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go to the one hundred and fiftyninth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and fiftyeighth set of Jewish jokes

(#2460) A caring man
Oy Vey! 70 year old Isaac has a serious illness and his doctor has just warned him that he doesn't have many more months to live. Isaac immediately decides to leave hospital and spend the rest of his days at home with his wife Rebecca and family all around him.
One night, some weeks later, he's feeling very poorly indeed. There's also a raging storm going on outside their house with flashes of lightening and unbelievably strong winds howling all around. Isaac calls down to Rebecca to come upstairs as he has something important to tell her.
"Darling," he says, "I've never felt so bad as I do now."
"Oh no," cries Rebecca.
"I really think I'm very close to seeing my mummy and daddy again, and also my bubba and zeyda. And of course, God himself."
"Oh Isaac, Isaac," she says, crying profusely.
"And I want to be with a man of the Cloth before I die, so could you please contact Father O'Reilly at St Christopher's Church and ask him to come here as soon as possible."
"But you're Jewish, darling," says Rebecca. "Surely you mean you want me to call Rabbi Levy and ask him to come here?"
"Oh no, Rebecca," says Isaac, "You don't think I would ask Rabbi Levy to come out to see me on a dreadful night like this?"

oy vey!: Oh dear!
bubba: grandmother
zeyda: grandfather


(#2461) Business is picking up
Moshe meets his friend Nicky whilst out shopping. "Hi Nicky," says Moshe, "so how's your law firm doing these days? Are you still managing to pull in all the rich clients?"
"Well Moshe, as you've asked," replies Nicky, "I'll tell you. Business is awful. In fact it's so bad that I recently had to tell my wife that I wanted a divorce. Thank God, at least now I have a client."

(#2462) A swift solution
David goes privately to see doctor Levy for a general health check. After giving David a number of tests, doctor Levy says, "All seems OK David other than your blood pressure, which is really quite low. So I'll need to see you again in a few weeks time to re-check your blood pressure."
Dr Levy then gives David his invoice for the morning's work.
David's blood pressure rises immediately!

(#2463) Jewish childbirth as experienced by Jewish mothers-to-be
If you're a Jewish mother-to-be, do you know what a Jewish delivery is going to be like? You don't? Well don't worry. At the first sign of pain, the doctor will give you an injection that makes you go to sleep. Then, once the baby has been safely delivered and the hairdresser has arrived, the doctor will wake you up. Mazeltov!
 
(#2464) The hotel guest
Moshe and his wife Sadie have booked a 7 day stay at the very famous and exclusive 5 star Claridges Hotel in London. After a long and exhausting flight from New York, they arrive at the hotel at 11pm and after signing in, they go straight to the expensive suite they have booked - aptly called the Claridge's Suite.
Next morning, after breakfast, Moshe goes to Reception and says to one of the staff on duty, "Could you let me have some of your headed stationery please."
Not being on duty the previous evening, the receptionist does not recognise Moshe, so he asks, "Are you a guest at this hotel, sir?"
Moshe replies, somewhat loudly and indignantly, "A guest? You think I'm a guest? I'm paying over £2,000 a day to stay here! So no, I am certainly not a guest."

(#2465) It's not what you think
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Sadly, Morris has just booked his ageing father into a Nursing Home. The Home is some distance away and Morris can't visit his father too often. Nevertheless, 3 days after leaving his father there for the first time, Morris makes an unannounced visit to see how his father is getting on. As soon as Morris walks into his father's room, there was his father sitting on the edge of his bed with two very attractive nurses on each side of him. As Morris watches, his father starts to lean over to the nurse on his right, and almost immediately, the nurse on that side snuggles up close to his father and gently pushes him into a straight sitting position. Then a few moments later, his father starts to lean over to the nurse on the other side. Again, almost immediately, the lovely nurse on that side gently pushes against his father and gets him sitting upright.
Morris walks over to the bed, kisses his father and says to him, "Shalom Dad, I’m so glad these two lovely gorgeous nurses are taking such good care of you. I bet you are really enjoying yourself having them so close to you." 
At that, his father beckons Morris to come nearer and when Morris does, his father whispers to him, "Oy vay iz meer, sie lozzen mir nich fartzen!"

