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This is the eighteenth set of jokes
(#450) The confessions
The night before their wedding, Alf and Bette were sharing confidences.
Alf said, “You must know something before we get married. I am a fanatic golfer. I eat, sleep and drink golf. Golf is my whole life. After we are married, I’ll try for some balance but I doubt whether I’ll succeed. Just understand - you’re marrying a golf addict.”
“I can live with that,” said Bette, “now I’ll tell you my secret - I’m a hooker.”
“A hooker?” Alf repeated. “I can live with that. Next time, keep your head down and your left arm straight, then swing through the ball....”
(#451) The Rabbi and the Parrots
One day, Hette approaches her Rabbi after the service and says to him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the Rabbi asks.
"They only know how to say, 'Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'"
"Why, that's terrible!" the Rabbi says, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house tomorrow and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Oh thank you, Rabbi," Hette replies.
The next day Hette brings her female parrots to the Rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in their cage. Hette puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"
(#452) The two sons
Bette and Freda were talking about their sons, both of whom were serving prison sentences.
Bette says: "Oy, my son Michael has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
Freda says: "Well, my son David is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.
"Oy," says Bette, "You must get such naches from David."
(#453) The boat trip
Paul and Bernard are out enjoying themselves one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Bernard says to Paul, "So listen, Paul, I have a problem, you know I don't swim at all well."
But luckily, Paul remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class years ago when he was just a youngster and so he begins pulling Bernard towards safety. After fifteen minutes of this, however, Paul begins to grow quite tired – all his energy had left him. And finally, just 100 feet from land, Paul asks Bernard, "So Bernard, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Bernard replies, " Paul, this is a hell of a time to be asking about money!"
(#454) The janitor
Bernard is not the brightest of men and is finding it very difficult to find a job. But one day, he applies for and gets a job as a janitor at the local Catholic Church. They decide to give Bernard a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work in a church. Bernard works very hard indeed.
After a week, he is called into the office. "Bernard, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
(#455) The marriage ceremony
Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel where the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to marry them to Jesus. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Chassidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards, carrying siddurs, came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the four Jews replied, "We're from the groom's side."
(#456) The wise man
One day, Bernie was trying to pull out of a parking place but to his horror, he hit the bumper of the car parked in front of him. To make matters worse, the incident was witnessed by a handful of people waiting for a bus.
So Bernie got out of his car, inspected the damage carefully, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a note, which he then left under the wiper blade of the other car.
This is what the note said. “Hello, I have just hit your car and there are some people here watching me. They think I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number and car registration number. But I am not.”
(#457) The visitor
David is visiting his parents for dinner one Friday night. Whilst she is getting the table ready, his mother asks him to get the olives from the fridge. He opens the fridge to look for the olives and notices that taped to the inside of the door is a risqué photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but naked young woman.
David asks, “Mum, what’s the photo for?
She replies, “Oh, I put that there to remind me not to eat too much.”
David then asks, “So, is it working?”
“Yes and no.” she replies. “I’ve lost 15 pounds but your father has gained 20 pounds!”
(#458) Three wise women
What would have happened if three wise Jewish women had gone to Bethlehem instead of three wise men? They would have: -
(#460) Dead What?"
Moishe was an elderly man and resided in a nursing home in Hendon. One day he went into the office and informed his nurse that his penis had died. Realizing that Moishe was old and forgetful, she decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that, Moishe," she replied.
Two days later, Moishe was walking down the hall at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. His nurse saw him and said, "Moishe, I thought you told me your penis had died."
"It has," Moishe replied, "today is the viewing."
Moishe and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Golders Green when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Moishe and says, "Hello Moishe."
Sadie immediately asks, "And who was that girl who just spoke to you?"
Moishe replies, "Oh her, that's my mistress."
"You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?" says Sadie.
"About ten years, on and off." answers Moishe.
"Ten years?", says Sadie. "You bastard! I'll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see."
"Now hold on Sadie," responds Moishe, "just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won't have our big house in Hampstead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won't be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …."
But before Moishe can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, "Hello, nice to see you again."
Sadie asks, "And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?"
Moishe replies, "No, that's Hyme’s mistress."
"You mean that Hyme also has a mistress?" says Sadie, surprised.
Moishe answers, "Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years."
