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go to the one hundred and fiftieth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and fortyninth set of Jewish jokes

(#2370) Career planning
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
One shabbes morning, as the Minky family are walking home from Edgware shul after a great service by their rabbi, 9 year old Sam says to his father Lionel, "When I grow up, dad, I've decided to be a rabbi."
"Well Sam," says Lionel, "I have no problem with that. But tell me, why have you now decided to be a rabbi? You were going to be a footballer last week."
"I know I was," replies Sam, "but during the shul service I realised that I would be going to shul every shabbes for the rest of my life - and that's a long time. So I came to the conclusion that it would be much better to be standing up and shouting than just sitting down and listening."

(#2371) The other Yiddishe mother
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Leah is telling her best friend Hannah how her first date with the handsome Jonathan went. "He took me to a nice kosher restaurant in Bushey where we had a great meal," says Leah. "But then, as soon as we left the restaurant, he asked me whether we could both go back to my apartment."
"So what did you tell him?" asks Hannah, excitedly.
"I told him NO," replies Leah. "I said that my mother would do a great deal of worrying if I did anything like taking a new date back to my apartment."
"And how did Jonathan respond to that?" asks Hannah.
"He just refused to take NO for an answer," replies Leah, "and kept on and on schmoozing me to try to get me to take us back to my apartment."
"I hope you didn't weaken," says Hannah, "because knowing your mother, she really would plotz if you gave in to this new date of yours."
"No, Hannah, I didn't give in to this haimisheh mensh," says Leah. "But in the end, I agreed to go back to his apartment - I thought it would be far better to let his mother do the worrying."

schmoozing: gossiping, chatting up, coaxing
plotz: explode, collapse, drop dead with worry
haimisheh mensh: a warm person, someone you feel at home with


(#2372) Avoiding repercussion
[My thanks to Lars-Toralf for the following]
Monty comes down to breakfast one morning in a serious mood. Whilst his wife Rose is making their breakfast, he looks closely at her and thinks to himself, "We've been married now for nearly 25 years and instead of growing closer, we seem to have drifted further apart than ever. Our relationship is almost non-existent. Oy Vey! Whatever has happened to us?"
But just then, Rose turns to him and says, "I notice you've been looking at me. Do you know what day it is today?"
"It's Wednesday," replies Monty.
"No, you shmuck," replies Rose, "today is our wedding anniversary, that's what day it is."
After a short pause, Monty replies, "Yes, so it is. Thanks for telling me Rose."
Monty then gets up and briefly leaves the kitchen. Returning a few minutes later wearing his kippa and tallis, he starts praying, "Yisgadal, v'yiskadash shmai raba..."

shmuck: a stupid person, a penis (vulg)
Yisgadal v'yiskadash shmai raba: Magnified and sanctified be His great name. This is the first line of the Kaddish.
Kaddish: (extracted from that great website "chabad.org"). The Kaddish is recited at the conclusion of all major prayers; after a Talmud study period; at the cemetery after burial; at services during the year of mourning; and at every yahrzeit. The Sages say that one who recites the Kaddish with all his inner power and conviction will merit the abolition of any severe Divine decree directed against him. In fact, they contended that the whole world itself, as it were, is maintained because of its recital, and that it redeems the deceased, specifically from perdition.
yahrtzeit: the anniversary of someone's death


(#2373) A successful outcome
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Hannah and Benny are not only regular shul goers, but are also members of their shul choir. They especially enjoy their choir's Wednesday night visits to Minky's Kosher Wine Bar for an evening of relaxation and joke telling.
Unfortunately, Hannah begins to notice that whenever she goes to Minky's and drinks a glass of her favourite wine, she gets a headache. So from the following Wednesday onwards, even though it was boring, she switches to drinking a glass of water instead of wine.
Two months later, Hannah and Benny go on their own to Minky's on a Thursday night to test out whether she can tolerate a different make of wine. And she can - she gets no headache. She's so happy that she shouts across the table to Benny, "Benny, darling, you'll be so very pleased to know that I don't have a headache tonight."
Immediately, everyone in Minky's shouts out, "Mazeltov Benny! Enjoy yourself."

(#2374) That's entertainment?
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Freda and Bernard have just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and are going through a very difficult time, money wise. No matter what they try, they still end up each month in debt. Nevertheless, Bernard is an optimist by heart and starts to use a new catch phrase he's just put together. He says to Freda, "Don't worry about our poor financial situation Freda because as long as we have each other, we don't need anyone or anything else."
Bernard's sentiment works fine for a few weeks but then, all of a sudden, their bedroom TV packs up and Bernard spends time trying to fix it. After a few hours of poking around inside the back of the TV, Bernard says to Freda, "Sorry, I can't fix it. And we don't have enough money to either call in an engineer or to buy another TV."
"That's just marvellous isn't it!" shouts Freda. "Now there's absolutely no entertainment remaining in our bedroom."

