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go to the one hundred and fortysixth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortyfifth set of Jewish jokes
(#2331) Taking instructions
70 year old Rachel has just arrived at Tel Aviv airport for her first holiday in Israel. As soon as she clears Customs, she gets into a public taxi to Haifa with some other passengers and says to the driver, "Vould you tell me plees ven ve pass Shefayim."
"OK lady," he replies.
Unfortunately, Rachel annoys the driver and the other passengers throughout the journey by repeatedly shouting out, "don't forget driver, don't forget to tell me ven ve pass Shefayim."
Eventually, Rachel's constant reminders gets the driver so tsedrayt that he drives right past Shefayim. As soon as he realises this, he apologises to all his passengers, turns his taxi around, and drives back. Not long after, he says to Rachel, "Alright already lady, here at last is Shefayim. You may now get out."
"Nu, so who vants to get out here?" Rachel says.
"Well I thought you did, lady," replies the driver angrily. "You've been telling me this repeatedly."
"Oy, have you got it wrong driver," says Rachel. "Mine daughter Rivkah made me promise her that vunce I'm on a taxi to Haifa, I should take mine medicine and heart pills ven ve pass Shefayim."
Shefayim: A kibbutz in central Israel located 2.5 miles north of Herzliya along the Mediterranean coast. Shefayim falls under the jurisdiction of Hof HaSharon Regional Council. In 2006 it had a population of 1,000. [Info from Wikipedia]
Judith is elected President of her local Jewish women's charity and is giving her inaugural speech. Although she has never made such an important speech before, she realises that she must end it by encouraging the ladies present to give more generously than they have ever given before. So how did she succeed in doing this? Here is what she told her audience just before she sat down.
"When I was a much, much younger woman," she says, "I got married to Morris at the Edgware shul. The chuppah was followed by a catered wedding reception at Minky's of Mayfair, arranged for us by my lovely parents. It was a fabulous affair and after all the guests had left, Morris and I went up to our room on the 2nd floor.
As soon as we had shut and locked our door, Morris came over to me and with a twinkle in his eyes said, 'Well, my darling Judith, the time has arrived at last. You know what you are here for, don't you?'
"And so my dear ladies, I turn to you now and say to you all, 'I'm sure that you know exactly what you are here for. So please give generously. You'll feel great afterwards. I did!"
chuppah: wedding canopy
(#2333) Experienced lumberjack required
Isaac, an elderly, very thin looking man, sees an advert in a Haifa newspaper:
EXPERIENCED LUMBERJACK REQUIRED IN HAIFA
So he applies for the job and a week later he is asked to attend an interview in Haifa with the foreman.
During his interview, the foreman says to Isaac, "I can't help but notice your age and your body build. Are you sure you're a lumberjack?"
"Yes, of course I am. Would I have applied if I wasn't?"
So the foreman gives Isaac an axe, takes him outside, points to a sapling growing near them and says to Isaac, "OK then, lets see you chop this down."
Isaac walks over to the sapling and with one blow of the axe chops it down.
The foreman then points out a larger tree and says, "try this one, then."
Again, Isaac walks over to the tree and cuts it down effortlessly with one blow of the axe.
The foreman is amazed, but tries one more time. Pointing this time to a really large tree with a thick trunk, he says to Isaac, "OK, try this one then if you can."
Isaac walks over to the tree, takes a deep breath, swings his axe and with one swoop, the large tree comes crashing down.
"I can't believe what I've just seen you do," says the foreman. "You're fantastic. Where did you learn to be such a great lumberjack?"
"Well if you must know," replies Isaac, "I worked in the Sahara Park for a long time."
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asks the foreman.
"NOW it's a desert," replies Isaac.
(#2334) I know him so well
Mrs Levy is talking to Mrs Einstein. "Do you really understand your husband's amazing theory of relativity, Elsa?"
"Well if I'm honest," replies Elsa, "I have to say that I don't understand it at all. But I know my husband really well, and I'm sure he can be totally trusted."
Moshe and Miriam have just had their house burgled for the 5th time in the last 12 months. Moshe is so upset that he puts a sign in his front widow. The sign reads: -
WE GAVE ALREADY
(#2336) Quick thinking
Isaac in London is sending a brand new version of the Old Testament bible to his son in New York. After wrapping the bible in plenty of bubble wrap and placing it carefully inside a cardboard box, Isaac seals the box, writes his son's name and address on the label, and then takes the box to his local Post Office.
When he gets to the front of the queue, Isaac hands the box to the clerk behind the counter and says, "I would like this to go to New York please."
"Is there anything breakable inside the box, sir?" asks the clerk.
Without thinking, Isaac replies, "Only the Ten Commandments."
(#2337) Oy vey
Berger and Son, Solicitors in New York, have just taken on a new receptionist from London. Her name is Caroline and she is a very well spoken lady indeed. On her first day at work, Caroline answers the phone and says, in a superb English accent, "Berger and Son. How may I help you?"
"Has Mr Roberts come in yet?" asks the caller.
"I am very sorry," replies Carolyn, "but Mr Roberts has gone to the United Kingdom."
"Oy vey," replies the caller, I'm shocked to hear that. Am I too late to wish his wife a long life?"
I wish you long life: the most frequently heard Anglo-Jewish greeting is, ‘I wish you long life,’ offered to a mourner in the week following a bereavement.
(#2338) A good sleeping pill
Rabbi Levy is offered and accepts the role of Rabbi of Hampstead shul. 3 months later, everything is going well for him except one thing - he's noticed that every time he gives a sermon, 80 year old Maurice, one of his congregants, goes to sleep. Rabbi Levy ignores this because his other congregants always say nice things to him about his sermons as they leave the shul.
But then, some weeks later, as Maurice is leaving shul, he surprises Rabbi Levy by going over to him for the first time and saying, "Thank you rabbi. I really do enjoy your sermons."
"Thank you Maurice," says Rabbi Levy, "but I've noticed for some time now that you always fall asleep during my sermons. So how can you say you enjoy them?"
"Rabbi," replies Maurice, "you should be pleased to hear that it would be impossible for me to go to sleep during your sermons if I didn't explicitly trust you."
(#2339) Accountant needed
Jonathan and his wife Hannah are having their usual heated argument about money. After five minutes of shouting at her, Jonathan goes silent.
"So nu?" says Hannah. "I admit I enjoy spending our money. But I bet you can't name any other extravagance of mine."
(#2340) Arithmetic is easy if you know how
[My thanks to Roger S for the following]
16 year old Shmuel goes to his father and says, "Dad, I need some money for tonight. So could you let me have £20?"
His father replies, "£20? So why do you want me to give you £15?"
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