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go to the one hundred and fortythird set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortysecond set of Jewish jokes
(#2300) What a difference
Lionel returns home after getting a First-Class honours degree in Business Studies at Manchester University. His parents, Golda and Ruben, are thrilled because he's promised not only to help his father in his General store, but also hopefully come up with ideas to make it more profitable.
After just one day studying the store's paperwork, Lionel says to his father, "I'm sorry to tell you dad, but you've not been doing it right. You've been putting all your invoices, bank statements, customer correspondence and the like into one large file as soon as they drop through your letter box. As you're taking no notice of them, you're unable to do any proper analysis of your store's finances. But don't worry, dad. I'm going to get you a good accountant to help you out in this area. I'm sure he'll be able to change everything for the better."
"Thank you my boychick," says Ruben, "I knew you could help me."
Three weeks later, Golda can clearly see that all is not right with her Ruben. He's not sleeping well and he's walking around all day long muttering to himself, looking very worried and dejected. He's even begun to shake, and this worries her even more. So she says to him, "Oy Ruben, darling, you don't look too well. What's the matter, my lovely haimisheh mensch? You know you can tell me."
"I'm sorry darling," replies Ruben, "I just don't feel able to tell you."
"What do you mean you don't feel able to tell me?" says Golda. "I'm your wife aren't I? We've been married for over 25 years. And now you say you can't tell me? You must tell me, bubeleh, so that I can share your concerns and worries. I only want to help you."
So with tears in his eyes, Rubin says, "Darling, our new accountant told me last week that we're bankrupt and that's why I've been walking around in a daze ever since. I'm very worried about it. Should I do this, should I do that? I just can't think of anything. Oy vey, Golda, I think we're in deep trouble for the first time ever and your husband just doesn't know what to do."
When she hears this, Golda says, "The first thing you must do, Ruben, is to pull yourself together because I know what we must do. The answer is quite simple. Thank God, in the 25 years of our marriage, we've always had a roof over our heads; we've always had plenty of nosh on our plates; we've always been able to dress well and go on holiday each year; and we've been able to support our lovely Lionel while he studied. And where, may I ask, did all the money come from if not from our store? And nothing much has changed. We haven't changed, even if we look a teeny-weeny bit older; our store is the same; even our customers are mostly the same. So what then is different? Well I'll tell you Ruben, I'll tell you what's different. We now have an accountant, that's what's different. So we'll just have to get rid of him!"
boychick: young boy
haimisheh mensch: someone you feel at home with and who makes you feel comfortable. A warm person
bubeleh: not only is this a term of endearment used for children, it's also used for adults to mean dear, or darling
(#2301) Hide and Seek
[My thanks to Joe D and Ruth O for the following]
One evening, as he's driving around looking for business, 60 year old Moshe the taxi driver is shocked to be hailed by a totally naked woman. As soon as he pulls up next to her, she says to him in a very drunken manner, "Take me home at once."
Moshe finds it hard to believe what's happening and just sits there staring at her. After a short while, she drunkenly says to him, "So what's the matter with you then, sonny? You're staring at me. Have you never seen a beautiful naked lady before?"
"Vhat do you mean?" replies Moshe. "You tink I'm staring at a naked voman? Oy! det vould not be someting det mine community vould condone."
"But if you're not staring at my private parts," she says, "then what the hell are you doing looking at my body?"
"Vell if you must know," replies Moshe, "I'm looking hard at you because I'm having trouble trying to find vair you've put the money to pay me your fare."
(#2302) The escapee
[My thanks to John B and Becky D for the following]
One morning, as Joshua is walking along Parkway on his way to work, he encounters dozens of people running fast towards him. "It must be some kind of post-Olympic athletics competition," he says to himself. So when a runner wearing a kippa reaches him, Joshua stops him and asks, "Nu? So what's the event?"
Breathing very hard, the runner replies, "Event? Don't be meshugga. It's a large lion. It must have escaped from London Zoo."
"Oy vey!" says Joshua. "Which way is it heading?"
"You must be meshugga then," replies the runner. "Surely you don't think we're all chasing the lion?"
meshugga: crazy, mad
(#2303) A sensible solution
David sits down at a table in MINKYS DELI, his favourite kosher restaurant. When the waiter arrives at his table, David says to him, "I'd like some roast duck, roast potatoes and some peas please."
"I'm very sorry sir," says the waiter, "but we don't have any roast duck today. We only have roast goose."
"But you always have roast duck when I ask for it," says David. "That's why I come here. That's what I always order. It's my favourite. Could you please go check with the manager."
