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go to the one hundred and fiftyfifth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftyfourth set of Jewish jokes
(#2420) Mistaken identity
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Harry is one of the friendliest people around. He's always looking for opportunities to help, no matter how trivial the situation. Today, he's doing some shopping in Sainsbury's Supermarket when he sees a mother with a young son in the confectionary section. The boy had just taken a bar of chocolate from the shelf and his mother is shouting at him, "Peter, put that down at once. You know it's not kosher."
As the boy is quietly putting the chocolate bar back on the shelf, Harry goes over to her and says, "Shalom madam. Did you know that Sainsbury's has a nice kosher section here in the store. Would you like me to show you where it is?"
"No thank you," she replies. "Why on earth would I want to go to the kosher section? I'm not Jewish."
"Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know," replies Harry. "But why did you tell your boy to put back the chocolate bar because it wasn't kosher?"
"Because I'm always hearing the Jewish mothers say that to their children, and it always works for them." she replies.
(#2421) Watch Me Compete
Renee and Fay are having lunch in the magnificent but very expensive ROYAL KOSHER restaurant in Golders Green when Renee points to her bare wrist and says, "You von't believe it, Fay, but mine new solid gold wrist vatch dat I showed you last veek stopped vorking just before I left de house dis morning. The vatch is only a few veeks old, so I took it back to Tiffany for repair just before I met you. Vud you tell me please de time?"
"Of course, Renee," says Fay, as she looks at her own large gold wrist watch. "It's just gone eight rubies past five diamonds."
(#2422) A possible Airline merger?
I'm not sure whether this story is true, but I heard that El Al were planning to take over Alitalia. And do you know what they had decided to call the resulting airline?
VEL AL TAL EUR Airways
Joshua has just turned 80 and his family are holding a party to celebrate the event. But talking to his children and grandchildren during the party, Joshua realises for the first time that his memory is seriously in decline. This worries him greatly and so the following day, he goes to see doctor Levy.
"I'm really worried about how my age is beginning to affect my memory," Joshua says to doctor Levy.
"In what specific way?" asks doctor Levy. "Can you give me an example?"
"Well," replies Joshua, "my memory has always been very good indeed, but lately it's been failing me. I'm having a hard time remembering even basic things. For example, during my 80th birthday party yesterday, I couldn't even remember the names of my grandchildren, or where they lived. It's very worrying!"
"Well I wouldn't worry too much about it," says doctor Levy. "It sounds like you'll forget all about it tomorrow."
(#2424) Some Jewish folk sayings
• Whenever a boring person leaves a room, those remaining feel as if somebody fascinating has just entered.
• A rabbi whose congregation doesn't want him to leave their shul for good is not a rabbi. But a rabbi whose congregation force him to leave their shul for good is not a man.
• A little coitus, never hoitus.
• Life without humour is like life without legs.
• You can hear laughter much further away than you can hear crying.
• Whenever a father needs to help his son, both of them laugh; but whenever a son needs to help his father, both of them cry.
• Insanity is actually hereditary - you get it from your children.
• Gossip is when three women stand on a corner talking, and then one of them leaves.
• Whenever you go into a restaurant, it's always a good idea to ask for a table near a waitress.
(#2425) Pay or else
[My thanks to Vivian BC for the following]
Out of the blue, Morris's boss tells him to go to Eastbourne to complete a business deal. As he has yahrtzeit the coming shabbes, Morris goes to the local shul in Eastbourne, explains his situation to the shammes, and then asks, "So is it possible for me to have the maftir aliyah this shabbes in your shul?"
The shammes looks in his diary and replies, "I'm very sorry, but the maftir aliyah has already been promised to one of our shul members."
"I fully understand the situation," says Morris, "but if I were to donate £20,000 to your shul fund, perhaps you could persuade your congregant to have another aliyah at another time?"
"I can't make such decisions," says the shammes," but wait here while I talk to the shul president and see what he has to say about it."
As soon as the shul president is advised, he tells the shammes, "Yes, please give the businessman the honour."
The shammes returns to Morris and says, "You'll be pleased to hear that we can give you maftir aliyah this shabbes. But as it's on shabbes, how will your donation be paid?"
"After shabbes is over, just come to the Grand Hotel," replies Morris. "That's where I'm staying. I'll then hand over a signed and certified cheque."
Early the following Sunday morning, the shammes drives to the Grand Hotel only to discover that Morris has just checked out. Reception tells the shammes that Morris had learned of an urgent matter and had left for Eastbourne Station only a few minutes earlier.
So the shammes gets back in his car and drives to the station where he catches Morris just about to board the train for London. But when the shammes asks Morris for the cheque, he's told it was impossible to arrange it at such short notice. "I'll post it to you as soon as I return, I promise," says Morris.
On hearing this, the shammes holds open the train's door to stop the train from leaving and says, "I knew I shouldn't have trusted you."
A Railway policeman is called to help out because a train is being delayed by a passenger. The policeman asks the shammes what was going on. The shammes explains, "this stranger comes to our shul and asks to have the maftir. We gave it to him and he promised to make a donation of £20,000 by cheque, but he has not given us the cheque."
