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go to the one hundred and seventyeth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixtyninth set of Jewish jokes

(#2570) Good timing
Morris owns one of the most popular menswear shops in Golders Green. But one night, his shop is broken into and a lot of his best items of clothing are stolen.
When he hears what has happened, Morris's friend Arnold goes to see him.
"Oy vey Morris," says Arnold, "I've just heard that your shop was broken into and many items were stolen. What a terrible thing to have happened to such a nice guy like you. You must be terribly upset."
"Well to be honest, Arnold," says Morris, "I'm not really as worried as you think I might be."
"So nu Morris, why is that?" asks Arnold.
"Well I was lucky," replies Morris. "The thief broke into my store and stole my items at a very good time."
"Surely no time is a good time for a robbery?" says Arnold. "Why was this a good time for you?"
"Because on the day of the break-in, I had just marked everything down by 40%" replies Morris.


(#2571) Mean behaviour
Jacob believes that he is one of the most kind-hearted husbands in the world - not that his wife Naomi would always agree with such a belief as he was very mean when it came to spending any money!
One day, he and Naomi decide to take a trip to Oxford Circus. They had been walking down Oxford Street for over 45 minutes admiring all the wonderful shops when Naomi begins to feel a bit hungry. So as they pass a restaurant, Naomi hints to him by saying, "Jacob, that restaurant we just passed. What a wonderful smell of food was coming out of it. What do you think?"
Jacob wants to be kind to her, so still holding her hand, he turns around and they walk back past the restaurant again.


(#2572) Knowledge
Jonathan is talking to his friend Joshua. "I hear that you've just bought your very first computer, Joshua. How are you getting on with it?  Have you tried out Google yet?"
"I don't need to use Google," replies Joshua.
"Really?" says Jonathan. "So why is that?"
"Because my wife Rachel knows everything," replies Joshua.

(#2573) Not the best of online solutions
"Oy! Am I getting worried about my memory," says 75 year old Renee to her best friend Judith.
"Nu, so why is that?" asks Judith.
"Because every time I go online banking," replies Renee, "I just don't seem to be able to remember my bank's password. I have to try many times before I enter the right code. Do you have such broigus?"
"No I don't, Renee," replies Judith. "I've found a way around such problems."
"So what do you do then?" asks Renee.
"I changed my password to 'INCORRECT'," replies Judith. "Then, if I enter a different code, my computer tells me, "Your password is incorrect."

broigus: trouble


(#2574) Do you remember?
Benny and his friend Louis are going skiing. They load up Benny's car and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible snow storm. They pull into a nearby farm and ask the attractive lady who answers the door if they could spend the night there.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself," she explains. "But I'm recently widowed and I'm afraid my neighbours will talk if I let you two stay in my house."
"Don't worry," says Benny. "We'll be happy to sleep in your barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agrees and Benny and Louis find their way to the barn and settle in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, so they go on their way and enjoy a great weekend of skiing.
But nine months later, Benny gets a letter from a lawyer. It takes him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally realises that it's from the lawyer of the attractive widow he and Louis had met on the ski weekend. So he phones Louis and asks, "Louis, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." replies Louis.
"And did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, leave the barn, and go up to her house to pay her a visit?" asks Benny.
"Well, um, yes," Louis replies, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?" asks Benny.
"I'm sorry Benny," replies Louis, "I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Because she's just died," replies Benny, "and she's left everything to me."


(#2575) Belated congratulaions
[my thanks to Ed W for the following]
Unfortunately, Sam's wife Hetty passes away during the night. As is the Jewish custom for speedy burials, Sam immediately phone's Jake, a member of the chevrah kedushah.
Jake awakens somewhat disoriented. "Hello!!! What time is it? Oy Gevalt, it's 3am."
"Jake," says Sam, "this is Sam Rosen. My wife has just died and I need the chevrah kedushah to deal with her body."
"Sam," says Jake, "you're having a bad dream. We buried your wife 3 years ago."
"You don't understand," says Sam, "I remarried last year."
"You got married again?" says Jake. "I didn't know this. Mazel Tov!"


chevrah kedushah: burial society
Mazel Tov:Congratulations!


(#2576) I've forgotten already
[my thanks to Ed W for the following]
One day, 75 year old Shmuel, a very Orthodox man, suddenly says to his wife, "Rivkah, I've been thinking about this for 25 years already and I've finally decided to become a Christian."
"Shmuel," says Rivkah, "do what you think is best. You've obviously thought long enough about it already."
So Shmuel goes through and completes the process of conversion. The very next morning, he returns to his corner of the kitchen and starts to lay tefilin. Just then, Rivkah enters the kitchen and sees what he's doing. "Shmuel," she says, "vus machst du? Yesterday you became a Christian and today you're laying tefilin? It doesn't make any sense!"
Shmuel instantly stops what he's doing, slaps himself on his forehead and says, "Goyishe kup!"


(#2577) The Talking Centipede
[my thanks to Vivian B C for the following]
Not being married, David decides that life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he goes to his local pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy something unusual. After some discussion, he decides to buy a rare talking centipede which comes in a little white box for use as the centipede's house.
David takes the box with his new friend inside back home and finds a good place for it.
Next day, he decides he'd like to take his new pet to shul with him.
So he goes over to the box and asks the centipede, "Would you like to go to shul with me today? We will have a good time."
But there is no answer from his new pet in the box. This bothers David a bit, so he waits a few minutes and then asks again, "How about going to shul with me and receive some blessings?"
But there is still no answer from his new pet. So David waits a few more minutes thinking about the situation and then decides to invite the centipede one last time.
This time, David puts his face right up against the centipede's box and shouts, "Hey in there! Would you like to go to shul with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice is heard from inside the box. "I heard you the first time, David! I'm putting on my shoes!"


(#2578) The parachute club (a very slightly naughtier joke)
[My thanks to Peter M for the following]
Rebecca and her widowed mother Rose are having a chat on the phone. "Mummy," says Rebecca, "why don’t you do something useful with your life?"
"So nu? All of a sudden, sitting around my swimming pool, drinking good wine and relaxing is no longer a good thing?" Rose replies.
"I’m talking about something to make you get out and meet people," Rebecca replies. "Like going down to your local Senior Centre and meeting with the people there. You need to get active, mummy."
The following day, Rose decides to play a prank on her daughter and emails her, "I took your advice Rebecca and I've joined a local parachute club."
Rebecca emails back, "Are you meshuggah mummy? You’re 78 years old and now you want to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
"Yes," replies Rose, "and I’ve even got a membership card. I'll email it to you."
So Rose emails Rebecca a copy of one she’d made up on her computer.
Rebecca immediately telephones her mother. "Oy vey, mummy!  So where are your glasses? This is a membership card of a prostitute club, not a parachute club!"
"Oy, am I in trouble," says Rose, "I've signed up for at least five jumps a week!"

(#2579) An improvement at last (a very slightly naughtier joke)
[My thanks to Ron B for the following]
Reuben the tailor is fast asleep when his phone rings at 2 am. "Hello, who rings me at 2 am?" he enquires.
"Reuben, it's Solly here. I just want to tell you that I'm in bed with your daughter."
"My daughter is 35 years old - she does what she wants. Why are you phoning me at 2 o'clock in the morning to tell me that?"
"You've been my tailor for 45 years, and I just wanted to tell you that this is the first thing you've ever made that fits!"



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