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This is the twentythird set of jokes

(#555) The bacon tree
Back in the cowboy days, the westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those Jews-they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You old fool!  You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute."
He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake."
"It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

(#556) The visitor
Ruth had just stepped out of the shower when she heard her doorbell ring.
“Who is it?” she shouted downstairs.
“It’s the blind man,” came the reply.
Ruth decided it didn’t matter if she opened the door without any clothes on because the man was blind. In fact she thought it would be a rather daring thing to do.
So she opened the door wide and he said, “It’s John Lewis Department Store, Brent Cross. Where do you want me to put these blinds?”

(#557) Quickie
Q:  Why are Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage?
A:  Because they’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

(#558) A miracle!
A group of Rabbis were having lunch in “Isaacs White House” kosher restaurant. Unfortunately, Isaac served them watermelon spiked with whisky that he had prepared for another table and he realised his mistake too late to do anything about it. All Isaac could do was wait in his kitchen and expect the worst.
As soon as the waiter came back into the kitchen with the empty plates, Isaac grabbed hold of him and asked, "What did they say, please tell me, what did they say?"
"Nothing at all, Mr Isaac," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy searching for the watermelon seeds and putting them into their pockets."

(#559) Fit for life
Morris had reached 60, so he went to see doctor Myers for a full medical check-up. When he had finished, doctor Myers said, "Relax, Morris, you’re in very good shape. I can’t find anything wrong with you. You’ll probably live till you’re 100. So how old was your father when he died?"
Morris replied, "Did I say he was dead?"
Doctor Myers then asked, "How old is your father, is he still active?"
"He’s 83 and goes jogging and Israeli dancing every week." Morris replied.
Doctor Myers was very surprised. "How old was your grandfather when he died?"
Morris again answered, "Did I say he was dead, doctor?"
Doctor Myers was astonished. "You mean to tell me that you are 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather active?"
Morris replied, "He goes swimming twice a week, and plays a full round of golf every Sunday, weather permitting. Not only that, he is 107 years old and next month he is getting married again."
Doctor Myers said, "If he’s 107 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
Morris looked Doctor Myers in the eye and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

(#560) You shouldn’t ask that
When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, "Open your case at once."
Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.
"What is that?" he shouted at Jacob.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please!"
Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. "What is that?” asked the officer.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me."
The official laughed, "I always knew you Russian immigrants were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold."

(#561) The miracle
Sadie had passed away and her funeral service was being held at Bushey cemetery. Morris, her husband for over 40 years, had tears in his eyes. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out, the trolley accidentally bumped into the doorframe and jarred the coffin. To everyone’s total shock, they heard a faint moaning coming from the coffin. They quickly opened it and found that Sadie was alive. Wonder of wonders – a miracle if ever there was one.
Sadie and Morris lived together for 10 more years and then Sadie died. The ceremony was again held at Bushey. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out on the trolley, Morris shouted out, "Watch out, don’t hit the doorframe again!"

(#562) A call to the hospital
A woman telephoned the Middlesex Hospital.
"Hello, I'd like to talk to someone who can give me some up-to-date information about one of your patients."
The operator said, "Please hold while I find someone who can help."
Soon, an authoritative voice said, "I’m the hospital manager. Are you the lady who is asking about one of our patients?"
"Yes," she replied, "I'd like to know exactly how Rifka Levy in Room 23 is doing." He replied, "Levy, now let me see…Lewis, Levine, Levy… yes, I have Mrs Levy’s details here. It says she is doing very well. She's eaten two full meals and her doctor says if she continues improving, he is going to release her on Tuesday. Is that the information you need?"
The woman said, "Yes, it’s wonderful news that she's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy."
The manager then asked, "From your excitement, you must be one of Mrs Levy’s close family."
She says, "What close family? I am Rifka Levy. My doctor won’t tell me anything.”

(#563) The mezuzah
Many years ago, when I was a young boy, I found a mezuzah on the wall of a deserted house near my street. As there was still time before I had to get home for my tea, I pulled it off the wall and opened it. Inside, I found a piece of old paper on which was written the words that I will never forget: -
"Please help me. I'm being held prisoner in a mezuzah factory."

