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go to the one hundred and seventyfirst set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and seventyth set of Jewish jokes

(#2580) A cheap joke
[My thanks to Alfred for the following joke]
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk.
She shows him a bottle costing $50.00.
“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
“What I mean,” says Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
...The clerk hands him a mirror.

(#2581) How very true!
   
•    My mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
    •    Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, without any ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting E-Coli
    •    We all took PE .....and risked permanent injury with a pair of generic gym shoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
    •    We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.
    •    We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.
    •    I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
    We weren't!!
    •    Oh yeah .... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit
    when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
    •    We played "King of the Hill" on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mom pulled out the bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mom calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat
    •    How did we ever survive?  Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.

(#2582) The learning trip to Rome
Sam and Ruben have just arrived in Rome, and are being shown around the ancient sites there. It was a fantastic tour and then to end it, the guide takes them to The Colosseum.
Ruben is in awe. He is totally taken aback by what he sees and tells Sam, “Wow! I’ve never seen anything like this before.”
“Well Ruben,” says Sam, “it shouldn’t surprise you. It’s exactly like I’ve told you many, many times before. If you don’t have sufficient capital, then you mustn’t start to build.”

(#2583) From the Bible
   
•    Noah was the first businessman mentioned in the Bible. Why? Because he floated a new Company at a time when the rest of the world was still under liquidation.
    •    Adam was the first bookkeeper mentioned in the Bible. Why? Because he turned over a new leaf and made an entry.
    •    Who was the first Chief Rabbi of the Eskimos?
    Answer: Eskimoses

(#2584) Miscellaneous
  
  •    He who uses bad language is an ignorant Schmuck.
    •    A smart Jew knows on which side his broad is better.
    •    Love thy neighbour but make sure her husband is away.
    •    You can’t judge a book by its author.
    •    It’s not the money, it’s the principal and interest.
    •    A friend in need is a pest indeed.
    •    He who never passes the buck is a miser.
    •    Practiss makes perfict.

(#2585) Now that’s what I call a Jewish mother
One day, Miriam, an attractive daughter, says to her mother Rebecca, “I’ve had enough mum - I’m divorcing Nathan.”
“Oy Veh!” says Rebecca, “Why darling?”
“Because all Nathan wants is sex, sex, and more sex,” replies Miriam. “My vagina now stands open the size of a 50p coin when it used to be the size of a 5p piece."
 After a few seconds of silence, Rebecca says to Miriam, “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman! You live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Hampstead Garden Suburb! You drive a 200,000 Ferrari! You get 5,000 a week allowance! You take at least 6 holidays a year! And yet now you want to throw it all away over 45p?”

(#2586) THE JEWISH BRA
A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
“Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills”.

(#2587) GOLF JOKE
Moshe was about to start a round of golf and was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
Moshe said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the
twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for 5 a hole?"
Moshe admitted that he wasn't much of a betting man, but agreed to the terms.  The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. Moshe then paid him 80.
As they were walking off the 18th Green, the second guy was busy counting his 80. He then confessed to Moshe that he was the Pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
Moshe immediately revealed that he was the local Rabbi.
The Pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money to Moshe.
Moshe said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings."
The Pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Moshe said, "Well, you could come to my Synagogue on Sunday and make a donation. And if you want to bring your Mother and Father along with you, I'll marry them.”
               
(#2588) NEW JOKE
A group of seniors were sitting around at the Coffee Shop talking about all their ailments.
“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee.”
“I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said an elderly lady.     “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I'm going,” said another.
“I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings,” said a woman cheerfully.  “Thank God we can all still drive.”

(#2589) FAMILIES
 
   •    The luckiest man in the world was Adam - he had no mother-in-law.
    •    The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that there are children worse than your own.
    •    Don’t worry about senility - when it hits you, you won’t know it.
    •    Don’t allow your daughters to learn foreign languages because one tongue is sufficient for a woman.
    •    He was a good family man. Everywhere he went, he started a new family.
    •    Instead of getting married again, find a woman you don’t like and give her a house.
    •    Some parents have difficulty deciding on a name for the new baby. Others have rich relatives.
    •    Whenever your children become wild and aggressive, use a nice safe playpen, and when they calm down, climb out.
    •    If you put your head around your child’s door to see whether it’s asleep - it was.
    •    Be nice to your children - after all, they are going to chose your nursing home.



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