THE JEWISH JOKES OF www.awordinyoureye.com

BACK TO INDEX PAGE

go to eighteenth set

This is the seventeenth set of jokes

(#428) The large family
Max was talking to Louie. “Did you know that I’m one of 18 children?”
Louie said, “No, I didn’t. Why do you think your parents had so many children?”
Max replies, “The problem was that my mum was hard of hearing. When mum and dad went to bed each night, dad would ask, “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?”
And mum would say, “What?”

(#429) Life’s little conversations

Beckie: “You’ll be sorry – I’m going to leave you.
Morris: “Make up your mind – which one is it going to be?”

Beckie (to Sadie): “Just remember to be nice to your kids – they’ll be choosing your nursing home!”

Morris (timidly to Beckie): “We’re not going out tonight and that’s semi-final!”

Morris: “Beckie’s two hours late.
Max: “She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash or she’s shopping.”
Morris: “Oy vay! I hope she’s not shopping!”

(#430) The visit to the Rabbi
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals.”
“Why,” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but you still haven’t told me why.”
“The food wasn’t kosher.”
“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the Rabbi.
“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”
“That makes it even worse,” said the now angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”
“What, on Yom Kippur?”

(#431) Holiday email
Moishe left the cold climate of Edgware and went on holiday to Florida. His wife Becky, who was in a Bridge competition, was planning to join him in Florida the next day.
When Moishe reached his hotel, he decided to send Becky a quick email to say he’d arrived and all was well. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written the email address she had given him, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his email was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving woman checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing scream, fainted and fell to the floor with a thud. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this email on the screen:
“Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

(#432) The Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with £700 in it. At his shul, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a £50 reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner and gives him the wallet.
The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had £750 in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the Rabbi.
Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi, I trust you believe me."
The Rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Rabbi takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.
The Rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had £750 in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with £750 in it!"

(#433) Family of the devil
One Shabbos morning, during prayers, there was a loud BOOM and a sudden flash of smoke appeared in the front of the synagogue. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw this frightening figure in red, complete with horns, pitchfork and tail and a Jewish Yarmulke.
Immediately, the congregation panicked. People rushed to the back of the synagogue trying to get away. The devil watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still relaxing comfortably in the third row right side in his pew.
Angrily the devil thundered, "Do you not know who I am?"
Morris replied in a nonchalant way, "Sure I do."
The devil was extremely puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope! Not at all!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
Morris snorted, "What for? I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years!"

(#434) Humorous Tale Of Rabbi On The Run
Rabbi Bloom is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Rabbi Bloom moves closer to the boy's position and calls out to him, "Would you like some assistance?"
The little boy responds "NO!"
Rabbi Bloom continues to watch as he crosses the street and walks up behind the little fellow. He places his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, Rabbi Bloom smiles benevolently and asks, "Is there anything else I can help you with, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Yes, run like hell!"

(#435) The heat wave
One hot summer’s day in Golders Green, Jack Gold steps out of his shower and says to his wife, Hette, “It’s just too hot to wear any clothes today, honey. What do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn without anything on?”
Hette replies, “That I married you for your money.”

(#436) The lesson
Mr. Henry, the maths teacher, enters the classroom. The students are playing around after the bell. They are not in their seats. Mr. Henry decides to teach them a lesson.
He calls, "Ivan, name a two-digit number."
Ivan responds, "56."
Mr. Henry, "Why not 65? Sit down, you have a D minus. Peter, name a two-digit number."
Peter responds, "18."
Mr. Henry responds, "Why not 81? A D minus for you, too. Moishe, name a two-digit number."
Moishe responds "33."
Mr. Henry replies, "Why not.... Moishe! Stop these Jewish tricks at once!"

(#437) The promise
Moishe and Betty were sitting in a romantic restaurant in Soho. Moishe says, “Betty, I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
Betty replies, “I’ll miss you.”

(#438) Two quickies
Q:  What's a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

Morris walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "£150 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked Morris.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

(#439) Rules of Employment.
Bernie met his friend Alf in the street one day. As Alf was interested in how Bernie’s new job was going, especially as he was working for a Jewish firm, he asked. “How’s the new job going? Is it what you hoped it would be?”
Bernie replied, “Working for a Jewish firm is not all it’s cracked up to be. I handed in my notice yesterday.”
Alf asked, “Why?”
Bernie replied, “The firm is so keen to improve its profitability, it wants every part of me to contribute 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”
Bernie went on to show Alf a page taken from his Office Manual. Bernie said, “Read this, this is why I resigned.”

