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go to the one hundred and fiftysixth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftyfifth set of Jewish jokes
(#2430) A day on the beach
As it's a lovely sunny day, Becky and Morris decide to take their little 3 year old son Shmuel to the beach. They find a nice place on the sands, put up their sun umbrella, sit on their deckchairs, and start to relax. Shmuel is very excited and immediately starts to run towards the sea.
"Shmuel," shouts Becky, "don't go near the water. If you do, you will drown!"
Shmuel walks slowly back to his parents.
A few minutes later, Shmuel grabs hold of his spade and starts digging in the sand.
"Shmuel," shouts Becky, "don't play in the sand. If you do, you'll get sand in your eyes and then well have to take you to the doctor!"
Sadly, Shmuel puts down his spade.
A few minutes later, Shmuel sits down on his little deckchair and starts to sunbathe.
"Shmuel," shouts Becky, "come out of the sun. If you don't, you'll get sunburnt and that could lead to skin cancer."
As Shmuel walks sadly and slowly towards the sun umbrella, Becky turns to Morris and quietly says to him, "Oy vey Morry! Such a nervous child is Shmuel turning out to be."
(#2431) Like many of their friends
(i) Like many of their friends, whenever Moishe and Hannah fly El Al, nearly all the passengers on their flight have gotten to know each other by the time their plane lands. Not only that, but nearly all the passengers have also gotten to know the pilot and discover his hobbies, his health and his marital issues.
(ii) Like many of their friends, whenever Moishe and Hannah have to visit their doctor, they end up giving their doctor advice.
(#2432) But I wish it was
Sidney meets his friend Jonathan in Golders Green. Jonathan is looking very glum so Sydney asks, "So nu my friend, what's the matter? Are you ill or something?"
"No, I'm not ill, thank God," replies Jonathan, "but I'm in shtook. I've just become totally bankrupt. My handbag business has totally collapsed; it's completely gone; it's gornisht."
"Oy gevalt," says Sidney. Last time we met, you were kvelling whilst you were telling me how well it was doing. But things can't be that bad, can they? I bet you've put all your property in your wife's name?"
"No Sidney, you're wrong," replies Jonathan. "My property is not in my wife's name. But I wish it was."
"Well then," says Sidney, "it's in your children's names then?"
"No Sidney, wrong again," replies Jonathan. "My property is not in my children's names either. But I wish it was."
When he hears this, Sidney moves close to Jonathan, puts his hand on his friend's shoulder and says, "Well Jonathan, my friend, you are certainly not bankrupt. You are totally ruined."
in shtook: in real trouble
kvelling: glowing with pride
(#2433) A trip to Oxford Street
Morris and Rivkah are taking a rare trip to London's Oxford Street. He's as mean a person as you could imagine and on this trip, as on most trips, he just walks and looks but never enters any establishment.
After an hour or so of this, Rivkah is not only frustrated but also quite hungry. So as they approach a nice looking kosher restaurant, she tries a new tactic to persuade Morris to eat there.
"Oy, Morris," she says smiling, "what do you think of that glorious food smell coming from this kosher restaurant?"
On hearing this, Morris decides to give her a treat. "Yes darling, it's a great smell. So let's walk past the restaurant again."
(#2434) A difficult issue
It's the first day at school for lovely little Nathan. As soon as his first lesson begins, the teacher tells everyone, "Listen all of you. If at any time during the lesson any one of you needs to go to the toilet, all you have to do is to hold up two fingers."
After a few moments of thinking about what he's just heard, Nathan asks, "How will that help, teacher?"
(#2435) A lovely find
[My thanks to John Armstrong for the following]
Q: Israeli archaeologists have uncovered an Egyptian Mummy coated in gold foil with milk chocolate and finely chopped nuts. Whose Mummy is it?
