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go to the one hundred and fortyeighth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortyseventh set of Jewish jokes
(#2350) Forthcoming new car
[My thanks to Lars-T for the following]
As most of you probably know, the Toyota Yaris and the Toyota Auris are cars that are sold worldwide. And now I can announce that Toyota will soon be launching a new car. Not only that, but Toyota has reached an agreement with Israel that this new Toyota model will only be sold in Israel and in various Jewish settlements around the world.
This forthcoming new Toyota car has been specially designed for the elderly and is going to be called the Toyota Tsouris.
tsouris: troubles, worries, suffering.
(#2351) Isaac's meeting with his boss
Isaac pops his head into his boss's office and says, "Excuse me Mr Levy, but is now a good time to talk to you about a decision I have to make?"
"Sure Isaac," says Mr Levy. "Come in and sit down. How can I help you?"
"Well sir," replies Isaac, "I'm sure you know this, but I've been working for your firm now for nearly 7 years."
"Yes, of course I know that," says Mr Levy. "You're a very good worker."
"Thank you sir," says Isaac. "So I'll come straight to the point. I'd like a raise. I currently have 4 companies after me. But I thought before making a decision, I should really talk to you first."
"So you'd like a raise, eh?" says Mr Levy. "I fully understand your position and I'd love to give you a raise. But now is not a good time because the current double-dip economic situation is having a negative impact on our sales."
"Yes, I know this," says Isaac, "but you must also take into consideration my hard work, my pro-activeness, my revenue earning skills, and my undivided loyalty to this company over the 7 years I've been here."
On hearing this, Mr Levy sits in silence for a while, thinking carefully about what he's just heard. Then he says to Isaac, "OK, Isaac. Taking into account all your positive attributes, and considering that I don't want to start a brain drain by just letting you go, I'm willing to offer you a pay raise of £2,500 per year plus an extra five days annual holiday. How does that grab you?"
"Great! It's a deal," replies Isaac. "Thank you, sir."
"Good," says Mr Levy. I'll write to you today to confirm this. But before you go, just out of curiosity, could you tell me what companies are after you?"
"Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the Water Company and the Telecom Company!" replies Isaac.
Q: What do golfers shout out when they tee-off at a Jewish golf club?
(#2353) How to become a doctor
[My thanks to Jay F for the following]
Morris has at last passed his final medical exam and is now a fully qualified doctor. Today, he's telling his friend Nathan about his exams.
"You wouldn't believe it," says Morris, "but the final question we were all given, and which was important for us to get right, was -
Re-arrange the five letters P N E S I to spell a part of the human body that is extremely important when erect.
"So nu? What's so difficult about that question?" asks Nathan. "Even I know the answer is PENIS."
"Well that was the wrong answer." says Morris. "Only those students who answered "SPINE" passed and became doctors."
NOTE: Those who got it wrong eventually became joke book authors."
(#2354) A new subject to discuss
[My thanks to John B for the following]
Two stockbrokers, Morrie and Gary, are talking business during a quick lunch time snack. But then quite suddenly, Morrie says, "We've got to stop all this serious business talk over lunch. It's not good for our health. We need to talk about other things and relax more."
"That's a good idea," says Gary. "So what do you suggest we talk about instead?"
"Let's talk about women, lots of women," suggests Morrie.
"OK, let's do it," says Gary. "But what type of women should we talk about? Preferred stock? Single stock? or Common stock?"
(#2355) Preparation for an interview
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Brian applies for membership of his local golf club and is asked to attend an interview with the club's Chairman. But Brian is no meshugganah - he knows that the Chairman doesn't like Jews. So he prepares a suitable response should the Chairman ask him what his religion is.
During his interview, all is going well for Brian. But then comes the question he's been expecting. "So what is your religious persuasion, Mr Roberts?" asks the Chairman.
Brian replies, "I am proud to say that I'm a member of the Catholic Church. My wife Christine is also Catholic. We've been married now for over 20 years and in that time we've raised four lovely children - Shaun is the oldest, then there is Mary, Joan and Peter. All four of them regularly go to church with us - we regard ourselves as active Church members. And even my late father, alav hasholom, was a Catholic."
Brian's membership application was unfortunately turned down.
meshugganah: a crazy person
alav hasholom: may he [or she] rest in peace
(#2356) The end is near
[My thanks to Lars-Toralf for the following]
It's morning and Miriam goes to the stairs and shouts out loudly and angrily, "Breakfast is ready."
Five minutes later, Bernie enters the kitchen and sits down. They then quietly start eating their breakfast with neither saying a word to the other. It would have been obvious to any bystander that their long marriage is almost kaput.
Suddenly, Miriam shouts at him, "I bet you don't know what day it is today?"
Without looking up, Bernie replies, "It's Tuesday."
"No it's not, you shmuck," cries Miriam, "it's more than that. Today is our 30th Wedding Anniversary!"
"Oh, thanks for reminding me," says Bernie, as he gets up and leaves the kitchen. A few minutes later, he returns wearing his kippa and tallis. He then starts praying. "Yisgadal v'yiskadash sh'mei rabbaw."
And Miriam responds, "Amen,".
kaput: (yiddish) lost, dead
shmuck: a stupid person, a penis
tallis: prayer shawl
"Yisgadal v'yiskadash sh'mei rabbaw.": The start of a mourner's prayer
(#2357) Parents Evening
[My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
Judith returns home from a Parents' Evening and says to her little boy, "You know I'm very pleased with you, Emanuel."
"Why is that, mummy?" he asks.
"Because your teacher has just told me that you have a very good Hebrew vocabulary," replies Judith.
"What's a vocabulary, mummy?" asks Emanuel.
(#2358) Some more Jewish Proverbs and Sayings
[My thanks to Bob B for the following]
• Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. [Golda Meir]
• Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. [Albert Einstein]
• I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying. [Woody Allen]
• We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. [Albert Einstein]
• The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
• What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
• One old friend is better than two new ones.
• One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
(#2359) El Al flight announcement
On this El Al flight to Tel Aviv, all the flight attendants on board just happen to be elderly. And ten minutes into the flight, the captain makes a sombre announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen. We've just reached cruising altitude and I have to tell you that very shortly the cabin lights will go off."
"Oy vey," moan many of the passengers, "what's going on?"
"But please don't worry," continues the captain, "the lights are being turned off not only for your comfort, but also to enhance the appearance of our flight attendants. Thank you and have a nice flight!"
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