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go to the one hundred and fiftyseventh set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and fiftysixth set of Jewish jokes

(#2440) Please get married - 1
[My thanks to John T for the following]
30 year old Moshe remains unmarried. His mother had passed away a few years earlier and he currently lives in a nice apartment just a few miles from his father Jacob. But then, out of the blue, Jacob visits Moshe and gives him some terrible news.
"Look Moshe," says Jacob, "It's important for you to find a wife as soon as possible."
"Why is that, dad?" asks Moshe.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this son, but Doctor Levy has told me that I've got cancer and have only two years at most to live. So I'd love to see you get married before I pass away. Not only will you be doing a great mitzvah if you do this, but you'll also never ever have to worry about money because I've accumulated a very significant sum from my investment business - millions in fact. So please Moshe, please let me see you get married before I pass away."
With tears running down his face, Moshe hugs and kisses his father and says to him, "I'll really try dad, really. I promise."
A few weeks later, during a business meeting he's attending on the subject of 'Stock Exchange Investments', Moshe notices the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and immediately falls in love with her. He goes over to her and says, "Hi, I'm Moshe and I've fallen in love with you. Would you like to tell me your name?"
"My name is Rebecca," she replies, smiling.
"What a lovely name," says Moshe. "So let me be honest with you Rebecca. You might think that I'm just your average guy, but let me assure you I'm not because in a year or two from now, my sickly father, whom I dearly love, and who lives on his own, is likely to die from cancer and when he does, I'm going to inherit millions of pounds."
They continue chatting and when it's time to depart, Rebecca asks Moshe for his business card. One month later, Rebecca becomes Moshe's stepmother.
[The moral of this story is that Financial Planning is not only a man's strength.]

mitzvah: Good deed


(#2441) Please get married - 2
[My thanks to Malcolm C for the following]
For many years now, Harry and his wife Kitty have been waiting to see their 35 year old son David get married. But nothing seems to be happening on the chuppah front. So they enlist the help of a shadchen named Rachel.
Later that week, Rachel visits David and after finding out some facts about him, Rachel says to him, "there's no need for you to wait any longer for the right girl to appear. I have a lovely young lady in mind who I'm sure will be perfect for you. And before you know it, you'll be married and your parents will be very pleased. So shall I arrange for you to meet this lady?"
"No thank you," replies David. "There's absolutely no need to bother because I have two sisters living with me who have always been willing to take care of me."
"Well that's nice to hear," says Rachel, "but surely all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a loving wife?"
"I know I said two sisters," replies David smiling, "but I didn't say they were my two sisters, did I?"

chuppah: a wedding canopy
shadchen: matchmaker


(#2442) Two important questions
[My thanks to Abe S for the following]
Q1: Where can single Jewish men over the age of 50 find younger Jewish women who are interested in them? 
A: Look under FICTION in your local bookshop

Q2: What can a Jewish man do while his wife is going through the menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the room in the attic because when it's completed, he'll have a place to live. 

(#2443) Satan's questions
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
A few minutes before the Kol Nidre service is scheduled to start, and just as the shul's congregation is sitting quietly waiting for the service to begin, Satan suddenly appears. Instantly there is total panic. Members begin running towards the exits screaming. Many are trampled on as they fall in their frantic effort to get away from the devil. And within minutes, the shul is empty - empty that is except for Morris, a grey-haired 75 year old man who remains sitting calmly in his seat.
Morris seems totally unaware that he has God's ultimate enemy in his presence. Satan, seeing that Morris is the only one remaining in the shul, walks over to Morris and in a booming voice says, "Do you know who I am?"
And in the standard Yiddish manner, Morris replies, "Do you know who I am?"
"You should fear me like the others do," says Satan. "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"No, certainly not" replies Morris.
"But surely you realise that I can kill you instantly without a word being said?" says Satan.
"So nu already, be my guest," replies Morris calmly.
"But don't you know that if I want to, I can cause you unbelievably, horrifying agony for all of eternity?" asks Satan.
"Big deal," replies Morris calmly.
"And you still say that you're not afraid of me?" asks Satan.
"No way," replies Morris.
Morris's replies so shock Satan that he asks Morris one more question, "So tell me already. Why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Because I've been married to your sister for over 50 years!" replies Morris very calmly.

(#2444) Redecoration or what
This week, Hetty has the decorator in to repaint the inside of her house. But on the first day, when her husband Hymie comes home from work, he unfortunately touches the freshly painted bedroom wall and leaves an ugly mark on it.
"Oy vey Hymie," she says to him. "Couldn't you have been more careful? Just look at what you've done. Now I've got to tell the decorator when he arrives tomorrow that he's got to redo this wall. I just hope he'll do it without an extra charge."
So the next day, as soon as the decorator arrives, Hetty goes over to him and with a lovely smile on her face quietly says, "Can I show you where my husband put his hand last night?"
The decorator looks at Hetty, sighs, and says to her, "Look, lady, I've got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

(#2445) How should I know?
[My thanks to Cliff L for the following]
Morris phones British Airways. "Yes, can I help you?" asks the BA booking clerk.
"I'm looking to book a flight to Tel Aviv for this coming Sunday," says Morris, "and I wondered whether there are any seats still available."
"Before I can answer that," says the BA clerk, "I need to know how many people are going to fly with you."
"Oy vey, what a silly question to ask," replies Morris. "How should I know - it's your aircraft, not mine?"