HOLIDAYS. Employee’s holidays are considered by the directors to be completely unnecessary. All employees should realise that they are lucky to be employed. Should anyone demand a holiday entitlement, this will be considered by the directors as being disloyal, the firm will assume that the employee must be unhappy in his/her work and will cease to be considered an asset to the firm. Dismissal will therefore have to be seriously considered by the directors.
SICKNESS. The directors will consider it a sign of weakness should an employee fall ill. It is the duty of every employee to look after his/her health and therefore be available for duty on every working day. A visit to the doctor by an employee is considered totally unnecessary. If they are well enough to visit the doctor, they are well enough to come to work.
DEATH – OTHER THAN OF THE EMPLOYEE.  If a relative or friend has died, unfortunate as this may be, there is obviously nothing more that can be done for them. Therefore, the directors will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not coming into work.  Funerals, if employees must attend them, will have to be arranged outside of working hours.
DEATH – OF THE EMPLOYEE. If an employee’s death should occur prior to the mandatory retirement age, the employee should have arranged a replacement for himself or herself before inflicting this inconvenience on the firm.
(#440) The taxi ride
Maurice Bloom had just picked up his first passenger of the evening. After about 5 minutes of driving, the passenger suddenly tapped Maurice on his shoulder to ask him a question.
Maurice screamed, lost control of his taxi, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the pavement and stopped only inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything went very quiet in the taxi, then Maurice said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me.”
His passenger apologised and said, “I didn’t realise that a little tap could scare you so much.”
Maurice replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is only my second day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the past 25 years.”

(#441) The invention
Did you hear about the Israeli doctor who has invented a pill that is a combination of a tranquilliser and Viagra. Soon after you take it, you get an urge to make love to a woman - but if you can’t find one, you just don’t care.

(#442) The complaint
Goldberg wrote this letter of complaint to the creators of a body building course.

Dear Sir,
Since taking your body building course, I now have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch neck. I feel absolutely marvellous but at the same time, I do feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Goldberg
(#443) A visit to the doctor - 1
Moishe had been married 4 times. He was now approaching 80 years old and went to see his doctor. When he was shown in to see the doctor, he said, “Doctor, I have to let you know that I am soon to get married for a fifth time – to an 18 year old girl.”
His doctor replied, “This could be fatal, you know.”
Moishe replied, “Well, if she dies, then she dies.”

(#444) A visit to the doctor – 2
Two weeks later, Moishe again visits his doctor. “Doctor, I think I’m going impotent.”
His doctor says, “Oh, and when did you first notice this?”
Moishe replies, “Last night and again this morning.”

(#445) The accident
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10 ton lorry and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, “My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside.”
“What does she read?”
“My life insurance policy.”

(#446) Advice
Morris says to his teenage daughter “There are two words I’d like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”
“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

(#447) The Rolls Royce
Hette was a very successful businesswoman. In 2001, she had such a good year that she bought herself a Rolls Royce. But a couple of weeks later, she took it back to the dealer and complained that there were odd, wheezing noises coming from the front end of the car. The dealer had the car checked and telephoned Hette. ‘We can’t find anything wrong with the car, as we expected. There’s only one possible explanation,’ he said. ‘Your chauffeur must have asthma’.

(#448) The operation
Morris was a very uneducated man, but by ruthless means became very rich. The older Morris got, the richer he got, the richer he got, the more women he had, the more women he had, the less use he was to them.
One day, Morris went to the top surgeon in the business and said, “I want to be castrated.”
“You want to be WHAT?”
“I said castrated, my sexual powers are failing. I insist you operate at once.”
The surgeon was a bit dubious, but in view of this last statement, and for a fee of £2,000, he carried out the operation.
Some weeks later, Morris was drinking in his local pub, listening to the conversation at the next table.
“I say, Barney,” said one of the group, do you think there’s any truth to the rumour that if a man gets himself circumcised, it improves his sexual performance?”
Morris quickly left the pub muttering to himself “Circumcised, that was the word I’ve been trying to think of.”

(#449) What a meal!
Shlomo went on holiday to Spain. One day, he sat in a Spanish cafe on Fiesta Day and watched the waiter serve a fragrant and attractive dish to a party at the next table.
“What is that?” Shlomo asked.
“Senor, those are the bull’s testicles from today’s bullfights.”
“They look excellent! Bring me some.”
“Senor, there is a wait! People sign up one year in advance for such a delicacy.”
“Then sign me up! I’ll be here this time next year.”
A year of anticipation later and Fiesta Day arrives again. Shlomo is in the cafe anxiously awaiting his meal. Finally, the waiter appears with two leathery little lumps covered by gravy.
“And what is this?” cried Shlomo. “Look at them! Do you call this a meal for a Jew? Last year they were fragrant and big and fluffy! What happened?”
“Senor, the bull does not always lose.”
 

go to eighteenth set

BACK TO INDEX PAGE

Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.