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go to the one hundred and forty first set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fortieth set of Jewish jokes
(#2280) Money problems
Morris and Daniel, two up and coming authors, were always bragging how well each was doing. They meet up again at Jewish Book Week and Morris says, "So nu, Daniel, how are you doing? Are your books selling well?"
"Oh yes Morris, they definitely are," replies Daniel, boasting. "Since we last met, the number of my readers has doubled."
"Mazeltov Daniel," says Morris. "You didn't tell me that you got married!"
(#2281) The best idea
As they are leaving shul, Cyril says to his friend Avrahom, "Why are you looking so farmisht? Is anything wrong?"
"Is anything right? you might have asked," replies Avrahom. "My business is in a terrible state and I owe a hell of a lot of money. (pause) And I don't have the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from."
"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that," says Cyril.
"Why do you say that?" says Avrahom, "I thought we were friends."
"We are," says Cyril, "I only said it because for one moment, I thought you might have had the idea of asking me to lend you the money."
farmisht: confused, mixed up, befuddled
(#2282) The inventory
[My thanks to Rachel for the following]
Morris comes home early from work one day, goes into the bedroom, and finds his wife Hetty lying totally naked on the bed.
"Oy vey, Hetty, what on earth are you doing?" he asks.
"I've been trying on a few of my dresses," replies Hetty, "and I can't find any that I like. I just don't have as many outfits as my friends do."
"You're meshugga, Hetty," says Morris. "How can you say that when you have more outfits in your wardrobe than you can possibly need. Let me remind you what you have."
Morris goes over to Hetty's wardrobe, opens up the doors, and pointing at each outfit in turn, says, "In your wardrobe you have a green outfit, a red outfit, a shabbes outfit, Mr Schwartz from next door, a grey outfit, a yom tov outfit, a rose coloured outfit, a ........."
meshugga: mad, crazy
yom tov: Jewish holiday
(#2283) Classroom etiquette
[My thanks to Jurgen M for the following]
Kirstin the teacher wants to find out how many of her 9-10 year old pupils, with their families, are religious enough to say prayers in their own house. So one day she asks the question to everyone in her class in turn. But when she gets to Aaron, who is her sole Jewish pupil, she asks him in a more gentle way.
"So Aaron," she asks, "what do you do as soon as you sit down for dinner at home?"
"Nu? So what should I do miss?" replies Aaron. "I eat of course. That's what I do."
"And your parents, Aaron?" continues Kirstin. "What do they do as soon as they sit down for dinner?"
"It's obvious, isn't it miss?" replies Kirstin. "They also start to eat."
"And when you have finished your meal, Aaron, what do you then do?" asks Kirstin.
"I quickly get up and play games on my computer miss" replies Aaron.
"And what about your parents, Aaron? What do they then do?" asks Kirstin.
"Nu? So what should they do miss?" replies Aaron. "They also get up from the table, and while my mum washes up, my dad turns on the TV."
"And what do you do before you go to sleep, Aaron?" asks Kirstin.
"I turn onto my side and then I quickly fall asleep miss," replies Aaron.
"And what about your parents, Aaron?" asks Kirstin. "What do they do before they go to sleep?"
"Oy vey? Must I really tell you this miss?" replies Aaron. "I know what they do, and you probably know what they do. But is this something for all the class to hear?"
(#2284) The reckoning
Early one morning, as Patrick and Christopher are walking past the Great Portland Street Shul, Patrick says, "So how many people do you think are in this large synagogue, Christopher?"
"There are exactly nine hundred and ninetynine thousand, nine hundred and ninetynine people in the synagogue," replies Christopher.
"Wow! " says Patrick. "How on earth did you know that?"
"Because yesterday morning," replies Christopher, "I heard one of them come out and say to a passer-by that they are one short of a milyan."
(#2285) Disaster strikes twice
Oy vey! THE SEA MINKY, a kosher cruise liner, is suddenly hit by a hurricane out at sea and is shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals. Only three passengers manage to survive the shipwreck and they just happen to be members of the same shul - Rabbi Levy, Morris the shul's President and Lazarus the shul's chazan. They are pulled out from the wreck and brought before the leader of the cannibals.
"We are looking forward to eating the three of you," says the leader, "but before we do, it is our custom to grant you a last request. So could each of you tell me in turn what you would like to do before you die."
Lazarus the chazan considers for a few minutes, then replies, "I love singing and there’s a special composition that I’ve always wanted to perform. But because it takes 15 minutes, I’ve never been given permission to sing it in my synagogue. I would like to sing it here, before I die."
"Granted," says the leader.
Rabbi Levy then says, "I love giving sermons but I have never been given permission to give my magnum opus sermon to my synagogue's congregation. I've been working on it for years but I've not been allowed to give it because it could take up to two hours to do it justice. So I’d like to give this sermon here, before I die."
"OK, granted," says the leader. He then turns to Morris the President and says, "And what about you? What do you want?"
Morris the President immediately replies, "Please could you eat me first."
Magnum opus: from the Latin meaning "great work" refers to the largest achievement of a writer, artist, or composer (or in this case, a rabbi). It doesn't have to be the greatest or most successful work of that person, just a work on a large scale.
(#2286) True story?
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
A New York Governor invites a group of clergy to the State House on a Friday for breakfast. However, as soon as they all are seated and the food is delivered to the table, he begins to wonder whether he has made a faux pas by serving meat on a Friday.
"Please do not worry, Governor," says the Catholic priest. "Vatican II took care of that."
But the same couldn't be said by the Jewish representative. Looking down at the large portion of bacon on his plate, Rabbi Levy says to the Governor, "I’m sorry, Governor, but I can't eat this - we are still operating under Sinai I."
Vatican II: The Second Vatican Council (also known as Vatican II) addressed relations between the Roman Catholic Church and the modern world.
(#2287) A Riddle
Q: What is a Jewish sweater?
A: It's what a Jewish child wears when his mother is cold.
(#2288) The first night
Moshe has just spent his first night at the expensive MINKY hotel. As soon as he awakes, he phones the hotel's reception desk.
"So how are you on this lovely morning, Mr Schwartz?" asks the receptionist.
"If you must know," replies Moshe, "I'm fuming. In fact I'm fuming so much that I'm ready to plotz,"
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," says the receptionist. "So how can I help you?"
"I'm sure you've heard of the straw that broke the camel's back," replies Moshe.
"Of course I have," replies the receptionist.
"Well I've just spent the night sleeping on it!" says Moshe.
plotz: burst, explode, due to being very infuriated
(#2289) The way ahead
55 year old Arnold, a single man, has not been feeling too well for some time and so goes to see doctor Myers. After undergoing a few basic tests and some questioning on how he lives his life, Arnold says, "Well doctor, what do you think?"
"From what I can see from your test results Arnold," replies doctor Myers, "and from the answers you gave to my questions, you definitely need to make some significant changes to your lifestyle."
"Like what?" asks Arnold, looking a bit worried.
Doctor Myers replies, "Like giving up drinking all those glasses of kiddush wine and whiskey; like stopping all that putzing around you tell me you do most nights looking for women and excitement; like reducing all those roast beef and roast chicken meals you tell me you have most nights of the week; and like giving up smoking. Doing all this is the best way for you to improve your health and life expectancy. It's your number 1 course of action. What do you say?"
After taking some time to think about what he's just heard, Arnold replies, "And what's the second best course of action for me, doctor?"
putzing; to waste time, to sleep around, etc
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