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This is the twentieth set of jokes
(#491) The Rabbiís
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit Samuel Lyons.
"Shalom, Sam. Iíll come straight to the point. Iíve come here because our synagogue needs your help. Youíve been a member for over 20 years and I realise that youíre always quick to pay your membership fees in full. But as you are aware, we are in a financial crisis. I've come here to ask you for a little extra for the new school building fund."
"How much are you looking to get from me - how big is little?" asks Sam.
"Iíll be honest. £10,000 would be a tremendous help to us," replies the Rabbi."
Sam responds, "Rabbi, my daughter Rebecca is soon getting married and she has asked me for £25,000 to help her buy that house she saw in Hampstead. And my son David is just starting at Manchester University and he wants £25,000 to see him through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy and she has asked for £30,000 for the doctorsí fees and in-patient facilities. And thatís not all. You know from your own experience that to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking £35,000. So Rabbi, if I can say 'no' to them, I can say 'no' to you."
(#492) Fish bait
Moishe went out fishing. He had driven by the lake many times before and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him was scooping in one fish after another. Moishe had to know the secret.
"Excuse me, would you mind telling me what sort of bait youíre using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
Moishe couldnít match that. He thanked the man and left.
Next day, Moishe returned to the lake, tried a different bait but still had no luck. Just as before, there ahead was another man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked Moishe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and Iím using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought Moishe. ďI canít match that. It seems that the fish in this lake will require a little more effort than normal.Ē
He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, Moishe still had no luck. As usual, there was another man near him bringing in lots of fish. Moishe had to confirm what he already knew.
"Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a mohel."
(#493) Some more
Adverts from the Israeli newspapers
(see #86 and #125 for previous Adverts)
"Couch potato latke, in search of the right apple sauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? PO Box 43."
"Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. PO Box 56."
"Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. PO Box 123"
It is not generally known that a few years ago the Jewish community in Madrid discovered at the last moment that they had no horseradish for making chrain for Pesach. All the countries they asked replied in the same way, "Sorry, we have none left to send you."
So, in desperation, the Spanish Chief Rabbi called his friend in Israel and begged him to immediately send him some horseradish by air freight. He agreed and three days before Pesach, a crate of the best grade of tear-jerking Israeli horseradish was loaded onto an El Al Flight to Madrid. All seemed to be going OK but when the Chief Rabbi went to the airport to pick up his desperately needed horseradish, he was shocked to learn that there was a strike and that no crates of any kind would be unloaded at the airport for at least four days.
So, as it is said, ďThe chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.Ē
(#495) The haircuts
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You donít have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldnít ask you to pay anything, itís on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
(#496) I give
you the answer, you give me the question
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?
A: A classroom, a
Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Kishka, succah,
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?
(mainly Jewish Mother riddles)
Q: Why are many Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have not yet met Dr. Right.
Q: Why was Moses'
mother so happy?
A: Because she not only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet!
Q: What did the Jewish
mother bank cashier say to her customer?
A: ďYou never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.Ē
Q: What did the Jewish
mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
A: "Who did the catering, darling?"
Q: What kind of cigarettes
do Jewish mothers smoke?
Q: What is the most
common disease transmitted by Jewish mothers?
Q: Why do Jewish
mothers make great parole officers?
A: Because they never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: Why are Jewish
mothers always excused from jury service?
A: Because they all insist that they're the guilty ones.
Q: Why are there
so few Jewish mothers who are alcoholics?
A: Because alcohol dulls the pain.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What's the difference
between a Jewish mother and a vulture?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out."
(#498) An end
to the medical profession?
Hette was talking to her best friend Freda. "You know, Freda," said Hette, "Being a doctor these days isn't as great as it used to be. There are now many kinds of scientist around with much more prestige than doctors. It therefore follows that in future, many Jewish boys are going to become scientists instead of doctors."
"I canít agree with you at all on this one," replied Freda.
"Why on earth not?" said Hette.
"Because, my dear Hette," replied Freda, "it's much more difficult to say, 'My son, the nuclear physicist.'"
One day, George W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he couldnít help but notice a very tall striking man standing on his own in the departure lounge. The man was wearing a long flowing white robe, and had a long flowing white beard, flowing white hair, a staff in one hand and some stone tablets in the other.
GWB was so sure he knew who he was that he felt he had to say something to him. So GWB approached him and asked, "Youíre Moses, arenít you."
The man just stared at the ground and totally ignored GWB.
GWB wasnít going to give up on this, so he stood right in front of the man and again asked, this time more loudly, " Youíre Moses, arenít you."
The man continued to stare at the floor.
GWB was having none of this. He grabbed hold of the man's arm and asked once again, " Youíre Moses, arenít you."
At last the man looked up and answered, "Yes, I am Moses".
GWB then asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yes, I know who you are. Thatís why I tried to ignore you. The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert".
(#500) Oh happy
"Congratulations, Moishe" said the bridegroom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on today and remember it as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." replied Moishe.
"I know, I know." replied his uncle.
