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go to the one hundred and fortyfourth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortythird set of Jewish jokes
(#2310) Thin Air
[My thanks to Anna R for the following]
20 members of the Minky Jewish Community Centre are enjoying a trip to Switzerland. During their trip, they arrive at the top of Monte Rosa, the highest summit in the Swiss Alps, and are greeted by a small group of Swiss musicians. But then, fifteen minutes later - disaster!
A lederhosen-wearing alpenhorn player suddenly collapses in the middle of a song and lays very silent and still in the snow with his huge and heavy musical instrument by his side.
A doctor happens to be close by and tries to revive the alpenhorn player, but without any luck. It's too late - the alpenhorn player is dead. The doctor gets to his feet and says angrily to the Community Centre members, "I think whichever one of you requested these musicians to play the song Hava Nagila, especially up here on top of Monte Rosa, is totally meshugga."
Hava Nagila: Famous Israeli music. A Hebrew folk song that has become a staple of band performers at Jewish weddings and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs.The music tends to get faster and faster and faster.
meshugga crazy, mad
(#2311) A draw its not
One day, two rabbis from shuls in Golders Green are walking towards each other. As they get closer, Rabbi Levy, with a cheeky smile on his face, shouts to Rabbi Isaacs, "The pavement is too narrow for us to pass each other without one of us moving over. And as I never make way for fools, please move over so that I can pass."
Also smiling, Rabbi Isaacs steps aside and shouts back, "OK, no problem. I always make way for fools."
(#2312) The competition
Naomi and Ruth are arguing about who has the frumest family.
"My bubbeh was so orthodox," says Naomi, "that she only drank her tea from a yahrzeit glass."
"That's nothing," replies Ruth. "My bubbeh only drank her tea from a yahrzeit glass with the candle still in it!"
yahrzeit glass: Once a year, in memory of a dead relative, Jewish families light a special memorial candle affixed to a small glass jar. The candle is lit and left 24 hours to burn out
(#2313) Isn't old age wonderful?
Freda, an 88 year old bubbeh, marries Bernard, a 94 year old zaydeh. Unfortunately, they spend a good part of their honeymoon struggling to get out of their car.
bubbeh: a grandma
zaydeh: a grandpa
(#2314) Lokshen soup
[My thanks to the Simmons family for the following]
Christian, a very wealthy married man, has been having a secret affair with Naomi for a number of years. But then one night, out of the blue, Naomi says to him, "I'm pregnant, Christian."
He is devastated. There is no way he wants to ruin his reputation or his existing marriage. So after a short period of thinking on his part, he says to Naomi, "OK Naomi, I've decided what to do. You're Jewish and you've told me many times that you've always wanted to go to Israel. So here's my deal. I'll pay you £30,000 to go to Israel to have your baby in secret. And not only that. If you then decide to stay in Israel to raise your child, I'll pay you a further £5,000 every month as child support until your baby reaches the age of 16. What do you think of that?"
After a few minutes, Naomi replies, "OK, Christian. It's a deal. But how will you know when the baby is born?"
"It's important you remain discreet about this, Naomi," he replies, "so why don't you send me a postcard and write lokshen on the back. As soon as I receive this message, I'll arrange for child support to begin."
One day, 9 months later, Christian returns home from work to find his wife very confused. "What's the matter darling?" he asks her.
"Oh it's just that you received this very odd postcard this morning from Israel," she replies, handing him the card.
Christian looks at the card, turns it over, and goes absolutely white. On the back of the card was written the following:
"lokshen, lokshen, lokshen, and lokshen. 2 with knaydlach, 2 without. Please send extra soup."
knaydlach: matzo ball served in soup
[My thanks to Nathan B for the following]
Q: What's the difference between a shmuck and a putz?
A: A putz eventually gets married.
shmuck: stupid ass, male sexual organ
putz: jerk, stupid ass
(#2316) Clever too much
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
16 year old Daniel decides to get some work experience during the summer holidays. After a few interviews, he chooses to work for a large General store.
On his first day at work, the store manager says to him, "Whenever a customer comes into the store, Daniel, it's important to realise that whatever he or she is thinking of buying, there is always something else we can suggest they buy. The key to doing this is to think of a link between the two items. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," replies Daniel, "I think I do."
"Good," says the manager, "because a potential customer has just come into the store. Let me show you how it's done."
They walk over to the customer and the manager says, "How can I help you, sir?"
"I'm looking for some strong grass seed," replies the customer.
"You've come to the right place then," says the manager, leading the customer to the garden section. The manager takes a packet of seed off the shelf and says, "This is the grass variety I suggest you buy, but with the weather we're currently experiencing, all grass will grow fast. So you'll regularly need to use a good, strong lawn mower. In fact, did you notice that we have such a mower on special offer just for today. It's a bargain - 50% off!"