(#2446) At the beach
[My thanks to Linda F for the following version of my earlier joke #575 in the 24th set of jokes]
One sunny afternoon, as Estelle and her young grandson Benny are on the beach, a  tidal wave suddenly sweeps Benny away from her and hurls him far out into the depths of the ocean. Benny quickly disappears.
Crying profusely, Estelle bows down, kneels in the sand, and immediately starts praying to God for the return of her grandson. "Dear God, I have always been a good woman, a good Jew and a loving bubbeh. So please please return my grandson Benny to me in one piece and breathing."
Just as she finishes her prayer, another gigantic wave crashes down on the beach, this one returning Benny to his bubbeh's side.
Estelle immediately begins to cry again, this time in happiness, and she tightly hugs Benny, the grandson that she thought she would never see again. As she looks lovingly at Benny, she is overcome with joy and gratitude. Then suddenly, Estelle looks up at the sky and shouts, "But he had a hat!"

bubbeh: grandma


(#2447) You know you grew up Jewish when:
[My thanks to Vivian BC for the following]
•    You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess."
•    You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone  calls roast beef "brisket."
•    Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
•    Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
•    You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.
•    You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum)
•    You can look at gefilte fish without turning  green.
•    You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.
•    You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.
•    You  know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use  them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.
•    You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in  there for longer than 3 minutes.
•    You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

(#2448) Growing up Jewish - a sad story
[My thanks to Vivian BC for the following]
Moshe and Aaron, two observers, are  sent to a remote observation spot in the jungle on a two year tour of duty. There are no other human beings there and they are cut-off from society except for the very latest Apple mobile phone, iPad and printer.
One day, a female gorilla approaches them and Moshe offers it a banana. The gorilla loves it so much that it comes to them each day thereafter. Soon the three of them are getting on so well that the gorilla moves into their living quarters with them.
18 months later, when Moshe and Aaron are contacted by Head Office and told that their tour of duty was over, they are extremely upset. How can they leave their gorilla friend behind? So they discuss it and come up with the idea of smuggling their friend it into UK with them. Using plants and other natural jungle material all around them, Moshe and Aaron make some ladies clothing and a blonde sheitel and dress up the gorilla. Then they forge a passport, giving the gorilla the name Shaineh Maidel, and include a photo of the gorilla in its new clothing.
On the departure date, Moshe and Aaron get the gorilla onto the plane and eventually, many hours later, the three of them arrive at UK customs. They go through the UK citizens gate and are waived through with just a cursory glance and a comment directed at the gorilla from what must be a Jewish official, "So what’s a lovely Jewish girl like you doing with this pair of nogoodnicks?"
And then to cap it all, as soon as the three of them are outside the terminal and looking for a taxi, the gorilla runs off and disappears, never to be seen by them again. Moshe and Aaron remained very distraught for some time afterwards because the gorilla never even sent them a "Thank You" card.

sheitel: wig worn by orthodox married women
shaineh maidel: pretty girl
nogoodnick: a good-for-nothing person


(#2449) De veddin infitashon
NOTE: All following names are meant to be fictitious (honest!)

                                                       A DINNER
      TO BE GIFFEN UN DE OCCASHON UF DE VEDDIN BETWIN

                                          RACHEL GRITTER
                                                     UNT
                                        DANIEL SHMACKER


                         UN ZUNDAY, AUGIST 9

           
TOESTS VILL BE GIFFEN BY

           DE QUEEN ..........................................................MORRIE (KLUTZY) ABRAHAMS
           DE PRESIDENT UNT DE STAIT UF ISRAEL..IRIS (BALABOOSTEH) LEVY
           DE BRIDE UNT DE GRUME..............................PAUL (HAIMISHER) BERNARDOFF
           RESPONSE ........................................................DANIEL (SHMO) SHMACKER
           DE HOST UNT DE HOSTESS..........................STEPHEN (CHAZZER) MORRISON
           RESPONSE.........................................................JOE (ALTER KOCKER) SHMACKER
           DE PARENTS UF DE GRUME.........................ALAN (BALEBOSS) MORRISON
           RESPONSE ........................................................DAVID (ZAFTIG) SHMACKER
           DE ZEYDAH.........................................................HENRY (GORNISHT) GRITTER
           BENTSH  UNT  DOVEN......................................RABBI ALLAN (DOVEN) HOOK


                                          DE NOSH
         PLISS NOTE DAT DE FOOT IZ TO BE ITTEN MIT FOX UNT NIFES NOT FINGISS

                                    BREKFEST ZOSSAGE
                                    TERQUAY ROLL
                                    BISSEL UF PREST BIFF
                                    BRUN BRED UNT VITE BRED
                                    COLD SLOW
                                    TATER ZELAD
                                    RICE ZELAD
                                    COOCUMBISS
                                    KWISPS
                                    ZULTZ UNT FEFFER
                                    STRUDEL MIT 1/2 PITCH
                                    ORANGE JEWS

PLISS NOTE DAT DIS MENYU IS COPEERITE UF DE FUNKSHUNS KOMITEE (UNT DEY ARR VELCUM TO IT)




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