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go to the one hundred and sixtyfirst set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixtyeth set of Jewish jokes

(#2480) Global warming
[My thanks to Boris for the following]
Hannah has just got off the phone after talking to her cousin Judith who lives in Edinburgh. Judith told her that since early that morning, the snow there has been coming down very heavily and was not only nearly waist high, but was still falling. As a result, the temperature there had dropped to way below zero and the north wind had increased to near gale force.
Judith also told Hannah that her husband Maurice had done nothing all morning but look through their kitchen window and just stare. Judith said that if the weather gets any worse, she may have to let Maurice in and leave the gardening until another day.

(#2481) A true story (maybe)
When Alan King, the well known excellent Jewish comedian, was told that he had been chosen to perform before Queen Elizabeth 2. He was absolutely thrilled and started at once to practice how he would greet her.
"How do you do your Majesty. I'm honoured to meet you."
"How do you do your Majesty. I'm honoured to meet you."
And he kept on repeating this in the period leading up to his performance to ensure he wouldn't embarrass anyone.
The day of his Royal performance arrived and his comedy act went down very well. Afterwards, Alan, along with the other acts, were presented to the Queen. As she moved down the line towards where he was standing, he became very nervous.
"How do you do Mr King," said the Queen, smiling.
"How do you do Mrs Queen," he replied.

(#2482) The mirror
[My thanks to Vivian C for the following]
Just before midnight, Manny staggers home after an evening out drinking heavily with his workmates. To avoid waking up his wife Ruth, he takes off his shoes and tiptoes towards the stairs leading up to their bedroom. But he misjudges one of the steps and has to catch himself by grabbing hold of the banister. But his body swings around and he lands heavily and painfully on his toches, breaking both of the whisky bottles in his back pockets. Somehow, Manny manages not to scream out in pain. "Oy Vey!" he says to himself, "what have I done to my toches?"
To answer his question, Manny slowly stands up and limps to the hall mirror. He then pulls down his trousers and then his pants, looks at his toches in the mirror, and is shocked to see that it's badly cut and bleeding in a number of places. So he quietly looks around the house and manages to find a box of first aid plasters. Going back to the hall mirror, Manny begins to put a plaster on each place he sees blood. When he finishes, he hides the now empty elastoplast box and shuffles and stumbles his way to bed.
In the morning, Manny wakes up not only with pains in both his head and toches, but also with Ruth staring at him.
"You were drunk last night weren't you?" she asks.
"Why do you say such a horrible thing?" he replies.
"Well," replies Ruth, "it could be the front door that was left open all night; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could even be your bloodshot eyes. But mostly, it's all those pieces of elastoplast stuck on our hall mirror."

toches: backside


(#2483) What a great doctor
Miriam has just moved into a lovely new apartment in Bushey Heath. On her first day there, she meets her next door neighbour by the lifts.
"Hello," she says. "I'm Miriam, your new neighbour."
"Oh, I'm glad to meet you Miriam," replies her neighbour. "I'm Sharon. Welcome to our apartment block. Is there anything I can help you with?"
"Well, yes there is, now you ask," replies Miriam. "Can you recommend a doctor that I can register with?"
"Of course I can," replies Sharon. "His name is Dr. Minky and his surgery is just around the corner."
"Is he a good doctor?" asks Miriam.
"A good doctor? You bet he is," replies Sharon. "If you're ever at death's doorway, he'll quickly pull you through."

(#2484) It's Noah all over again
Nathan the plumber is just about to leave home to start his working day when his phone rings. He picks it up and before he can say anything, an hysterical woman's voice says, "Help me, please help me. I'm Rebecca and my house is flooding with water."
He takes down her address and says, "I'm leaving now. I'll be with you in a few minutes."
As soon as he gets there, Rebecca takes him into her kitchen which is already badly soaked, with water leaking heavily from under the sink. Then, with tears pouring down her cheeks, she says, "I've just spent a fortune having a new kitchen floor laid. And now look at it."
"Please lady, please stop crying," says Nathan. "Your crying is only making it worse."

(#2485) Comparisons
Christopher, a rough, tough looking boy is mocking little Lionel who by comparison is weak and thin. "Just look at my thigh muscles," says Christopher, banging them hard with his fists.  "And look at my biceps. Awesome aren't they?  And what about my rock hard chest, eh?  I bet you wish you had a body like mine. What have you got? Absolutely nothing as far as I can see."
At this, little Lionel bends down, opens his fly, puts his hand inside and fumbles for a while. Lionel then brings out .... the tail of his shirt. Holding the shirt end, Lionel says, "So tell me, where can you get a beautiful Armani shirt like mine that only cost £13.99?"

(#2486) I did it my way
It's the eve of Yom Kippur and Rebecca is standing up in her shul's women's balcony chanting aloud, in Hebrew of course, a key prayer of repentance - "Ashamnu, Bogadnu, Gozalnu, Dibarnu-dofie ................". And while she is chanting, she's beating herself with a clenched fist on every word she utters. But instead of beating herself on her breast, as all the women around her, and all the men on the ground floor are doing, Rebecca is beating herself on her pubis. Her friend next to her sees her doing this and whispers to Rebecca, "Becky, you're not supposed to be hitting yourself there. You're supposed to hit yourself here."
Becky replies, "Please Rachel, please leave me alone. I know what I'm doing. I'm beating myself where I sin the most!"

Yom Kippur: Jewish festival - The Day of Atonement
shul: synagogue
Ashamnu, Bogadnu, Gozalnu, Dibarnu-dofie, ......: We have trespassed, we have dealt treacherously, we have robbed, we have spoken slander, .........(these are the first of 24)


(#2487) Because I'm a man (Part 2)
(see also 65th set, joke #1411)
•    Because I'm a man, when one of my appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
•    Because I'm a man, I must hold the remote control in my hand while I watch television. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it. But once I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
•    Because I'm a man, I never think I'm lost whilst driving. I never think I should stop and ask someone. Why would I listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where I'm going?

(#2488) Oy Vey!
David, Henry and Alan, three little boys, are visiting their grandparents.
David goes over to his grandfather and asks, "Can you make a sound like a frog, zaydeh?
His grandfather, being in a kind of ill mood replies, "No David, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog right now."
So Henry goes over to his grandfather and asks, "Zaydeh, will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Once again, his grandfather says, "No Henry, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then Alan goes over to him and says, "Zaydeh, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" their grandfather asks.
David replies, with a hopeful look on his face, "Well zaydeh, Mummy told us that when you croak, we get to go to Disney World!"

zaydeh: grandfather


(#2489) Honest is the best policy
[my thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Abe, although retired, decides to augment his pension by getting a part time job. And today, he's being interviewed for a job in a solicitors office.
Human Resources Manager: "So tell me, Abe, what do you think is your greatest weakness?"
Abe: "Honesty"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Abe:  "I really don't care at all what you think."



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