The policeman turns to Morris and says, "Please give this man the £20,000 cheque you owe him, or else give him back the maftir.
yarhzeit: Anniversary of a death
shammes:a synagogue's beadle/sexton
Maftir aliyah: During the Shabbat Torah service, 7 men are called by the Torah service coordinator to "come up" to the Torah for an aliyah (honour). There is one aliyah for each portion of the Torah that is chanted. An additional aliyah, designated the Maftir aliyah, is given to the person who will read the Haftorah. The Haftorah is a chapter of Prophets that is designed to express poetically and prophetically the messages included in the Torah reading for the day.
(#2426) The medical test (a slightly naughty joke)
[My thanks to Paul M for the following]
Moshe Levy is lying in bed in a Tel Aviv hospital wearing an oxygen mask tightly over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse soon appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," mumbles Moshe from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Mr Levy. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
Moshe struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that Moshe might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises Moshe's gown, moves his manhood to one side, looks very closely at his testicles and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Mr Levy. They look fine."
Moshe looks at her for a few seconds, then slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says, very distinctly, "Thank you very much nurse. That was wonderful. You have very soft and silky hands. But now listen very, very carefully to what I'm saying: Are - my - test - results - back?"
(#2427) ZI GAZUNT (Get Well)
[the following was written by the poet Estelle Seltzer. Other poems by her are on this website]
You’re feeling Nishgoot not well at all
Dr. Moishe is golfing he isn’t on call
There is another remedy if such is the case
There is always something else to take Moishe’s place
Yiddisheh penicillin is just what is needed
Taken several times it must be repeated
It’s a guarantee to help you recoup
It’s a prescription for bubby’s wonderful chicken soup
It’s a michel in bichel (delicious in your stomach)
And will do the trick
IT’S THE JEWISH PANACEA FOR ANYONE SICK
(#2428) You're right!
Jonathan and Daniel are having an argument about their shul's policy on donations. But 20 minutes later, after much shouting and waving of arms, neither of them could truthfully say that they were winning the argument. So they agree to ask Rabbi Cohen for his views. Not long afterwards, they get an appointment to see Rabbi Cohen at his home.
Rabbi Cohen and his wife Sarah take Jonathan and Daniel into their lounge and get them to sit down.
"So tell me already," asks Rabbi Cohen, "why did you both want to see me? What exactly is the problem that's causing you both so much anguish?"
Jonathan is first to present his case and he talks for about 5 minutes ending with, "and that's why, rabbi, I think I'm correct."
Rabbi Cohen thinks for a while, then replies, "Umm, I think you are right, Jonathan."
Rabbi Cohen then looks at Daniel and asks, "And what about you, Daniel. So what's your view of the problem?"
"Well, rabbi, I think Jonathan is totally wrong," replies Daniel. And he then spends the next ten minutes explaining the problem from his point of view.
"And that's why, rabbi, I think I am the one that's correct," says Daniel.
Rabbi Cohen thinks for a while, then replies, "Umm, I think you are also right, Daniel."
At this point, Sarah feels she just has to say something. "Rabbi," she says calmly, "these lovely gentlemen sitting opposite you can't both be right. It can't be justified. I think you must here and now make a decision on one or the other of them."
Rabbi Cohen thinks for a while, then tugging his beard replies, "Do you know what Sarah? You are also right."
(#2429) That's how to do it
[My thanks to Cliff JL for the following]
Morris, the owner of a well established and respected third generation family-owned clothing empire meets with his Board of Directors. Due to the recession, business has been very bad - sales are down and costs are up. Morris and his wife Sarah had poured every penny they had back into the business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but things still looked very precarious. And as his Board of Directors could offer no solution, Morris goes to seek advice from Rabbi Levy as a last resort.
With tears running down his face about the three generations of family sacrifice that had gone into building his once-thriving business, Morris pours out the story to his Rabbi. He ends by asking, "So Rabbi, what should I do?"
Rabbi Levy, an old and very wise man, says nothing for a while as he thinks of a solution. Then he quietly replies, "So here's vat I vant you should do. Get a beach chair and a Bible and put dem in your car. Drive down to the water's edge and sit in dis beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap. Then let the sea vind riffle the pages of the open Bible. And ven the pages stop turning in the vind, I vant you should look down at dat page and read the first thing you see. And dat vill be vat you must do," pronounces Rabbi Levy with great certainty.
A year passes and Morris and Sarah pay a return visit to Rabbi Levy in their brand new Lexus sports car. Morris is wearing a new £1,000 handmade suit, and Sarah looks stunning in her new Dior outfit. Immediately, Morris slips an envelope stuffed with money into the Rabbi's pocket and whispers, "Rabbi, this is a little something for you and your wife. There's also a cheque for £5,000 toward your congregation."
"So Morris," says Rabbi Levy, "you did vat I said you should do?"
"You vent to the beach?" asks Rabbi Levy.
"Yes I certainly did," replies Morris.
"And you sat in the beach chair as I said you should, vit the Bible open on your lap?" asks Rabbi Levy.
"Yes Rabbi, absolutely," replies Morris.
"And you let the vind riffle through the pages until they stopped?" asks Rabbi Levy.
"Yes Rabbi, I certainly did," replies Morris.
"And vat vere the first words that you read on that page?" asks Rabbi Levy.
"Chapter Eleven," replies Morris.
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