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This is the thirteenth set of jokes
(#334) That’s the way to do it
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
(#335) Meyer’s first pet
MEYER, a lonely widower, was walking home along Golders Green Road one day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer couldn't believe what he was hearing. Suddenly, the proprietor came out of the shop and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here and check out this parrot..."
Meyer was soon standing in front of an African Grey. The parrot cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had written out a cheque for £500 and carried the parrot, still in his cage, out of the shop and into his car. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's kosher butcher shop in Neasden; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride; about his family in Israel; about his years of working in the City; and about Birchington, Kent. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some nuts and raisons. The parrot told Meyer of what life was like living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They then both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do likewise. So Meyer went out and bought a hand-made miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. At first they refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Some bets were made with Meyer. Thousands of pounds were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during the service. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
After the Rosh Hashanah service was over, Meyer worked out that he owed over four thousand pounds. He marched home, angry, saying nothing. Finally several streets away from the Shul, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as could be.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand pounds. Why? After I bought you your own tfillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "The odds will be much better on Yom Kippur."
(#336) Meyer’s second pet
Meyer’s parrot had died and he was lonely once again. He quickly decided that life would be more fun if he had another pet. So Meyer went back to the Golders Green pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy another pet, but this time a bit more unusual. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
Meyer took the box home. He found a good place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his pet again, "How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
(#337) The Rabbi and his friends - 1
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues, "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
30minutes later, the minister says, "I need to go to the toilet." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand on the beach."
He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"
(#338) The Rabbi and his friends - 2
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Shabos morning, on the way home from his Shul, he saw a very thick wad of £20 notes in the gutter. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
(#339) The Rabbi and his friends - 3
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...
(#340) The Rabbi and his friend - 4
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the Rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
Q: Why do Jewish women enjoy Chinese food
A: WonTon spelled backwards is “Not Now”.
(#342) Moshe’s mother - 1
Moshe’s mother, Hette, once gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hette said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like the other one?"
(#343) Moshe’s mother - 2
Moshe calls his mother and asks, "How are you?"
"Not too good," Hette says. "I'm feeling very weak."
"Why, mother? "
Hette says, "Because I haven't eaten in 23 days."
Moshe replies, "That's terrible, mother. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
Hette answers, "because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"
(#344) Serves you right!
Naomi, being still unmarried, was bored one evening. So she decided to go to a London casino for the first time ever and was persuaded to play roulette. She asked someone at the table the best way to pick a number. He suggested putting her money on her age. So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she fainted.
(#345) Cross talk
Rabbi Rabinovitz went in to beg his board of directors to buy a new synagogue chandelier. Arguing and pleading for over an hour, he eventually sat down believing he had failed. Suddenly, the president of the board said, "Why are we wasting time talking'? "First of all, a chandelier, ... why, we haven’t got anyone who could even spell it. Second, we haven’t got anyone who could even play it. And lastly, what we really need in the shul is more light!"
(#346) Vive la differance
Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour. "Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won't clean; she made my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"
The neighbour sighs and asks, "Nu...and how is your daughter?"
"Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!"
(#347) The conversation
[We Jews are not only not allowed to conduct business on Shabbat, we are not even supposed to talk about it...]
Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue one Shabbat morning.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'm selling my car.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but how much are you asking for it?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but £13,000.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'll give you £12,000 for it.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but let me think about it.
They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat afternoon.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but did you think about my offer?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I already sold it.
Morris Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children. Unfortunately, he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when
he married and opened a bank account, he signed his cheques just "XX".
Morris then started his own business, which soon prospered. He became a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this cheque. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing your cheques, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
Morris replied, "Since I've become rich, my wife thought I should have a middle name"
(#349) The dinner party
Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one.
One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels."
(#350) The test
The Recording Angel needed two new Executive Assistants to help him in the admissions office in Heaven. G-d sent him 3 applicants and the Angel began interviewing them immediately.
“I was senior partner in a law firm on earth,” said the first applicant “and I’m sure I could be very helpful to you.”
“I’m sure you could,” said the Angel. “I’ve looked over your CV and you certainly have more than enough credentials for the job. But I do have a little test I ask all applicants to take. Would you spell G-d, please?”
“A piece of cake,” said the applicant. “G - O - D.” “Fine,” said the Angel, extending his hand, “I’ll be in touch.” The fellow left and the second applicant came in.
“I was Chief Executive of a very successful business on earth,” he said. “There were 16,000 people on my payroll. I think I’d make an excellent assistant.”
“Your record is certainly impressive,” said the Angel. “And I think I’m going to hire you, but first there’s a little test. Spell G-d.”
“G - O - D” said the second applicant. “Great!” said the Angel, shaking his hand. “You’ll be hearing from me.”