(#564) Language barrier
One Succoth, as two African Americans are standing on Brooklyn Bridge, Moishe walks past carrying a Luluv and Estrog.
"Hey man, Jew, where you goin' with that palm tree and that lemon?" they ask.
"I'm going to shul." Moishe replied.
"What's ‘shul’?" they ask.
"Well, come with me and I'll show you." Moishe said.
So one goes with Moishe to synagogue and later returns to his friend after services.
"Dem Jews is crazy," he says. "First dey says 'oh no,' den dey says 'Ah don' know' and den dey says 'How sh'Ah know?'"

(#565) False identity
Sadie says to her husband, "Moishe, I'm fed up with frozen chickens. I don’t want any more ‘gershtinkener’ chickens. Please buy me a live chicken for a change. Then, when you bring it home, I'll get the Rabbi to ‘gerharget’ it and kosher it. Then I can make for us a lovely meal."
So Moishe goes to the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that Funny Girl is showing at the Phoenix cinema, Finchley. So he rings Sadie on his mobile.
"Sadie," he says, "They're showing Funny Girl at the Phoenix. I think I’ll see it before I come home. I missed it first time round and this is a new digitally enhanced release."
"OK," replies Sadie, "but what about the chicken?"
"I'll take it inside with me." Moishe answers. So he stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film.
Unfortunately, during the film, the chicken pokes its head out of Moishe's trousers. Two women are sitting next to Moishe and one turns to the other and whispers, "There’s a man next to me with his shmackel sticking out of his trousers."
Her friend says, "Why be shocked? If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
"But this one's different. It’s eating my Popcorn."

(#566) The three questions
Abe went to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I would be grateful if you could explain the Talmud to me."
"Very well, Abe," said the Rabbi, "First, I need to ask you a simple question."
"If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one," replied Abe.
"No, Abe. They look at each other. The dirty man thinks he is clean but the clean man thinks he is dirty and washes."
"Now another question," said the Rabbi.
"If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
Abe smiled, "You just told me that one, Rabbi. The clean man, because he thinks he is dirty."
"No, Abe." said the Rabbi. "They each look at themselves. The clean man knows he doesn't have to wash and the dirty man washes himself."
"Now one final question," said the Rabbi.
"If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
This time Abe frowned, "I don't know, Rabbi. It could be either one, depending on your point of view."
"No Abe," said the Rabbi. "If two men climb inside a chimney, how could either of them come out clean? They are obviously both dirty and so they both wash."
Abe was now thoroughly confused, "Rabbi, you asked me exactly the same question three times, yet you gave me three different answers. Are you playing games with me?"
"No, Abe, I would never joke with you. This is Talmud."

(#567) In the lift
As the doors shut and the crowded lift made its way down to the ground floor, Sadie got very angry with her Morris. She noticed that he was wedged up against a nice young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be in that position. As the lift reached the ground floor and the doors were about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Morris’s face and said aloud, "I’m not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my bottom!"
Sadie and Morris didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park. When they got in the car, Morris turned to Sadie and said, "You know darling, I really didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said Sadie smiling, "I did."

(#568) The present
Harry had some shopping to do at John Lewis department store. He walked into ladies wear, went up to the lingerie counter and quietly said to the women behind the desk, "I'd like to buy a bra as a present for my wife."
"Of course, sir, what type of bra would you like to buy?" she asked.
"What type?" replied Harry, "do you mean to say there is more than one type?"
"Of course. Let me explain," she said and began to show Harry bras in a variety of shapes, sizes, colours and materials. Harry looked bewildered.
"There’s no need to be confused,“ she said, “there are really only four types of bra."
When Harry asked her what the four types were, she replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type and the Jewish type."
Still confused, Harry asked, "What are the differences between them?"
The saleslady answered, "The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills."

(#569) The chase
Shlomo’s business had done so well that he treated himself to a brand new 5 litre Mercedes convertible. When he picked up the car from the dealers, he decided to take it out on a spin on the Motorway. Soon he was driving at 80 mph with the wind blowing through his hair. "This is brilliant," he said to himself and increased his speed a bit more. But a quick look in his rear-view mirror showed him a police car with flashing lights coming up quickly behind him.
Shlomo thought, "I can easily get away from him," and he started to accelerate away. But then he had another thought, "What the hell am I doing? This is madness," so he quickly pulled over to the side of the road and waited.
The police car pulled up behind him and a policeman got out. He walked up to Shlomo and said, "This just might be your lucky day, sir. Today is Friday the 13th and my shift ends in 3 minutes. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you off with just a warning."
Shlomo looked at the policeman and said, "Last week, my wife Sadie ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back. That’s why I was trying to get away from you."
The policeman said, "Enjoy the rest of your day sir."