Sadie then says, proudly, "I like ours a lot better."
(#462) The calculation
One day, Freda said to her husband Tony "If we were rich, we'd spend six months a year in Florida, six months a year in Eilat, and six months a year in Spain."
"But dear, I make that eighteen months in a year on holiday!" said Tony.
"Absolutely, darling. Isn't is wonderful what one can do with money these days?"
(#463) The prayers
Sadie was a Reuters journalist. One year, she was assigned to their Jerusalem office and her apartment overlooked the Wailing Wall. On her first morning, as she was getting ready to go to the office, she looked out her window and saw an old man praying vigorously, his head bobbing up and down rapidly. So Sadie, seeing an interesting story in the making, went down to talk to him.
Sadie asked him, "How often do you come here to pray?"
"Every day," he replied. "I have come here to pray on this spot every day for the last 20 years."
"You come every day to the wall? What are you praying for?" Sadie asked.
The old man replies," I pray for peace in this angry world in the morning. Then I go home, have my lunch, and come back in the afternoon. Then I pray for a world free of illness and disease."
Sadie is amazed. "How do you feel coming here every day for 20 years and praying for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
(#464) The costume
Emma was nearly 10 years old. One day, she comes home from school and says to her father, "Daddy, I need a national costume. My teacher told all of the class to come to school next Monday wearing our national costumes."
"Oy vay!" he cries. "She's not even ten, already, and she wants a mink coat!"
(#465) The test
Just before the class took their O-level maths exams, their teacher asked them the following problem to test how well they would do in the real exam: -
"A rich man dies and leaves £240,000,000 in his Will. One-third is to go to his wife; one-fifth is to go to his son; one-sixth to his chauffeur; one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"After a long silence in the classroom, Saul raised his hand.
(#466) The check-up
Moishe was 80 years old and his family decided he needed a full medical check-up. The doctor listened to his heart and then said, "Uh uh!"
Moishe did not like what he had heard and asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "I can quite clearly hear a serious heart murmur. Do you drink?"
"No," replied Moishe.
"Do you smoke?
"No." replied Moishe.
"Well then, do you have a sex life?"
"Well, now that you ask me, yes." said Moishe.
"Well then, Moishe, that’s the problem," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to give up half your sex life if you want your heart to last."
Moishe asked, "Which half should I give up, the looking or the thinking?"
(#467) The slip
One day, Jacob, a Russian Jew slipped on the wet riverbank and fell into the water. Unfortunately, Jacob could not swim and was in serious danger of drowning. Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed over. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed and just stood their watching him drown.
"Help, I can't swim," shouted Jacob.
"Then you will just have to drown," they replied.
Suddenly Jacob shouts with his last breath: "Down with the Tsar!"
The policemen immediately rushed into the river, pulled Jacob out, and arrested him for trouble making.
(#468) The question
Yankele was watching his father, a Rabbi, write one of his Shabbos speeches.
"How do you know what to say, Daddy?" Yankele asked.
"Why, son, God tells me", said the Rabbi.
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
(#469) How embarrassing!
Sadie was taking her seven year old daughter Sarah and her friend Rifka to Hebrew classes one Sunday morning and was embarrassed to hear this conversation between them.
Sarah said to Rifka, "Our family is kosher"
Rifka asked, "What's kosher?"
Sarah replied, "That's when you can't have cheese with your ham sandwich!!"
(#470) The early morning call
It's nearly four o’clock in the morning and Sadie wakes up to see her husband pacing up and down the bedroom floor.
"Moishe, come back to bed, it’s not yet morning" she tells him.
Moishe replies, "I can’t go to sleep. You know the £10,000 I borrowed from our next door neighbour, Bernie. Well, it’s due to be repaid tomorrow and I don't have the money. I just don't know what I'm going to do."
So Sadie gets out of bed and opens the bedroom window. "Bernie," she shouts on top of her voice, "Bernie, Bernie."
Finally a very tired looking Bernie opens his window and shouts, "You’re crazy, Sadie. Don’t you know it’s nearly 4 o’clock in the morning? What the hell do you want?"
Sadie shouts back, "Bernie, you know the £10,000 my husband owes you? Well, he doesn't have it."
Then she slams the window shut, turns to Moishe and says, now you can go to sleep and let Bernie pace the floor."
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