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go to the one hundred and fiftyeighth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftyseventh set of Jewish jokes
Rye Bread - a slightly naughty joke
It's Sunday morning and as usual, 80 year old Benny is walking slowly to the Edgware shops to get some lox, humous, chopped herring and some bagels. Halfway into his walk he sees his 81 year old friend Morris walking briskly towards him. Morris is wearing running shorts, trainers and a T-shirt.
When they meet, Benny says, "Hi Morris, are you about to go on your morning run?"
"No," replies Morris, "I've already completed my 5 mile run. I'm now just winding down."
"Wow!" says Benny, "I don't know how you can do this at your age. I can't see any sweat on you and you're not even out of breath. What's your secret? Where does all your energy come from?"
Morris always loves bragging about his fitness, so he replies, "Well Benny, if you really want to know, I eat rye bread every day, from first thing in the morning to last thing at night. I just love rye bread. If you did the same thing, it would not only help to keep your energy levels high, but also, once you have a high energy level, you'll develop amazing love-making capabilities. I must go now Benny. Best of luck - and don't forget the rye bread."
As soon as Benny gets to the shops, his first port of call is Grodzinski, the famous bakery. As he's searching on the shelves for the rye bread, a saleslady goes over to him and politely asks, "Can I help you sir?"
"That's very nice of you," replies Benny. "Yes, I do need some help. Do you have any rye bread?"
"Of course we do," she replies with a lovely smile. "We have a whole shelf of it. Would you like me to get you a loaf?"
"Yes," replies Benny. "Please get me five large loaves of your best rye bread."
"Oy vey," she says. "Five loaves! By the time you get to start eating the third loaf, it'll be hard."
On hearing this piece of news, Bennie says to her, "I just can't believe everybody knows about this but me."
lox: smoked salmon
humous: a thick spread made from mashed chickpeas, tahini, lemon juice and garlic; used especially as a dip for pita.
Grodzinski: Kosher bakers established in 1886
(#2451) The 37 year old Bonds
50 year old Moshe had been given some Israeli Bonds as one of his barmitzvah presents and now, 37 years later, he wants to find out what they are worth. So he phones STATE OF ISRAEL BONDS UK.
"Can I help you?" asks the voice on the end of the line.
"I would like to talk to someone about some Bonds I've had for many years," replies Moshe.
"OK," says the voice, "are you looking for redemption or conversion?"
"Hey! what organisation am I talking to?" asks Moshe. "The Israeli Bonds Office or the Christian Missionary Society?"
(#2452) The journey's flaw
Miriam has just returned from her first trip to Israel and is talking to her friend Leah about the trip. "It was a marvellous holiday," says Miriam, "let down only by my journey there."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," says Leah. "So how did you fly there? By chartered flight?"
"No Leah, I didn't fly there on a chartered flight." replies Miriam.
"Then did you manage to go there as part of a special group?" asks Leah.
"No Leah," replies Miriam, "I didn't fly to Israel with a group."
"Well then, did you manage to negotiate a nice discount when you booked the flight?" asks Leah.
"No. There was no discount available," replies Miriam.
"Oy Vey!" says Leah. "Do you mean to tell me that you travelled to Israel retail?"
(#2453) How to buy a pearl necklace
In a few days time it will be Victor and Kitty's 30th wedding anniversary and Victor decides to buy her a string of pearls as a surprise present. He goes into an expensive West End jewellers shop and asks the assistant to show him a selection of pearl necklaces.
After being shown some very average looking pearl necklaces, Victor asks the assistant to show him something a bit better. So the assistant goes away and returns with a very expensive looking box.
He opens the box, points to the pearls inside and says to Victor, "Just look at the quality of this necklace. This is our best and most expensive pearl necklace. All the pearls in it are 100% cultured."
"Cultured, shmultured," says Victor, "who cares whether the pearls are cultured? All I want to do today is buy my gorgeous Kitty some nice looking pearls. Let someone else pay for their University education, not me.
(#2454) Jewish hardship
Ruth meets her friend Estelle in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Hi Estelle," says Ruth, "I haven't seen you in weeks. How are things with you? I hear that you've had some serious problems recently."
But before Estelle can answer, Ruth goes on, "Is it true that your husband Phillip ran off with his young secretary?"
"Yes, Ruth, it's true," replies Estelle. "But that isn't all. My gorgeous daughter Suzy then gets herself pregnant - and she's still single! Then my clever handsome son Paul, who was doing so well in Law School, suddenly decides to drop out of college and become a Jewish comedian. Then our business goes kapput, and now, on top of all the stress I'm having to cope with, you'll never guess what."
"What is it?" says Ruth. "So tell me already."
"I've got the decorators in," replies Estelle.
(#2455) Honesty is the best policy
David is busy on his computer when his phone rings. "Yes, can I help?" says David.
"I'd like to speak to Naomi Gold," says the caller. "Could you put me onto her please."
"I'm sorry," replies David, "but you've rang the wrong number. This is David Minkoff speaking and I'm currently updating my Jewish jokes website."
"Are you sure Naomi isn't there with you?" asks the caller.
"Of course I am," replies David. "Have I ever lied to you before?"
(#2456) When you wish upon a star
[My thanks to Bob K for the following]
Some years ago, Israel's Finance Minister was charged by the Prime Minister to continue to fund the defence of Israel without raising taxes. Cash was running low after years of struggle.
Desperately, the Finance Minister goes to the IMF and asks for a loan. Naturally, they ask him for some collateral. Inspired, he offers them the Star of David symbol.
The IMF look at it and say to him, "OK, we'll lend you $1m for it."
"But it’s priceless," the Finance Minister protests. "It’s been the symbol of my race for thousands of years and is entirely unique. Don't you know who I am? I am the Finance Minister of Israel."
The IMF reply, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
(#2457) It's over and out
Miriam the bride goes down the aisle and reaches the chuppah. There, standing in front of her, as he should be, is Daniel her future husband. But you can imagine what a shock Miriam gets when she sees that Daniel is standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. Miriam immediately says to him, "What on earth are your golf clubs doing here Daniel? Are you serious or what?"
Daniel looks straight at Miriam, eye-to-eye, and replies, "Surely this isn't going to take all day, is it?"
chuppah: wedding canopy
(#2458) Two Riddles
[My thanks to Gershon for the second riddle]
Q: What is a bris?
A: A surgical procedure that eventually gets transformed into a catered affair.
Q: Why do we wish every kallah and every chossen the happiness of Adam & Eve?
A: Because Adam & Eve didn't have any in-laws.
bris: circumcision ceremony
(#2459) Facts relating to Jewish holidays
[My thanks to Vivian BC for the following]
Fact#1: As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
Fact#2: On Jewish holidays, most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
Yiddish Proverb #1
[Note: The following proverb was extracted from the 1963 book, "Yiddish Proverbs" edited by Hanan J. Ayalti and published by Schocken Books, New York.]
Az men redt a sakh, redt men fun zikh
(Talk too much and you talk about yourself)
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