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go to the one hundred and sixtyeth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftyninth set of Jewish jokes
A visit to Cain and Abel
[My thanks to Myk P for the following]
Not long after Adam and Eve had been expelled from The Garden of Eden, God decides to visit Earth to see how their first two children, Cain and Abel, are getting on. After meeting with Adam and Eve, he looks for Cain and Abel and soon finds them in a clearing with Abel lying on top of Cain's head.
"My son," says God to Abel, "why are you sitting upon your brother's head?"
Abel replies, "Because, my Lord, I am my brother's kippa."
(#2471) His first day at work
Moshe passes his Insurance Examination and quickly finds a job at the Minky Insurance Company Ltd. At 9.30am on his first day at work, he's called into the office of Mr Minky, the firm's President.
"Welcome to our firm," says Mr Minky. "I hope you'll have a great and successful time with us."
"Thank you sir," replies Moshe. "I'll do my best for you."
"I'm sure you will," says Mr Minky. "OK then, here is your first test. I'd like you to contact Sir Joe Leon and try to sell him one of our policies. My secretary will give you his contact details. Several of our agents have tried to do this in the past, but without success. Maybe you'll have a better approach. But take my advice - if he agrees to open such a Policy with us, it would be advisable for you to bring back a specimen of Mr Leon's urine. Insurance companies often do this for security purposes as well as speed of completion. Best of luck Moshe."
Moshe is thrilled to be given such an early opportunity to prove his worth to the company, so he quickly gets Sir Leon's phone number and arranges to meet with him within the hour.
At 2.30 pm, Moshe returns and goes straight into Mr Minky's office with a newly signed policy in one hand and a bucket in the other.
"I've sold Sir Leon one of our policies," says Moshe.
"Mazeltov Moshe," says Mr Minky. "You seem to have done what no one else here has been able to do. But tell me - what's in the bucket?"
"Well I followed your instructions and sold Sir Leon a Group Policy."
(#2472) Who is she named after?
Leah, a 70 year old bubbeh, is on a tube train taking her granddaughter out for the day when she meets her friend Judith.
"Hello Leah," says Judith, "Is this the granddaughter you've been telling me about?"
"Yes Judith, she certainly is," replies Leah.
"I can't help noticing what a beautiful girl she is," says Judith, "and what a fantastic smile she has. So what's her name?"
"Her name is Shelly," replies Leah, kvelling.
"That's a lovely name," says Judith. "I suppose she was named after the famous English poet?"
"I don't know," replies Leah. "I didn't know that Shelly Temple was a poet."
kvelling: gushing with pride
(#2473) A difficult question to answer
One shabbes, during a shul service in Chelm, one of the congregants goes over to the rabbi and asks, "I was having an argument with my neighbour the other day and he told me that we Jews cannot eat Pork. Why is that, Rabbi?"
"We're not allowed to eat pork?" repeats the rabbi looking worried. "Since when was this so?"
shabbes: The Sabbath, which lasts from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday
(#2474) Mistaken identity
Many years ago, it was reported that the BBC received an enquiry which they answered as follows: -
In answer to your query relating to last week's music programme broadcast, I have to inform you that you are incorrect in your assumption.
The music you heard at the start of the programme was not, as you thought, sung by Chazan Dave. It was in fact sung by Chas and Dave.
the singer who leads synagogue services
(#2475) The overly long speech
This is how 13 year old Yitzhak ended his overly long gantzeh megillah of a barmitzvah speech: -
"........... And for making this barmitzvah day possible, I must thank the following people: Ronnie and Miriam, my very special parents; my bubbeh Talia and my zaydeh Jacob; Mr Wulwick, my super-duper Hebrew teacher; Rabbi Leo; Rebbetsin Rivkah; Chazan Gold; shammes Jones; and last but not least, Dr. Salamon, my psychiatrist."
gantzeh megillah: a long boring story or speech
rebbetsin: rabbi's wife
chazan: Cantor, the singer who leads synagogue services
(#2476) One thing better than another
[My thanks to Aaron for the following]
A Menahel in Jerusalem telephones the Melamed and says to him, "You don’t have to come in today because only 6 children have shown up due to the snow."
The Melamed replies, "That’s OK, I'm coming in anyway because in my house there’s 15 children!"
Menahel: Principal or supervisor of a religious school
Melamed: religious teacher
(#2477) Knowing the family
Our family was at a weekend getaway in the mountains, and when the power went out, I couldn't recharge my smart phone. When the battery finally died, I couldn't Google, Facebook, email, Tweet, or look at pictures. And no apps to play with. On top of that, it was raining -- so we stayed in and I began to talk to my wife Sarah and our two children for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
[my thanks to N bruh and Harvey R for the following]
Now that they have retired, Rivka and Shmuel are discussing all aspects of their future. "What would you do if I die before you?" asks Shmuel.
After some thought, Rivka replies, "I'll probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women. They might even be a little younger than me since I think I'm still quite active for my age."
Rivka then asks Shmuel, "And what would you do if I die first?"
"Probably the same thing," replies Shmuel.
(#2479) A very slightly naughtier joke
[my thanks to Vivian B-C for the following]
72 year old Yitzhak has just entered his shul and sat down when he sees Hymie, an old friend of his, sitting on the other side of the shul, with a young blonde woman at his side. At the end of the service, as he is leaving, Yitzhak sees Hymie walking away arm in arm with this woman. So he discreetly follows them into the local park and from a distance, watches them cavort around just like youngsters. When they finish locked in each other’s arms, Yitzhak thinks, "Oy, did they enjoy themselves!"
Next shabbat, Yitzhak enters his shul, sits down, and again sees Hymie, but this time with a different young woman at his side. And then, later on during the service, Hymie gets the Hagbah aliyah, and is soon holding the Torah above his head and spinning around as if he were 20 years old.
So at the end of the service, Yitzhak goes over to Hymie, congratulates him, and asks, "So what's going on with you Hymie? Are you on drugs or what?"
Hymie replies, "I don't want to talk about it here. Come with me into the Mens Room and I'll explain."
When they get there, Hymie says, "I've recently had a shmeckle transplant, donated by the family of a young man killed in a car accident."
When Hymie then shows Yitzhak his 8" strong looking shmeckle, Yitzhak says, "Oy vey, that’s fantastic," and then takes the name of the surgeon who had performed the transplant.
Within days, Yitzhak has made an appointment to see the surgeon privately. After hearing the details, Yitzhak asks, "So could I have the same operation?"
The surgeon replies, "No problem."
Yitzhak asks him, "So how much will such an operation cost me?"
"If it's the same as your friend Hymie had, it will cost you £10,000," replies the surgeon.
Yitzhak says, "Oy doctor, that's too much. I'm not as rich as Hymie."
The surgeon says, "That's OK, I have a number of penises available from £100 upwards. You choose."
Yitzhak chooses the cheapest one for £100.
Hymie and Yitzhak meet up in shul a few weeks later. Yitzhak shuffles in and Hymie goes over to him, slaps him on the back and quietly says, "So nu? How did the Operation go?"
Yitzhak replies, "It went OK, but I don’t really feel any different."
So Hymie says, "let’s go to the Men’s Room so that I can have a peep."
When Yitzhak takes it out, Hymie gives a bellow of laughter and says, "He gave you my old one!"
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