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go to the one hundred and fortyfifth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortyfourth set of Jewish jokes
(#2320) Dictionary needed
Whilst Kitty from London is on holiday in New York, she visits Miriam, her very best friend. During one of their many conversations, Miriam says, "I must tell you something, Kitty. My Harry really surprised me yesterday."
"Nu?" says Kitty. "Don't keep me in suspense. So tell me already. How did your Harry surprise you?"
"Well," replies Miriam, "as soon as he came home from work, he told me that he had just bought a condominium."
"Well if I were you," says Kitty, "I wouldn't take any chances. I would still keep on the pill."
condominium: term used in America for an apartment that is owned as opposed to rented.
(#2321) My Yiddishe Mameh
(extended version of jokes #99, #545 and #1111)
1. My mameh taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."
2. My mameh taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
3. My mameh taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don’t eat all your vegetables, you’ll never grow up."
4. My mameh taught me all about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
5. My mameh taught me how to be a CONTORTIONIST:
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
6. My mameh taught me all about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do."
7. My mameh taught me about ESP:
"Put your sweater on right away. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?"
8. My mameh taught me about FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident."
9. My mameh taught me all about HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don’t come running to me."
10. My mameh taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!"
11. My mameh taught me about IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
12. My mameh taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
13. My mameh taught me the meaning of LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that’s why. OK?"
14. My mameh taught me some more LOGIC:
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to come shopping with me."
15. My mameh taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they will remain fixed that way."
16. My mameh taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
17. My mameh taught me about my ROOTS:
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
18. My mameh taught me all about STAMINA:
"You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone from your plate."
19. My mameh taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
20. My mameh taught me about the WEATHER:
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado has just ripped through it."
21. My mameh taught me WISDOM:
"When you get to be my age, you’ll understand all I've told you."
"THANKS A LOT, MAMEH!"
(#2322) The regular diner
[my thanks to Leonard A for the following]
It's lunchtime and 70 year old Moshe walks into Minky's Diner for his daily bowl of matzo ball soup. Moshe always goes to Minky's for his soup. He is also always punctual - so much so that the waiters always know he is coming in and always have his table and his soup ready for him. Everyone likes Moshe because he is always smiling and always has a good word for them.
As usual, Moshe sits down at his table and smiles at Steve, his regular waiter. Almost immediately, a bowl of soup is placed in front of Moshe. But this time, as Steve is walking away, Moshe quickly calls him back to his table.
"Please taste this soup." Moshe says to Steve.
"Why?" asks Steve. "What's the matter with the soup? It's the same soup as you always have."
"Please taste the soup," Moshe says again to Steve.
"But there's nothing wrong with your soup. It's been made the same way we always make it." says Steve.
"For the third time, Steve, I ask you to please taste the soup," says Moshe.
"Alright then .... if you insist," says Steve, looking around the table. "But where's the spoon?"
"Ah hah," shouts Moshe with a big smile on his face.
(#2323) A blooming romance
Freda, aged 87 and Bernard, aged 88, have been seeing each other for two months and are beginning to realise that that they really like each other. They believe that they are a perfect match. Even so, they surprise family and friends by getting married.
On the first night of their honeymoon, soon after they get into bed, Bernard squeezes Freda's hand. Freda immediately squeezes his hand and they then both fall asleep.
On their second night, Bernard again squeezes her hand, she squeezes his hand and, as before, they immediately fall asleep.
But then, on the third night of their honeymoon, as Bernard once more squeezes Freda's hand, she says to him, "No! Not tonight, darling. I've got a headache."
(#2324) I would never have guessed
[my thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Did you hear about the Rabbi who did free circumcisions?
He only took tips.
(#2325) Old age is wonderful - isn't it?
[my thanks to Asher for the following]
84 year old Issy, a very suave and affluent looking gentleman for his age, goes into a cocktail lounge and immediately walks over to the bar and sits down. He's dressed very smartly in an expensive suit with a rose in his lapel. His grey hair is well groomed and he smells of an expensive after-shave.
Issy orders himself a Scotch and as he takes a sip of it, he notices that seated next to him at the bar is a very attractive-looking elderly lady. So he turns to the lady and says to her, "So tell me, gorgeous, do I come here often?"
(#2326) Announcement seen on notice boards in Israeli army barracks
WILL ALL PRIVATES PLEASE CEASE GIVING YOUR ADVICE TO THE OFFICERS
(#2327) Seeing is believing
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Sarah is well respected in her community. As well as helping out members of her local shul, she regularly spends time in a local Care home talking to the elderly residents. One Sunday morning, Sarah decides to take her 4-year-old grand daughter Hannah with her on one of her Care Home visits.
As soon as she gets there, Hannah is amazed and intrigued by all the old age appliances she sees everywhere. So as they walk around, Sarah explains to her why residents have wheelchairs, walking sticks, framed photographs, pill boxes, etc. in their rooms.
Then in one of the rooms they visit, Hannah stops and just stares for some time at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass of water.
"So why are you looking at the man's teeth, bubbeleh?" asks Sarah nicely. "You look surprised. What are you thinking of?"
"Well bubbeh," Sarah replies, "I'm saying to myself that I don't think the tooth fairy will ever believe what I'm seeing!"
(#2328) Finders Keepers
[My thanks to Roger S for the following]
As Reuben and Moshe are walking home after work one day, talking about what they plan to do that night, Reuben notices an envelope laying in the gutter. He picks it up, looks it all over, and says, "I wonder what's in this envelope, Moshe? It's unopened."
"So how do I know?" says Moshe. ''Why don't you open it already?"
Reuben opens the envelope and stares at its contents. "Oy vey, would you believe my luck," he says to Moshe. "I've just found £350 in a wage packet. It's my lucky day."
"Let me see the payslip inside the envelope," says Moshe.
Reuben gives the payslip to Moshe. Moshe glances at the figures on the payslip then says to Reuben, "I wouldn't call it lucky. Just look at the amount of tax you paid!”
It was Christmas and a family of Belzer Hasidim had to decide quickly what name to give their newborn son before leaving the hospital. Eventually, they decided on the name of 'Yingle Belz.'
The Belzer Hasidim are a Hasidic sect named after the Galician town of Belz. Its founder was the 19th century Rabbi Sholom Rokeach. The sect was originally founded as a Hasidus and not an official congregation (the distinction is very very subtle) so that its Rabbi provided more spiritual and less political guidance.
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