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This is the nineteenth set of jokes
Grandpa David & Grandma Andrea were staying overnight at their grandson Paul’s house when Grandpa David saw a bottle of Viagra pills in the bathroom cabinet. He asked Paul whether he could use one of the pills.
Paul said, "I don't think you should take one, Zeida, they're very potent and expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa David.
"£10 for each pill," Paul replied.
"I don't care," said Grandpa David, "I'd like to try Viagra at least once before I die. But don’t worry, if I do take one, I'll pay you for it."
The next morning Paul found a cheque for £110 on the kitchen table. He said to Grandpa David, "Zeida, I told you each pill was £10, not £110."
"I know," said Grandpa David, "The extra hundred is from your Bubba."
Moishe was sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning reading the News of the World. He had just read an article about a beautiful film star who had announced that she was going to marry a football player who was famous not only for his aggression on and off the field, but also for his lack of IQ and common sense. In fact he was ‘thick as two planks’.
Like many men, Moishe loved hearing his own voice and liked to report aloud stories he read from the paper. So he turned to his wife Sadie and said, "I’ll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
Sadie replied, "Why thank you, darling!"
(#473) The shopping
It was a terrible evening in Golders Green. The wind was blowing hard, it was snowing and it was very, very cold. The streets were almost deserted and ‘Bagels Bakery’ was just about to shut when Sidney entered. He looked absolutely frozen. He was wearing two jumpers, a thick scarf and an even thicker coat. His umbrella had blown inside out and he looked thoroughly miserable.
As he unbuttoned his coat, he said to the baker, "Two bagels, please."
The baker looked surprised. "Only two? Don’t you want anything else?"
"No. I only want two," Sidney replied. "One for Esther and one for me."
"Is Esther your wife?" asked the baker.
"Don’t ask silly questions," replied Sidney, "Of course she is. Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
(#474) The drinker
It is Saturday night and Sean is in an Irish pub in Cricklewood. He soon strikes up a conversation with the fellow next to him at the bar. Sean says, "I must stop drinking all this Irish whiskey."
"Why do you want to do that?" asked his companion.
"Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a half a bottle of the stuff, come home drunk, make mad passionate love to my wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church."
"What's wrong with that?" the friend asks. "A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night, drink a half bottle of good Irish whiskey, come home drunk, make love to the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said Sean, "but I'm Jewish."
(#475) Seder Pickup Lines
(Please scroll down
What were you thinking? Her husband speaks English.
(#477) The date
Becky and Sadie had both lost their husbands and were hoping to find new partners. One day, Sadie says to Beckie, "That nice Bernie Schwartz asked me out for a date the other day. I know you went out with him recently so tell me about him before we meet.
Becky replies, "Well OK, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment exactly on time, just like a quartz clock. And like a mench he is dressed - fine jacket, beautiful shirt and a smart tie. He brings me my favourite chocolates, you know, the ones I would die for. And he comes in an expensive Lexus car, no less, with a uniformed chauffeur wearing a peaked cap. So then he takes me out to dinner in Baker Street, a kosher restaurant even, just as I would have wanted. Then we go see a West End show. Oh Sadie, I enjoyed that evening so much. But when we come back to my apartment for a coffee, everything changes. He suddenly goes completely crazy. He grabs hold of me, tears off my expensive Cerruti dress like it was made of paper and, and ….he had his way with me!"
Sadie says, "Oy vey!...So are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Becky replies, "No. All I’m saying is if you do go out with him, wear shmutters."
(#478) The accident
Moishe was in a terrible car accident, which mangled his "manhood" and tore it from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that he would have to go privately to have this done - such an operation was not available under the National Health. Although Moishe did not have any private medical cover, he told the doctor that it was not going to be a problem – it was so important, he would pay for it out of his savings.
"So how much will it cost?" asked Moishe.
"£4,500 for a small one, £7,500 for medium and £12,000 for large."
Moishe said, "Then I’ll have the large one, please."
But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before making such an important decision and left the room to allow Moishe to call his wife on his mobile.
Moishe spent 10 minutes discussing his options with Sadie and when the doctor came back into the room, he found Moishe looking utterly dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
Moishe answered, "Sadie said she'd rather have a new kitchen."
When Louis was younger, he just hated going to Jewish weddings. All of his uncles and aunts used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, "You're next, Louis."
But they stopped doing that after Louis started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Morris and Becky were chatting one evening. Morris says, "Becky, it’s our 50th wedding anniversary soon, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Becky hesitated for a moment, then said, "Yes, darling, 3 times."
"3 times? How did this happen?" Morris asks her.
"Well, Morris, You remember you lost your job a year after we got married and we had no money and we thought we might have to sell our house? Do you also remember that I went to see the bank manager to ask for an overdraft? Well, we got our overdraft and that’s when it happened."
"It’s hard to accept," Morris said, "but as you did this for us, I can forgive you."
Becky continued, "And you remember years later when you almost died from your heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation? Remember that immediately after I went to see the surgeon at his house, he did your operation for nothing? Well, that’s when it happened."
"Yes," Morris said, "that shocks me too, but as you did it because you loved me, I forgive you. But tell me, Becky, what was the third time?"
Becky responded, "Do you remember, Morris, when you were trying to get elected as the synagogue Chairman... and you needed just 12 more votes?"
(#481) "Old" is when: -
Little Moishe asks his father, “Dad, where do clouds come from?”
His father replies, “Good question, son. I wish I knew that myself.”
Moishe then asks, “Dad, how does rain come out of the clouds?”