The man left and the third applicant, a woman, approached the Angel’s desk. “Tell me about yourself,” said the Angel.
“On earth,” she said, “I was secretary to one of the most powerful men in Europe. You know, because you know everything, that I did most of the work for which he got credit. I’m certain I could do whatever is required.”
“Of course,” said the Angel, “but there’s one little test….”
“Oh, please, not a test” said the woman. “I’ve had it rough all my life. Because I’m a woman I had to fight for every promotion I ever got. I had to take lower pay for doing the same job as the men in the office. I was constantly harassed by male chauvinist bosses. I thought it would be different up here. Now I get the feeling that because the job title is Executive Assistant and not Secretary, you don’t want to give me a chance at it.”
No, no. Not at all!” said the Angel. “This is just a little test that I give all applicants, regardless of sex.”
“All right,” sighed the woman. “Go ahead.”
“Spell desuetude, parietals, and chiaroscuro,” said the Angel.
(#351) The lunch
Abbe Cohen goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abbe replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
Next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
The manager is now obsessed with seeing Abbe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a 6ft long French loaf. When Abbe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the 6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abbe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
Abbe replies "It wass goot as usual but I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!"
(#352) The hearing aid
Hyme Goldman was showing off his new acquisition to his friend. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me £2,000, but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"Half past two," Hyme replied.
(#353) Diamonds are forever
Freda Cohen went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel. She noticed another lady and went to speak to her. "Hello, my dear, you're not from around here, are you?"
"No," replied the second, "I'm from Mars."
Freda said "Really, do all Martian women have blue skin like yours?"
"And do all Martian women have 8 fingers on each hand as you have?"
"And do all Martian women have an eye on their nose as you have?"
"And do all Martian women have so many diamonds?"
"No... not the goyim."
(#354) The sad wedding ceremony
Freda and Moishe were getting married at Edgware synagogue and all was going fine until the Rabbi discovered that Freda and Moishe and their parents had disappeared. A search was immediately made throughout the synagogue and finally, the chazzan found them sitting in the synagogue basement. All six of them were just sitting on the floor and crying. The Rabbi approached Freda and said, "Why are you all crying on this most happy and important day of your lives?"
Freda looked up at the Rabbi and replied, "My parents are alive and Moishe’s parents are alive? Who are we going to name the baby after?"
(#355) The check up
Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.
“Max, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger”, says the doctor.
“Who asked you to make me younger?” says Max. “ Just make sure I get older!”
(#356) Jewish mothers are wonderful
Abbe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York's Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abbe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother's apartment, screaming, "Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!"
His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said: "Bubbeleh, come in. First you eat, then you talk!"
Sarah and Suzy have been married to their husbands for many years and are the best of friends. Sarah doesn’t think her husband finds her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" said Sarah.
"It’s the opposite for me”, replies Suzy. “As I get older, my husband says I get even more beautiful every day."
"But that’s because your husband is an antique dealer!"
(#358) Who is to blame?
Rebecca goes to see her Rabbi. He can see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants a divorce.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
Rebecca replies, "I have a strong suspicion that he's not the father of our youngest child!"
(#359) The engagement
Nicki tells his mum that he has got engaged at last. His mother is happy but a little bit worried as well. She just has to ask him, "Is she Jewish?"
"Of course she is, mum. I'll bring her to dinner this evening so you can meet her."
That night Nicki arrives with three beautiful women - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
"Mother I want you to guess who is my fiancé." says Nicki smiling.
But his mother is not pleased at all. All she wanted to do was to speak to her son’s fiancé one to one first without playing silly games. She doesn't know where to start. She waits patiently and gives it some thought. When the meal is over, she calls Nicki into the kitchen.
"I know which one she is." She says.
"Which one, then, mum?" asks Nicki.
"Yes, you're right. How on earth did you guess?"
"I knew as soon as I saw her, I couldn't stand the sight of her!"
(#360) The fast
One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
"Please Rabbi," he says, "I must have a drink of water. I'm so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more."
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, "Don't you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!"
Morry is in tears, "Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can't take it anymore!"
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says "Alright." He calls over the shammes, "give Morry a teaspoon of water."
The teaspoon of water is given to Morry who is now crazy with thirst. "Please, please! I've got to have a real drink or I’ll die!" he cries.
Although he doesn’t really want to do it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water. Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief, looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, "Thank you Rabbi, I'll never eat a schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!"
(#361) Things I’d like to hear a Jewish
"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Don't bother wearing a coat, it's quite warm out."
"Let me smell that shirt. Yes, it's good for another week yet."
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."
"Yes, I used to skip school, too."
"Just leave all the lights on, it makes the house more cheery."
"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"
"I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main roads?"
"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You children don't mind skipping dinner, do you?"
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