(#2375) The four students
[My thanks to David L for the following]
One afternoon, Paul, Lionel, Nathan and Daniel, four Jewish students from Manchester University, are drinking some coffee in Paul's study. Suddenly, Paul puts down his cup and shouts, "Oy!"
Lionel then puts down his cup and shouts, "Oy vey!"
Nathan then puts down his cup and shouts out, "So Nu?"
On hearing what his three friends have been shouting, Daniel gets up and starts to walk towards the study door. "Where are you going, Daniel?" the other three ask him.
"Listen you lot," he replies, "if you don’t stop talking politics, I’m leaving!"

(#2376) The screaming goes on and on
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Ruth is very, very broyges with her husband Simon and screaming out loud, she screams at him, "Get out of my sight at once, you shmuck. Leave, leave, just leave this house right away, you piece of chazzerai! I've had enough of you and your bad habits, you putz. Just go will you. Go.....go, you shmegegge."
As Simon is leaving the house, Ruth shouts once more at him. "And I really hope you die a long, slow and painful death."
At that, Simon stops, turns around, and shouts back at her, "Oh, you've changed your mind, then. So now you want me to stay?"

broyges: angry
shmuck: a stupid person, a penis
chazzerai: rubbish, trash
putz: stupid ass
shmegegge: miserable, idiot


(#2377) How to describe a husband
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Sarah is talking to her friend Estelle about her neighbour. "You should hear what she regularly says about her husband, poor guy. She never has a good word to say about him. I think she must have graduated from the l'shon ha'ra school. And do you know what, Estelle? He's really not such a bad man. I mean look at me - my Hymie is a fat, lazy slob and cheap as they come. But have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"

l'shon ha'ra: The Hebrew term lashon hara (or loshon hora) (Hebrew לשון הרע; "evil tongue") is the halakhic term for derogatory speech about another person


(#2378) Age is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
[My thanks to Diane M for the following]
Whilst 75 year old Benny is in Golders Green, he feels the need of a cup of coffee. So he pops into Blooms Coffee shop. He's never been in there before but it seems nice and clean and there is even some loud music playing in the background.
But whilst Benny is drinking his coffee, his stomach starts rumbling and he quickly realizes that he desperately needs to fortz. Although the place is full of customers, the music is really loud, so he decides to get relief right away - and to further reduce any embarrassment, he decides to time his fortzing to the beat of the music.
This he accurately does and after a couple of songs, he starts to feel much better. But then, as he finishes his coffee, he notices that everyone is staring at him….
Oy Vey, Benny suddenly remembers that he was listening to his iPod.
NOTE: This is what can happen when old people start using modern technology!

fortz: (vulgar) fart


(#2379) Secrets of a Happy Marriage (from a man's point of view)
[My thanks to Geoffrey C for this composite of some familiar one-liners and bits of his own.]
[If any female reader has some favourite anti-men one liners, please send them to me]
•    My wife and I have discovered the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week we dress smart casual and go to a nice kosher restaurant, have some superb food, an expensive wine and companionship. She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays.
•    My wife and I sleep in separate beds these days - her bed is in Golders Green, mine is in Stamford Hill.
•    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
•    When I asked my wife where she would like to go for our anniversary, she replied, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time please." So I suggested the kitchen.
•    My wife and I always hold hands like a loving couple should. But the moment I let go, she's off shopping.
•    My credit card has been stolen. But I haven't reported it as fortunately, the thief is spending less money on it than my wife was.
•    Just remember that marriage is the number one cause for divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
•    I thought I had married Miss Right. I just didn't know her name was 'Always'.
•    I haven't spoken to my wife for the last six months because I was taught that it's rude to interrupt.
•    My wife was on her mobile yesterday, chatting for half an hour before ringing off. "That was short," I said, "it's usually about two hours before you've had enough." "I know," she replied. "It was the wrong number."
•    The last time my wife and I had a fight, I admit it was definitely my fault. She asked me, "What's on the TV dear?" and I replied, "Dust!"
•    On the off-chance the other day, I asked my wife if she had even the slightest recollection of something that's about 5 inches long and about 2 inches wide which used to drive her wild with excitement. She replied, "Yes dear, a £50 note."


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