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go to the one hundred and fortyninth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortyeighth set of Jewish jokes
(#2360) A Yiddish joke (and
[My thanks to Ian G for the following Yiddish joke and its English translation]
A kleyn yingl, shpiln in der heym, plutzim zayn hitl iz arayngefaln in a tepl yoych. Iz gelofn di mammeh tzum rebbe fregn tzi der yoych blaybt kosher.
Rebbe: "Nu, vos iz geven af'n hitl?"
Mutter: "Ver veyst, efsher a bisl bloteh fun gass."
Rebbe: "Bloteh? Bloteh iz kosher. Vos noch?"
Mutter: "Nisht lang tsurik hot er gehat layz in hor, ober mistomeh yetst 'siz shoyn fartig."
Rebbe: "Layz? Layz zenen oych kosher. Vos mer?"
Mutter: "Meyle nekhten nob ikh gezehn eppes a parkh (scab) af'n skalp."
Rebbe: "A parkh iz oych kosher. To vos mer?"
Mutter: "Tzu opshpanen der parkh hob ikh geribt a bisl puter."
Rebbe: "Neyn, neyn, az ir hot genitzt puter, me tor nisht essen di zup."
A young boy is playing at home. Suddenly his hat falls into a pot of chicken soup. His mother runs to the Rabbi to ask if the soup is still kosher.
Rabbi: "What was on the hat?"
Mother: "Who knows, maybe some mud from the street."
Rabbi: "Mud? Mud is kosher. What else?"
Mother: "Recently he had lice in his hair, but probably that is now over and done with."
Rabbi: "Lice? Lice are also kosher. What else?"
Mother: "Well yesterday I noticed a scab on his scalp."
Rabbi: "A scab is also kosher. So what more?"
Mother: "To loosen the scab I rubbed a bit of butter into it."
Rabbi: "No, no! If you used butter the soup must not be eaten."
(#2361) Sign in shop window
The owner of the Minky Travel Agency put the following sign in his shop window: -
BITA GAY AVEK
Bita gay avek: Please
(#2362) A belated conversation with his wife
Maurice was never known to be a haymisheh person nor a mensch, and he certainly wasn't a balebatish. As such, he hardly ever paid any attention to his wife Miriam. But then, quite unexpectedly, Miriam dies, and it surprises all those who know him well that Maurice starts to show signs of truly missing her.
After many months of sadness and loneliness, Maurice can't take it any longer and decides to see a psychic to find out whether in some way or other, he could contact Miriam.
After hearing what Maurice wants, the psychic turns out the lights and quickly goes into a deep trance. Almost instantly, Maurice hears a faint humming sound in the room followed by the unmistakable voice of his Miriam calling out to him.
"Maurice, oh Maurice, are you here with me?" asks the voice.
"Oy vey!" Maurice cries out. "Miriam, is this really you I'm talking to?"
"Yes, my hubby, it really is me," replies the voice.
"I can't believe I'm talking to you," says Maurice. "Are you happy where you are?"
"Yes, my hubby, yes. I truly am happy here," replies the voice.
"And are you happier now than when you were with me?" asks Maurice.
"Yes, I am much, much happier now," replies the voice.
"I suppose this is because it must be wonderful to live in a place like Heaven," says Maurice.
"No, you're wrong," says the voice. "Who says I'm in Heaven?"
haymisheh: someone to be comfortable with, a warm person
mensch: someone with feelings for others and a sense of humanity
balebatish: a great person, someone who can be counted on to do the right things
(#2363) Solving the problem
After the Shabbes service was over, Rabbi Cohen is met at the shul door by Golda and her young son Sheldon.
"Rabbi," says Golda, "I'm sorry my Sheldon was so noisy during your sermon."
"That's OK, Golda," says Rabbi Cohen. "These events are not unknown to us rabbis. But do tell me how you managed to get him to keep quiet."
"It was quite easy rabbi," replies Golda. "Fifteen minutes into your sermon, I leaned over to Sheldon and whispered in his ear, 'Sheldon, listen to me carefully. If you don't stop making such a noise, Rabbi Cohen is going to lose his place in his sermon, and if he looses his place, he will have to start his sermon all over again!' And rabbi, he instantly stopped making a noise."
