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go to the one hundred and fortieth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and thirtyninth set of Jewish jokes
(#2270) The violin competition
[My thanks to Juergen in Italy for the following]
A small parcel arrives at the Minkofski Festival Hall addressed to Sam Silverman, the Chairman. Sam opens it and finds a completed application form to take part in the forthcoming world famous Minkofski Violin Contest which is held each year at the Hall. Also in the parcel is a letter and a CD.
Here is what the letter said: -
Dear Mr Silverman
Ollie, my nine year old boychik, not only loves Medelssohn's music, but also plays Medelssohn's Violin Concerto on his father's violin whenever he can. He wants to be entered in the forthcoming Minkofski Violin Contest, so I enclose a CD to indicate to you that he plays the violin just like Yehudi Menuhin.
(tel: 0208 123 4567)
When Sam plays the CD, he hears
a variety of violin music played as well as he's ever heard such
music played. "What an unbelievable talent this young boy has," he says
to himself. "I must phone his mother right away."
So he calls Mrs Levy and says, "You will be pleased to hear that I would like to formally invite your young son Ollie to be one of the contestants in this year's Minkofski Violin Contest and especially because he plays the violin just like Menuhin."
"That's exactly what I have always said," says Mrs Levy. "My little Ollie was too ill last week when I wanted to record him playing the violin. So I sent you a CD of Menuhin playing the violin because Ollie plays the violin just like Menuhin!"
(#2271) The late lecture
[My thanks to Frank for the following]
It's just gone midnight and as 60 year old Morris is driving towards Golders Green, he is pulled over by a police car. A policeman gets out his car, walks over to Morris's car, and indicates that he wants Morris to step out of his car. Morris does what he's told to do.
The policeman immediately gets Morris to blow into a breathalyser to check that he's not over the drink-drive limit. Fortunately for Morris, he's just below the red line. Nevertheless, the policeman continues with his questioning and asks Morris, "OK sir, that seems to be just OK, but could you please tell me where you might be going to at this time of morning?"
"Certainly officer," replies Morris, "I'm going to a lecture."
"And what would this lecture be about, sir?" asks the policeman.
"The lecture is about the negative effects on the human body of over-eating, drinking alcohol, and staying out after 11pm, officer," replies Morris.
"I've got him," thinks the policeman. "And who, may I ask sir, is going to be able to give such a lecture at 12.10am?" asks the police officer, smirking a bit.
Morris replies, "The lecturer, officer, will be my wife Hetty."
(#2272) A special kind of love
[My thanks to Monty E for the following]
Ralph and his wife Edna are patients in the Bushey Home for the Mentally Handicapped. One day, as they are walking past the Home's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly leaps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom. As he makes no effort to try to get out, Edna jumps in, swims to the bottom and pulls him out.
When Freda, the Home's most senior nurse, is informed of Edna's heroic act, she decides that Edna is now mentally stable enough for her to be discharged from the Home. So she starts making plans for Edna's release. And later that day, she visits Edna in her room.
"Edna," she says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that I'm making arrangements for you to be discharged from our Home. I'm doing this because today, you displayed soundness of mind and were able to rationally respond to a crisis when you jumped into our swimming pool to save the life of your beloved Ralph. The bad news, however, is that Ralph hung himself in the swimming pool's changing room with his bathrobe's belt very shortly after you saved him. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, but your Ralph is dead."
"But Freda," says Edna, "Ralph didn't hang himself. He was soaking wet and shivering so badly that I hung him up there to quickly dry. Now how soon can I go leave this Home and get back to my own house?"
MORAL OF THIS STORY: Just because someone doesn't love you in the normal way doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
(#2273) Question of the day
[My thanks to John B for the following]
16 year old Jeremy goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi," he asks, "is it kosher - I mean is it all right to sleep with girls? All my friends do it and I have just met a beautiful girl called Rebecca."
"Well Jeremy," replies Rabbi Levy, "I suppose it is all right. But the problem is that you young boys, you don’t sleep do you?"
(#2274) Doctor's questionnaire
[My thanks to Diane for the following]
60 year old Judith goes to see doctor Myers. "Doctor," she says, "as it's been a long time since I've been here to see you, I think it would make me happy if I had a full check up."
"Yes Judith, that would certainly be a sensible thing to do," says doctor Myers. "I'll arrange for you to have some scans and blood tests."
Two weeks later, Judith is back with doctor Myers to hear the results.
"Well, Judith," says doctor Myers, "You'll be pleased to hear that all your tests have come back without showing any serious problems. You're doing fairly well for your age."
"Oy, doctor, that comment doesn't make me overly happy," says Judith. "What I'd like to know is - do you think I'll live to be 80?"
