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go to the one hundred and sixtyeighth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixtyseventh set of Jewish jokes

(#2550) Saychel
One day, 6 year old Becky walks up to her mother Leah, looks at her mother’s hair, and sadly says, "Oh mummy, why is some of your hair white?"
Leah replies, "Well darling, every time you do something wrong and it makes me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."
Becky thinks about this for a while and then says, "But mummy, how come all of bubbeh's hairs are white?"

saychel: common sense
bubbeh: grandmother


(#2551) Honesty is the best policy?
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Leah invites some family and friends to dinner and at the table, she turns to her 6 year old daughter Becky and says, "Darling, would you like to say the blessing?"
"But mummy, I don't know what to say," replies Becky.
"All you need do," says Leah, "is to repeat what you heard Mummy say."
So Becky bows her head and says aloud, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


(#2552) Doing what you're told to do
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Arnold and Judith, two elderly residents at the Nightingale Care Home, are sitting next to each in the lounge. Suddenly, Arnold says to Judith, "I bet you can’t guess how old I am?"
"I bet I can," replies Judith.
"Well I'll bet you can't" says Arnold.
"You’re on," says Judith with a smile. "Now please stand up so that I can properly investigate you."
Arnold does what he's told. Judith then looks him up and she looks him down.
"Now turn around," says Judith.
Arnold does what he's told and Judith looks him up and she looks him down.
"Now turn back around... and .... and drop your trousers," says Judith.
Arnold does what he's told and Judith looks him up and she looks him down. Then she says, "You are 86 years old."
Arnold is absolutely amazed and can't believe what he's just heard. "Oy Veh, Judith," he says, "you’re absolutely right. I am 86. How on earth did you work that out?"
Judith smiles at him and replies, "You told me yesterday."


(#2553) Birth time differentials
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
A group of expectant fathers, including Moshe, sit nervously in the hospital's Maternity Unit. A nurse then beckons to one of them and says, "Congratulations Mr Smith, you now have a lovely son!"
Moshe immediately drops his magazine, jumps up and cries, "Hey, what's the big idea? I got here two hours before he did!"


(#2554) Better than others
[My thanks to Malcolm C for the following]
Toward the end of the Shabbes morning service, Rabbi Joseph asks his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
Rabbi Joseph then repeats his question.
All respond this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Clive Kay, who attends shul only when the weather is bad.
"Mr. Kay, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replies gruffly.
"Mr. Kay, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"I'm 98 years old," he replies. The congregation immediately stand up and clap their hands.
"OK, Mr. Kay, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer totters down the aisle, stops in front of the pulpit, turns around, faces the congregation, and says simply, "I've outlived the momzers."


shabbes: the sabbath, which lasts from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday
shul: synagogue
momzers: bastards


(#2555) The chosen one
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
One day, all the professional staff of Finkelstein & Cohen, a London firm of solicitors, are called into the chairman's office, one at a time, until only Bernie, the newest, most junior lawyer is left sitting nervously outside.
Finally it's Bernie's turn to be called in. He enters the office and immediately notices the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.
"Bernie," asks the chairman, "have you ever slept with my secretary, Miss Ginsberg?"
"No sir, certainly not." replies Bernie. "I could never do such a thing."
"Are you absolutely sure?" asks the chairman.
"Absolutely sir," replies Bernie. "I've never laid a finger on her."
"Would you swear to that on the torah if asked to do so?" asks the chairman.
"Yes sir," replies Bernie. "I swear I've never had a sexual relationship with your secretary."
"Excellent," says the chairman, smiling at last, "Then I'd like you to be the one to fire her."


torah: the scroll containing the 5 books of Moses.

(#2556) Hong Kong visit
[My thanks to Hilary R for the following]
Hymie is visiting Hong Kong and while passing through a small neighborhood, he is surprised to see a synagogue. So he decides to go inside. Sure enough, he sees a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service is lovely and very touching.
When the service ends, the Rabbi stands at the door greeting his congregants. When Hymie goes to leave, the Rabbi says to him, "You're a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replies Hymie.
"Funny," says the Rabbi. "You no look it."


(#2557) The Bible according to children.
The following statements about the Bible were written by children. The statements have not been retouched or bad spelling corrected.
•    Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
•    The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
•    The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
•    The seventh commandment is, "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
•    David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.


(#2558) A visit to Dr Chan
Warning - a slightly naughtier joke
On his 84th birthday, Moshe gets given a gift certificate from his wife Ruth. The certificate is for a free appointment with Dr Chan, an unlicensed Chinese  doctor practicing illegally in London, but who is rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After much discussion, Ruth finally persuades Moshe to go see this doctor and the next day he drives to the doctor's address.
After a short chat, Dr Chan hands Moshe a potion and says, "This powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoonful and say aloud, '1-2-3.'  When do this, you become more manly than been before and can perform long as want."
Moshe is delighted to hear this. But before he leaves, Moshe asks Doctor Chan, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
Dr Chan replies, "Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4.' When do this, medicine not work again until next full moon."
Very eager to see if it works, Moshe returns home, showers, shaves, takes a spoonful of the medicine, and then invites Ruth to join him in the bedroom.
As soon as she enters, he takes off his clothes and loudly says, "1-2-3." Immediately, he was the manliest of men. Ruth is excited to see this and throws off her clothes. She then asks Moshe, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS WHY WE SHOULD NEVER END OUR SENTENCES WITH A PREPOSITION, BECAUSE WE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE.


(#2559) The big mistake
My wife Julie has been nagging me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Today, I finally get round to doing it while she was out and after finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
When Julie returned, she got undressed to take a shower. But before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. Oy veh! Big mistake! As she tries to stand up, she realizes that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint I had used had glued her to the toilet seat.
I got home not long after and quickly realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
There, Dr Levy got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this.) Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
Doctor Levy replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."


oy veh: oh woe is me



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