A young, popular, but controversial teacher tells her 3rd year class that she is an atheist and asks if there are any other atheists in the class, they must put up their hands.
Not really knowing what an atheist was, but wanting to follow their teacher, all but one of them immediately put up their hands. The exception was Natalie.
The teacher asks Natalie why she wants to be different to all the others.
"Because I'm not an atheist," she replies.
"So what are you then?" asks the teacher.
The teacher asks Natalie why she is Jewish.
"I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mother is Jewish and my father is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
"That's not a good enough reason," the teacher says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be an atheist," says Natalie, smiling.
(#502) "Who Needs
Itís breakfast time. Sadie asks her husband Moishe, "Would you like some scrambled eggs, perhaps a piece of toast and grapefruit and coffee to follow?"
Moishe replies, "No thanks, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, Sadie asks Moishe if he would like something to eat. "How about a bowl of your favourite home made vegetable soup, followed by a cheese and tomato sandwich on rye?" she inquires.
Moishe again declines. "It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, Sadie asks Moishe if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the delicatessen and buy him some food. Would he like a nice juicy lamb chop with a tasty stir-fry followed by apple pie and cream?
Again, Moishe says, "No thanks, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," Sadie says, "Would you mind getting off me and letting me up? I'm starving."
Father Christmas was on duty, working in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. When a little girl comes up to his table, Santa asks her, "Whatís your name, dear, and what do you want for Christmas?"
The girl replies, "My name is Mary and I would like a new Barbie doll for Christmas, please."
Santa tells her, "I will add your Barbie doll to my list, but for now, please take a present from my toy sack."
Then a little boy comes up to his table. Santa asks him, "Whatís your name, boy, and what do you want for Christmas?"
The boy replies, "My name is Peter and I want a Harry Potter remote control car for Christmas."
Santa tells him, "I will add your Harry Potter car to my list, but for now, please take a present from my toy sack."
Then another little boy comes up to his table. Santa asks him, "Whatís your name, handsome, and what do you want for Christmas?"
The boy replies, "My name is Moishe and I'm Jewish. Iím not allowed to ask for anything from Santa."
Santa points to his toy sack and whispers in the boy's ear, "Nem tzvay." (take two)
Tailor and Tailor
In the middle of Whitechapel, London, there was a little street with just five shops in it. Every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.
The first was called Georgeís Tailor Shop. On its sign was, "Best tailors in the area."
The second was called Mickís Tailor Shop. Its sign read, "Best tailors in London."
Then came "The Tailor Shop". Its sign read, "Best tailors in the UK."
The fourth was "Baring & Gilowís Tailors". On its big sign were the words, "Best tailors in the world."
So Moishe Cohen took a lease on the fifth shop, the empty one, and Moishe decided to call it "Cohenís Ė Best tailors in the street!"
(#505) The cure
Moishe and Sadie were touring the Middle East. As part of the day's itinerary, they took a trip to the local bazaar. The couple visited many of the shops there and spoke to numerous vendors who were dotted around the square. One of the stalls was selling sandals. But not any old sandals, said the owner. "My sandals will increase the sexual prowess of whoever wears them. I guarantee this."
Moishe told the owner that he wasn't interested, but Sadie looked at Moishe and insisted that he buy a pair. She said it might help him. Seeing that look in her eyes, he decided it was futile to argue.
Before paying for them, Moishe wanted to make sure that they fitted him, so he tried them on. Immediately, Moishe grabbed hold of the owner, threw him on the table, and started to rip his clothes off.
"Stop, stop", yelled the owner. "Youíve put them on the wrong feet!"
(#506) The negotiation
Moishe the tailor felt it was time to get a wife so one day plucked up courage to visit a marriage broker. The broker immediately offered him a beautiful young lady.
"This girl is quite gorgeous. Sheís a real prize, especially as she wants to settle down with a husband right away. Yours would be a wedding made in heaven," said the broker.
But Moishe was a businessman and he never made decisions quickly.
"Look, I need more information," Moishe told her. "Whenever I buy any cloth, I always ask to see some swatches first. So before I decide on a wife, I want to see a sample also."
The broker said she would pass on Moisheís request directly to the lady in question. She then went to visit the intended bride.
"My client says he is a good businessman and needs to find out exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample."
"OK," replied the girl, "I understand Ė I am also good at business. Tell him that I donít give samples but I am prepared to give him references."
(#507) The pick
Sadie and Bernie were well into their 80s and were still able to look after themselves. Until, that is, the day a police car pulled up outside their house and out stepped Bernie. The policeman who escorted Bernie to the door was kind and understanding. He explained to Sadie that Bernie told him he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Bernie," said Sadie, "How on earth could you get yourself lost? You've been going to that park for over 25 years."
Bernie went up to Sadie and whispered softly in her ear, "Please donít tell him but I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home."
(#508) The slow
Young Bernie Gold was nearly 12 years old and although he had a lower than average IQ, he was a dutiful and caring son. One day, he was having a chat with his father.
