonsils with him, so he goes to the second fisherman.
"Excuse me," he asks, "What bait are you using?"
"I'm also a doctor and I have a great deal of success using bits of appendix."
Issy then turns to the third fisherman and can’t help but notice that he too is very successful at catching fish.
"Let me guess," Issy says to him. "You're also a doctor."
"Actually I’m not," came the reply. "I'm a mohel."
(#650) The anniversary
Shlomo asks his wife, "Where shall we go to celebrate our anniversary, darling?"
Sarah replies, "Somewhere I have never been!"
So Shlomo says, "How about the kitchen, then?"
(#651) The note
Howard had been a good Jew all his life. Now, 90 years old, he was very ill and in hospital. His family were with him. Then his Rabbi arrived.
As the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard 's condition began to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a pencil and a piece of paper, Howard used his last ounce of energy to write a short note. Then he died.
The Rabbi placed the note in his jacket pocket and said prayers.
Later, at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly remembered the note.
"I’ve just remembered," said the Rabbi to those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of comfort in it for all of us."
The Rabbi opened the note and read, "Help, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
(#652) The brothers
Benjy and Sam were mischievous brothers aged 8 and 10. They always seemed to be around when things went wrong. As their parents were unable to control them, they went to the Rabbi for help.
The Rabbi said he wanted to talk to the boys and that he would see the younger one first - alone. So they sent Benjy to see the Rabbi.
The Rabbi sat Benjy down and for the next five minutes they just sat and stared at each other across the Rabbi’s large mahogany desk. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Benjy and said, "Benjy, where is God?"
Benjy glanced around, but said nothing.
The Rabbi pointed at Benjy again and said, louder, "Where is God, Benjy?"
Again, Benjy glanced around but said nothing.
The Rabbi then leaned across the desk, put his finger on Benjy’s nose and said, "Benjy, I ask you, where is God?"
At this point, Benjy got scared, got up and ran home. He dragged Sam upstairs to his room and said, "We're in deep trouble, Sam."
Sam asked, "What do you mean we’re in deep trouble, Benjy?"
Benjy replied, "I'm telling you, Sam, we're in big trouble. God is missing and they are saying we did it."
(#653) Alphabetical order
Many years ago, during a trans-Atlantic flight, the pilot got on the intercom and said he was experiencing difficulties and that the weight of the plane would have to be reduced. He suggested the passengers throw their luggage off the plane. Everyone did.
A short time later, he got back on the intercom, "The plane is still too heavy, so some passengers will have to jump off - but we're going to do this alphabetically. Will all African-Americans, please jump off the plane."
No one stood up.
"Will all blacks, please jump off the plane."
Still no one stood up.
"Will all coloureds, please jump off the plane."
Again, no one stood up.
Then a smart, well-mannered little black boy turned to his prim and proper, well-educated, affluent mother and said, "Mama, ain't we all those things?"
And the mother answered, "No baby, we're Schvartzas today."
(#654) Tickets please
Shlomo and Issy were queuing to buy train tickets to London. Behind them were Mick and Pete. You can imagine Mick and Pete’s surprise when not only did Shlomo and Issy buy just one ticket, but also that both of them got on the train.
The train was 15 minutes into its journey when a ticket inspector came into their carriage. Mick and Pete waited for Shlomo and Issy to get caught, but before the inspector saw them, Shlomo and Issy ran into one of the toilets. When the inspector came to the occupied toilet and knocked on the door shouting, ‘ticket please’, a ticket immediately appeared under the door. The inspector clipped it and passed it back.
Mick and Pete were astounded by the trick - and mad because they had bought two tickets. They vowed to do likewise next time.
A few days later, Shlomo and Issy were in the queue to buy their ticket back home. But when they saw Mick and Pete buy just one ticket, they immediately left the queue without buying any ticket.
15 minutes into the train journey, when the ticket inspector entered their carriage, Mick and Pete ran into one of the toilets. Shlomo and Issy followed them and knocked on the toilet door. As soon as the ticket was passed underneath the door, Shlomo and Issy grabbed it and dashed into another toilet. (You can guess what then happened!).
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