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go to twentyseventh set
This is the twentysixth set of jokes
(#616) The last game
Six retired Edgware men were playing poker one evening in Abe’s house when Shlomo loses £650 on one big hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. The other five continue playing but this time standing up to show respect for their departed friend.
Later, Abe asks, "Who's going to tell his wife, Hette?"
They cut cards and Moishe loses. Before he leaves, he is advised to be discreet and kind and to try hard not to make a terrible situation any worse.
"Discreet?" says Moishe, "I'm the most discreet man there is. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me and don’t worry about a thing."
So Moishe goes over to Shlomo’s house and rings the doorbell.
Hette opens the door and asks, "Nu, so what do you want?"
Moishe replies, "Your husband just lost £650 and is afraid to come home."
On hearing this, Hette yells, "SO TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD."
"OK I'll go tell him," says Moishe.
(#617) Time will tell
Rifka goes to her son's house and rings the doorbell. When the maid lets her in, she is surprised to find her daughter-in-law Sarah lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing and the aroma of expensive perfume fills the air.
"Sarah, what are you doing?" Rifka asks.
"I'm waiting for David to come home from work," replies Sarah.
"But you're naked!" says Rifka.
"I know," says Sarah, "this is my love dress. David loves me to wear this dress. It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes virile and makes love to me for hours on end. Why don’t you try it with Benjy?"
Rifka goes home, undresses, has a bath and puts on her best perfume. Then, still naked, she dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD and lay on the settee waiting for Benjy to arrive.
Benjy comes home and sees Rifka laying there, ever so provocatively.
"What on earth are you doing, Rifka?" he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers, sensually.
"It needs ironing," he says.
(#618) Visit to the cemetery
Moshe went to Edgware cemetery to visit his friend Daniel’s grave. When he got there, he was shocked to see that Daniel’s new headstone was leaning forward by some 45 degrees and could topple over. So Moshe took some wire from his car, tied one end around the headstone and fastened the other end onto a nearby telephone pole. Then he left.
Some days later, two more of Daniel’s friends, Abe and Issy came to visit him. Abe took one look at the grave and said to Issy, “That’s just like Daniel. He’s only been here a short while and already he’s got his own phone.”
(#619) The homework
Little Moishe is busy doing his homework. As his mother walks past his room, she hears him saying, "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two. Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four. Three and three... "
So she asks him, "Darling, where did you learn that way of doing sums?"
Moishe replies, "My teacher, Miss Anderson, taught us that way, mummy."
Next day, Moishe’s mother goes into his classroom, confronts Miss Anderson and tells her about Moishe’s ‘different’ way of doing arithmetic.
Miss Anderson is shocked. At first she can’t understand why Moishe would say that she had taught it, but then suddenly it dawned on her.
"I know why," she says, "in our class, we say, one and one, the sum of which is two….."
(#620) Conversation with a taxi driver
Abe was visiting Israel for the first time. As soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel. The taxi driver was very friendly and told Abe all kinds of useful information.
Then Abe asks the driver, "Say, is Israel a healthy place?"
"Oh, yes, it really is," the driver answered, "When I first came here, I couldn't say even one simple word, I had hardly any hair on my head, I didn't have the energy to walk across a small room and I even had to be helped out of bed every day."
"That's a remarkable story, truly amazing," Abe said, "so how long have you been here in Israel?"
"I was born here."
(#621) Use of hands
Issy and Sam, both elderly gentlemen, were in deep conversation. Sam said, "So, Issy, you’re the clever one, how do those so called mobile phones work?"
Issy replied, "Well, in the left hand you take the phone, and with the right hand you push the buttons. See. Nothing magic about it is there?"
But Sam was not satisfied with this answer.
"Nu?" he says, "and how can one talk with the hands so busy?"
(#622) Change of Name
In Golders Green there is a six-star hotel called the Oy Vay Towers. It offers massage, mud baths, 24 hours a day kosher eating, wonderful almond Danish and best of all, g-o-s-s-i-p. The hotel pages its guests via high quality, clear sounding speakers sited all around the hotel. Listening to messages such as "Telephone call for Moishe Cohen from his lawyer," or "Could Sadie Levy ring her counsellor,” or even “Benny Chesnick – could you please call your parole officer," is a gossiper’s dream.
One day, everyone was surprised to hear over the speakers, "Telephone call for Shane Ferguson, telephone call for Shane Ferguson." At once, several people went to reception to get a look at who this gentile staying at their hotel could be. They were therefore surprised and very curious when an old man, obviously Jewish, came up to the desk.