"Dad, itís Father's Day on Sunday and I want to buy you something. Mum said I should ask you what you wanted."
Mr Gold only needed to think for a moment. "What do I want? I only want one thing - you are 12 months away from your Barmitzvah and I would be so very happy if you could learn at last to speak Hebrew."
Bernie groaned aloud, "You know how hard Iím finding it at school to learn new subjects, Dad. Iím such a slow learner. I just donít think I would be able to learn Hebrew."
Mr Gold looked squarely at his son and said, "Bernie, youíre better than you think you are. Iíll even help you, just as my father helped me. If you could do this for me, it would please me so very much!"
"OK, I'll try Dad, just for you, but please donít be angry with me if I fail."
So next Sunday, they went to see the Rabbi and soon after that, Bernie was enrolled in the synagogueís Hebrew classes. Over the months that followed, Bernie kept his promise by attending regularly and trying as hard as he could.
One day, Mr Gold decided to visit the synagogue and check on Bernieís progress. He entered the class in the middle of a lesson and when it came to Bernieís turn to read, Mr Gold was soon dismayed to discover how little Hebrew Bernie could manage after all the months that had gone by. Bernie was very slow and made many mistakes in his reading.
But even worse, Mr Gold realized that what he was hearing from Bernie was the beginning of the Kaddish. He was shocked Ė the Kaddish is the prayer for the dead, the words that every son is expected to say after the father's death.
"Rabbi, what on earth are you teaching my son?" argued Mr Gold after the lesson was over. "I'm only in my 40s - Iím a young man still in good health. I go jogging and Israeli dancing every week. Do I really look so ill that you are teaching Bernie to say the Kaddish now?"
The Rabbi replied, "Mr Gold, please God you should live so long that Bernie is able to say the whole of the Kaddish over you!"
(#509) 23rd Psalm
for Jewish Princesses
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He leadeth me to Brent Cross
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my credit card
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past Woolworths for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Next, I shall not go in, for thou art with me.
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewellery for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Golders Green Road forever.
(#510) Match that
Moishe Cohen was 82 years old and had made an appointment with Doctor Michaels who was very well known for his work in curing impotence. Doctor Michaels examined Moishe carefully and then said to him, "Mr Cohen, Iíve examined every part of you and I can honestly say that you're in excellent condition for a man of your age. So tell me, why are you really here?"
Moishe replied, "My friend Bernie has told me he makes love to his wife 5 times a week, and I canít do that, Doctor."
Doctor Michaels smiled and said, "Yes you can. You can also say you make love as many times a week as you like."
(#511) First job
Rabbi Bloom had just accepted a junior role at a NW London synagogue for his first posting. The senior Rabbi there, Rabbi Gold, was well loved by his congregation and considered to be very wise with a wicked sense of humour.
One day, not long after he joined, Rabbi Bloom said to Rabbi Gold, "You know I told you during my interview that I had won many prizes in the Yeshiva for my sermons? Well, I donít think there is a subject in the world that I could not instantly find a Biblical text for and then incorporate it into a sermon." Rabbi Gold couldnít help but decide to put him to the test.
"Rabbi Bloom," he said, "I want you to give my sermon next Shabbos. But there will be no need to prepare it in advance. Instead, when you get into the pulpit, you will find a sealed envelope and inside the envelope will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one-word topic. I challenge you to find any kind of text that will fit." Rabbi Bloom thanked Rabbi Gold for the opportunity and said he looked forward to the challenge with relish.
The day came. Rabbi Bloom walked up the stairs to the pulpit, opened the envelope, looked at the sheet of paper on which was written "constipation", and started his sermon. "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
(#512) The cure
Moishe went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold that wouldnít clear up. His doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit, the doctor gave Moishe an injection, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit, the doctor told Moishe to go home and take a hot bath. Then, as soon as he got out the bath, he must open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doctor," protested Moishe, "I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
(#513) The root
of our troubles
Did you know that the horseradish root goes back in time as far as the matzoh does? The horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites. The Israelites were slaves at the time and only had access to a few vegetables. The hard and woody horseradish was one of them and was a household staple.
Nearly all the fleeing Israelites took horseradish with them. Moishe and Sadie, however, while gathering up their scant belongings, found to their dismay that they had run out of horseradish. Sadie immediately sent Moishe into the field to dig up a large horseradish root to take with them. However, because it was dark and everyone was running around in panic, Moishe dug up a ginger root by mistake.
After forty years in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land Ė all, that is, except Moishe and Sadie. It took them forty-one years to arrive. When asked where they had been, Sadie, now grown old, shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Moishe insisted on taking an alternative root."
(#514) A visit
to her husband
It's the yahtzeit of Bernie Goldís death and Sadie, his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean his grave, read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
But because she hadnít visited his grave for some years, Sadie cannot find Bernieís resting place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery office where all the records are kept.
He made her a cup of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists. After 30 minutes, he finally turns to Sadie and says, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the grave of Sadie Gold"
"That's him!" Sadie shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name."
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