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This is the twentysecond set of jokes
(#536) The conversation
Rabbi Bloom and Father O’Reilly were arguing one day about religion. They went on for some time and very soon, things began to get out of hand.
Then Rabbi Bloom said, “We must not quarrel in this way. It’s not right. We are both doing God's work, you in your way and I in His.”
(#537) Room 50
Maurice, 53 years old, thought he was quite fit so he decided to join ‘David’s Place’, the up market London health club. It seemed all the Jews in North London went there.
On his first day, Maurice went to Room 50, the exercise room for over 50s, and tried out their stair-step machine. He told the instructor what he wanted to do and the instructor asked, "Shall I set it for five, ten or twenty minutes?"
"Make it ten," Maurice replied conservatively.
But after only a few minutes on the machine, his legs felt like lead and he could hardly breathe. So he got off the machine. As he limped past some of the other men in Room 50 who were resting from their workouts, Maurice said to them, "I could only take three minutes on that thing."
"OK, OK, " replied one of them, "You don’t have to brag about it."
(#538) The third
Did you know that Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount Sinai?
Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after much climbing, removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed to God.
"Oh mighty God, King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to ask you a question about the Ten Commandments."
"What question do they have for me?" roared the voice of God.
"They want to know whether the commandments are listed according to priority."
Sadie, an elderly lady, is sitting in a restaurant in Brent Cross Shopping Centre sipping her tea. Next to her, three nuns were discussing where to go on holiday.
The 2nd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem."
"No," says Mother Superior, "there are too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Philadelphia."
"No," says Mother Superior again, "also too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun again speaks and says, "Let's go to Paris."
Yet again Mother Superior replies, "No, too many Jews there too."
Sadie had heard enough.
She leans over and says to them, in a thick, loud Yiddish accent, "Vell, vhy don't you go to Hell, dere are no Jews dere!!!!"
(#540) I’ve given
Alf arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Michael Bloom has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Alf," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don’t have."
But Sadie hadn’t finished.
"And that’s not all. I hear that Bernard, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking – another example of the kind of will power that you don’t have."
"OK, Sadie," said Alf, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won’t be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Alf keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Alf shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Bloom has started smoking again."
Maurice and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in. Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Maurice wasn’t so honest about the size of his family!
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Maurice had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Maurice found a place that was ideal.
The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"
Maurice answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!
Rifka told her daughter. "You should read your Bible, Sarah, just like Grandma does."
Sarah replied, "I don't have to yet, mummy. Grandma's studying for her final Exams"
It was Benny’s third birthday party and he was having a lovely time. Soon it was time to open his presents. One was from his grandma Freda and in it he discovered a water pistol. He jumped up and down with delight and then ran to the nearest sink to fill it up.
But his mother was not so pleased. She turned to Freda and said, "I'm surprised at you, Mum. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols when we were young?"
Grandma Freda smiled and then replied, "I remember. Of course I remember"
(#544) Death bed
Benny had worked long and hard all his life and now his end was near. His family had all gathered around his hospital bed. Through half-closed and watery eyes and with a very croaky voice, Benny said, "Sadie darling, are you here?"
"Yes, dear, I’m here."
"Sam, are you here?"
"Yes, dad, I’m here."
"Hannah, are you here?"
"Rifka, are you here?"
"Harry, are you here?"
Then, struggling to sit up and using his last ounce of strength, Benny shouted, "If you’re all here, who on earth is looking after the shop?"
(#545) My Yidishe
Momma - part 2
(See also 3rd set of jokes #99)
My mother taught me MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on - don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
My mother taught me HUMOUR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me RESTRAINT
"Don't eat so fast. If you don't chew, you don't digest and the doctor will have to remove your stomach.
My mother taught me the UNKNOWN
"I gave you £2 last week. Where did it go? "
My mother taught me RELIGION
"If you don't learn Hebrew, you won't be barmitzvah’ed and, if you're not barmitzvah’ed, I'll die of embarrassment!"
(#546) Home return
Moshe had been away on a lengthy business trip and on the plane back home, he began thinking of all the romantic things he would do on his return. So when he came home, he quietly suggested to Becky that they go to bed early that night for a bit of l-o-v-e. But Becky said, "Oh Moishe, I'm so tired from looking after the house all the time you were away. Please, another time if you don’t mind."
The next night Moshe asked again. Becky said, "Oy vay, Moishe, such a terrible headache I have got. I won’t be able to do anything and it wouldn't be any good. Please, wait a bit longer."
On the third night, Moshe had gotten just a little impatient. "How about it?" he said, a bit abruptly.
Becky snapped back at him, "Moishe. This is the third night in a row you've asked me. What are you? Some kind of sex maniac?"
(#547) The cure
Yenta had to call in the doctor to check her husband Lionel. He didn’t seem to be at all well.
After the doctor had examined Lionel, he said to Yenta, "Your husband is very exhausted and fatigued and needs a lot of peace and quiet. If you want to help him recover, please take one tranquilliser, four times per day."
in the army now
Isaac Rokenson was a new recruit in the British Army. On his first day, an officer came up to him and said, "What is your name?"
"Isaac Rokenson," he replied.
The officer shouted at him, "You must say 'Sir' when you answer an officer of the British Army. What's your name?"
"Sir Isaac Rokenson," came the reply.
(#549) The storytellers
Sidney and Abe, both in their seventies, met in Edgware High Street one Sunday morning. Straight away, they started their gossiping and story telling.
"So, Abe, what's new?" Sidney asked.
Abe, looking very worried, replied, "I’m sorry to have to say that only this morning I had a great story to tell you, but I've forgotten it already."
Sidney replied, "Well, if it's about ‘forgotten stories’, I have a better one to tell you than that - if only I could remember it!"
(#550) The kitten
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom’s kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn’t come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - “Here kitty kitty,” he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet’s basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn’t reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the Deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.
" Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won’t believe me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the empty sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of Sarah. And that’s why I’m buying cat food!"
(#551) A debt
Shlomo and Sidney are walking home late one night when they see a crowd of drunken yobs coming towards them.
“Sidney," says Shlomo, "do you know that £500 you lent me recently?”
“Yes,” replied Sidney.
Well,” said Shlomo, “here, you can have it back now.”
(#552) The eight
nights of Chanukah
On the first night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the second night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, two matzoh balls and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the third night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fourth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fifth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the sixth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the seventh night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, seven rabbis dancing, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the eighth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, eight fiddlers fiddling, seven rabbis dancing, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
(#553) Two quickies
Moishe and Bernie were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Moishe looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
The little village was very poor. The people could hardly pay their rabbi. It was lucky that the rabbi was such a pious man who fasted twice a week, because if he wasn’t, he would have starved.
(#554) Not a Jewish
joke, but I like it anyway
A dustman goes into a Chinese takeaway and says to the owner, “Where’s yer bin?”
“I been Hong Kong.”
“No, no, where’s yer wheelie bin?”
“I weally bin Hong Kong.”
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