A: Pharaoh Rocher
(#2436) The theological argument
Rabbis Bloom, Levy, Victor and Morris regularly have theological arguments, and whenever they do, three of them are nearly always in accord against the fourth rabbi. Today, the odd rabbi out is Rabbi Victor. But this time, Rabbi Victor decides to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh God," he cries out, "I know in my heart that I was right and my colleagues were wrong! I would therefore be most grateful if you could give us a sign to prove to my colleagues that they were wrong."
Although it was a beautiful warm sunny day, as soon as Rabbi Victor finishes his prayer, a storm cloud moves across the sky above the four rabbis, rumbles once and then dissolves.
"Aha," says Rabbi Victor, "that was a sign from God. I knew I was right."
But the other three rabbis disagreed, pointing out that it wasn't unusual for storm clouds to form on hot days.
So Rabbi Victor prays again. "Oh God," he cries out, "I need a bigger sign to show my colleagues that I was right and they were wrong. Please God, please give us a bigger sign."
This time five storm clouds suddenly appear above them and rush towards each other to form one big cloud. Then a lightning bolt slams into a nearby field.
"See," says Rabbi Victor to his colleagues, "I told you I was right."
But the other 3 rabbis continue to insist that nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.
Then, just as Rabbi Victor is getting ready to ask God for a gigantic sign to end the other three rabbis' disagreement, the sky turns pitch black, the earth starts to shake vigorously, and a deep, booming voice says, "He’s Right!"
Rabbi Victor smiles, turns to the other three rabbis, and says to them, "So nu, my argument was correct was it not?"
"OK, OK, so now it’s 3 to 2," replies one of the other rabbis.
(#2437) The perfect solution
[My thanks to Abe S for the following]
Benny is getting more and more worried about his wife Sharon's aggressive behaviour towards him. So today he decides to see Doctor Levy.
"How can I help you, Benny?" asks Doctor Levy. "What's your problem?"
"I've not come about me, doctor," replies Benny. "It's mine Sharon I've come to talk about. I just don't know how to handle her anymore. Every time I'm with her, Sharon seems to quickly lose her temper for no reason at all - and it's beginning to scare me."
"Don't worry Benny," says doctor Levy. "You'll be pleased to hear that curing such behaviour is now no longer difficult."
"So what medicine are you going to prescribe for her?" asks Benny.
"I don't need to prescribe medicine for her," replies doctor Levy. "Whenever you think Sharon is beginning to loose her temper, just drink some water. But don't swallow it - just swish it around in your mouth. And keep swishing it around until Sharon calms down or else leaves the room."
"Thank you doctor," says Benny. "I will try it as soon as I get back home."
Ten days later, Benny books another appointment to see doctor Levy.
"So how is Sharon's temper problem?" asks doctor Levy.
"Your cure really works, doctor," replies Benny. "I've been swishing water around my mouth every time Sharon starts to get aggressive, and she's now almost normal. I can't thank you enough, doctor. But do tell me, how can a plain glass of water work so well?"
"I must be honest with you Benny," replies doctor Levy, "the water itself does absolutely nothing. It's you keeping your mouth shut that is the solution"
(#2438) Jewish definition
Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
(#2439) Please take
[My thanks to Harvey R and Freda D and others for the following]
Benny is close to death and knows it. He's in bed in his local hospital and around the bed are his wife Sadie, his son Morris, his daughters Leah and Fay, and his nurse Marilyn.
Suddenly, and with a weak voice, Benny starts talking to his family.
"Morris, I want you to take the Heronslea apartments over in Bushey Heath."
"Leah, I want you to take the group of houses at the bottom of California Lane."
"Fay, I want you to take the Kosher shops in the High Road."
"And Sadie, my dear lovely wife who has been so good to me all my life, please take the houses in Merry Hill Lane where the Elstree film studios used to be."
Marilyn is totally shocked when she hears of all this property, and as Benny slowly slips away, she quietly says to Sadie, "Your husband must have been an extremely hard working and successful business man."
"Why do you say this?" asks Sadie.
"Because he has accumulated such a lot of property," replies Marilyn.
"Property shmoperty," says Sadie, "Don't be silly. The shmuck had a milk round."
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