(#570) It’s a steal (female version - see also #574)
The Yom Kippur service was coming to an end. In the ladies gallery, Esther, an elderly widow, just couldn’t take her eyes off the young, good looking chazzan who was blowing the shofar to signify the arrival of another new year, She had been obsessed with him for some time and believed she was in love with him.
When the service ended, the chazzan took off his tallit and turned round to talk to one of the congregation. This was her chance. Esther immediately grabbed his tallit and walked away with it – but the Rabbi had seen her. He went over to her and said, “Esther, why don’t you give back the tallit you just took?”
“What tallit?” said Esther.
“The one I just saw you take from our chazzan and hide under your dress, that’s what tallit,” answered the Rabbi.
Esther could deny it no longer. As she raised her dress to remove the tallit, which was tucked into her pantyhose, and because she was so nervous being caught out by the Rabbi, she couldn’t control herself and let out a loud flatulence.
The Rabbi responded, “And when you’ve removed the tallit, could you please also give back the shofar.”

(#571) Two quickies
Q:  How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?
A:  It’s the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back.

Don’t ever forget that your health comes first. You can always kill yourself later.

(#572) A trip to Israel
Hette was on her first visit to Israel and was on a special day tour to Jerusalem. First stop was a big beautiful shul and she said to her guide, "That's really special. How long did it take to build?"
The guide replied, "About five years, madam."
Hette replied, "In my country it would only have taken six months."
They carried on with the tour and arrived at a small settlement. Hette said to the guide, "This is really lovely. How long did they take to build it?"
"About 8 years, madam." he replied.
Hette said (snootily), "Huh, in my country it would have taken less than a year."
Then they arrived at the Wailing Wall. Hette gasped at its size and said to the guide, "Just look at that structure!"
The guide didn’t wait for her next comment. He immediately said, "My goodness! I just can't believe it - it wasn't here this morning!"

(#573) The night out
Moishe telephoned his wife Sadie. “Sadie, darling, I’ve got some good news. You know that Lloyd Webber musical you’ve always wanted to see?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’ve just bought us two tickets to see it.”
“Oh Moishe, that’s marvellous. I’ll start dressing immediately.”
“Sadie, that’s just what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night’s performance.”

(#574) It’s a steal (male version – see also #570)
Moishe went to shul regularly but one Sabbath forgot his tallit and had to borrow one from the "visitors’ spares". It was an expensive looking tallit and he was certainly not embarrassed to wear it. At the end of the service, he didn’t really want to hand back this excellent tallit and without thinking, stuffed it down his trousers.
As he was walking past the bimah on his way out, the Rabbi stopped him and whispered, "Moishe, I saw you put the shul tallit down your trousers. I don’t want to know why you did this, but may I suggest you remove it from your trousers now and give it to me."
Moishe was so deeply embarrassed that as he was bending over trying to pull the tallit out of his trouser leg, where it had slipped, he accidentally let out a loud flatulence. The Rabbi, shocked, said, "Moishe, you took the shofar as well?"

(#575) The meeting
Shlomo and Issy had been best friends for a long time, but for one reason or another had not seen each other for years. Then by chance they meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. They had so much to talk about that after 30 minutes of chatting, Shlomo invited Issy back to his flat to continue their reminiscences.
"Issy, I’ve a lovely wife and three kids and we would all love to have you come to us tonight for dinner."
Issy replied, "That’s very kind of you, just tell me where you live."
Shlomo wrote it down. "Here's the address, Issy. It’s a block of flats. When you get to the main entrance, kick open the door with your foot, then go into the lobby and call the lift by pressing the button with your elbow. When the lift arrives, get in and press the 6th floor button with your elbow. When you reach the sixth floor, get out and go down the hall on the left until you find room number 607. That’s where we live. Press my bell with your elbow and I'll let you in."
"OK, Shlomo, but tell me... what’s all this kicking open of doors and pressing of buttons with my elbow?"
 "Surely, Issy, you're not coming empty-handed?"
 

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