The waiter goes to the manager and explains the situation, "Mr Levy is here again, and he's asked for some roast duck."
"Well tell him we don't have any roast duck today. Tell him we only have roast goose."
"I've told him this already," says the waiter, "but he's insisting that we give him his favourite meal, which is roast duck."
"Well, OK then," says the manager, "if he's insisting, we must do what he asks. The customer is always right! Go to the Chef and tell him to cut a portion of roast duck from the roast goose."
(#2304) The phone conversation
[My thanks to Cliff L for the following]
"Hello, is this the house of the Rosenbergs?"
"Yez it is. So mit whom vould you vish to speak?"
"Mrs Rosenberg, I'd like to speak to Mrs Betty Rosenberg please."
"Zorry, Mrs Royzenberg is gevoren shoppink in deh zupermarkut."
"So is Mr Rosenberg at home then?"
"Oy vey at dis time of de day? No! Mishter Royzenberg is out voykink."
"Is Misha at home then?"
"Misher is in de private school. Very smart dat vun. She's a reel chochom."
"So how about Harry then, is he home?"
"He's in de medicine colletch is Herry. He vill, kaynahoreh, be a dokta soon."
"OK, I understand. Tell me then, you must be Mrs Rosenberg's mother?"
"Oh no! Poor bubbi Royzenberg is no more vith us, ollivasholom."
"Then before I ring off, may I ask who I'm talking to?"
"Dis is Beulah, de moyd."
gevoren shoppink: gone shopping
chochom: a clever person
kaynahoreh: expression used to ward off evil eye
ollivasholom: please God may she rest in peace
moyd: maid, house maid
(#2305) A husband's good advice
Rachel and Moshe are on holiday in New York and staying at a posh hotel. Whilst there, Rachel has some trouble getting dressed, so she says to Moshe, "Darling, please, I need you to help me decide what I should wear."
"Oy, not this again," says Moshe.
"Please!" begs Rachel.
"So what do you want to know this time?" asks Moshe.
"Oh thank you darling," replies Rachel. "I wouldn't know what I'd do without you."
"OK, OK," says Moshe, "cut out the schmooze and get to the point already."
So Rachel says, "I have only 3 questions to ask you this time. Firstly, should I wear my mink jacket, or should I wear my cashmere and lace top? Secondly, should I wear my diamond brooch or will my gold and topaz bracelet look fine? And lastly, should I wear my triple-strung pearl necklace or will my 24 ct gold tiara be adequate? So nu darling, what do you think?"
"Wear the mink jacket, the diamond broach and the tiara," replies Moshe, "but do hurry up or we'll be late for breakfast again."
(#2306) Chelm’s First Medical Student
Chaim Minky from Chelm passes his exams and as a result is awarded a place in Medical School. And because he's the first student from his town to do so well, all his family, all his friends and all his neighbours are very proud of him.
Six months into his training, he's with some other medical students doing the rounds at the Chelm Hospital with a qualified doctor. Stopping next to the records of one of the patients, the doctor takes out the patient's X-rays and says to the group, "As you can deduce from these X-rays, this patient limps badly because both his tibias and fibulas are radically arched. So let me ask you, Chaim Minky, what would you do in a case like this?"
After thinking about this for a short while, Chaim Minky replies, "I suppose I'd limp too, doctor."
(#2307) Conversation in a kosher butcher's shop
"So tell me already, how do you feed your chickens?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Because I would also like to lose weight and be very thin!"
(#2308) Shmutter business problems
It's Sunday and as Morris is doing some shopping in Brent Cross Shopping Centre, he meets Henry, one of his old friends. "Hi Henry," he says, "How's life treating you these days?"
"Thanks for asking," replies Henry, "but I'm actually in a terrible state."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," says Morris. "Why is that?"
"My Menswear shop is doing terrible," replies Henry, "that's why I'm in such a state. And I might have to close it down soon. For example, last Monday, I sold just one suit and one shirt all day. On Tuesday, it was even worse. No one even came into the shop. And the same thing happened on Wednesday and Thursday, so much so, in fact, that my salesmen started trying to sell clothes to one another."
"Oy vey," says Morris. "But at least you managed to sell a suit on the Monday."
"You're joking, aren't you," says Henry. "On Friday, the customer who bought the suit on Monday changed his mind and returned it to me un-worn!"
Question: There's a word that begins with the letter A and means 'Prince' in Jewish. What is this word?
Answer: A doctor
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