The customer thinks about this for a while, then says, "OK, I'll buy the grass seed you suggest, and I'll also take the mower."
After the customer has driven off with the seed and mower in his car, the manager says to Daniel, "And that's how it's done. I just linked a mower to the seed. It's that easy. So now go back into the store and get some business for us."
A few minutes later, a man walks into the store, goes over to Daniel and says,
"My wife has asked me to get her a packet of sanitary towels. Do you have any?"
Daniel walks with the customer over to the store's pharmacy section and quickly finds what the customer is looking for. As he hands the packet to the customer, Daniel says to him, "And may I also suggest that you buy a new lawn mower today. We have one on special sale at 50% off."
"No thank you," says the customer, as he walks to the pay desk.
The manager hears this conversation and goes over to Daniel. "What do you think you are doing Daniel? I said you need to suggest something to customers that link with the item they've chosen. How on earth can you link sanitary towels with a lawn mower?"
"Well," replies Daniel, "I thought that because his wife wanted some sanitary towels, it was very likely that the following days were not going to be very sexy for this gentleman, so he might just as well mow his lawn."
(#2317) Yet again, some Personal Ads from Israeli newspapers
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
• Shmuel Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81
• Couch potato latke in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for 8 days. Who knows? POB 43
• Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul, light shabbes candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs - Religion not important. POB 658
• Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72
• Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar b'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the 'fast' lane. POB 90
• Yeshiva buchur, Torah scholar. Long beard, payess. Seeks same in woman. POB 43
• Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76
• Female graduate student. Studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks. Seeks mensh. No weirdos, please. POB 56
• Jewish businessman, 49. Manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrtzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787
• I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to, share your innermost thought and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86
• Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 43
gabbai: a synagogue warden
Torah: the Five Books of Moses, or the scroll containing them and read in the synagogue; it can also imply all sacred Jewish literature
latke: a potato pancake
shul : synagogue
Sukkah: a temporary hut constructed for use during the week-long Jewish festival of Sukkot.
Sukkot: the Jewish feast of Tabernacles
bris: circumcision ceremony, performed on a boy on the eighth day of birth
bar mitzvah: a religious ceremony marking coming of age of 13-year-old Jewish boy or 12- or 13-year-old Jewish girl
get: a Jewish religious divorce
Yom Kippur: Jewish festival - the Day of Atonement
Tisha B'av: a Jewish day of fasting and mourning
Taanis Esther: a less stringent fast day for Jews
Tzom Gedalia: an annual fast day to mark the assassination of Gedalia Ben Achikam, the Governor of Israel during the days of Nebuchadnetzar
Asarah B'Teves: an annual fast day (The Fast of the Tenth of Teves) to mark the day that Nevuzadran, the Babylonian general, laid siege to Jerusalem prior to the destruction of the first Holy Temple.
Shivah: the seven-day period of mourning after a person's death
Asar b'Tammuz: a Jewish fast day to commemorate the breach of the walls of Jerusalem before the destruction of the Second Temple
Yeshiva: a Jewish school theological college
Yeshiva buchur: a yeshiva student; a gullible or inexperienced person
payess; peyess: side curls worn by ultra orthodox males
Zohar: the foundational work in the literature of Jewish mystical thought known as Kabbalah
Kabbalah: Jewish mysticism
dybbuks: in Jewish folklore, a dybbuk is a malicious or malevolent possessing spirit believed to be the dislocated soul of a dead person
mensh: a man of fine qualities; a real man; a good human being
Chanukah: the Festival of Lights, a Jewish festival that falls in December
havdalah: the ceremony marking the end of shabbes
Yahrtzeit: the anniversary of someone's death
(#2318) Customer Focus
Rachel and her husband Max are in 'Minkys', their local kosher restaurant. Even though Rachel always seems to find something to moan about in Minkys, they still regularly go there because the food is good and it's frequented by many of their fellow seniors.
As usual, within minutes of taking their seats, Rachel starts to bother their waiter. "Waiter," she says, "please turn up the air conditioning. You know I can't stand a hot atmosphere."
But then, five minutes later, she asks the waiter to turn down the air conditioning because she is too cold. Soon after, she wants it turned up again because she's getting too hot. But then their food arrives on the table and Rachel is at last silent as she eats her meal.
Maurice, who is sitting near Rachel and Max's table, can't help but notice that at no time does the waiter show any anger - in fact he is surprisingly patient. So as the waiter walks past his table on his way back to the kitchen, Maurice calls him over and says quietly to him, "I can't understand why you don't just throw this customer out of the restaurant."
"Oh, we don't really mind," says the waiter, "because not only do we have a customer focus program in operation where the customer is always right, but also, this restaurant doesn't have any air conditioning."
(#2319) The present
[My thanks to Ron L for the following]
Moshe gives his mother-in-law a chair for her birthday. But unfortunately for him, she won't thank him for the gift, nor will she let him plug it in.
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