(#2364) History repeating itself
Bernie and his wife Leah are at home having breakfast. And as he always does during breakfast, Bernie is reading the Jewish Chronicle's Sports pages. Suddenly, Bernie comes across an article which he feels he has to share with Leah.
"Darling," he says, "guess what Sheldon Klutz, that brainless, idiotic shmuck of a footballer, has just done?"
"I've no idea," replies Leah. "So tell me already. Just what has Sheldon Klutz done?"
"He's just announced that he and Golda the Gezinteh, that stunningly beautiful actress and model, are going to get married," replies Bernie. "Can you believe it? Why oh why do the world's biggest shmucks always seem to get to marry the most gorgeous, sexy, and brainiest of women?"
"Thank you so much for your kind words, darling," says Leah.
klutz: clumsy person, a bungler, a clod, a silly or foolish person
gezinteh: a healthy, robust, well endowed woman
shmuck: a stupid person
(#2365) A Jewish curse
Please God, I hope that not only should you have lots and lots of money, but you should also be the only one in your family to have lots and lots of money.
In the middle of the shul service, Rabbi Levy, who is always trying to impress his humility on those around him, suddenly cries out, "Oh Lord, I am but nothing in your eyes!"
Not wanting to be outshone, Moshe the shul's chazan then cries out, "Oh Lord, I am also but nothing in your eyes!"
When Bob, the shul's sexton, hears the rabbi's and the chazan's cries to God, he cries out, "I too, Oh Lord, am nothing in your eyes!"
On hearing this, Rabbi Levy turns to chazan Moshe and says, "Just look who thinks he's nothing."
(#2367) Jewish one-liners
[my thanks to John B for the following]
• A perfect example of minority rule in a Jewish home is a baby.
• Jewish success is getting what you like, but Jewish happiness is liking what you get.
• A Jewish husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
• The only Jewish child who doesn't grow up and move away is your husband.
(#2368) Silence is Golden
Morris and Mordechai are having a serious chat about married life. "I'm currently having a lot of trouble with my Sadie," says Morris.
"So nu? Tell me about it already," asks Mordechai.
"Well I said something absolutely innocently to Sadie last week which somehow upset her. She immediately started shouting at me. And even though I tried hard to get her to explain what it was I said that upset her, all that happened was she went into her shell and I got the silent treatment for the rest of the day. This has now happened quite a few times since then."
"Wow!" says Mordechai smiling, "that's fantastic! I think it's worth the extra effort to continue to upset her."
(#2369) A daughter phones her mum
[My thanks to Geoffrey C for the following]
The phone rings....................
Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mummy. Can I leave the children with you tonight?"
JM: "So tell me - you're going out?"
D: "I wouldn't be asking otherwise, would I?"
JM: "Then I need you to tell me who are you going out with."
D: "With a friend, mummy, just a friend."
JM: "I'll never understand why you left your lovely husband. Such a nice man."
D: "I didn't leave him, mummy. He left me!"
JM: "You let him leave you more like, and now you're going out with these anybodies and nobodies."
D: "I do not go out with just anybody. Can I bring the kids over please?"
JM: "I never used to leave you to go out with anyone, unless with your father."
D: "There are lots of things that you used to do that I don't!"
JM: "What are you hinting at?"
D: "Nothing mother. All I want to know is, will you have the kids to stay over tonight?"
JM: "You're staying the night with him even? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
D: "My EX Husband!" There's no way he'll be bothered - from the day he left me he's probably never slept alone, even if he's had to pay for it."
JM: "So you're planning to sleep over at this loser's place?"
D: "He's not a loser!"
JM: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and has no principles. Next you'll be telling me he's black & not even Jewish!"
D: "Look mother, I don't want to argue. Am I bringing the kids over or not?"
JM: "Those poor children, with such a mother and no stability. No wonder your husband left you!"
D: "THAT'S ENOUGH!!!"
JM: "Don't you dare scream at me. It wouldn't surprise me if you scream at the loser too!"
D: "So now you're worrying about the loser?"
JM: "Ah, so you're admitting it. He is a loser. I spotted it immediately."
D: "Well that's it! Goodbye mother."
JM: "Wait!. Don't hang up. When are you bringing them over?"
D: "I'm not bringing them over. If you must know, I'm not going out!"
JM: "So tell me, if you're going to carry on not going out like this, how can you ever expect to meet anyone?"
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