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This is the fourteenth set of jokes

(#362) The four questions
The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

(#363) Have I?
Moishe, an elderly man, goes to a brothel and tells the madam that he would like a beautiful, young lady for the night. The madam gives him a quick look-over and is rather puzzled. So she asks him, "How old are you?"
"Why," replies Moishe, "I'm 98 years old today."
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh," he says, "in that case, how much do I owe you?"

(#364) Perfect?  The story of Moshe and Hette Cohen - Mr & Mrs perfect
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

(#365)  Riddle
Q:  What is Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A:  It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

(#366) Surprise, surprise
Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he's never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, "Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!"

(#367) Motherly love
Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, "Your son has an Oedipus complex."
"Oedipus Shmedipus," answers Freda, "As long as he loves his mother."

(#368) Advertisement in the Jewish Chronicle
Mr & Mrs Moshe Levy are pleased to announce the birth of their beloved son, Doctor David Levy."

(#369) Get up at once
Freda goes into her son's bedroom. "You've got to get up for school, Yossi."
Yossi pulls the blankets over his head and replies, "I don't want to go to school, mother."
"But you have to," Freda said.
"I don't want to. The teachers don't like me and all the kids make fun of me." Freda pulls the blanket back a little, "Yossi, you don't have any choice. You've got to get up for school."
"OK, OK", says Yossi, "But only if you give me one very good reason!"
"You're 52 years old and you're the headmaster."

(#370) A step up the ladder
Maurice, a young Jew comes to North London and applies for a job as caretaker at the Edgware Synagogue. The synagogue committee were just about to offer him the job when they discover that he is illiterate. They decide for many reasons that it would be inappropriate to have an illiterate caretaker. So Maurice leaves and decides to forge a career in another business. He chooses to sell plastic goods door to door. He does well and soon is able to buy a car and later, to open a store, and then a second. Finally he is ready to open 5 more stores and so applies to the bank for a loan. But when the bank manager asks him to sign the contract, it was obvious that he could not write. Shocked to discover that this successful young man had little education, the bank manager says, "Just think what you could have been if you had learned to read and write."
"Yes," says Maurice, "I would be caretaker at Edgware synagogue."

(#371) How to get richer
A Hebrew teacher in Chelm declared one day: "If I was Rothschild I would be richer than Rothschild." "Why?" "Because I would give Hebrew lessons on the side."

(#372) The dowry
Jacob is talking to his friend Morris.
"A terrible thing," says Jacob. "My daughter Rifka is getting married tomorrow and I promised a dowry of £25,000. Now, half the dowry is missing."
"So what?" replies Morris. "One usually pays only half of the promised dowry at the beginning of the wedding."
"I know, but that's the half which is missing."

(#373) The fire
Moishe is a member of Hendon synagogue. One day he calls on Rabbi Goldman of Golders Green synagogue to ask him for help.
"Everything I had and owned, Rabbi, was lost when my house burned down recently in a raging fire. I've nothing left but the clothes I’m wearing."
"Do you have a letter from your own rabbi attesting to this fire?" Rabbi Goldman asks.
"Yes, I did have such a letter, but unfortunately, that was also lost in the fire."

(#374) The meal
Moishe goes into a restaurant and orders potato latke. When they arrive at his table, he does not like the look of them and changes his order to blintzes. Later, when he had finished, he gets up to leave.
"Wait a second," said the manager, "You haven't paid for your blintzes."
"What are you talking about?" Moishe replies. "Those blintzes were only an exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them."
"Yes, but you didn't pay for them either."
"Why should I pay for the potato latke? I didn't eat them."

(#375) Isn’t marriage wonderful?


(#376) The problem with Jewish Food
Two Chinamen are leaving Blooms restaurant and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you're hungry again"

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