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go to the one hundred and fortyseventh set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortysixth set of Jewish jokes
(#2341) A New Year's question
Rabbi Bloom enters the under sevens Hebrew class. It will soon be Rosh Hashanah and he's there to blow the shofar for them. But before he does, he decides to ask them a relevant question. So hiding his shofar behind his back, he says to the class, "Shalom, boys and girls. I have a question for you. Can anyone here tell me what we will see in shul on Rosh Hashanah but which we would not normally see in shul at other times of the year?"
Little Samuel puts up his hand and says, "I know the answer, rabbi. It's my mummy."
shofar: A ram's horn blown in the shul (synagogue) during services for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
Rosh Hashanah: The Jewish New Year
(#2342) Is honesty the best policy?
As he's out shopping, Mervyn meets one of his customers. "So Abe," he says, "you know you still owe me £450. When will I get it?"
"Don't worry, Mervyn," replies Abe. "You'll get it first thing tomorrow morning."
"Oy vey, not again," says Mervyn. "It's always tomorrow with you. I'm just sick and tired of hearing you say you'll pay me tomorrow, but then getting a follow-up phone call from you telling me that you haven't got enough money to pay me. Last week you rang and told me you couldn't pay. Last month you rang and told me you couldn't pay. Three months ago you rang and told me you couldn't pay. Six months ........."
"Enough already," interrupts Abe. "So didn't I keep my word each time?"
(#2343) Covered with shame
It's 8pm as Jonathan enters MINKYS KOSHER RESTAURANT. After carefully looking around, he goes over to one of the tables where a man is sitting on his own. "Shalom," says Jonathan.
"The man sitting at the table looks a bit surprised. "I don't believe I know you," he says.
"Well how about if I told you that we both ate here last night?" says Jonathan."
"So what?" says the man. "Many people ate here last night."
"I know," says Jonathan, "but I recognised you right away because of the fancy patterned umbrella you have on the chair next to you."
"Ah hah," says the man, "I never had this umbrella with me when I ate here last night."
"I know," says Jonathan, "But I did!"
(#2344) World's Largest Liner
Some Israelis are waiting for their country to build the world's largest Ocean Liner. If it happens, they suggest the Liner should be called "S.S. Mein Kind."
S.S. (ess ess): eat, eat
mein kind: my child
(#2345) How to handle a patient
[My thanks to John B for the following]
Hyman is not very well and is taken to a hospital in Jerusalem. As soon as he arrives, he's checked over by a specialist and is quickly sent to their Cardiology ward where a nurse gives him some pyjamas and helps him into bed. As she is plumping up his pillow, Hyman says to her, "I'm so very worried nurse."
"Why on earth should you be worried?" asks the nurse.
"Because last week," replies Hyman, "I remember reading of a patient who was in hospital because of heart trouble, but who then suddenly died of Septic Shock."
"Relax," says the nurse, "that was in another hospital. This is a first-rate hospital and when we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
(#2346) Change of name?
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Miriam begins to notice that whenever her 5 year old daughter Sarah is asked her name, she answers, "I'm Mrs Freedman's daughter."
So one day, just before bedtime, Miriam says to Sarah, "Bubbeleh, whenever anyone asks you what your name is, you must not say, 'I'm Mrs Freedman's daughter.' Instead, you must proudly say, 'my name is Sarah.' Sarah is such a beautiful name - the bible even tells us that another lovely Sarah was the wife of Abraham and the mother of Isaac."
"OK, mummy," says Sarah.
Later that week, a rabbi is visiting Sarah's class at school and as soon as he sees Sarah, he goes over to her and says, "Hello, aren't you Mrs Freedman's daughter?"
"I thought I was," replies Sarah, "but my mummy says I'm not."
bubbeleh: Term of endearment (like dear, pet, honey)
Sarah: The bible tells us that the Hebrew name Sarah indicates a woman of high rank and is translated as "princess."
(#2347) For better or for worse?
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Ruth phones her local hospital and angrily says, "I'm Mrs Sheldon and I thought I should let you know that I'm planning to sue your hospital."
"Oh why is that, Mrs Sheldon?" asks the hospital.
Ruth replies, "Well my Hymie has just returned home after being treated in your hospital, and he now shows absolutely no interest in me at all and very little interest in sex."
The hospital says, "I've just looked up our records and I can see that a gentleman called Hymie Sheldon was recently admitted to our hospital. But he was admitted to our Ophthalmology department and all we did was correct his eyesight."
(#2348) Neatness is not everything
Joshua is talking to his friend Arnold. "My Naomi is progressively getting more and more farmisht, and all because she desires to have a totally neat and tidy house."
"So nu, tell me already," asks Arnold, "what has happened this time?"
"Well this morning," replies Joshua, "as I do every morning, I got up at 5am and went into the bathroom. But this time, when I came back, I found that Naomi had made the bed."
farmisht: very confused and mixed up
(#2349) The change over
As Moshe is on his way to work one morning in Tel Aviv, he sees a man on the other side of the road who looks very familiar. So he crosses the road, goes over the man and says, "Hi. I'm sure we've met at some time in the past. Wasn't it in London?"
"Yes, I do come from London," replies the man. "My name is Riley."
"And what are you doing over here in Tel Aviv?" asks Moshe.
Riley replies, "I've come here to live the life of Cohen."
Dear reader, because we are coming to the end of the year 2012, I have decided to add below a bonus joke. But please note that it is a nice but slightly naughty joke, so please skip past it if you would rather not read it.
(XXX#000) The Accident (version 2)
[My thanks to Boris S for suggesting this alternative version to naughty joke xxx#35]
Chaim wakes up in a Tel Aviv hospital bed bandaged from head to foot. Dr. Levy comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember this, Chaim, but you were involved in a huge pile-up on the motorway."
"Oy vey," cries Chaim, "I’m going to die, I’m going to die."
"Chaim, listen to me," says Dr. Levy. "You're going to be OK. Really you are. You'll walk again and everything. But your shmeckel was severed in the accident and no one could find it."
"Oy vey iz meer," cries out Chaim, "I’m doomed to a life of misery."
"Chaim, you must look on the bright side of things," says Dr. Levy. "Your wife Hettie tells me that you've got 360,000 shekels in insurance compensation coming to you."
"And how is that going to help me?" asks Chaim, sarcastically.
"Well," replies Dr. Levy, "Israel now has the technology to build you a new shmeckel. They really perform well, but they’re not cheap. They work out at roughly 40,000 shekels an inch."
Chaim perks up.
"So, Chaim," says Dr. Levy, "all you have to do is decide how many inches you want. But a word of warning is necessary. This decision must not be taken lightly. You really must discuss it carefully with your wife Hettie."
"Why, doctor?" asks Chaim.
"I've obviously never measured your previous shmeckel," replies Dr. Levy, "but if you had, say, a 5 incher before and get a 9 incher now, Hettie might be a bit put out. But then on the other hand, if you had a 9 incher before and you decide to only invest in a 5 incher now, she might be ahntoisht. It's therefore essential that Hettie plays a key role in this important decision."
Chaim agrees to talk it over with Hettie.
Dr. Levy comes back the next day, "So nu, Chaim," he says, "have you spoken with Hettie?"
"Yes I have doctor," replies Chaim.
"And has she helped you come to a decision?" asks Dr. Levy.
"Yes she has," says Chaim, looking very glum.
"So what is your decision?" asks Dr. Levy.
"We're going to invest in a new modern kitchen with granite worktops and then we’re going on a Caribbean cruise."
shmeckel: (slang) penis
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