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This is the first set of jokes
(#1) The dream.
Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
(#2) The beggars.
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."
(#3) Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.
(#4) Gourmet food.
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"
(#5) The yiddish speaker.
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"
(#6) Kol Nidre night.
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
(#7) Come & get me!
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."
(#8) Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."
(#9) The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
(#10) The convert.
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
(#11) Jewish Dictionary extracts
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.
BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami.
SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor
(#12) If Microsoft were Jewish:
1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go. I'm not getting any younger." button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant I should try again?"
4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC's tuchis the cable ".
5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu, so play my music already.".
6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant I should fix?" message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, your PC would go "Schloffen."
11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will be "Flying Draidles".
15. High capacity DVB's (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM's
(#13) The school teacher’s prize.
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the £50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."
(#14) The engagement.
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
(#15) The dog.
Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage."
Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings."
"This is not my dog", Rivkah insists.
"How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain.
"My dog is dead!"
(#16) The thinker.
After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and sat down. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at the young man and thought,
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?At this point Avraham turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
I'm the only one from our area to be allowed to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.
What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
(#17) Seder warning.
Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and choroses.
Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
(#18) New cheese factory.
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".
(#19) Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
(#20) The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
(#21) The old lady.
Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up the seat to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here."
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it that you have?"
"Chutzpah," Hetty replies.
(#22) The last meal.
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
(#23) The package.
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"
(#24) More riddles.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch..."
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag
and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.
Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by
ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of
matza to make a passover pizza?
Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who
is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl.
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish
A: "Is anything OK?"
Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the
change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
(#25) The car driver
Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back."
Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."
(#26) Are There Jews In China?
Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
(#27) The Jewish advisor.
There once lived a king who had an advisor called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected.
They said, "It's OK sitting in counsel with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable."
The King accepted their argument and ordered Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King.
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered and he grew weak.
Finally Hymie could take it no longer and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me."
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong about his 'conversion'.
"OK," said the King, "if that's how you feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with it. You're too important for me to lose."
On his way back home to tell the news to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body.
When he arrived, he called out to his wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."
Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn't you wait until after Passover?"
(#28) The phone call.
Morris calls his son in New York.
Morris says "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mum? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonised over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with my Edgware lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight to London. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at Heathrow the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, they’re coming for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here Rosh Hashanah."
(#29) Meeting with the synagogue secretary
Sadly, slowly, Michael Cohen entered the synagogue.
He trudged into the secretary’s office and sighed, "Shmulik, I’m here."
He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for my wife’s burial.
"Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Don’t you remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
Mr Cohen nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I’m here about my second."
"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know you remarried."
(#30) Rabbi’s advice
Moishe goes to see his Rabbi.
"I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl"
"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"
"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that," said the Rabbi.
(#31) Make me a Cohen, please
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000…then £75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"
(#32) The widow
Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes."
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace."
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked.
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him."
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky."
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did."
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"
(#33) Going back to the closet
Howard, a young gay man telephones his mother.
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
(#34) Near to death
Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
(#35) The garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"But, what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman."
(#36) The visit to the dentist
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"
(#37) The genie
Sadie is walking along the beach one day finds a bottle.
She rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" Sadie asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, your husband Maurice will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated Sadie.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes Benz!" POOF! A Mercedes Benz appeared in front of the woman. "Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO Mercedes Benz," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my Mercedes," replied the woman.
"Next wish?" "I'd love a million pounds," replied the woman.
POOF! One million pounds appeared at her feet.
"Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO million pounds," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the woman.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The woman thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate one of my kidneys!"
(#38) The loan
Issy walks into a central London bank and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I park my car for two weeks for £9.41
(#39) The hearing test
Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice, Yes I can!"
(#40) More riddles
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this."
Q: Who, in history, had the very first motorcycle?
A: Moses - the roar of his triumph could be heard all over Israel.
(#41) Adam and Eve
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".
"What’s a kiss?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and kissed her.
Adam returned with a big smile on his face and said, "Lord, that was great! What’s next?".
"Now you must caress Eve".
"What’s caress?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and lovingly caressed her.
Adam returned with a bigger smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?".
"Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve".
"What is make love?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".
(#42) Five Quickies
Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you do with the last £50 I gave you?"
Did you hear about the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?
From Israel comes the story of a guide who
was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
"That fossil in the glass case over there is two million and nine years old" he told them.
"How can you date it so precisely?" someone asked admiringly.
"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."
WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
(#43) Noah’s ark
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks."
"And this time," says the Lord, "think big, Eight decks at least."
"I got you," says Noah, "what you want is a multi-storey carp ark."
(#44) First day
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."
(#45) Trouble at School
"Hyman, you had better come over here right away. There has been some trouble with your son."
"Vy, vot’s heppened?"
"I can’t discuss it over the phone, you had better come."
So Hyman arrives at the school.
"I’m very sorry to tell you but we are expelling your son; we can’t tolerate his sort of behaviour here."
"But vy, vot’s he done?"
"Well, to be quite frank, we found him playing with his genitals."
"But dat’s not such a terrible ting, some of my best friends are genitals."
(#46) The accident
Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident in which Sadie’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told Maurice that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So Maurice offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his tuchass.
Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Sadie’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beautiful skin!
One day, she was alone with Maurice and she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling, " he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
(#47) The schmuck
Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a schmuck! You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
(#48) The braggers
Becky, Sadie and Hannah are bragging about their sons.
Becky says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London."
Sadie says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in London."
Hannah says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is the best doctor in London."
(#49) up to (#62) inclusive
Please note that there are no jokes for these numbers!
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