Later, one of the guests asked the old man how he came to be named Shane Ferguson when he was so obviously Jewish. This is what he told them.
"When I left my home town to come to London, my name was Samuel Mincoffski. But my uncle thought it might be best if I told immigration that my name was Sam Lyons. I practiced saying my new name over and over for the entire boat trip. I asked the sailors to say it for me and I learned how to pronounce it. Time passed very quickly and soon I was standing in line at the immigration office. But while waiting, I began to worry about everything. Would I say my name properly? What if they wouldn’t believe me? Would I be able to spell it? Would they arrest me and send me back? My mind started to spin and I got so confused that when I reached the front of the queue and the officer asked me my name, I panicked and said, “schane fergessen” (I forgot already). So that's what the immigration man wrote down.”
(#623) The house warming
Morris had become a multi-millionaire during his successful working life. When he retired, he bought himself the largest and most expensive mansion in London that money could buy. Then he invited some friends to a house warming party.
The day came and he naturally took them on a tour around his enormous home.
When they came to the dining room, there was a gasp of amazement - the room was so large that they could hardly see the other end clearly. Morris proudly pointed to the exquisitely carved and polished mahogany table that ran from one end of the room all the way to the other and said, "In this room, I can entertain as many as a hundred and twenty-five people -- God forbid."
(#624) Why buy?
It was a hot day. Moshe was sitting in Brent Cross shopping centre drinking from a bottle of Evian water when his friend Benny came over and sat next to him.
Benny looked at the bottle in Moshe’s hand and asked, “Do you ever wonder why people spend almost £1 on such little bottles of water?”
“No,” replied Moshe.
“Well,” continued Benny, “Try spelling Evian backwards.”
(#625) My 13 discoveries of old age
1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and bran flakes.
3. I finally got my head together. Unfortunately, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It’s easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
10. It's not hard to meet expenses--they're everywhere.
11. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
12. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
13. I am unable to remember if I emailed this to you before.
(#626) The Male Rules
In the 7th set of jokes, #205 to be precise, you read The Jewish Rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
Q: What's the difference between a Bris
and a Get*?
A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck.
(*A "Get" is a divorce)
Grandma Anne was babysitting and was playing junior scrabble with Emma. Emma had just drawn her second letter "O" and was trying to make a word with the other letters she had. Suddenly, with a triumphant shout, Emma said, "look grandma, I’ve made a word."
Grandma Anne looked at Emma’s tiles and saw they had been lined up to spell KOOB. So she asked, "What kind of word is KOOB, Emma?"
"No grandma," said Emma, "you're not saying it right. It says BOOK."
Grandma Anne had a sinking feeling. Did Emma have dyslexia, she wondered? So she said, gently, "But, darling, you've spelled it backwards."
With a sigh reserved only for dumb adults, Emma explained, "Of course I have, grandma, I'm Jewish!"
(#629) Mistaken identity
Issy and Hetty, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Hetty’s water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Issy wanted to try and minimise the Shabbos violation, he told the controller that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Issy and Hetty were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two-way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?”
(#630) Don’t be impatient
Arnold and Isaac were residents in a nursing home. Even though they were best of friends, they were still prone to argue with each other.
One day, they are queuing up at the canteen to get their lunch. Because Arnold is taking his time, Isaac says to him, "Hey you! Hurry up already before I punch you in the teeth."
Arnold turns round, looks at Isaac and says, "OK. Go ahead. Make my day! My teeth are upstairs in the glass by my bed."
(#631) The budget
Helen and Issy were having a hard time financially and needed to keep their spending to a minimum. To keep her household account as low as she could, Helen decided not to have her dress dry-cleaned. Instead, she washed it by hand. When Issy returned from work, Helen proudly told him of her idea to save money.
She said, "Just think, Issy, we are £3 richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Great," Issy quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
(#632) Get stuck in
When the air raid siren went off in Tel Aviv, Hannah rushed down the stairs toward the basement of their apartment block. Isaac was much slower so she stopped and shouted back up the stairs, "Come on, Isaac, get moving will you?"
Isaac shouted down to her, "Wait a minute, Hannah. I’m looking for my teeth."
"Never mind your silly teeth, Isaac," Hannah shouted back, "what do you think they’ll drop on us – smoked salmon bagels?"
(#633) Telephone messages
Kitty, my mother, has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?
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