His father replies, “Interesting question, son. I must look that up later on.”
Moishe then asks, “When lightening happens, Dad, why does it always come before the thunder?”
His father replies, “I used to know that, son, but I’ve forgotten the answer.”
Then little Moishe asks, “Do you mind me asking you all these questions, Dad?”
His father replies, “No, of course not son. If you don’t ask, you don’t learn!”
(#484) It’s question
Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain, because he wasn't Abel.
2) Moses, because he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David, because he sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon, because neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah, because he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.
When Albert Einstein was young, he was regularly invited to speak at various conferences. But he nearly always found himself wishing that he was back in his laboratory carrying out further pioneering work.
One day, Einstein said to his chauffeur, "Issy, I am getting so very tired of making these speeches, but what on earth can I do? ".
Issy replied, "I have an idea, sir. I've heard you give your presentation many times before and I'll bet I could quite easily give your talk for you. Why, I even look and speak like you." Einstein thought for a while, then laughed and replied, "What a good idea Issy, why not?
So for the next conference, they exchanged clothes. Einstein put on Issy’s uniform and peaked cap and then got behind the wheel of the car. When they arrived at the conference centre, Einstein went and sat at the back of the theatre and wondered how Issy would cope. He needn’t have worried. Issy gave an excellent speech and even answered the first few of the questions that followed. But then one of the other professors asked Issy an extremely awkward question about the speed of light in relation to the formation of anti-matter. Quick as a flash, Issy replied, "The answer to your question is easy. In fact it is so basic that I will ask my chauffeur, who is sitting at the back of the hall, to answer it for me."
(#486) The nurse
Bernie was almost 90 years old and found it difficult to keep his balance. After his latest fall, his daughter thought it was now time for her dad to have a full time nurse looking after him.
Freda duly arrived and on her first night, Bernie was as usual sitting on his plastic-covered couch watching TV. All of a sudden, he started to lean over to the right. Freda quickly pulled him upright. Then Bernie started slowly to lean over to the left and Freda once again rushed over and straightened him up. This rigmarole went on for some time.
Later that evening, the telephone rang. Bernie picked it up.
"Hello Dad, it's me, Hette," said his daughter. "Is the new nurse doing her job properly?"
"Oh Hette, I’m so glad you rang. You must get over here as soon as you can," Bernie answered.
Hette replied, "Why, Dad, whatever’s wrong?"
Bernie then whispered into the phone, "The tyrant won't let me fart."
(#487) A visit
to a solicitor
Even though Morris and Sadie had been married for a very, very long time, they still decided to visit a divorce lawyer in Camden Town. At the first meeting, the solicitor asks them, "Why in the world do you want to get divorced? You each look well into your nineties. Why now of all times?"
Morris replies, "Actually, I'm 102 and my wife Sadie is 101."
The solicitor is totally bemused and asks them again "So why do you want a divorce now?"
Sadie replies this time, "Well, we wanted to wait until all of the children were dead."
(#488) A visit
Deborah had left home to go to London to work as a secretary. Soon after, she began regularly sending money to her parents, Moishe and Sadie.
Some years later, Sadie asked Deborah to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail. Deborah said she would come to see them that weekend.
You can imagine Moishe and Sadie’s surprise when Deborah pulled up outside their house in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house, Moishe muttered aloud, "It seems that London secretaries get well paid." Deborah walked over to him, took his hands and said, "Daddy - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I just didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Moishe gasped, put his hand over his heart and fell to the floor. The doctor was immediately called, but could not help - Moishe had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting Sadie and Deborah, Moishe muttered weakly, "What a way to go – murdered by my own daughter, killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Daddy, please, please forgive me," Deborah sobbed. "I wanted to have nice things to wear and to have enough money to be able to send you some. The only way I could think of doing that was to become a prostitute."
On hearing this, Moishe sat bolt upright in bed, looking already so much better. Smiling he said, "Deborah, did you say prostitute? I thought you said Protestant"
(#489) The lover
Shlomo, 80, marries Becky, a lovely 25-year-old. Because of the great difference in their ages, Becky thought it sensible to book separate hotel rooms on their honeymoon - she was worried that he might overexert himself.
On the first night, Becky is preparing herself for bed when there is a knock on her door. When she opens it, there is Shlomo ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and it was good. Shlomo says goodnight and leaves. Becky once again prepares to go to bed.
But five minutes later, there's a knock on her door. It’s Shlomo again, once more ready for action. Pleasantly surprised, Becky again invites him into her bed and again they make passionate love. Shlomo kisses her goodnight and leaves.
Becky is now quite tired but as soon as she puts her head on the pillow, there is a knock at the door and there, yet again, is Shlomo, looking very sprightly and once more ready for l-o-v-e. Again they make it.
This time, before Shlomo leaves, Becky says, "I am really very impressed with you, Shlomo. I thought you were past making love, but you’ve proved me wrong. I’ve made a good choice in you - you're a special lover. Most of my other lovers could only manage it once, yet you were able to do it three times."
On hearing this, Shlomo was very confused. He then looks her in the eyes and asks, "Do you mean I’ve been here already?"
(#490) The Catman
It was midnight and it was a cold night in Golders Green when all of a sudden a burglar alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewellers with a bag full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the police station, the officer on duty immediately recognises him. He is known as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.
"Did you have an accomplice?" the judge asks him.
"What's an accomplice?" asks Morris.
"A partner," replies the judge. "In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"Of course, what else?" says Morris, "Who can get reliable help these days?"
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