"Before I can answer that," says doctor Myers, "let me ask you a few questions. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?"
"Definitely not," replies Judith, "and I'm not doing any drugs either. I never have done."
"Do you eat lots of meat, such as sirloin steaks and Minky beef burgers?" asks doctor Myers.
"Hardly ever," replies Judith, "my friends tell me that red meat is not very healthy."
"So do you spend a lot of time outdoors?" asks doctor Myers. "For example, do you go jogging? Do you ride a bike? Do you play golf? Do you regularly walk a lot?"
"No, I don't," replies Judith, "I don't really have time for such activities."
"OK," continues doctor Myers, "my last question is, Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," replies Judith, "absolutely not."
Doctor Myers looks up and says, "Then why, Judith, does it matter whether or not you get to live to be 80?"
(#2275) The golden years
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
As 68 year old David is leaving Brent Cross Shopping Centre, he puts his hands in his usual pocket to find his car keys. But oy vey, this time he can't find them. In desperation, he gives himself a personal pat down, but quickly realises that his keys are not in his pockets. He immediately goes to the Centre's lost property office but no-one has handed in any car keys that day.
David soon realizes that he must have left the keys in the car, so he frantically heads for the car park. His wife Rebecca has often called him a shmuck for leaving his keys in the car's ignition - she's always telling him that his car will eventually be stolen if he leaves his keys in the car. David, on the other hand, always responds by saying that the ignition is the best place bar none not to lose the keys.
Within minutes of entering the car park, David realises that Rebecca is right, his car is not in the car park. Straight away, David phones the police, admits to leaving his keys in the car, tells them that as a result, his car has been stolen and gives them his car's registration number.
Then, after 10 minutes trying to build up some confidence, David makes the dreaded phone call to Rebecca. "Petal (he always calls her "petal" at times like this)," he stutters, "I'm afraid I left my keys in the car in the Brent Cross car park and as a result, my car has been stolen."
After a long silence, Rebecca responds, "You shmuck, David. Don't you remember that I drove you to Brent Cross this morning and dropped you off there?"
Totally embarrassed, all David could think of saying to her was, "Well could you come and pick me up then?"
"Of course I'll pick you up," replies Rebecca, "but I can't say when. I'm having trouble trying to persuade the policeman who arrived here 5 minutes ago that I didn't steal your car."
(#2276) Honesty is not always the best policy
Today is Hetty and Moshe's 30th wedding anniversary. After exchanging kisses and presents, Hetty says to Moshe, "I have an important question to ask you."
"So ask me already," says Moshe.
"Please tell me," asks Hetty, "and be honest, please tell me how do you think I look after 30 years of marriage with you?"
Moshe looks at Hetty for a while, then replies, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
"And what, may I ask, does all that mean?" asks Hetty, looking puzzled.
"It means," replies Moshe speaking slowly, "that you're ... Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot."
On hearing this, Hetty's face lights up. And smiling, she says, "Oh, that's so lovely, Moshe. But tell me, what about the I, J, K? What do they stand for?"
Moshe replies, "I'm Just Kidding!"
Note: Please don't worry about Moshe. Not only is the swelling under his left eye going down, but also his doctor is fairly optimistic that he can save Moshe's baitsim.
(#2277) A fair exchange?
[My thanks to Ron L for the following]
When Misha married, she exchanged the attentions of many men for the inattention of one man.
(#2278) Life as I see it
As soon as 9 year old Yitzhak comes home from school, he goes straight into the lounge to watch television. "Hold on Yitzhak," says his mother. "Before I let you turn on the TV, I want to know whether you have any homework to do tonight. So do you?"
"Yes, mum, I do," replies Yitzhak.
"So what is your homework?" asks his mother.
"We all have to write no more than one paragraph explaining what our dad does," replies Yitzhak.
"Well I think that's a very interesting subject," replies his mother. "I suggest you sit down here at the table and start to write it now."
"But I don't have to write it," says Yitzhak smiling. "I've already written it. Really."
And to prove it, Yitzhak takes out a sheet of paper from his school bag and hands it over to his mother. On it is written the following 3 lines: -
What does my dad do? A paragraph by Yitzhak
Nearly all of the time, my dad drives me mad and gets on my nerves.
"Oh Yitzhak," says his mother,
"your father loves you. Is that really all you could write about him?"
"So what else is there to write about him?" replies Yitzhak.
(#2279) The special diet
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Freda goes to "Harry The Kosher Butcher" to buy her weekly portion of chicken. After looking at all the packs of chicken on display, she goes over to Harry and asks him, "Harry, I'd like to know how you feed your chickens."
"Nu? So why do you want to know this information?" asks Harry.
"Because I would also like to be as thin as your chickens and to weigh so little," replies Freda.
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