Shalom: Peace be with you
Oy vay iz meer, sie lozzen mir nich fartzen: Oh woe is me, they won't let me fart.


(#2466) This I've never seen before
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
One day, as soon as Morris returns home from his office, his wife Becky meets him in the hallway and says, "So tell me already, Morris. Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't," replies Morris.
Becky gives him a lovely smile, unbuttons the top 3 buttons of her blouse, reaches down into the cleavage and pulls out a crumpled twenty pound note. She gives it to him and says, "Nu?"
Morris takes the crumpled note from her, smiles approvingly, and says, "Nice one darling."
Becky then asks him, "So tell me Morris. Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he replies.
Becky gives him another smile, pulls up her skirt, and takes out a crumpled fifty pound note from her panties. "Nu?" she says again.
Morris takes the crumpled note from her, smiles even more approvingly, and says, "Another nice one darling."
Becky then says to him, "OK bubbelah, so now tell me. Have you ever seen thirty-thousand pounds all crumpled up?"
"No! Never ever have I seen thirty-thousand pounds all crumpled up," he replies, "and nor do I ever expect to."
On hearing his response, Becky says to him, looking very worried, "So please go look in the garage, darling."
"Oy gevalt!" says Morris.

nu?: well?
bubbelah: term of endearment
oy gevalt!: an expression of shock, dismay, anxiety  


(#2467) One thing leads to another
David's 12 year old grandson Paul comes to visit him holding an expensive looking harmonica in his hand. "Zeyda," says Paul, "look what dad bought me. I've always wanted a real harmonica and now I've got one. Do you want to hear me play it?"
"Of course I do," replies David. "It's a lovely present and you know that I love all kinds of music. But before you show me how well you can play it, let me tell you a story about why music is very important to us. Did you know that music once saved my life?"
"No I didn't," replies Paul. "So what happened zeyda?"
"Well Paul," says David, "many years ago we had a very bad flood here in Edgware. It was so bad that water was pouring into our house so quickly that it got up to our waists. I soon realised that your bubbeh and I had to get out of the house very quickly or we would both drown. So I lifted your bubbeh onto the dining room table and pushed her and the table out of the house. Luckily, she floated to safety."
"And what about you, zeyda, how did you then get out?" asks Paul.
"I accompanied her on the piano, that's how," replies David, smiling. "Now show me how well you can play your new harmonica."

zeyda: grandpa
bubbeh: grandma


(#2468) What the archaeologists found
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following joke]
One day, archaeologists from the Minky University in Jerusalem are taken by surprise when out of the blue they are called into action to help investigate a very extensive tomb just discovered under the City.
They start digging as soon as they arrive at the site and it isn't long before they breach the inner rooms and find the sarcophagus. They immediately cut the seals around the sarcophagus and just as they are opening it, they hear a strange sound coming from inside. It sounds just like a voice.
As they expected, inside the sarcophagus they find a tightly wrapped body of a Mummy. So they start the arduous task of carefully unwrapping yards and yards of linen cloth - all the time with the strange voice coming from inside the Mummy getting louder and clearer.
Finally, when all the cloth has been removed, the voice is now loud and clear enough to understand. This is what they hear. "Drea mich ariba…. Drea mich ariba."
Gently, the archaeologists turn the Mummy over as requested by the voice and now they hear the new words, "kush in toches arein, kush in toches arein"

drea mich ariba: turn me over
Kush in toches arein! (taboo): Kiss my behind! (said to somebody who is annoying you)


(#2469) It's obvious, isn't it?
One Sunday morning, whilst out shopping in Bushey, Moshe meets his friend Irving Rosenbaum.
"Hi Irving," says Moshe. "I'm glad I've met you."
"So nu? Why is that?" asks Irving.
"Because I saw your firm's advert in this week's Jewish Chronicle," replies Moshe, "and it gives your firm's name as

HODGE, JONES AND ROSENBAUM.
FINEST SOLICITORS IN LONDON

"So didn't you like the advert?" asks Irving.
"Yes, it was a good advert," replies Moshe, "but I thought you were the senior partner at the firm. Your name should be at the front. Has anything happened to have your name relegated to last position?"
"No, of course not, you silly shmuck," replies Irving, "don't you know that most of my clients read from right to left?"

shmuck: a stupid person, (also penis)








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